Partner who is avoiding to solve the problem and not providing clarity and closure

[Pansy]

Here are our relationships timeline.  
 

But now that I've come to realize these issues, I decided to step back from this complex relationship due to ethical concerns and not wanting to hurt his girlfriend's feelings.    I requested that he let me go, but he didn't provide a clear yes or no answer. Since we both have genuine feelings for each other, I didn't want to hurt him without some agreement from him.

The reason behind my reluctance to hurt him is that he shared his difficulties with me, such as his challenges in his new job, his situation regarding the defense services medical academy, emotional strain due to the current coup in Myanmar, and his desire to return home to his parents after being away for five years. I provided as much psychological support as I could. We worked together for three years in a small town at a private clinic, where I served as the senior doctor (physician), and he was my junior colleague (medical officer).

 

Although we worked together for three years, I initially had no interest in him because I was dealing with my own difficulties at the time, such as the COVID-19 crisis, the coup in Myanmar, and the challenges faced by CDM doctors, among others.   However, I began to realize that he was showing interest in me about two months before he left the clinic due to social problems and a dispute with the clinic owner, his senior doctor.   Upon learning about their dispute and social problems, I felt sympathy for him and encouraged him to apologize to his senior doctor and the clinic owner, who were both stubborn and unwilling to reconcile. Through my empathy and advice, he eventually apologized to them.

My introspection regarding my genuine feelings for him is due to several reasons:

He provided me with substantial support in the clinic.

He displayed enthusiasm for learning.

He could grasp my decisions and implement them effectively in patient care.

He was highly reliable in his work.

The clinic couldn't function as usual without him.

Both he and I contributed to making the clinic the most popular and reliable in our small town.

Without our presence, the clinic's operations deteriorated day by day.

It was only after he left the job due to a dispute with the clinic owner over social problems that I realized how much I depended on his assistance.

I found it challenging to maintain my usual level of patient care without him.

Thanks to his strong support in patient care, I became the most trusted physician in our small town, earning the trust of many patients. This boosted my confidence in providing care.

During the Myanmar coup, the COVID-19 crisis, and my psychological struggles as a CDM doctor, his assistance allowed me to maintain emotional stability while working my job. However, my emotional vulnerabilities surfaced when he left the clinic, and my usual work couldn't function effectively. It was then that I realized my emotional dependence on him."   "From this communication, we both formed a deep bond and shared our difficulties to some extent. Without him, the clinic couldn't run as usual because he was the one who could handle things sufficiently to maintain our reputation.

One month later, I asked him if he had a girlfriend and requested that he inform me so that I could navigate our connection ethically. He confirmed that he was in a relationship.   So, I told him that I wanted to step back from the situation out of respect for ethical principles and to avoid hurting his girlfriend, even though we both cared about each other's emotions. But he didn't respond with a clear yes or no answer. It was challenging for me to step back without his permission because we both knew we had genuine feelings for each other. I asked him that if he wanted to maintain this connection, he had to be honest and transparent with me in every aspect. I also informed him that I wouldn't tolerate dishonesty.

 

I gave him a two-week deadline to make a decision. Three days later, at 3 o'clock in the morning, he called me in an emotional and intoxicated state, expressing his commitment to maintain our connection and be honest with me.   I felt sympathy for him at that time, and I also realized that I had put a lot of pressure on him without considering the situation fully. The reason behind my decision is to maintain healthy connections with him and provide emotional support.  

Because I hadn't been in a relationship until I was 38 years old, I had no idea and knowledge regarding relationship issues. I trusted him and ignored ethical concerns, choosing to maintain our connection.   However, this only lasted for three days. He began to avoid my messages, and as we were in different towns and engaged in a long-distance relationship, I asked him not to ignore my messages and calls, as it was not okay with me.  But he continued to send mixed signals, which I couldn't tolerate, leading to arguments. I expressed my desire to return to a single life because I was unhappy with our connection. 

