She wants to meet him over lunch to talk about her breasts!

[Gaeta]

I know! Shocking title eh! But it's exactly that!

My bf tells me he got a phone call from a female friend (he never mentioned her before) who might have breast cancer. I thought that's sad. Then he says she'd like to meet him over lunch to go over what are her options as she's considering a full mastectomy. 

I'm like wait ! does she have cancer or not? and the answer is she doesn't know yet, her lab results will come in 1-2 weeks. So she has NO idea if she has it or not. Also why pick my bf! My bf is a virologist not a physician or an oncologist! 

I am smelling a woman with a hidden agenda here! It's generating  a lot of aggressiveness in me!

I was really laid back in my last relationship and we all know where it got me! 

Do you see what I see or am I having a case of paranoia!? If I have a cancer scare you bet I am not going to call some random acquaintance I have not spoken to in a year! 

[introverted1]

I don't know, Gaeta.

It could be that she has an agenda.

it could also be that she is scared and is reaching out to the only person she knows who has any medical knowledge at all.  My daughter is an MD and people often ask her about stuff that is completely out of her field because there is a perception that people within medicine, even if not in the specific field, will be more knowledgeable than a friend in, say, fashion or publishing or whatever.  

I think a better question is:  do you trust your bf?  

If yes, then I'd let this lunch play out, while paying attention to what else this woman (or your bf) does. 

If no, well then, that's a separate issue. 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I think a better question is:  do you trust your bf?  

Yes completely. 

[stillafool]

Doesn't she have any female friends who also have breasts that she can talk to?  Did she ask him to bring you along because you have breasts and could possibly answer her questions better than him?  This is very strange and I definitely wouldn't trust her.

[flitzanu]

i think the notion that maybe he is the only person with medical knowledge might be valid, .

like, it seems a weird question, but that's a lot of openness about it, about the topic and from him to you.  i'd question it more if all this was secretive i suppose.

also as a guy...i can't think of anything very stimulating and sexually attractive about a girl talking about getting a mastectomy, so that's a real weird angle to play if trying to turn someone on.*

 

 

*tbf not trying to kink shame if others are turned on by this

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Doesn't she have any female friends who also have breasts that she can talk to?  Did she ask him to bring you along because you have breasts and could possibly answer her questions better than him?  This is very strange and I definitely wouldn't trust her.

My feeling exactly!

[Gaeta]

To me, mentioning a full mastectomy even before she knows if she indeed has cancer,  is wanting to generate sympathy in my bf and to lure him into meeting. Full mastectomy are very rare these days. This is over the top! 

[Weezy1973]

It’s possible she’s trying “mate poach” but why would that matter? Genuine question.

[introverted1]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

To me, mentioning a full mastectomy even before she knows if she indeed has cancer,  is wanting to generate sympathy in my bf and to lure him into meeting. Full mastectomy are very rare these days. This is over the top! 

Maybe she's scared.

Maybe there is a history of BC in her family and a suspicion of BRCA that she is being tested for.

Maybe she's someone who catastrophises.

Maybe her doctor suggested that mastectomy could be one of the options. Even if she is waiting on formal results, doctors often have a good idea of what the outcome is likely to be.

I agree with whoever said that this is an odd way to come on to your bf. Talk of mastectomy and cancer is hardly sexy. 

 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s possible she’s trying “mate poach” but why would that matter? Genuine question.

I had to google that. 

I think what matters to me right now is that my bf sees the hidden agenda. He would reject her I know that for sure! but I'd like him to see that this is highly unusual. When he told me that today I did not comment. He doesn't know what I think about it. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

My bf tells me he got a phone call from a female friend who might have breast cancer. Then he says she'd like to meet him over lunch to go over what are her options as she's considering a full mastectomy. My bf is a virologist not a physician or an oncologist! 

How do they know each other? Agree she may want to talk to a medical person even if just to help decipher some of the medical jargon.

If it were "pancreas" would you be this upset? She seems understandably frightened and perhaps she feels a medical person could help her understand some of the uncertainty. 

