She wants to meet him over lunch to talk about her breasts!

[Alvi]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Do you see what I see or am I having a case of paranoia!? If I have a cancer scare you bet I am not going to call some random acquaintance I have not spoken to in a year! 

It makes no sense at all why she should even consider contacting your BF unless they are pretty close or something. I don't know what her agenda would be if she has one. I am just speechless here. It would make sense if your BF was a doctor or in a medical field but I am guessing he is not. How close are they? Do they share a romantic past together?

I guess, I would try to look at  this from a compassionate point of view. Perhaps she doesn't have anybody else to discuss these thing with rather than your BF. Or, she feels like she can trust him with these things.

What is he saying to you about her contacting him regarding this? Does he feels comfortable discussing options with her?

You say that you trust him so have a faith that he is not going to cheat on you.

 

Edited September 29, 2023 by Alvi

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 I have never heard of her, I 

Compassionate is his middle name.He's involved in many charitable organizations and, god bless his little heart, he's in a group that goes praying with people in palliative care.

It's probably fine to ask who she is. However if he is generally kind and compassionate, it's best not to be possessive of this quality when he's trying to be kind to someone, just because she's a woman you never heard about before. Remember your relationship is still rather new.

Unfortunately you're relationship seems shakey if something like this makes you feel women out there are trying to steal your BF using cancer as an excuse for a date? If he wanted to cheat why would he tell you about it in the first place? 

Agree you may undermining the relationship with this unfounded accusation of women trying to steal your BF. Hopefully he's allowed to have female friends and acquaintances and generally be compassionate to all people? 

Edited September 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

So we had a conversation.

She's a friend of a friend. He spoke to her once before because she was fighting a deadly bacteria and she wanted to talk to him about this new cancer scare. She is very worried because she almost died not long ago and now this. He said he got pitty for her and 'he' offered she dropped at the hospital  and they could eat their lunch together and she could talk about it and he could make her feel better.

He said lf i'm bringning it up it's because something bothers me so he will cancel, he does not want to create a drop of uncertainty in me. 

He said he gets tons of phone calls like that because everybody thinks he must have answers to everything medical. I said l understand that and l love that side of him that is kind & human and l would not say a thing if this was a friend but this woman comes out of nowhere and l thought she had invited him out to a restaurant so l needed to know more. I said now l know it's not a restaurant lunch and it's 2 people eating their sandwich at a cafeteria l'm ok with it and l trust him and l don't want to control him.

He said again no, he's will not have lunch with her. He said he gave her a medical reference already, she will get all the info she needs from them.

I'm glad l brought it up. I think 100% he offered eating with her out of kindness BUT he's in a relationship now and l don't think it's appropriate to offer a shoulder to cry on to random single women. Even the dying ones. 

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Your experiences with previous partners cheating has been triggered. So while you trust your boyfriend, you also trusted your previous partners and they still cheated. 

It's a bingo for your option 1.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Els said:

Is there an issue with your relationship in general that is causing you doubt?

No, nothing. He is an amazing partner, always eager to please. I could not ask for a better partner.

[Alvi]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So we had a conversation.

She's a friend of a friend. He spoke to her once before because she was fighting a deadly bacteria and she wanted to talk to him about this new cancer scare. She is very worried because she almost died not long ago and now this. He said he got pitty for her and 'he' offered she dropped at the hospital  and they could eat their lunch together and she could talk about it and he could make her feel better.

He said lf i'm bringning it up it's because something bothers me so he will cancel, he does not want to create a drop of uncertainty in me. 

He said he gets tons of phone calls like that because everybody thinks he must have answers to everything medical. I said l understand that and l love that side of him that is kind & human and l would not say a thing if this was a friend but this woman comes out of nowhere and l thought she had invited him out to a restaurant so l needed to know more. I said now l know it's not a restaurant lunch and it's 2 people eating their sandwich at a cafeteria l'm ok with it and l trust him and l don't want to control him.

He said again no, he's will not have lunch with her. He said he gave her a medical reference already, she will get all the info she needs from them.

I'm glad l brought it up. I think 100% he offered eating with her out of kindness BUT he's in a relationship now and l don't think it's appropriate to offer a shoulder to cry on to random single women. Even the dying ones. 