He expressed a similar desire to be alone, and from that point on, he stopped responding to my messages altogether. During our argument, he started to convey to me that he had been in a relationship with his girlfriend for eleven years and that she had never shown neediness like me, which hurt me deeply.  Because of his continued avoidance of my messages and phone calls, I sent him my breakup message one month after our argument, citing his disregard for boundaries and failure to keep promises as the reasons for my decision."

Here's your breakup message....

My dear, this is my final message to you.  I have given you ample time (four weeks) to reconsider our relationship.   However, you remain reluctant to make a decision.  If you are unwilling to make a decision, I will take responsibility for making the decision that is in the best interest of both of us. I must end the relationship that I initiated.  I have chosen to break up with you.  Please understand that my decision to break up with you does not diminish my appreciation and respect for your genuine feelings toward me.  I genuinely value your feelings for me.   I also empathize with the difficulty of making a tough decision in this complex situation. Accept this breakup decision as an attempt to relieve your emotional tension and ease my own pain caused by this complex and uncertain situation.  You understand that it is not easy for me to choose to break up with you, but I believe it is necessary. I hope both of us can move past this situation.  I have made this choice for the sake of our emotional well-being and to address the ethical concerns. It is not a sacrifice but a conscious choice on my part.  I hope you can understand and accept my decision.   To respect your boundaries, given that you have chosen to be alone and not respond to my messages for four weeks, I have decided not to wait for your reply.  I will remember the lesson you taught me about making my own decisions and facing them independently during our relationship.  Lastly, please do not run away from the problems ahead and please try to solve them. One day, you will discover that solving problems can have its own beauty, and not everything is as ugly as you may think.

"But he still has not responded for two months now. Two and a half months later, I sent him messages emphasizing my reasons for avoiding complex relationships and my determination to move forward:    'Don't feel guilty about pursuing a romantic relationship with me and my decision to break up. Let our past be our past. Don't dwell on it. I advise you to let go of past relationships and move forward with a clear mind.'  Yet, he still didn't reply to my messages, despite my concern for his emotional well-being and my clear declaration that I would not engage in this complex relationship any further due to its inherently complicated nature.

In subsequent messages, I stated:   The problem between us is an imbalance between emotional attachment and ethical concerns.'   'To address this, we both need to step back from our current romantic involvement and transition our relationship from romantic to professional, with me as your senior colleague and you as my junior.'  'This decision can also help alleviate our ethical concerns. I hope you can agree with this. If you have concerns about my decision, please let me know. If you do not contact me, I will assume my decision is valid. I genuinely do not want to hurt you with my decisions.'   I cannot maintain open and honest communication if you continue to avoid me. This is beyond my control due to your decision to remain silent and not communicate with me.'  'Your next challenge is deciding whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. This is a life-changing decision that requires introspection and consideration.'    'During these challenging times in Myanmar (the coup), everyone faces difficulties. I genuinely don't want you to bear any burden because of my complex social problems anymore. This is my best effort to help both of us out of emotional turmoil.'   'If you have difficulties, please let me know, and I'll be   there for you.'   

"One week later, he chose to remain silent and not respond to my messages. So, I sent him a confirmation letter:  'I've waited for your response, but as the deadline has passed, I consider my decision to step back as valid.   Our relationship reverts to a professional one between senior and junior colleagues.  I made this choice to avoid ethical issues related to your long-term relationship.   I hope you can accept and understand my decision.  The important thing I want to share is "Don't blame yourself."   In this complex situation, we're both fighting our battles in our own unique ways, and it's been a challenging journey for both of us, buddy!  While I want clarity and approval regarding this decision by having a phone call with you, I don't want to bother you because you're still staying silent by not responding to my messages.   I understand that communicating with me may be challenging for you, but I don't know why or what the reason behind your choice of silence is.  

Afterward, I came to realize that the most important factor is that he can only overcome this complex relationship when the problem is completely resolved rather than partially.  So, he needs to address and be transparent about this issue with both of us (me and his girlfriend) or with one of us.

So, the problem entirely depends on his decisions and choices, right?

