Married…with a crush on someone

[Rejectedbroken]

I have already posted about my marital problem but now I had a different inquiry. If you have seen that post, trust me, the crush has nothing at all to do with it. I just would like another persons view without judgement.
I do intend to approach my husband about separating. I am trying to work out some kind of living arrangement in my head a little first. 

ok…so I am interested in being friends with someone. Getting to know them more. And that’s what’s happening, slowly. It was expressed to a third party that they do find me “soooo beautiful” but he immediately added……but no no no no..she’s married. He walks around keeping busy but he doesn’t look around much…or at all. Really just keeps to himself….So when I constantly catch him looking at me or staring until our eyes meet..…I wonder if he is trying to tell me something …

 

He doesn’t approach me, he does not joke around with me like he does everyone else. He did tease me a little at first or joke a little, even making a slightly dirty joke once but than he found out I had a crush on him and he shut it all down. I also know he is incredibly shy and private and does not want ppl talking about him at work. I do not either. Im only 1 year there and I had no clue how gossipy ppl can be 🙄

I’m very aggressive but with this person I find myself retreating and holding back.  I’m not going to cheat. I’m too old and wise for that. I also wouldn’t want this person to ever think less of me. My friend keeps telling me to be more aggressive towards him because she said men love that and I know usually that’s 💯 true but this guy is so quiet…What do you men think?

there are a few men at work that I know are interested. They’ve made it very clear they could care less that I’m married. But this one guy does care. I’m also zero interested in any of those ppl like that. I don’t just walk around with crushes on ppl. Or having casual sex…and This doesn’t happen to me terribly much. 

I just feel like I’d like to be more aggressive but I’m afraid I’ll look foolish or desperate. I’m not trying to make a fool of myself but the truth is, while the answer may be “he’s just a decent guy” I’ve already said plenty of things to him so he is fully aware I like him 

sorry guys, this will be the first man that has ever pushed me away….so it’s got me thinking maybe something is wrong with me? Sorry. I have no self esteem left from years of rejection and neglect

 

[Sony12]

It's not uncommon for people to have crushes on others even if they are happily married let alone not happily married. If you really want to get involved with someone though it is best to wait until after you are separated from one another. Even then though it's best not to get involved with someone from work until after you are legally divorced (find a guy who isn't part of your every day life routine until then).  It's not advisable to date people from work (though it does happen fairly often). And it's even less advisable to have rebound relationships with people from work.

 

Separate from your husband and then join a dating site.

Edited October 6, 2023 by Sony12

[Alpacalia]

54 minutes ago, Rejectedbroken said:

I’m very aggressive but with this person I find myself retreating and holding back.  I’m not going to cheat. I’m too old and wise for that. I also wouldn’t want this person to ever think less of me. My friend keeps telling me to be more aggressive towards him because she said men love that and I know usually that’s 💯 true but this guy is so quiet…What do you men think?

there are a few men at work that I know are interested. They’ve made it very clear they could care less that I’m married. But this one guy does care. I’m also zero interested in any of those ppl like that. I don’t just walk around with crushes on ppl. Or having casual sex…and This doesn’t happen to me terribly much. 

I just feel like I’d like to be more aggressive but I’m afraid I’ll look foolish or desperate. I’m not trying to make a fool of myself but the truth is, while the answer may be “he’s just a decent guy” I’ve already said plenty of things to him so he is fully aware I like him 

What are you supposed to do, shove your tatas in this man's face?  It seems like this person at work is not interested in starting anything with a married woman, based on his statement to the third party and his behavior towards you. Some people may respond well to that kind of aggressiveness, while others may feel uncomfortable or put off by it. 

You also seem more interested in the thrill of the chase, than actually having a real relationship with this guy. Work on separating from your ex and savor your sacred freedom.

Sorry that you you feel that you have no self-esteem left, but throwing yourself at this co-worker is not going to fix that. I know human nature is to fix something that is broken, but that something is yourself and your marriage.