It's hard to imagine someone being turned on talking about mammograms, biopsies and surgery options.  Is your BF generally a kind compassionate person? I doubt this is a ruse to get a date with your BF.

Edited September 28 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How do they know each other?

No idea how he knows her, should I ask? I have never heard of her, I know his closest friends and I always hear the same usual names being brought up but not this one. 

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is your BF generally a kind compassionate person?

Compassionate is his middle name.

He's involved in many charitable organizations and, god bless his little heart, he's in a group that goes praying with people in palliative care.

[Weezy1973]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think what matters to me right now is that my bf sees the hidden agenda. He would reject her I know that for sure!

Sure, but as you can see on this thread he could very reasonably interpret it as someone scared seeking medical advice from someone she trusts. He might already be aware of a possible hidden agenda, but he can’t know for sure. Or perhaps, if this is a friend, he could know for sure there’s no hidden agenda. You have a male friend I believe that you have no romantic interest in. And I’m sure he knows that too.
 

Anyway you slice it, if you trust him, there’s nothing to worry about here. 

Edited September 28 by Weezy1973

[Gaeta]

30 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

ou have a male friend I believe that you have no romantic interest in. And I’m sure he knows that too.

Yes yes, I speak to my male friend almost every day and his name pops up in our (bf & I) conversations. My bf also has female friends and I am familiar with their names and their story but I never heard of this one in a year of dating. It's part of my uneasiness. 

Edited September 28 by Gaeta

[Els]

Umm... I don't know about you, but IMO a conversation about a cancer scare and a mastectomy is just about the LEAST sexy thing ever to talk about. Yes, it's technically "talking about breasts", but that's like saying that the guy who wants to talk to a female MD acquaintance about his testicular infection is "talking about his balls". Maybe that person does have a hidden agenda, nobody can say for sure that they don't... but even if they did, I'm pretty sure that talking about just ANYTHING else would be a better bet in terms of their odds of "success".

And honestly... you're a pragmatic woman in general, and I suspect that deep down you already know that. So what is this really about? Is there an issue with your relationship in general that is causing you doubt?

Edited September 28 by Els

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Els said:

And honestly... you're a pragmatic woman in general, and I suspect that deep down you already know that. So what is this really about? Is there an issue with your relationship in general that is causing you doubt?

No issue with the relationship.

Funny thing is I am not experiencing jealousy, I don't doubt my bf, but I'm feeling very territorial toward her.

[MsJayne]

"Might" have breast cancer. Either she does or she doesn't, a mammogram will find out in no time, so she doesn't need your BF's input for a diagnosis. She may be scared and looking for support, but there are organisations consisting of specialist nurses, care, and support people, who are available for women going through breast cancer who can answer any of her questions and provide any support she needs. Maybe I've got a suspicious mind, but it sounds to me as if this woman just wanted an excuse to contact your BF and invite him to lunch. Even if she had a definite diagnosis it would still be a little inappropriate given that she's not part of his inner circle of friends, but a "might" have breast cancer doesn't cut it. I'd be wanting to know how he knows her, because it doesn't sound quite right. Are you invited to this lunch also, or is it just her and him discussing a mastectomy that might never happen because she doesn't even have a diagnosis yet?  It's just the whole "might" thing that makes it sound like a contrived excuse for a lunch date, because if cancer is found I can tell you they let you know immediately, there's no "might" BS about it. It's great that your BF is such a compassionate person, but I'd draw the line at him being compassionate about breasts over lunch with some woman he doesn't maintain a regular friendship with. 

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Maybe I've got a suspicious mind, but it sounds to me as if this woman just wanted an excuse to contact your BF and invite him to lunch

Let's agree for a moment she is genuinely thinking he can inform her, why not just a phone call? 

I will ask him tonight where he knows her from. 

No, I was not invited to come along. 

Edited September 28 by Gaeta

[MsJayne]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

, why not just a phone call?

