now 40 and have reached breaking point

[despairingbuttrying]

I posted this almost a year ago when I had a new boss come in and take over the company.  Reading back on that, I realise how apprehensive I was then about losing my line management role and what the future could do with this role moving forwards.  

Well here I am almost a year later and the situation could not be worse.  Aside from my initial worries, I have really reached the end of the line with this job and simply cannot do it any longer and it is largely due to this new boss.  He is, in short, a total nightmare.  

Constantly picking up minor faults whether it's one small typo in an email to pointing out one thing I didn't manage to do despite having done everything else perfectly.  He's the kind of person where he will find something, anything to criticise you about.  Being a perfectionist, obsessive, impatient and complete workaholic, he doesn't tolerate mistakes like getting a date wrong on the rare occasion or mis spelling someone's name wrong once and effectively shames you (albeit passively aggressively) when you do make one, yet he makes the same mistakes himself!  

For example, something that happened recently - I woke up before 6am to attend one of our events, got there on time, set up as normal.  I wasn't around to do one thing which was clear the table of some papers in time for lunch (as I was out talking about work stuff to a delegate and then went to the bathroom afterwards), but I had told the venue that I would do it at a certain time.  They decided to clear them up earlier than expected. Anyway, he saw that I wasn't there at that exact time and got annoyed.  I was out of the room for a total of 5 mins from a 3/4 hour meeting. I feel ridiculous even typing this up but you see how trivial this is.  This is despite the fact that event in question went really well overall but he wasn't happy with me because of this one mistake. This despite him knowing I have always been on time for every event, I have never missed a single event, set up perfectly, talk to the attendees and make an effort in general.  The way he catastrophises the situation and makes it out like it's a systemic problem when he know it isn't.  There's literally zero constructive criticism, but instead blowing things out of proportion with unfair digs and attacks.  

What's more, is that another colleague of mine just left the company as she was getting stressed out, my other colleague is still here cannot tolerate him either and is thinking of moving on and my old boss who he took over from, really does not like him either and avoids him at all costs.  So clearly it is not just me that is having an issue with him.  

Anyway, without going on, I think so many other instances over the last year or so, this is starting to really impact my well being.  I turned 40 just the other week and I have no idea what to do.  All I know is that I am desperate to leave this job and move on from him and never have to deal with him again.  Every day spent with him is so draining, I feel exhausted even when's he just in the office and not speaking.  But when he gets triggered over the occasional minor mistake, there's only so much one can take. I thought by now after almost a year in the position, he would ease up but far from it, this is his inherent personality and he will never change.  Furthermore, asides from this guy I do need to move on anyway, this is a dead end job and has very much become an admin dominated role.  I can't even directly email certain people, unless I draft the email to him first for his approval so yes, to add to all the above, he's a control freak and a micro manager.  

But here's the issue and perhaps this is worthy of another thread - I feel completely lost and an in panic over my future.  This particular job is not really a career, and I've never really had one if I'm honest.  I was out of work in my 20s quite a lot due to anxiety and stuck in a rut but throughout my 30s I've been employed almost the entire time.  I knew never though throughout my early life what I wanted to do with myself in terms of a career and so on. I did go to uni/college and majored in a humanities degree but I just did a series of casual jobs.  I guess now, at the age of 40 I'm paying for it for not having that career. Is it too late to start over, I mean maybe but again haven't got a clue what I'd even do.

I've saved up a little bit, I bought my own property, and this job has provided me a good income and some nice trips overseas, all of which I am grateful for.  So this is really the only reason I don't want to leave - the income and uncertainty of what's next if I quit.  With a mortgage I can't go too long without working and at this age anyway, I can't not work for too long.  I have no wife, no children, infact far from it, haven't had a partner for many years and it's looking like I could easily end up alone with no significant career behind me to support a family.  So where does that leave me?  I'm really not in a good place right now.  I've started to apply for some jobs but again they're just random, similar jobs to what I'm doing now, not really career focused.  At this point I think anything would be good to just get away from him.  

 

Sorry for the real vent here and appreciate you reading through this if you got to the end.  