Edited October 6, 2023 by Alpacalia

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Rejectedbroken said:

sorry guys, this will be the first man that has ever pushed me away….so it’s got me thinking maybe something is wrong with me?

I think you already have your answer - you are still married and he is respecting the fact that you are still married.

One the one hand, you say “I would never have an affair.” But on the other hand, you say “I’m flirting with this man at work, should I be more aggressive.”

My answer is - file for divorce and then have a conversation with him and ask him out on a date. You may get rejected, but at least you took a chance. 

[Sony12]

To be honest I'm not sure q coworker should be the first person you ask out the moment you leave your husband as that does kind of indicate you are just looking at them as a rebound. Rebound with someone you don't have to be around on a daily basis

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Rejectedbroken said:

.My friend keeps telling me to be more aggressive towards him because she said men love that.

It's fine to have a crush and indulge in a little bit of fantasizing and escapism.

However you work together and you're married and people at work know this.

I 100% disagree with your friend about "being aggressive" or coming on to a coworker in any way. He's not "shy" he's appropriate and professional.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I 100% disagree with your friend about "being aggressive" or coming on to a coworker in any way. He's not "shy" he's appropriate and professional.

Totally. He’s respecting personal and professional boundaries and the poster would be wise to do the same. 

He’a very likely to reject you if you are more aggressive given the fact that he is apparently not interested in pursuing a married woman at work.

Edited October 6, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

Please consider the below as a random third party response coming in late to your last two threads. I have zero vested interest in your situation and having been married and now divorced am not passing judgment on your situation on a personal level. Don’t take this personally. I say this because you seem quite sensitive and asked others not to pass judgement but yet you are asking for the opinions and judgment of others and what they think or what they would do. Just my two cents.

He’s keeping the peace without completely offending you but long story short, sorry to say this, you likely have made a fool out of yourself enough by making your crush on him known to him and around in the workplace. It may feel flattering to know men are pursuing you but that’s a reaction as well to how undesirable, hurtful and unwanted you may be feeling in your marriage due to the said marital problem and your H’s behaviour. If there’s a void and if you need someone right now it’s likely to make up for the loss in your marriage.

Make no mistake people are likely very aware of your marriage or home life problems - I’m not surprised if you are also the butt of a lot of crude jokes but they have to be work appropriate around you. I doubt any person would have a lot of respect for someone like this, sadly. If you can cuck or seek attention/even flirting outside of your marriage at work imagine what other men are thinking if they so much as have casual sex or start something with you. Will you go behind their backs too? To sleep with other men or talk about them or act sneaky? Your reputation is likely going down faster than the titanic at this point.

I’m curious- Are you his boss or in any way is he reporting to you? 

Second. Why would anyone put their career/job in jeopardy or risk someone else’s husband getting pissed off, angry or even violent or harass him in any way. He doesn’t know what your husband is like. He has likely heard that you’re feeling rejected at home and enjoys chatting and getting flirty with men (others or just him doesn’t matter) at work.

Lastly, my suggestion if you want to seek attention and dating, don’t do it at work. This is really sh-ting where you eat and in your case with your personal/marriage issues, that’s a capital S on the word. You’re self sabotaging in a huge way. Be proactive about your new decision to separate and take appropriate measures - use your energy and resources wisely. Don’t just think it and say you’re aware some ideas are bad ideas. Actually pursue the better idea instead and put your efforts into being a single woman and move forward with your career as a professional. 

