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It's hard to leave

confusedlol

By confusedlol,
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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confusedlol

confusedlol

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i need some advice, me and my current partner have been together for just a little over a year, we were good for the first month, but ever since then he has been consistantly controlling. i cannot wear certian clothing as he says its me "wanting other males attention", i cannot go certian places (normal places to go), not allowed social media, if i dont reply within a couple of minutes to his messages then i "must be cheating". but he can take an hour to reply and thats okay. i went somewhere with my mom for a nice day trip, i was told i was a "[ ], fat, mess, that i should die & more". i do love him and i have nevr cheated as im not that sort of person, we dont have fun anymore, i cant speak to loudly as im annoying or too hyper or dumb. we cant do any fun things i want to do. i need support and a listening ear guys.....

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basil67

basil67

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You've only been together for a year or so and he's been abusive for all but the first month.  Clearly, you need to leave him - so I guess the question is why you feel unable to leave.  

Food for thought:  you say you love him.  Why exactly do you love a man who treats you this way?  

How old are you?  Do you have family or friends who will support you?   

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confusedlol

confusedlol

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i love the good part of him, the part that calls me beautiful, makes a tea in the morning, makes me laugh alot. im just confsued on which version is the real him

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confusedlol

confusedlol

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ive had trouble in my past relationships with letting go even when i know i should,  i become easily attatched , maybe thats somethign from my childhood. but it terrifies me to leave because i know quickly my mind & mental health can sink.

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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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3 minutes ago, confusedlol said:

. im just confsued on which version is the real him

Please read up on abusive relationships. It's a cycle. That's how you stay hooked. Mean alternating with sweet. It won't get better. He won't change.

The possessiveness, verbal abuse, accusations, isolation and controlling behaviors is the real him. The sweet stuff is an act to keep his possession around.

Talk to trusted friends and family. Hopefully you don't live together and you have a job and a car. 

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confusedlol

confusedlol

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please read up on abusive relationships. It's a cycle. That's how you stay hooked. Mean alternating with sweet. It won't get better. He won't change.

The possessiveness, verbal abuse, accusations, isolation and controlling behaviors is the real him. The sweet stuff is an act to keep his possession around.

Talk to trusted friends and family. Hopefully you don't live together and you have a job and a car. 

i understand in my mind that it isnt the way i deserve to be treated, it actually working myself up to leaving him that i find so difficult, there is always ifs and buts running around in my mind and i dont understand why my head works like that. i think im scared to be alone

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basil67

basil67

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1 hour ago, confusedlol said:

i understand in my mind that it isnt the way i deserve to be treated, it actually working myself up to leaving him that i find so difficult, there is always ifs and buts running around in my mind and i dont understand why my head works like that. i think im scared to be alone

Can you reach out to your old friend group?  If you explain that you lost touch because he was controlling, I'm sure they'd welcome you back

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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You know he's bad & you know you need to go.   While you may think you love him, he doesn't love you. He's abusive & controlling.   Him isolating you from everybody & calling you names is a terrible way to be. 

Tell your family what you told us.  They will help you break up with him.   Get some counseling to find out why you get so attached so easily & stay when you know that is the wrong decision.  You need to boost your own self confidence & self esteem.  When you get those back it will be easier to break free.   

The 1st step is the hardest.  Your friends will most likely welcome you back with open arms.  They missed you because they genuinely care about you & have your best interests at heart unlike this guy who is only about himself.  

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stillafool

stillafool

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15 hours ago, confusedlol said:

i love the good part of him, the part that calls me beautiful, makes a tea in the morning, makes me laugh alot. im just confsued on which version is the real him

The real him is the one who is abusive to you.  He does the above to put you back in place for more abuse.  Why is it hard for you to leave a man who doesn't love you and is abusive to you?

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glows

glows

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On 10/2/2023 at 5:28 PM, confusedlol said:

i understand in my mind that it isnt the way i deserve to be treated, it actually working myself up to leaving him that i find so difficult, there is always ifs and buts running around in my mind and i dont understand why my head works like that. i think im scared to be alone

Maybe stop thinking about him. This isn’t about him. It’s about you choosing a better life for yourself. Instead of thinking about his lousy mean existence or excuse of a bf, read and do your research on abusive cycles mentioned above. Educate yourself and find appropriate support - word of caution not to go latching onto anyone else you don’t know well going from the kettle to the frying pan. You are vulnerable because of your predisposition to abusive relationships and seeking abusive cycles. Please please please stop focusing on this individual. He is NOT the point. The focus us YOU and your life. 

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ExpatInItaly

ExpatInItaly

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On 10/3/2023 at 2:22 AM, confusedlol said:

it terrifies me to leave because i know quickly my mind & mental health can sink.

Staying in an abusive relationship is making it worse. Part of the reason it's sinking now is because you are with with this poor excuse for a man. 

The abusive side is the real him. I am not sure why you are in doubt about that. The niceties are the manipulative side, meant to throw you off and make you question your own judgement (as you're doing now) This is never going to get better. You know what you need to do. 

Perhaps seek out some professional support so you can leave this and end the cycle of abuse once and for all. 

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stillafool

stillafool

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On 10/2/2023 at 8:22 PM, confusedlol said:

ive had trouble in my past relationships with letting go even when i know i should,  i become easily attatched , maybe thats somethign from my childhood. but it terrifies me to leave because i know quickly my mind & mental health can sink.

Everyone experiences a bit of depression after a break up, it's part of the growing process.  Don't talk yourself into being too terrified to leave an abusive man.  Be terrified of not being strong enough to leave someone who is hurting you.  Start caring more about yourself than men.  When you act weak people will run over you, as you see.

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