Can I trust my boyfriend to change to avoid losing me?

[Weatheringthestorm]

My bf has shown a pattern of sometimes being pushy/controlling and also unaware/does not care about other's feelings and needs including mine. He can be egocentric (per my therapist) - typically, unless he can benefit, he doesn't bother even if it involves me (excluding some occasional volunteer work)

Long story short...been together a couple of years and his pushiness really got to me and I told him I felt suffocated and pushed around and needed a break. Now I'm partly at fault for not being blatantly clear about my thoughts/feelings but he was aware of some of my concerns based on my behavior.  

Not sure how long a break should be but I figured a few weeks. Problem is we are invited to 2 consecutive weddings in the next 2 weekends and I just don't feel ready to give him another chance and not sure I ever will so I told him I wasn't going to the 1st wedding of his friend and I was going alone to the 2nd wedding (my friend) alone. He freaked out - he has written me "love letters" via text and email, begged to meet and talk in person, sent me a dozen red roses, etc told me the only thing that's important is for us to be together and he'll do anything to make it work etc....and he respects boundaries I need with work, my children being a priority, etc.  He is accepting some blame for his actions.  The words all sound great but I don't have confidence he will be able to fulfill his promises. I have refused to talk to him or meet him and told him to stop texting me and I'd reach out to him when I'm ready.

I told him I didn't like his selfishness a few months ago and he told me then to give him another chance and he'd change. He did get a little better at that issue but then the pushy/controlling part started in again.

We do love each other but am I kidding myself about his behavior? if we get back together is it realistic to expect he will get pushy in a just a matter of time or is it possible he will change? I feel bad about the weddings but the thought of it kind of makes me sick and I feel we should be apart a few weeks without communication to properly judge where if anywhere we go from here.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Weatheringthestorm said:

. He can be egocentric (per my therapist) - ...been together a couple of years and his pushiness really got to me and I told him I felt suffocated and pushed around and needed a break. 

Sorry this is happening. It's surprising your therapist doesn't identify red flags for abusive relationships or warn you that you can't change anyone.

Breaks do not work, especially when the purpose is to punish, change and fix someone. Please read up on controlling and abusive relationships and "the cycle of violence". He's not going to change.

It will just continue with episodes of abusive controlling and possessive behavior alternating with profuse apologies, flowers,  etc.,  that's why it's called a cycle.

Please take care of yourself and your child and end things for good. Healthy relationships don't need "breaks". 

[stillafool]

Breaks are really a break up.  Couples who want to work things out do it by staying and working together.  People don't change.

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, Weatheringthestorm said:

My bf has shown a pattern of sometimes being pushy/controlling and also unaware/does not care about other's feelings and needs including mine. He can be egocentric 

No, he will not make a permanent change on his own. He'll be good 3 weeks and go back to his ways.

He's the one who should see a therapist. He has a toxic personality that you cannot fix, or he cannot fix on his own. Set him free permanently. 

[d0nnivain]

You two are adults not HS students.  A time out isn't going to fix this. 

You want him to fundamentally change who he is & how he has interacted with the world for his whole life.  That kind of change takes YEARS not a few weeks off from dating. 

The Q you have to ask is whether you want to stay in this relationship assuming he will ALWAYS act this way for the rest of your life.  You can't stay with somebody hoping they will change.  You also can't expect that change will magically happen over night 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Weatheringthestorm said:

I told him I didn't like his selfishness a few months ago and he told me then to give him another chance and he'd change. He did get a little better at that issue but then the pushy/controlling part started in again.

Look at this ^   He's already showed you that he can't sustain the change....so what you're seeing is who is he is.  

[MsJayne]

Sounds like it's his personality, not his behaviour. He's the one who needs therapist, not you.