My decision to step back due to ethical concerns will not completely solve this situation. However, I believe it may ease his difficulties to some extent. But I don't know how this will affect his decisions.  Without obtaining clarity and closure, I can move forward, but he may struggle, correct?

For his future relationships, they can only be healthy if he provides honesty and transparency. Without these elements, he won't be able to maintain a healthy relationship, right?  

Apart from my actions and decisions I have taken, please give me some advice to solve this issue in a respectful and healthy manner to avoid hurting others parties involved!

Edited October 12, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify title/formatting

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Pansy said:

 I decided to step back from this complex relationship due to ethical concerns and not wanting to hurt his girlfriend's feelings.

Were you both in other relationships? Was this a workplace affair? You're wise to end it if he's with someone else. Since he is not responding to your communication it would be best to leave him alone. Especially if you worked together. 

[basil67]

In short, you participated in an affair with a junior colleague and it all went bad.  I suggest you cease trying to be his pseudo councillor, resign your position and find another job.  Leave him to heal 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Pansy said:

 He remained unresponsive for two months, causing me to question the impact of this complex relationship on his ability to move forward 

He has clearly moved forward and does not want contact with you. Please let go and leave him alone. Please keep in mind that all this stuff you're sending him can be used as evidence of stalking and harassing. 

[Pansy]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were you both in other relationships? Was this a workplace affair? You're wise to end it if he's with someone else. Since he is not responding to your communication it would be best to leave him alone. Especially if you worked together. 

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I appreciate your concern. Just to clarify, I am single and have never been in any relationship before. This complex relationship didn't begin as a workplace affair; in fact, it started one month after he left the clinic. Your understanding means a lot, and I agree that respecting his boundaries, especially in the absence of communication, is essential. I'm committed to maintaining a respectful distance as well. Thank you for your support.

[Pansy]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

In short, you participated in an affair with a junior colleague and it all went bad.  I suggest you cease trying to be his pseudo councillor, resign your position and find another job.  Leave him to heal 

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I appreciate your concern. I would like to clarify that we no longer work at the same clinic, and we are currently in different towns. Our professional relationship has ended, and I have taken steps to address the situation ethically. If you have any further advice or suggestions, I'm open to hearing them. My primary focus is to navigate this complex situation with integrity and respect for all involved parties. Thank you again for your input.

[Pansy]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He has clearly moved forward and does not want contact with you. Please let go and leave him alone. Please keep in mind that all this stuff you're sending him can be used as evidence of stalking and harassing. 

Thank you for your concern, and I appreciate your perspective. I want to assure you that I respect his decision and his boundaries. I understand the importance of respecting his wish for no contact. My intention has always been to address our complex relationship ethically and respectfully. I will honor his choice and refrain from any further communication. Your point about privacy and boundaries is well noted, and I will ensure to respect that moving forward. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

[stillafool]

He was just no longer interested and that is why he continued to ignore all communication from you and labeling you needy.  It's clear he never had any intentions of leaving his gf for you.  I don't think you hurt him but it seems he's hurt you.

5 hours ago, Pansy said:

In his absence, the clinic's operations deteriorated steadily.

More importantly, what has been done to repair the above?  Was someone else hired?

[Pansy]

44 minutes ago, basil67 said:

In short, you participated in an affair with a junior colleague and it all went bad.  I suggest you cease trying to be his pseudo councillor, resign your position and find another job.  Leave him to heal 

 

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He has clearly moved forward and does not want contact with you. Please let go and leave him alone. Please keep in mind that all this stuff you're sending him can be used as evidence of stalking and harassing. 

 

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

He was just no longer interested and that is why he continued to ignore all communication from you and labeling you needy.  It's clear he never had any intentions of leaving his gf for you.  I don't think you hurt him but it seems he's hurt you.

More importantly, what has been done to repair the above?  Was someone else hired?

I appreciate your perspective on the situation. It's true that our complex relationship has faced challenges, and it has been a learning experience for both of us. While I can't fully speak for his intentions, I do believe that open and honest communication is essential to understanding one another's feelings and needs. It's been a complex journey, and my intention has always been to navigate it with integrity and respect for all parties involved. 

