Navigating Life's Unexpected Turns

[Alpacalia]

This is a continuation from this thread:

It is so weird because my father (before his stroke) was really pushing for me and him to invest in a property for him to leave for me and my brother when he passes. This was all before the stroke but he was really adamant and pushing for us to do this real estate venture and I didn't quite understand why it was so rushed.

He's had high blood pressure for a couple of years but hasn't been treating it and it's like he knew that he wasn't taking care of that, so he wanted to provide for me and my sibling in some way before he inevitably passes. It made me so sad knowing that...and then a little over a week later he suffered from a massive stroke.

It was kismet in a way because something that morning before he had the stroke prompted me to send him a message telling him how much he means to me and how grateful I am and that I love him. And my brother had also written something about him that morning, before his stroke, which was very bittersweet and something he normally wouldn't do. I was saying to myself it's almost like God was letting us say our goodbyes before he went, preparing us to lose him even though he didn't pass.

I know, it's all such a weird experience.

But he has always been a fighter and I believe he is still fighting and defying odds even now.

What has been weighing on my mind, besides the obvious, is that my sister said something to me that was so hurtful. She said shortly after he had his stroke, that he had it because he's been so worried and stressed worrying about me and my sibling with getting this investment property, that it caused a spike or something in his blood pressure and caused his stroke. I know logically it's not my fault, but I can't help but wonder if she's right and if I somehow contributed to causing my father's stroke.

I thought about it over the next few days and felt like saying to her, "oh, you're throwing this on me, you don't think that possibly the fact that you've been estranged from him (us) for the past three years not keeping in touch and basically spending all your money like it was toilet paper and abusing drugs and alcohol and abandoning your children might have had something to do with his stress."

But I refrained because I don't need to sink to that level to make my points, you know? But yeah, it's just something that's been weighing on me. Instead, I just told her that I am worried about her and that I realize she's been on her own path these past few years and this is what she needed (still needs) to do to deal with her stuff. She admitted that she knows what she's doing isn't healthy but said she has it under control. So I just said to her, please, just be careful.

So yeah, my father has always been a fighter, he's in intensive therapy now for 4 weeks and his speech and movement on his right side is coming back bit by bit. He's a very stubborn man and I know he will fight to come back to his full self again. It's just a matter of time, patience, and therapy. I'm grateful he is still with us and I'm cherishing every moment I have with him.

My concern is when he is released, he will be a 3 hour plane ride away. Is it selfish of me to want him to be near me, where I can keep an eye on him and take care of him? He lives in Arizona and says he loves it there. So, yeah, I guess wanting him to leave Arizona would be selfish of me. My biggest fear is that he will be alone during the day and have another stroke and no one will be there to help him. His girlfriend works a lot of hours so she's not always going to be around for long stretches of the day. 

The good news is is that he finally agreed to take medication to help with his blood pressure.  He's always been anti-medication. But then shortly after, he murmured to me, "do you want me to take blood pressure medication." I was taken a back by that. I said "of course I do, why would you even ask me that? I'm sorry I am selfish but I need you, we all need you." 

That question left me very unsettled and I am not sure what to make of it. 

Anywho, thank you again for your kind words and for allowing me to share with you. It means a lot to vent and have someone listen and understand. ❤

[FMW]

Of course you didn't contribute to his stroke.  Untreated high blood pressure is a ticking time bomb.  It's something that's there all the time and gradually brings about damage that eventually is critical.  Your sister has issues and her own agenda, whatever that is, for making you feel guilty.  You were right to focus on your concern for her and not play her game.

My take on your father asking if you wanted him to take medication is pretty straight forward - he's realized how serious the issue is now and is ready to do something about it.  Because he values your judgment, he's just seeking your approval, seeking confirmation that his change of mind is the right one.  A change from being anti-medication to accepting the need for it probably isn't an easy one for him, even though he now has good reason to see things differently. 

