Adult daughter refuses to accept my new husband.

[heartbrokenmom]

1. Is anyone else in my shoes?
2. Unfortunately  i was caught cheating 10 yrs ago.  The other man is now my new husband.
3. My youngest, then 16 and now 26, still will not meet him.
4. I was unhappy for many years, although it is no excuse for cheating.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, heartbrokenmom said:

1.  The other man is now my new husband.
2. My youngest, then 16 and now 26, still will not meet him

That's ok. As an adult she now has a choice. Please don't force him on her. Try to be grateful she's still talking to you. 

[glows]

My mother was your adult daughter and I am the grandchild of a parent who cheated and saw the chaos it created and lifelong issues my mother had the rest of her life. No, she never liked the other woman and never trusted her. But she was thankful that I accompanied her to see both of them a last time before they both died within a year of one another. She didn’t get to see her dad again and if it wasn’t for me urging her go do this she said she would have regretted it.

I think your child has her own journey and story of betrayal, anger, destroyed trusts and pain and she needs the help of a professional trained in separation, divorce, infidelity to work through those emotions. This is not something you can help her with because your decisions are made and she likely strongly disagrees with your decisions. She doesn’t relate to you. I know you’re probably in pain and don’t wish to see your kids like this. Encourage them that yours is always an open door and you are there for them but don’t smother them with this issue because it’ll cause more resentment and anger.

 

[Alpacalia]

My father didn't cheat on my mother, but he committed some deeply hurtful actions against both her and me. The effects of my father's actions were devastating and long-lasting.

Consequently, I made the painful decision to cut him out of my life for many long years.

I would advise you to extend a sincere apology to your daughter for the pain you've caused her and for breaching the trust she once had in you. Don't push her to meet your new husband if she's not ready; instead, let her reach out when she's prepared to have a conversation.

Your daughter most likely harboring a lot of anger and resentment towards you, but demonstrating that you've grown and learned from your mistakes will help in her healing process.

If she's close with her father, then naturally she may feel that by accepting him, she's betraying her father.

Assure her that your new husband brings happiness into your life, and emphasize your understanding if she requires time to get to know him.

Remember, you're not the only one grappling with such a situation. Many other parents have faced similar challenges with their adult children.

I hope that, with time, your daughter can recognize the importance of your happiness and find a way to forgive you for your past missteps. It's possible that she may never fully embrace your new husband, and that's perfectly okay. Acceptance of him must come from her own timeline and willingness.

[SlimShadysWife]

I have aunts deep into their 50s whose father (my grandpa) had the same mistress for decades. And they still can't get over it. On his death bed the mistress came around and my aunt passed out at the first sight of her.

It's really hard seeing your parent in that light.

[heartbrokenmom]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

My father didn't cheat on my mother, but he committed some deeply hurtful actions against both her and me. The effects of my father's actions were devastating and long-lasting.

Consequently, I made the painful decision to cut him out of my life for many long years.

I would advise you to extend a sincere apology to your daughter for the pain you've caused her and for breaching the trust she once had in you. Don't push her to meet your new husband if she's not ready; instead, let her reach out when she's prepared to have a conversation.

Your daughter most likely harboring a lot of anger and resentment towards you, but demonstrating that you've grown and learned from your mistakes will help in her healing process.

If she's close with her father, then naturally she may feel that by accepting him, she's betraying her father.

Assure her that your new husband brings happiness into your life, and emphasize your understanding if she requires time to get to know him.

Remember, you're not the only one grappling with such a situation. Many other parents have faced similar challenges with their adult children.

I hope that, with time, your daughter can recognize the importance of your happiness and find a way to forgive you for your past missteps. It's possible that she may never fully embrace your new husband, and that's perfectly okay. Acceptance of him must come from her own timeline and willingness.

Thank you for your insight.  She and I have a very special bond and good relationship.   It just has boundaries and limits that I am so sad about!  I dont see her much for holidays, important occasions, get togethers, etc.

For example, when we had a party for my parents (her grandparents) on their 65th wedding anniversary, she refused to go if my husband was there.

I have put her wishes first for 9 yrs, just recently started letting him come i stead. What happens when my parents die?  Do I have my husband leave my side so she can attend the services?

This is a morbid thought but they are 90 and 92 so it will inevitably happen

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, heartbrokenmom said:

. What happens when my parents die?  Do I have my husband leave my side so she can attend the services?

Please try not to use guilt to get her to accept your husband. In fact the more you try to force them together, the more resistance you may encounter.

Focus on your relationship with her rather than her relationship with your husband. If she comes around, she comes around. As an adult living on her own now she can make choices you don't agree with. Just as you made choices she doesn't agree with.