[Rejectedbroken]

I disagreed as well about being more aggressive and I’m pretty sure I said that. Yes, I also kinda answered my own questions and I’m pretty sure I said that too. When I said no judgment that meant nasty comments really. I guess I should have specified that. I’m not the butt of any joke either. Trust me. This place is so big and has so many ppl there, it is not like that at all, no I’m not his boss and the only reason he is aware I’m attracted to him is because I had a passing conversation with a person I’d only known a few months and she mentioned to him my comment. We were both talking about ppl we found attractive. 
I made a mistake.
Lesson learned. I avoid them and tell them nothing personal now. Little embarrassing no one knows how I actually feel about him except - a different life long close friend. Whom I do trust.  I’m also not walking around FLIRTING with a bunch of men either, as someone else pointed out. I have enough issues and I’m not interested in adding any problems. I’ve never contemplated an affair. I was very clear on never ever wanting that to happen. And it will not. I’m not a child I’ve been around alot. I’m much smarter than that. Lastly, I have no “reputation” at work other than well received and well liked. The place I’m at is so large sometimes you’re alone…but My co workers have nothing but respect for me. As I do them. We all joke when we can and have fun. I think some of the comments were a little  rough but I filtered through for what I already knew. Just looking for a little  perspective. 

[Sony12]

42 minutes ago, Rejectedbroken said:

I disagreed as well about being more aggressive and I’m pretty sure I said that. Yes, I also kinda answered my own questions and I’m pretty sure I said that too. When I said no judgment that meant nasty comments really. I guess I should have specified that. I’m not the butt of any joke either. Trust me. This place is so big and has so many ppl there, it is not like that at all, no I’m not his boss and the only reason he is aware I’m attracted to him is because I had a passing conversation with a person I’d only known a few months and she mentioned to him my comment. We were both talking about ppl we found attractive. 
I made a mistake.
Lesson learned. I avoid them and tell them nothing personal now. Little embarrassing no one knows how I actually feel about him except - a different life long close friend. Whom I do trust.  I’m also not walking around FLIRTING with a bunch of men either, as someone else pointed out. I have enough issues and I’m not interested in adding any problems. I’ve never contemplated an affair. I was very clear on never ever wanting that to happen. And it will not. I’m not a child I’ve been around alot. I’m much smarter than that. Lastly, I have no “reputation” at work other than well received and well liked. The place I’m at is so large sometimes you’re alone…but My co workers have nothing but respect for me. As I do them. We all joke when we can and have fun. I think some of the comments were a little  rough but I filtered through for what I already knew. Just looking for a little  perspective. 

Yeah although there is nothing wrong at all with being attracted to some people at work (and if most people were being honest they would probably say that there is a coworker or two that they are attracted to) however it's usually best to keep it to yourself. If you do talk to a coworker about people you are attracted to make sure you only tell them about people you don't work with.

Office environments can be extremely catty and often times people there are more associates than they are actual real life friends.

 

 

[mark clemson]

TBQH, he sounds dysfunctional to me. Not the kind of person who has social skills or is good in relationships.

I think if you are self-aware enough to recognize there is a self-esteem issue going on, then you can become self aware enough to recognize that predicating your sense of attractiveness on what one oddball co-worker thinks or does makes zero sense. 

If you feel your crush is "severe" and you have constant and intrusive thoughts about this person, you may have developed limerence, which is a genuine altered state of consciousness relating to a "romantic object" with similarities to addiction and OCD. If it's more run-of-the-mill and you are just looking for something to fill the void your marriage is leaving, then it's probably not limerence. You can research this topic further pretty easily, e.g. on Wikipedia if you're not certain.

It sounds like you may have some important life decisions to make in the relatively near future. "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

[Rejectedbroken]

Yea I see that now. I always trust ppl are good inside because I always think they’ll be kind not wanting anything like that done to them. My mistake.
I’m not sure why she told him but it was definitely to tease him and not at all to my benefit. I expressed my feelings about it and she knew I was mad at her.
I only say hello to her now. And have absolutely never mentioned him again. 
 

No more personal conversations. Everyone has things they discuss at work. Believe me. This is mild to some things that are discussed. Some ppl are outrageous. I walk away from those conversations.

But I won’t trust anyone there again. Sure some ppl know I’m not happily married. We’ve all gotten personal. Sometimes I feel making jokes about it is the only thing stopping me from flipping out. 

