now 40 and have reached breaking point

[despairingbuttrying]

I posted this almost a year ago when I had a new boss come in and take over the company.  Reading back on that, I realise how apprehensive I was then about losing my line management role and what the future could do with this role moving forwards.  

Well here I am almost a year later and the situation could not be worse.  Aside from my initial worries, I have really reached the end of the line with this job and simply cannot do it any longer and it is largely due to this new boss.  He is, in short, a total nightmare.  

Constantly picking up minor faults whether it's one small typo in an email to pointing out one thing I didn't manage to do despite having done everything else perfectly.  He's the kind of person where he will find something, anything to criticise you about.  Being a perfectionist, obsessive, impatient and complete workaholic, he doesn't tolerate mistakes like getting a date wrong on the rare occasion or mis spelling someone's name wrong once and effectively shames you (albeit passively aggressively) when you do make one, yet he makes the same mistakes himself!  

For example, something that happened recently - I woke up before 6am to attend one of our events, got there on time, set up as normal.  I wasn't around to do one thing which was clear the table of some papers in time for lunch (as I was out talking about work stuff to a delegate and then went to the bathroom afterwards), but I had told the venue that I would do it at a certain time.  They decided to clear them up earlier than expected. Anyway, he saw that I wasn't there at that exact time and got annoyed.  I was out of the room for a total of 5 mins from a 3/4 hour meeting. I feel ridiculous even typing this up but you see how trivial this is.  This is despite the fact that event in question went really well overall but he wasn't happy with me because of this one mistake. This despite him knowing I have always been on time for every event, I have never missed a single event, set up perfectly, talk to the attendees and make an effort in general.  The way he catastrophises the situation and makes it out like it's a systemic problem when he know it isn't.  There's literally zero constructive criticism, but instead blowing things out of proportion with unfair digs and attacks.  

What's more, is that another colleague of mine just left the company as she was getting stressed out, my other colleague is still here cannot tolerate him either and is thinking of moving on and my old boss who he took over from, really does not like him either and avoids him at all costs.  So clearly it is not just me that is having an issue with him.  

Anyway, without going on, I think so many other instances over the last year or so, this is starting to really impact my well being.  I turned 40 just the other week and I have no idea what to do.  All I know is that I am desperate to leave this job and move on from him and never have to deal with him again.  Every day spent with him is so draining, I feel exhausted even when's he just in the office and not speaking.  But when he gets triggered over the occasional minor mistake, there's only so much one can take. I thought by now after almost a year in the position, he would ease up but far from it, this is his inherent personality and he will never change.  Furthermore, asides from this guy I do need to move on anyway, this is a dead end job and has very much become an admin dominated role.  I can't even directly email certain people, unless I draft the email to him first for his approval so yes, to add to all the above, he's a control freak and a micro manager.  

But here's the issue and perhaps this is worthy of another thread - I feel completely lost and an in panic over my future.  This particular job is not really a career, and I've never really had one if I'm honest.  I was out of work in my 20s quite a lot due to anxiety and stuck in a rut but throughout my 30s I've been employed almost the entire time.  I knew never though throughout my early life what I wanted to do with myself in terms of a career and so on. I did go to uni/college and majored in a humanities degree but I just did a series of casual jobs.  I guess now, at the age of 40 I'm paying for it for not having that career. Is it too late to start over, I mean maybe but again haven't got a clue what I'd even do.

I've saved up a little bit, I bought my own property, and this job has provided me a good income and some nice trips overseas, all of which I am grateful for.  So this is really the only reason I don't want to leave - the income and uncertainty of what's next if I quit.  With a mortgage I can't go too long without working and at this age anyway, I can't not work for too long.  I have no wife, no children, infact far from it, haven't had a partner for many years and it's looking like I could easily end up alone with no significant career behind me to support a family.  So where does that leave me?  I'm really not in a good place right now.  I've started to apply for some jobs but again they're just random, similar jobs to what I'm doing now, not really career focused.  At this point I think anything would be good to just get away from him.  

 

Sorry for the real vent here and appreciate you reading through this if you got to the end.  

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you're going through this, it's a difficult situation. Micro-managing is one of the scourges of the workplace, and any one who does this isn't fit to be in management. One of the effects is that it damages your confidence in your ability to do your job and that's one of the main things that prevent you from applying for other jobs. It's also very difficult to prove what the micro-manager is doing unless others are willing to back you up. A manager who never recognises good work because they're too busy looking for mistakes is actually a toxic influence in the workplace and bad for business. They detract from team cohesion and undermine workers confidence. A good manager knows that encouragement and praise fosters an effective team, so my guess is that he's never been through proper management training and maybe is feeling a bit overwhelmed himself, hence his need to deflect attention from his own inadequacies. I can relate, I worked for a guy who could barely string a written sentence together, spelling was atrocious, couldn't be bothered learning the industry-specific software we used, (I suspect because he was too thick), but was always quick to point out the smallest error - and you just knew he was trawling for mistakes because I, and other colleagues, didn't make many so he had to be on the constant lookout to even notice. I started doing it back to him, but I only got away with it because I was bordering on indispensable, (ie; knew how many millions they'd syphoned off of their profits). 