As for his living situation, I would think that if he and his girlfriend have been committed to each other for some time now, it's similar to being married.  You should certainly feel free to discuss your concerns with them and with your siblings, but she probably feels like she has the same rights that a wife would have in decisions for his every day living situation. She's his full time companion, they share a life.  As such, hopefully they are already planning, together, how they will navigate going forward with his need for more attention.  

Hang in there - I know this must be a very emotionally taxing time.  It's wonderful that your father is making progress and willing to take action (medication) to make a recurrence less likely.  

[Alpacalia]

Thank you @FMW.

You're right with regard to my sister.

I just couldn't believe she would say something like that.

I was so close to losing my composure and wailing on her and going off but I didn't. I know if I had said what I was going to say to her she would have broken down and that just wasn't what the moment was supposed to be about - my dad.

And you're right about him and his girlfriend. Well, the thing is, they are not really involved romantically they're more like friends. And my dad takes care of her with her housing projects and she rents out a room to him. I just want him to be where he is happy and is well taken care of and he is such a wonderful father. He never wants to be a burden to his family so I just hope he doesn't think that the girl "friend" is the only option there.

But yeah, it's not my place to where he goes to stay after this and that's for him to decide. In the end I just want him to be happy and healthy.

I think I will fly back out there in a couple weeks after I get caught up with school and work and then we'll be hundreds of miles apart but at least he will have his meds and then I'll always be a phone call or plane ride away it makes things little less stressful and easier to breathe. Then I'll go back when he's discharged.

The other thing is they found a lump in my mother's breast and did a biopsy, she had cancer a while back but it went into remission - but now there's a new lump so my brain is a bit tired and marred.

My Dad, bless his heart, through all of this, is still pushing for me to get this investment property so we're taking care of but I keep saying we need to make sure you're ok and they need to make sure my mom is ok... I'm older now any, when are my parents going to stop worrying?😔

Your words have been so comforting and have helped to clear things out mentally and emotionally. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to write something that is really meaningful and sincere. It has really helped me.♥️

[glows]

Very sorry to hear about the recent events involving your father’s health. Can you lean on friends and your boyfriend and chat about things as needed with them as well? The forum is wonderful too but just having people around can be comforting. I hope your mum is doing all right as well. Is she having the lump treated?

[Alpacalia]

45 minutes ago, glows said:

Very sorry to hear about the recent events involving your father’s health. Can you lean on friends and your boyfriend and chat about things as needed with them as well? The forum is wonderful too but just having people around can be comforting. I hope your mum is doing all right as well. Is she having the lump treated?

Thanks Glows. Yes, I've chatted their ears off a bit. They've been wonderful. BF is dealing with his own stuff but has been very supportive.

When I initially started this and the other thread I was alone in Arizona with my sister where my father is and wanting to pull my hair out with my sister being all blissed out and everyone was at work and didn't want to interfere so I was just in need of some immediate support 🙃. 

My mom had biopsy yesterday so we're just waiting for the results now. Fingers crossed 🤞 🙏 

 

 

 

[glows]

How frustrating life is especially with having to juggle work and travel and dealing with comments like that. Plus in Arizona you must have been feeling so removed and isolated and helpless far from your own home and friends. I hate that waiting period for results! Yes fingers crossed for her. ❤️

[FMW]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, the thing is, they are not really involved romantically they're more like friends. And my dad takes care of her with her housing projects and she rents out a room to him.

Oh, I didn't realize that, I misunderstood their relationship.  Yes, ultimately it's his decision where he stays, but if she's not really his life partner I would feel more free to offer opinions and suggestions for his consideration.  

[SlimShadysWife]

I am crying reading this thread, qouted broke me. 

On 9/28/2023 at 1:43 AM, Alpacalia said:

do you want me to take blood pressure medication." I was taken a back by that. I said "of course I do, why would you even ask me that? I'm sorry I am selfish but I need you, we all need you." 

 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, SlimShadysWife said:

I am crying reading this thread, qouted broke me. 

 

Sorry, didn't mean to upset you.😔

Yeah. That question haunts me.