Due to various challenges we faced, both my junior colleague and I have left the clinic. In the context of the limited human resources in that remote small town, we are not aware of the specific actions taken by the clinic after our departure. We hope that they were able to find suitable replacements to continue providing healthcare services to the community.

If you have any insights or suggestions on how to move forward, I'm open to hearing them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 

[Weezy1973]

2 minutes ago, Pansy said:

If you have any insights or suggestions on how to move forward, I'm open to hearing them.

Do you mean for you to move forward emotionally? Because there is no relationship here anymore, and I’m not sure there was much of one to begin with. Just not contacting him and letting him live his life is all you can do.
 

In terms of you moving forward, this is probably hitting you harder than most folks your age due to your lack of experience. Just stay no contact and let time heal. Six months from now you’ll barely be thinking of him (as long as you stay no contact).

[stillafool]

 

6 minutes ago, Pansy said:

If you have any insights or suggestions on how to move forward, I'm open to hearing them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 

Definitely stay No Contact with him and stop viewing his social media if you have been.  That stuff is poison when you're trying to recover from heartbreak.  I'm sure you know this already but if you're struggling too much seek a professional counselor for help.

[Pansy]

12 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Do you mean for you to move forward emotionally? Because there is no relationship here anymore, and I’m not sure there was much of one to begin with. Just not contacting him and letting him live his life is all you can do.
 

In terms of you moving forward, this is probably hitting you harder than most folks your age due to your lack of experience. Just stay no contact and let time heal. Six months from now you’ll barely be thinking of him (as long as you stay no contact).

Thank you for your insights. I understand that it may appear as if there wasn't much of a relationship to begin with, and I appreciate your advice about moving forward. While I acknowledge that this situation has been challenging, it has also provided an opportunity for personal growth and learning. I'm committed to making the best choices for myself and ensuring that everyone involved is treated with respect. Your words are a reminder of the importance of staying no contact and allowing time to heal, and I will take that to heart as I move forward. Thanks again for your perspective.

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, Pansy said:

Here is my relationship story. 

Upon coming to a realization about these concerns, I opted to distance myself from this intricate relationship due to ethical considerations and a desire to avoid causing distress to his girlfriend.

Well ... I'm sure that your recap of all the situations around your affair (whether it was "emotional" or got physical I don't know) may have been therapeutic, but it was unnecessary.  

The collision between your feelings and ethics is the same as any other relationship that includes a person who is already in a committed union with someone else:  unethical from day one.   Not some kind of surprising event shaped by COVID and the Myanmar coup.   

 

 

7 hours ago, Pansy said:

 

I asked him to release me from our connection, but he didn't furnish a definitive response of either 'yes' or 'no.' Given our genuine feelings for each other, I hesitated to inflict pain on him without a mutual agreement.

 

Nobody has to "agree" when one person wants to end a relationship.   You don't want to be a "side chick" to a man with a girlfriend, so you chose to move on.  That's very simple and he did not need to agree to it.

I'm not sure why you had to leave your work at this formerly exceptional clinic, once he was gone.  Are you employed now?

 

7 hours ago, Pansy said:

Any suggestions and resolutions for this ?

 

Leave him alone.  I get a feeling that you are actually harassing this guy at this point.  He's made it clear he does not want to interact with you.  You might be verging on stalking behavior.  So please do what you need to do, which may include some therapy and maybe you need to find a new job?  In any case, this former colleague of yours is part of your past, so leave him there.

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Pansy said:

 I will honor his choice and refrain from any further communication.

Sounds like a plan. Now the only thing left to do is seek some support for your "emotional dependence" issues. Not sure if a therapist is feasible for you, but if it is, it would be something to consider.

I would note that "love and ethics colliding" is in fact something that happens all the time. However, it's understandable if this feels special to you as it's part of your personal "romantic history". You are far from alone in experiencing something like this.

Edited October 12, 2023 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm not sure why you had to leave your work at this formerly exceptional clinic, once he was gone.  Are you employed now?