Gaeta, seriously, he sounds like a very compassionate, good person. I am very impressed by the qualities that he possesses.  Have some faith in him. We all need (or may need one day) a shoulder to cry on at certain times. I am not seeing from his that she wants to date him in any way or that he is interested in her romantically.

I understand how you feel but please try to keep your jealously under control and don't make this something that it isn't. Don't lose him over your insecurities. 

Edited September 29, 2023 by Alvi

[Ami1uwant]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So we had a conversation.

She's a friend of a friend. He spoke to her once before because she was fighting a deadly bacteria and she wanted to talk to him about this new cancer scare. She is very worried because she almost died not long ago and now this. He said he got pitty for her and 'he' offered she dropped at the hospital  and they could eat their lunch together and she could talk about it and he could make her feel better.

He said lf i'm bringning it up it's because something bothers me so he will cancel, he does not want to create a drop of uncertainty in me. 

He said he gets tons of phone calls like that because everybody thinks he must have answers to everything medical. I said l understand that and l love that side of him that is kind & human and l would not say a thing if this was a friend but this woman comes out of nowhere and l thought she had invited him out to a restaurant so l needed to know more. I said now l know it's not a restaurant lunch and it's 2 people eating their sandwich at a cafeteria l'm ok with it and l trust him and l don't want to control him.

He said again no, he's will not have lunch with her. He said he gave her a medical reference already, she will get all the info she needs from them.

I'm glad l brought it up. I think 100% he offered eating with her out of kindness BUT he's in a relationship now and l don't think it's appropriate to offer a shoulder to cry on to random single women. Even the dying ones. 

If she is a friend of friends someone he doesn’t really know….you really shouldn’t be worried about this.

 

I thought this person might be an ex of his from his past eho happens to be in town or thry had a passed together when she went through something and was very supportive and knowledgeable.

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully he's allowed to have female friends and acquaintances and generally

He has many female friends and female colleagues and l am completely comfortable with them. 

I'm not the jealous type but...

See, with my ex l was very laid back, never asked questions, gave him all the freedom in the world. I probably shot myself in the foot by doing so.

[Kassieee]

You're coming off as insecure and possessive.

His friend wants support during this time. You shouldn't be with someone you don't trust.

Edited September 29, 2023 by SlimShadysWife

[basil67]

Kindly, I would have titled this as "she wants to meet him over lunch to discuss cancer and possible reconstructive surgery"

[Alpacalia]

Man Gaeta.

I want to be supportive of you but, man. This woman is faced with the possibility of breast cancer and you are automatically assuming that she has a "hidden agenda" just because she wants to talk to your boyfriend about her options? That is incredibly insensitive and selfish. She is seeking support and advice from someone she trusts and who has knowledge in the medical field. You should be more concerned for her well-being instead of feeling threatened.

If you are feeling insecure about your relationship, that is something you need to address and work on with your boyfriend. Do not make someone's cancer scare about yourself. Be compassionate and understanding, and let your boyfriend be there for his friend in her time of need.

[Kassieee]

Hes allowed to have female friends. Other females should not threaten you if you're confident in your relationship.

quoted below, if a guy said this to me I'd be scared. Sounds controlling and possessive.

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

BUT he's in a relationship now and l don't think it's appropriate to offer a shoulder to cry on to random single women. Even the dying ones

 

Edited September 29, 2023 by SlimShadysWife

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, SlimShadysWife said:

quoted below, if a guy said this to me I'd be scared. Sounds controlling and possessive.

 

Concerning the quote l did not tell him that, l was thinking it but l thankfully know to censor myself  not everything going through my mind deserves to be said outloud.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He's involved in many charitable organizations and, god bless his little heart, he's in a group that goes praying with people in palliative care.

Hope it works out, but you may not be compatible with a man like this.

Now that you've gotten him to cancel this meeting, perhaps he won't tell you if he helps a little old lady across the street or heaven forbid, comforts a dying person.

Please rethink your past hurts and baggage to not let the past contaminate your future.

Edited September 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Kassieee]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 

Concerning the quote l did not tell him that, l was thinking it but l thankfully know to censor myself  not everything going through my mind deserves to be said outloud.

You can mask it for now but he'll catch on. 

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Now that you've gotten him to cancel this meeting, perhaps he won't tell you if he helps a little old lady across the street or heaven forbid, comforts a dying person.

I did not ask him to cancel. 