Obviously, having a stroke is a traumatic experience and he must be feeling vulnerable and afraid. My Dad is pretty stubborn about his health and he is anti-medication and prefers a more natural approach. He's had high blood pressure for a couple years now but always said, ah, I'll go to the doctor and get put on medication next year.

But I also know that this stroke really scared him and made him realize the consequence of not taking care of his health.

I also grapple with, well, what if my father wants to handle his fate his own way?

Like, if you don't take BP medication we know what's going to happen and while I don't want to lose him it's not my place to decide for him. But what people don't realize, and perhaps it's the case with my Dad, is that, okay, maybe you've reached an age where you've accepted that the inevitable is near and you've made peace with it and want nature to take its course. But what you don't realize is that, you don't get to decide how your "end" will be, what if you do not take medication, you have another stroke, and you are permanently a vegetable wheel chair bound. Is that how you want to spend your final days?

He's pretty strong and has already started intensive rehabilitation, but he is paralyzed on one side of his body and he can barely speak. I pray that that won't be the case when he's discharged but there is always that possibility and he will for sure never be the same again.

At the end of the day, I just want my dad to be healthy and happy. I know medication can be a tough decision, especially when you feel like you're giving up control of your own body.  It ultimately comes down to my dad's decision and I will support him either way. But I will also continue to remind him of the potential consequences and the importance of taking care of his health. 

Edited September 30, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

So I am in Arizona with my father, he was recently discharged from intensive rehabilitation following a stroke to a new facility that is a sub-acute skilled nursing facility with rehabilitation. Everything was going really well, last night my sister and I were with him all day in his room, I got board games for us to play and we were having a nice time. Earlier in the day, I took him to their onsite barber shop to get his hair cut and then took him outside in his wheelchair to get some sun and fresh air.

Well this morning, everything seemed to go downhill. He fainted twice and they found out he was severely dehydrated and had internal bleeding from some of the medications he is on. He had to be transported by ambulance to emergency. I was trying to be strong initially while my sister was a blubbering mess and I told her she needed to go outside when she breaks down because it is upsetting for my father. Well, now I am the blubbering mess and I feel a bit in shock.

I had to leave the hospital because I don't want my father to worry seeing me in this state and I decided to go back to my hotel room and pour myself some wine and write this post. Not sure why I am sharing, maybe just to vent. I am here alone in my hotel room and feel emotionally numb in between breaking down thinking about this might be the last time I see my father alive and in one breath when I am in his presence I have to be strong for him but the other side is even though my sister is there with him now, I don't want him to feel alone and scared when he realizes I am not there.

I will be heading back to the hospital once I have "calmed" down. I couldn't handle the self-care part by the end of writing the post and now crying on the floor of my hotel bathroom. Which somehow still was able to muster a few clear thoughts. He is in triage now. Even when faced with physical and emotion exhaustion you call upon strength to navigate the uncontrollable, you are your best friend.

This stuff hurts so bad. What I would do to have him here with me. I wish I could take away the fear he must be feeling and just make him better. I can't control the outcome and I should know better than to think so, but I get overcome by the weight of it all. Anyone have any tips on letting myself to process things, give myself permission to not expect to be 100% strong and compartmentalized for the entire time. I know it is okay for me to be weak and vulnerable in front of my family members. But I keep thinking grab that wine and crack open a sleeve of Girl Scout Samoa cookies once I start feeling overwhelmed again.

[glows]

Im here and reading and am sorry about what’s happening. Crying has such a huge emotional release. I tend to compartmentalize as well, not even thinking about it, and it’s not healthy all the time. It’s okay to cry and feel overwhelmed. I am sure they are working round the clock to have him stabilized and hydrated with fluids. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Nothing prepares us for losing a loved one most of all and you’re not expected to have all the answers or be strong through all of it. 

Please don’t drink too much wine.. have some water. Even a sugar free soda if water doesn’t do it. Stay hydrated also and take your vitamins especially while traveling.

[stillafool]

So sorry to hear your Dad had a stroke.  Often times when something like this happens in families siblings start blaming each other.  I wish your Dad a speedy recovery.
 