[Rejectedbroken]

Mark-I see that too but I was thinking maybe he’s not like that once you are more personal? 
I’ve been thinking deeply the last few days. While I’d never have an affair, I imagine what I’ll do once I tell my spouse I want out. At my age, I’m ok never being in another relationship again. I have my kids who are starting their own lives ie marriages and babies. My adult child just expressed his distaste for the way my husband speaks to me. Being a young man himself he is seeing something. I do t entirely disagree….
Once I am single, I’d be looking for adult fun. Companionship, someone to take small trips with. But unless they are absolutely perfect, and we know at this age that is unlikely, I’m good being and staying single. 

[Sony12]

13 minutes ago, Rejectedbroken said:

Yea I see that now. I always trust ppl are good inside because I always think they’ll be kind not wanting anything like that done to them. My mistake.
I’m not sure why she told him but it was definitely to tease him and not at all to my benefit. I expressed my feelings about it and she knew I was mad at her.
I only say hello to her now. And have absolutely never mentioned him again. 
 

No more personal conversations. Everyone has things they discuss at work. Believe me. This is mild to some things that are discussed. Some ppl are outrageous. I walk away from those conversations.

But I won’t trust anyone there again. Sure some ppl know I’m not happily married. We’ve all gotten personal. Sometimes I feel making jokes about it is the only thing stopping me from flipping out. 

 

Have you considered joining a dating site? That's where you could look into having a physical relationship with someone as soon as you are separated. And all forms of dating would be on the table for you without having it affect your real life. Rather it be someone your own age that you could potentially build something with or a younger guy that you kind of just want to have some fun with.

 

What you would choose to do with your time then wouldn't be any of your coworkers business.

Edited October 6, 2023 by Sony12

[Rejectedbroken]

That’s a good idea. When I’m ready. Right now, I have a lot to sort out. 
but I will definitely remember that advice. 
thx 😊 

[Lotsgoingon]

Those third her comments "such and such really likes you"---those have NEVER panned out for me. I've had that kind of recommendation happen a number of times and things never went anywhere when I approached the person.

Very interesting: each time, I didn't feel clear in my gut about approaching the person. In fact, I was a bit turned off by both of these people and yet, when their friends told me "She likes you" I said, "well."

And things died. My conclusion from all this is simple: if me and the person can't directly communicate (with words or without words) that we're interested in each other, then there is no chemistry. Period!

BTW: partnered people (even happy ones) sometimes will say "I have a crush on so and so" and they don't really mean they want to act on the crush or that they want the crushee to take initiative towards them. It can be a way of blowing off steam.  Just stating the crush out loud to someone is often enough--they don't need anything more that opening up to someone. And if these people later become unpartnered they very well might not make any move towards the crush. 

And to the basics: just do the separation and divorce first. No need to escape through thinking about this crush.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Ooops first line should be "Those kind of comments" ... 

[Sony12]

20 minutes ago, Rejectedbroken said:

That’s a good idea. When I’m ready. Right now, I have a lot to sort out. 
but I will definitely remember that advice. 
thx 😊 

Good deal. Everyone understands the appeal that some coworkers can have but often times it turns out similar to how regular dating is where one person often ends up feeling a bit used while the other ends up being a little annoyed by the other person. That's normal dating but can be far more complicated when the place that you go to make money requires you to be around that person.

 

And the last thing you would probably want is for that guy you fancy at work to go out with you for a while and then grow distant from you because he got what he wanted from you.

[MsJayne]

8 hours ago, Rejectedbroken said:

I just feel like I’d like to be more aggressive but I’m afraid I’ll look foolish or desperate.

You're right to be concerned about this. This guy sounds like he respects the institution of marriage, so he probably wouldn't be too impressed by a married woman throwing herself at him, (of course some men like women to be more aggressive, it saves them a lot of work, but he doesn't sound like one of them). It's a workplace so you should keep that foremost in your mind, and if you're genuinely interested just aim towards friendship and wait until you're divorced to start something new. Overlapping relationships aren't healthy for anyone, and also your reputation at work is more important than what might turn out to be a quick fling.