You're tertiary educated, you have skills, you're currently employed, you're actually in a good position to look for another job. It's scary, but you can do it. At 40yo you're not exactly doddering into retirement, you're just feeling inadequate because of what he's been doing to you. Maybe you should farm your resume out to employment agencies and just see what comes up, you might be surprised. It also sounds like you maybe have a bit of depression happening and that's perfectly understandable when you're being subjected to 40 hours a week of micro-managing garbage. Perhaps you should consider some counselling, if what 's happening is workplace bullying a counsellor can help you clarify and address it. Another possible option is that you discuss this with other colleagues who have a problem with the management style and get together to complain. If the business owners realise they're losing good staff because of one jerk they might take corrective action. 

Edited September 27, 2023 by MsJayne

[d0nnivain]

You are rudderless & that is part of your problem.  Do look for other employment but do it more mindfully.  What do you really want from work?  Sit & think about that.  Write out some answers or questions.  Come up with some goals for yourself.  You have to chart your own course & until you do that you will flounder around being unhappy.  

[despairingbuttrying]

13 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Sorry to hear you're going through this, it's a difficult situation. Micro-managing is one of the scourges of the workplace, and any one who does this isn't fit to be in management. One of the effects is that it damages your confidence in your ability to do your job and that's one of the main things that prevent you from applying for other jobs. It's also very difficult to prove what the micro-manager is doing unless others are willing to back you up. A manager who never recognises good work because they're too busy looking for mistakes is actually a toxic influence in the workplace and bad for business. They detract from team cohesion and undermine workers confidence. A good manager knows that encouragement and praise fosters an effective team, so my guess is that he's never been through proper management training and maybe is feeling a bit overwhelmed himself, hence his need to deflect attention from his own inadequacies. I can relate, I worked for a guy who could barely string a written sentence together, spelling was atrocious, couldn't be bothered learning the industry-specific software we used, (I suspect because he was too thick), but was always quick to point out the smallest error - and you just knew he was trawling for mistakes because I, and other colleagues, didn't make many so he had to be on the constant lookout to even notice. I started doing it back to him, but I only got away with it because I was bordering on indispensable, (ie; knew how many millions they'd syphoned off of their profits). 

You're tertiary educated, you have skills, you're currently employed, you're actually in a good position to look for another job. It's scary, but you can do it. At 40yo you're not exactly doddering into retirement, you're just feeling inadequate because of what he's been doing to you. Maybe you should farm your resume out to employment agencies and just see what comes up, you might be surprised. It also sounds like you maybe have a bit of depression happening and that's perfectly understandable when you're being subjected to 40 hours a week of micro-managing garbage. Perhaps you should consider some counselling, if what 's happening is workplace bullying a counsellor can help you clarify and address it. Another possible option is that you discuss this with other colleagues who have a problem with the management style and get together to complain. If the business owners realise they're losing good staff because of one jerk they might take corrective action. 

Appreciate your reply and thoughts Ms Jayne.  Yes exactly, the micro management is one thing but then the criticisms which may not be constant but when they come they can be so out of context and in the bigger picture, just so irrelevant, e.g. the minor typos on a document or email.  

You're right it is toxic now and it will continue to have a negative impact.  I should have also said we are a very small organisation, now there's only 3 of us including him and there's no HR dept obviously, although we have outsourced the HR so there is someone potentially I could talk to but I'm not sure how that would even work or if that's even a good idea at this stage.  There is the board of directors but again I'm not comfortable approaching them at this stage.  If this was a large company with a HR dept then it would be far more manageable.  

I need to build my confidence and figure out my next steps soon.  

[Ray_xx]

find another job and tell him to do one! Pathetic bloke by the sounds of it.

[glows]

A humanities degree from 20 years ago doesn’t mean much and offers no practical skill. I agree with the previous comment and encourage more soul searching and mindful research about where you’d like to take your career. It is never too late and I agree with you not to jeopardize your home and lifestyle. Be proactive and never ever passive or complacent. 

Regarding micromanaging: You’re not going to like this but this is how companies get rid of excess weight and employees who don’t function at the level they’re seeking. You’re being phased out and micromanaging you or other staff is a clear statement your contributions are not sufficient or you’re not meeting minimum requirements. This is regardless of the comments made. They may be petty comments from higher up but the displeasure is very clear. They don’t like you and are looking at reasons to replace you. The same goes for your colleagues who feel pressured to quit. That’s exactly what they want you to do. 

Do you really want to improve your relationship with your boss? Ask for meeting to discuss your performance and invite open critique. Unfortunately not all companies have skilled relationship managers or resources to see to the improvement of their staff. Treat this as a dog eat dog world - no one is going to hand you compliments if you don’t work for it or be sincere in wanting to improve. Being defensive is a sure way to piss off your boss who seems already sorely lacking in management skill and any interest in communicating effectively with you. I would try repairing that relationship and being an active listener. 

Having said that, if he is certain you are not performing at an adequate level be prepared you’re on your way out. I strongly suggest looking at back up work options, applying for jobs in the meantime and figuring out a plan for yourself long term.