[Alpacalia]

I'll head back soon. He's in extreme stomach pain and got morphine. The CT scan was normal, but they'll do endoscopy and colonoscopy today. He's in PCU now. I know wine might not have been the best choice.

I needed something to calm my nerves and rest after yesterday's events. Staring at the wall for hours wasn't cutting it.

Watching my father collapse and lose consciousness was incredibly distressing. I had to insist twice, "Doctor, he's not moving," before they finally called for a rapid response. It was at that point they discovered blood in his stool, leading to his transfer from the sub-acute rehab facility to the ER. I knew I wouldn't be helpful there with my frayed nerves, lack of sleep, and tears.

Yeah, Initially, I bore the blame for his stroke from my sister and my father's live-in companion. It resulted from his unaddressed high blood pressure, and my father, being protective, worries about me. My sister has become a great source of strength and support for both of us, bringing us closer in unexpected ways. There's a silver lining, for sure. 

Feeling a bit better after some sleep, but the worry remains. Uncertain about what they'll find in the endo/colonoscopy, but I'm hopeful. I'm scheduled to go home on Saturday, with school and work waiting, and I'm also looking for a new place to live. It's hard to leave with all this happening. I'm exploring the possibility of extending my stay by 1-2 weeks.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts and the well wishes. ❤️

[FMW]

Unfortunately, I've found that the only effective teacher in handling my emotions and dealing with difficult situations is experience.  It doesn't necessarily get easier, but it does get more manageable.  

You did the right thing by taking a break, you can't be strong 24/7.  Be kind to yourself and realize it's normal and even expected that you will break down at times.  

I agree with glows, drinking is not a good coping mechanism.  It will only make you feel more emotional and overall worse.  

Reach out to friends and loved ones, by phone if necessary, to help support you during this difficult time.  

ETA:  As for helping you calm down, when experiencing high stress I take over-the-counter supplements like Ashwaghanda,, and recently CBD.  You might do a little online research and see if you think those might be options for you.  

Edited October 27, 2023 by FMW

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

at that point they discovered blood in his stool, leading to his transfer from the sub-acute rehab facility to the ER.

Try not to worry too much.  There can be many reasons for blood in the stool.

[mark clemson]

On 9/27/2023 at 10:43 PM, Alpacalia said:

But I refrained because I don't need to sink to that level to make my points, you know?

Very sorry to hear about your father, Alpacalia.

Probably wise to say nothing. TBH it doesn't sound like your sister has been in "take responsibility for thing" mode for a while now, unfortunately. No doubt there were a multitude of factors involved with your father's stroke, most importantly being his cardiovascular health.

IF he will need substantial care/monitoring long term, then moving either him or someone else may indeed be in the cards unless he can actually afford to pay someone AND you can find folks you genuinely trust.

It will depend on what he ends up needing vs what he can afford. These care costs can be quite substantial, even for someone who's "well off". If he has savings AND a pension or similar, that would presumably help as a pension can offset costs longer term.

Edited October 27, 2023 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

22 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Very sorry to hear about your father, Alpacalia.

Probably wise to say nothing. TBH it doesn't sound like your sister has been in "take responsibility for thing" mode for a while now, unfortunately. No doubt there were a multitude of factors involved with your father's stroke, most importantly being his cardiovascular health.

IF he will need substantial care/monitoring long term, then moving either him or someone else may indeed be in the cards unless he can actually afford to pay someone AND you can find folks you genuinely trust.

It will depend on what he ends up needing vs what he can afford. These care costs can be quite substantial, even for someone who's "well off". If he has savings AND a pension or similar, that would presumably help as a pension can offset costs longer term.

Thank you, Mark.

Yes, indeed.

A case worker and elder care attorney to navigate would be ideal and my preference.

Having thought about it, I really think it's best that a neutral party act on behalf of my father and what's best for him.

I thought my sister and I could share the responsibilities equally but I have some concerns in that regard.