Me either, as it sounds like you were doing great work there for the people.

8 hours ago, Pansy said:

I gained the trust of many patients and became the most trusted physician in our small town, boosting my confidence in providing care.

Did you give this up because of him?

[Pansy]

51 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

Definitely stay No Contact with him and stop viewing his social media if you have been.  That stuff is poison when you're trying to recover from heartbreak.  I'm sure you know this already but if you're struggling too much seek a professional counselor for help.

Thank you for your thoughtful advice. I completely agree with you about the significance of self-care during challenging times. I've already taken steps to maintain no contact and prioritize my well-being. If the need arises, I'm open to seeking professional counseling to navigate this complex situation. Your concern is much appreciated, and it's a reminder of the importance of taking care of oneself during times of heartbreak. Thank you.

[Pansy]

47 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Well ... I'm sure that your recap of all the situations around your affair (whether it was "emotional" or got physical I don't know) may have been therapeutic, but it was unnecessary.  

The collision between your feelings and ethics is the same as any other relationship that includes a person who is already in a committed union with someone else:  unethical from day one.   Not some kind of surprising event shaped by COVID and the Myanmar coup.   

 

 

 

Nobody has to "agree" when one person wants to end a relationship.   You don't want to be a "side chick" to a man with a girlfriend, so you chose to move on.  That's very simple and he did not need to agree to it.

I'm not sure why you had to leave your work at this formerly exceptional clinic, once he was gone.  Are you employed now?

 

Leave him alone.  I get a feeling that you are actually harassing this guy at this point.  He's made it clear he does not want to interact with you.  You might be verging on stalking behavior.  So please do what you need to do, which may include some therapy and maybe you need to find a new job?  In any case, this former colleague of yours is part of your past, so leave him there.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I appreciate your candidness. I want to clarify a few points:

It's true that the collision between my feelings and ethics was a fundamental issue in this complex relationship. The lack of full disclosure of his long term relationship at the beginning of our romantic involvement was indeed a challenge. My intention in sharing the context was not to justify any unethical aspects but rather to provide a comprehensive understanding of the situation. While external events like COVID and the Myanmar coup did not shape the ethics of the situation, they did add unique challenges and complexities. My primary goal is to learn from this experience, grow personally, and ensure that I make ethical choices in the future.

You are right that not everyone has to agree when one person wants to end a relationship. What I meant by 'mutual understanding and agreement' is a respectful parting of ways, ensuring that both parties are on the same page about the separation. It doesn't change the fact that I have chosen to move on and respect his choice as well.

As for my work, I have transitioned to a new location, as my career involves rotations between different towns. I have settled in my preferred town now.

I understand your concerns, and I appreciate your advice. Rest assured, I respect his wish for no further interaction. My intention is to navigate this situation with respect and integrity. Thank you for your input."

[Pansy]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Sounds like a plan. Now the only thing left to do is seek some support for your "emotional dependence" issues. Not sure if a therapist is feasible for you, but if it is, it would be something to consider.

I would note that "love and ethics colliding" is in fact something that happens all the time. However, it's understandable if this feels special to you as it's part of your personal "romantic history". You are far from alone in experiencing something like this.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Seeking support and self-improvement is definitely a priority for me in this situation. I agree that 'love and ethics colliding' is a common challenge that many individuals face at some point in their lives. It's a complex aspect of personal history, and I appreciate your understanding. If you have any specific suggestions or insights on seeking support, I'm open to hearing them. It's valuable to have a supportive community to navigate such complexities.

[Pansy]

49 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Me either, as it sounds like you were doing great work there for the people.

Did you give this up because of him?

    •            I value your positive feedback regarding the clinic. In my career, I have the opportunity to work in different towns through rotations and have now settled in my preferred location. My decision was driven by the need for change and personal growth, rather than any individual's influence.