There is a difference between helping an old lady crossing the street and suggesting lunch to a single woman, you don't know,  to 'comfort' her.  

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I know but that's how l felt when l created the thread

Consider that the way you felt was a little irrational.  This thread title, which I would argue is inappropriate to the situation, is evidence of that.

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

See, with my ex l was very laid back, never asked questions, gave him all the freedom in the world. I probably shot myself in the foot by doing so.

Gaeta, there is nothing you could have done if you ex wanted to cheat on you. He would have found a way even if you were "policing" 24/7.  

I would say that you need to work on your insecurities. I am not seeing that he wants to cheat on you with this particular person.

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

He has many female friends and female colleagues and l am completely comfortable with them. 

Well, here we go. The opportunities for him to cheat are there.. Not saying that he would but he has choices. You can be as comfortable with them as you wish but if he wants to chat, he will.

Seriously, Gaeta. Pick and choose your battles. I think this is not one of them. Not saying that you have to be happy with his.

He can give her all the info over the net and be done with it. Why does he feels that he needs to see her in person? How about talking on Skype instead?

[glows]

Im sorry this is happening, Gaeta, but glad you were able to work it out with your bf and he is understanding. My family has the BC gene (not going into specifics about myself or what I’ve done with my body). Ironically I also come from a family of pharmacists and can attest to close family members having to tend to some very intimate scenarios and questions like this. The pharmacists also married pharmacists and health care workers so fields overlapping and no misunderstandings - it’s more about collaborative caring and sharing of knowledge. 

Given all the above I still feel like I might have felt the same way as you and a little put off by the sudden desperate need. I would not have worded it so painfully about dying women. I saw a lot of family die including my mother and she desperately reached out to anyone and everyone for comfort. I am not a pharmacist or doctor and don’t have the kind of compassion or training others have, that I’ve witnessed. Your boyfriend is very understanding of you and you both have great respect for one another and glad this is sorted.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Alvi said:

He can give her all the info over the net and be done with it. Why does he feels that he needs to see her in person? How about talking on Skype instead?

So you agree offering her to meet was innapropriate. 

He needs to see his kindness & empathy has limits when he's in a relationship. 

I repeat this is a woman he does not know. 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

I would not have worded it so painfully

I did not make the dying women comment to him.  

I'm glad l can talk to him. It was the very first time in a year dating that l was questionning something. He was receptive and understanding. 

[glows]

This will undoubtedly come up again due to his professional background. The average layperson will seek comfort from anyone with some medical knowledge especially in the face of life and death and where there are fears and potential decisions to be made. I agree that boundaries are necessary in a relationship. 

[Alvi]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So you agree offering her to meet was innapropriate. 

He needs to see his kindness & empathy has limits when he's in a relationship. 

I repeat this is a woman he does not know. 

In a way, yes. I see where you are coming from. Had it been anything but cancer, I would tell you that you need to put a kibosh on them meeting in person. But it is a cancer scare, so I honestly can't say anything bad about that woman or what she is feeling at this time. But can you suggest to him to talk to her on a phone or on the Skype or something? What if you gently say that you are not comfortable him meeting her. How do you think he would react? I have to say, he is a very compassionate and a caring person. It is not a bad thing. It is not like he is being compassionate at your expense (e.g. ignoring you while going to save the world). I said above, pick and choose your battles. And I don't think this is what would qualify as a battle. Don't hold it against him if he goes to see her and offer his support for her.

Edited September 29, 2023 by Alvi

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Alvi said:

But can you suggest to him to talk to her on a phone or on the Skype or something?

I told him twice to have the lunch with her, that l brought this up to clarify who she was. That l trust him completely and to go. He refuses. 

He already gave her the name of a nurse in oncology that will answer all her questions. 

He text me a minute ago to say he's sorry he created this confusion. Now l feel bad that he feels bad! 

[Will am I]

I think the woman in question is attracted to your man, @Gaeta. Not necessarily in the physical sense that she wants him in her bed. But there is definitely emotional attraction and apparently he is the one she wants close when things get scary. 

When you used the word  “agenda” it suggested a deliberate and premeditated move to start pulling your partner away from you. I don’t know about that, maybe it was but maybe she’s just in a panic and her reaching out to your partner was more of an intuitive thing.

But either way, I think your intuition is right and your partner is acting wisely.