Edited October 28, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

I am at an utter loss for what is going on with my father. He was doing as fine as he could have been one month post stroke and then all of sudden all these little complications. First it was him passing out twice and having to be rushed to ER from the physical therapy. Then they found internal bleeding from a peptic ulcer. That seemed to slowly stabilize after treatment and now for the past few days his heart rate has skyrocketed intermittently.

They've done a boatload of blood work and a CT scan and now recommend an electrocardiogram. I have way too much information, and not enough at the same time. It's a lot to take in, but also there's no clear answer. My father is suffering and in the hospital and no one knows why. It's heartbreaking and frustrating.

The waiting and unknown is the worst part. The constant ups and downs of emotions. It's like a roller coaster that never seems to end.

One moment, my father seems to be doing better and then the next, there's a new complication that arises. It's hard to keep up with the range of emotions – hope, relief, fear, frustration, anger, and sadness – that I feel on a daily basis. It's like I'm on edge all the time, waiting for the next shoe to drop. Feeling helpless and out of control. As much as I want to be there for my father and support him through this difficult time, there's only so much I can do. I feel helpless and out of control, unable to fix or change anything.

I can offer love, comfort, and support, but ultimately, it's in the hands of the doctors and medical professionals. It's a scary feeling to not have any control over the situation and to have to rely on others to make decisions for my father's health.

I think I have exhausted the support of my friends and family because I can't keep talking about the same things over and over. I know they care and want to help, but there's nothing anyone can say or do to make this situation better. I'm just so tired. Mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. I try to stay positive and strong for my father, but some days, it takes everything in me to keep it together.

My sister and I were talking, and she says she just "knows" he is going to get better. Whereas I am, well, I don't know. I'm not sure what to think or feel. Every time I start to feel hopeful, something else happens, and I spiral right back down. My sister said, well, I just don't have faith then and I am not "spiritually enlightened" like she is. She then wanted to talk about my faith and beliefs and I said, I don't really want to get into that with you so I rather not.

She continued to push and bring up her beliefs, like they were the right ones. I know she means well, but it's not what I need right now. I need space to process my own thoughts and feelings and come to my own understanding of the situation.

[NuevoYorko]

You have been going through so much.   It's terribly painful to go through a severe and potentially end of life illness by the side of a loved one.   

Death is so weird.  The way we handle the reality of it in our Western cultures.  It's going to happen to everyone - to each one of us, to every single person we see on the street and driving by us in their cars and of course to the people we love ... and we have almost no capacity to really deal with it.   

You are doing beautifully.  You are by his side, you are gracious and forgiving towards your sister, you are a source of strength for your whole family.  You are living this part of your life and sharing this part of your father's - and your mothers, and the person you worked for previously - with a lot of grace.

I know this doesn't make you feel any better though.   

[Alpacalia]

On 10/28/2023 at 7:25 PM, NuevoYorko said:

You have been going through so much.   It's terribly painful to go through a severe and potentially end of life illness by the side of a loved one.   

Death is so weird.  The way we handle the reality of it in our Western cultures.  It's going to happen to everyone - to each one of us, to every single person we see on the street and driving by us in their cars and of course to the people we love ... and we have almost no capacity to really deal with it.   

You are doing beautifully.  You are by his side, you are gracious and forgiving towards your sister, you are a source of strength for your whole family.  You are living this part of your life and sharing this part of your father's - and your mothers, and the person you worked for previously - with a lot of grace.

I know this doesn't make you feel any better though.   

NuevoYorko, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. What you wrote was so beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.

And yes, death is such a strange concept. We are taught to fear it, try to avoid it and not think about it until it's inevitable. But it's a universal truth and will come for us all eventually. I can't imagine my life without my Dad. He's the one person I trust more than anyone and he makes me feel so safe, so loved and so supported.

So weird, when I arrived in the state he lives in, I woke up in the morning from a dream. I was in a truck and some unknown man was driving it. He stopped the vehicle, looked at me and said "this is where we stop now, which way are you going to go?"

Then, a few hours later that day, my Dad was rushed to the ER.