    •            I want to clarify that my decision to leave my job was not due to anyone's influence. It was based on a combination of professional and personal challenges. In a remote, resource-limited small town, I'm not privy to the specific actions taken by the clinic after my departure. I hope they were able to find suitable replacements to continue offering healthcare services to the community. My focus remains on moving forward and delivering high-quality healthcare wherever I am.
 

[basil67]

I've just given this a re-read and I'm really confused.   You're talking about breaking up with him, but there's nothing in your post to suggest this was a romantic relationship.  Yes, you leaned on each other for support during a difficult time....but did either of you declare love or have sexual contact with the other?   And why do you refer to him a partner when he's removed himself from your life?

But no matter what your connection was, if you needed to end it then you should simply make the decision for yourself and tell them of your decision,  It was completely unnecessary to ask for his permission or agreement.  Likewise, he shouldn't feel obliged to discuss his own thoughts and feelings with you after the fact or to provide you with closure.   All those messages you sent him after you chose to end it were just too much.  Too emotional.  Continually asking input from him when he was clearly avoiding interacting with you was inappropriate.

At this point, you want to proceed with integrity.  The best way to do this is to make sure you don't contact him further.  Don't sent a message saying that you won't message him further.  Don't send a message apologising for all your other messages.  Just stop.  Walk away and leave him in the past.  And don't ever feel that you need permission to walk away from a situation which isn't good for you.  

 

Edited October 12, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Pansy said:

, I have the opportunity to work in different towns through rotations and have now settled in my preferred location. 

That is excellent. Focus on your profession, providing the best healthcare you can under the circumstances and move forward in a positive direction.

Please leave this man alone. Please try to date outside of your work environment and please do not develop crushes on people you supervise or have short term affairs with people in other relationships. 

The situation is closed because he has moved on personally and professionally and did not reply to your repeated attempts at contacting him

Move forward in peace and let him as well.  It's not that complicated. Work affairs happen and regrettably usually don't end well. 

 

[Pansy]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

I've just given this a re-read and I'm really confused.   You're talking about breaking up with him, but there's nothing in your post to suggest this was a romantic relationship.  Yes, you leaned on each other for support during a difficult time....but did either of you declare love or have sexual contact with the other?   And why do you refer to him a partner when he's removed himself from your life?

But no matter what your connection was, if you needed to end it then you should simply make the decision for yourself and tell them of your decision,  It was completely unnecessary to ask for his permission or agreement.  Likewise, he shouldn't feel obliged to discuss his own thoughts and feelings with you after the fact or to provide you with closure.   All those messages you sent him after you chose to end it were just too much.  Too emotional.  Continually asking input from him when he was clearly avoiding interacting with you was inappropriate.

At this point, you want to proceed with integrity.  The best way to do this is to make sure you don't contact him further.  Don't sent a message saying that you won't message him further.  Don't send a message apologising for all your other messages.  Just stop.  Walk away and leave him in the past.  And don't ever feel that you need permission to walk away from a situation which isn't good for you.  

 

I appreciate your feedback and the opportunity to clarify the situation. You are correct that our connection wasn't a romantic one, and there was no declaration of love or sexual contact between us. However, we did share a deep emotional bond and provided support during a challenging period.

I understand your point about making my own decision and not seeking his permission or agreement. In retrospect, I agree that my approach may have been overly emotional and inappropriate, and I appreciate your perspective.

Moving forward, I will respect your advice and cease further contact. I understand that it's important to proceed with integrity, and I'll ensure that I respect his boundaries and his choice to remove himself from my life. Thank you for your input.

[Pansy]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That is excellent. Focus on your profession, providing the best healthcare you can under the circumstances and move forward in a positive direction.

Please leave this man alone. Please try to date outside of your work environment and please do not develop crushes on people you supervise or have short term affairs with people in other relationships. 

The situation is closed because he has moved on personally and professionally and did not reply to your repeated attempts at contacting him

Move forward in peace and let him as well.  It's not that complicated. Work affairs happen and regrettably usually don't end well. 