Exactly! 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I will ask him tonight where he knows her from. , I was not invited to come along. 

Of course not. I'm sure she doesn't want to discuss her biopsy mammogram or surgery with you. 

Would you want a suspicious GF tagging along if you wanted to discuss a medical problem with a friend who has somewhat of a medical background?

It seems you're sexualizing breast cancer? What if she wanted his opinion/support about colon cancer? Would you be this jealous? 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Compassionate is his middle name.

He's involved in many charitable organizations and, god bless his little heart, he's in a group that goes praying with people in palliative care.

If this is part of his identity or how he sees himself, it would probably hurt him if you tried to swat him down from being who he is. IMO he's doing a good thing. 

She's meeting him to talk about health, not her boobs. I agree with the pancreas idea. Would you feel differently if it was pancreatic? If it goes on more than once or twice or once plus a handful of texts, perhaps I would encourage him to help her find a breast cancer specialist...at that point, that would be the right thing to do for all parties concerned...For the best of her health and your relationship. 

I'm guessing she is probably freaking out about her life and not in the mindset to thinking about dating right now. I would agree with all of those that said talking about breasts in this context is not sexy at all. Plus really what would be said about breasts themselves? She is probably going to be asking about referrals, how to determine who is a good doctor, testing process, etc? The nuances of healthcare not boobs. It's not sexy or a come-on IMO.  Long term IMO what is more likely to happen is that he will feel good for having helped her/savior/ego boost thing.  But you can give him that yourself now by being proud of your bf who is compassionate and a helper, values which he clearly cares a lot about. If you believe he is trustful and respectful, you will see more evidence of that in this interaction as well.

[ShyViolet]

The title of this thread was a very strange choice.  She wants to talk about a cancer scare and mastectomy.  That is not exactly "talking about her breasts".  You make it sound like it's some flirty, sexualized thing.

Do you trust your bf?  That is all that matters.  Because if you trust him, then you know he would put a stop to anything inappropriate and not be easily swayed.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

The title of this thread was a very strange choice

I know but that's how l felt when l created the thread

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What if she wanted his opinion/support about colon cancer? Would you be this jealous?

Grrr, Wiseman! 🙄Why do men always assume women are jealous?  My partner's a panel beater and if a previously unmentioned female friend suddenly invited him to lunch to discuss an engine problem because engines are part of a car, I would be wondering why the person wasn't asking a mechanic, and why it required lunch when it could be discussed via video call if she really needed to see his face to get his opinion. As @Gaeta said, she's 'uneasy'. It's not like her BF's hiding this, she's not suspicious of his intentions because she knows she can trust him, it's curiosity about the woman's true motives for choosing him to turn to. The type of cancer is irrelevant to the question, the question relates to why this woman chose to turn to Gaeta's BF.  It suggests some type of earlier close connection if she feels she can rely on him for support, and it's normal to wonder what that connection might have been, and, perhaps more importantly, why it's never been mentioned. 

[Weezy1973]

20 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

It suggests some type of earlier close connection if she feels she can rely on him for support, and it's normal to wonder what that connection might have been, and, perhaps more importantly, why it's never been mentioned. 

Yes not jealous, but’s it’s sparked insecurity or this thread wouldn’t exist.  
 

 @Gaeta You trust your boyfriend so why is this sparking some insecurity. Very worst case scenario, she’s trying to steal your boyfriend from you. And as you’ve said, she’ll fail, and you trust him completely. So why did it spark you insecurities? A couple possibilities:

 

1. Your experiences with previous partners cheating has been triggered. So while you trust your boyfriend, you also trusted your previous partners and they still cheated. So you’re questioning your own judgment when it comes to choosing men that are trustworthy.

 

2. Subconsciously you don’t actually trust your boyfriend. You’ve suggested a few times he’s “too good to be true” and perhaps you’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop all this time. 
 

Given your description of him, I would trust him completely and not even bring it up again. He’s not doing anything wrong or shady as far as I can tell. You’d be throwing a wrench into a good relationship. Let it go.