On my way to the airport to fly to my father's state, my 2 hour bus to the airport broke down in the middle of the night. We were left waiting on the side of the highway for another one to fetch us. In the airplane right before takeoff, the cabin filled with what smelled like burnt jet fuel and I and other passengers started panicking a bit. It turned out to be another airplane that was warming up on the tarmac parked next to our airplane. So, I was already pretty frazzled by the time I got there.

Aye kaarumba🥺, what are the chances of that happening.

But you're right, I am dealing with the situation with every ounce of strength and capability I have. Thank you again for your beautiful and heartfelt words. They help.

Edited October 30, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

On 10/27/2023 at 6:52 AM, FMW said:

ETA:  As for helping you calm down, when experiencing high stress I take over-the-counter supplements like Ashwaghanda,, and recently CBD.  You might do a little online research and see if you think those might be options for you.  

Thanks. I tried a gummy of my family member. I thought it was just CBD, turns out I was wrong. I started freaking out horribly at the worst possible time. 😕

I dashed out of the hospital in a panic, the hospital was a maze in and of itself and it took me forever to finally find my way out. I asked my family member what the ʘ‿ʘ just happened to me.

It was left in the hotel room and my family member wasn't there so I thought, oooh, CBD gummies. She said that I could try one. I should have clarified first. I assumed it was safe, thinking oh, they said they take them for calming nerves. That was my fault.

Lesson learned.

Edited November 5, 2023 by Alpacalia

[FMW]

Oh no!  THC gummies are very popular now, and many contain a combination that includes CBD to supposedly help "mellow" the effect.  You have to be careful, like with anything else you take, that you know what's in it.  

My boyfriend has very bad reactions to anything with THC, which it sounds like is what you got.  But he tried one of my gummies containing CBD and nothing else.  He didn't have a reaction to them at all, good or bad.  CBD does seem to help me to some extent, both with anxiety and with joint pain (inflamation).  

Stay away from anything meant to give you a high 🚫,

 

[Alpacalia]

Thanks, FMW, I will.

I was getting support from another forum about it.

We were there to transport my father from intensive rehabilitation to a sub-acute facility. As they were giving him speech therapy and I was there with him, he fainted. He regained but then fainted again. The doctors surrounded him and I thought that was it. He regained but then had a bowel movement and there was blood in it so they rushed him to the ER.

They believe he was dehydrated and his heart rate kept spiking sporadically, we also discovered that he had a bleeding peptic ulcer. He is back at the sub-acute facility after stabilizing but holy crap, I couldn't handle it. I had to leave at one point because I could not calm myself down for hours at one point. I felt bad leaving Dad but my sister was there. Him seeing me that way I knew would not help the situation and I had to dig into my coping skills by limiting myself to it to get through it.

It's funny because here I am thinking I am the strong one.

I have a glass of wine maybe once every few months but I did break down on this trip and poured myself some wine. In the midst of my Dad being rushed to the ER, my sister said to me, she has faith in God that my Dad is going to get through this. I in turn said, "Sis, I don't know that he is. I consider myself spiritual but I tend to think that it's not in our hands who lives and dies. I think it's up to our higher power."

I really hate feeling that way but I don't know what else to put forth there. She said, that I am not spiritually enlightened like she is, and that she wants to talk to me about "my faith." I admit, I almost lost it at that point, and I said, "I rather not talk about my faith with you right now." She's been sending me memes of "positive thoughts" and messages of "stay strong".

The other day she sent me one of her drinking at 5am and some meme with Anna Nicole Smith and then a picture of herself where she looked lit as a 4th of July firework. Wine bottles in the background. She goes, "Just a little partying" and did the LOL face. Like, I can't even take this on right now being worried about her. She invited me to come down for Thanksgiving but I decided not to go.

She's mixing Ketamine and alcohol and I just think to myself, I have to let her go. No more second-guessing or feeling guilty. I really hope that she wakes up one day and says, you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. That's all I can really hope for.

[stillafool]

Sending ((((HUGS))) to you during this very difficult time.  You are in my prayers.

[Acacia98]

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through, @Alpacalia. I'm sending hugs your way.