 

Thank you for your thoughtful advice. I fully understand and appreciate your concerns. I want to assure you that I am committed to focusing on my profession, providing the best healthcare I can, and moving forward positively. The complex situation has been challenging for both of us, and I respect his decision to move on personally and professionally. I will take your advice to heart and will make every effort to ensure my professional and personal life are separate. I understand the importance of maintaining professionalism and ethical conduct. Thank you for your understanding.

[glows]

I don’t think this is very complex. You may take comfort reading the threads in the infidelity and cheating forums. There are hundreds of them including emotional cheating. You’re almost 40 and haven’t been in a relationship before - have I read this correctly? If so that’s fine. You learn from this and make sure you invest your time more appropriately in available individuals. He was never available and you should give yourself some kudos for at least asking and clarifying whether he had a gf. The guy didn’t even once bring her up for all the emotions and environmental stresses that were shared? Oh please. How yuck. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that the emotions were mutual and he was also emotionally attached to you given his later crying and outbursts enough to give whiplash before he shut you out.

I agree with not overcomplicating things or assume role of counsellor - his mental health is none of your business. He is not your problem and not your patient. I agree with you he would have been an infinitely better human being for not developing such an emotional dependence or letting things get so out of control with the dependence on one another in the first place and would probably be a better person for developing and having more integrity and honesty in his relationships. The same could be said about you and it goes both ways. This was an emotional affair from how I’m reading it if he couldn’t be honest about the “connection” with his girlfriend or was dishonest and hiding aspects of himself.

And second, why in the h e double L do you care about a guy who criticizes you at the end and compares you to his oh so not clingy girlfriend?! This is such a slap in the face considering both the high personal and professional regard you have for one another and also considering the display of emotional dependence he also had on you for some time. How rude, hypocritical and unkind that comment was. Please remove the blinders, take off the blindfold. He was no catch at all. It’s time to move on. This is just a small pothole in the road and we all learn.

Edited October 13, 2023 by glows

[Pansy]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I don’t think this is very complex. You may take comfort reading the threads in the infidelity and cheating forums. There are hundreds of them including emotional cheating. You’re almost 40 and haven’t been in a relationship before - have I read this correctly? If so that’s fine. You learn from this and make sure you invest your time more appropriately in available individuals. He was never available and you should give yourself some kudos for at least asking and clarifying whether he had a gf. The guy didn’t even once bring her up for all the emotions and environmental stresses that were shared? Oh please. How yuck. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that the emotions were mutual and he was also emotionally attached to you given his later crying and outbursts enough to give whiplash before he shut you out.

I agree with not overcomplicating things or assume role of counsellor - his mental health is none of your business. He is not your problem and not your patient. I agree with you he would have been an infinitely better human being for not developing such an emotional dependence or letting things get so out of control with the dependence on one another in the first place and would probably be a better person for developing and having more integrity and honesty in his relationships. The same could be said about you and it goes both ways. This was an emotional affair from how I’m reading it if he couldn’t be honest about the “connection” with his girlfriend or was dishonest and hiding aspects of himself.

And second, why in the h e double L do you care about a guy who criticizes you at the end and compares you to his oh so not clingy girlfriend?! This is such a slap in the face considering both the high personal and professional regard you have for one another and also considering the display of emotional dependence he also had on you for some time. How rude, hypocritical and unkind that comment was. Please remove the blinders, take off the blindfold. He was no catch at all. It’s time to move on. This is just a small pothole in the road and we all learn.

Thank you for your perspective and insights. I appreciate your understanding and advice. You read correctly; I have not been in a romantic relationship before, and I'm learning from this experience. I certainly acknowledge the need to invest my time more appropriately and have learned valuable lessons from this complex situation.

You're right; emotional connections can become complicated, and I have been navigating this situation with the intention of clarity and honesty. While the emotions were mutual, I agree that there was a lack of transparency, and it was indeed a learning experience for both of us.

As for your question about why I care, it's a reflection of the mutual respect we once had for each other. The comparison was challenging, and it's a reminder of the importance of honesty and integrity in relationships. It's time to move forward and continue learning from this experience. Thank you again for your perspective and understanding.