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you're going through this, it's a difficult situation. Micro-managing is one of the scourges of the workplace, and any one who does this isn't fit to be in management. One of the effects is that it damages your confidence in your ability to do your job and that's one of the main things that prevent you from applying for other jobs. It's also very difficult to prove what the micro-manager is doing unless others are willing to back you up. A manager who never recognises good work because they're too busy looking for mistakes is actually a toxic influence in the workplace and bad for business. They detract from team cohesion and undermine workers confidence. A good manager knows that encouragement and praise fosters an effective team, so my guess is that he's never been through proper management training and maybe is feeling a bit overwhelmed himself, hence his need to deflect attention from his own inadequacies. I can relate, I worked for a guy who could barely string a written sentence together, spelling was atrocious, couldn't be bothered learning the industry-specific software we used, (I suspect because he was too thick), but was always quick to point out the smallest error - and you just knew he was trawling for mistakes because I, and other colleagues, didn't make many so he had to be on the constant lookout to even notice. I started doing it back to him, but I only got away with it because I was bordering on indispensable, (ie; knew how many millions they'd syphoned off of their profits). 

You're tertiary educated, you have skills, you're currently employed, you're actually in a good position to look for another job. It's scary, but you can do it. At 40yo you're not exactly doddering into retirement, you're just feeling inadequate because of what he's been doing to you. Maybe you should farm your resume out to employment agencies and just see what comes up, you might be surprised. It also sounds like you maybe have a bit of depression happening and that's perfectly understandable when you're being subjected to 40 hours a week of micro-managing garbage. Perhaps you should consider some counselling, if what 's happening is workplace bullying a counsellor can help you clarify and address it. Another possible option is that you discuss this with other colleagues who have a problem with the management style and get together to complain. If the business owners realise they're losing good staff because of one jerk they might take corrective action. 

Edited September 27, 2023 by MsJayne

[d0nnivain]

You are rudderless & that is part of your problem.  Do look for other employment but do it more mindfully.  What do you really want from work?  Sit & think about that.  Write out some answers or questions.  Come up with some goals for yourself.  You have to chart your own course & until you do that you will flounder around being unhappy.  

[despairingbuttrying]

13 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Sorry to hear you're going through this, it's a difficult situation. Micro-managing is one of the scourges of the workplace, and any one who does this isn't fit to be in management. One of the effects is that it damages your confidence in your ability to do your job and that's one of the main things that prevent you from applying for other jobs. It's also very difficult to prove what the micro-manager is doing unless others are willing to back you up. A manager who never recognises good work because they're too busy looking for mistakes is actually a toxic influence in the workplace and bad for business. They detract from team cohesion and undermine workers confidence. A good manager knows that encouragement and praise fosters an effective team, so my guess is that he's never been through proper management training and maybe is feeling a bit overwhelmed himself, hence his need to deflect attention from his own inadequacies. I can relate, I worked for a guy who could barely string a written sentence together, spelling was atrocious, couldn't be bothered learning the industry-specific software we used, (I suspect because he was too thick), but was always quick to point out the smallest error - and you just knew he was trawling for mistakes because I, and other colleagues, didn't make many so he had to be on the constant lookout to even notice. I started doing it back to him, but I only got away with it because I was bordering on indispensable, (ie; knew how many millions they'd syphoned off of their profits). 

You're tertiary educated, you have skills, you're currently employed, you're actually in a good position to look for another job. It's scary, but you can do it. At 40yo you're not exactly doddering into retirement, you're just feeling inadequate because of what he's been doing to you. Maybe you should farm your resume out to employment agencies and just see what comes up, you might be surprised. It also sounds like you maybe have a bit of depression happening and that's perfectly understandable when you're being subjected to 40 hours a week of micro-managing garbage. Perhaps you should consider some counselling, if what 's happening is workplace bullying a counsellor can help you clarify and address it. Another possible option is that you discuss this with other colleagues who have a problem with the management style and get together to complain. If the business owners realise they're losing good staff because of one jerk they might take corrective action. 

Appreciate your reply and thoughts Ms Jayne.  Yes exactly, the micro management is one thing but then the criticisms which may not be constant but when they come they can be so out of context and in the bigger picture, just so irrelevant, e.g. the minor typos on a document or email.  

You're right it is toxic now and it will continue to have a negative impact.  I should have also said we are a very small organisation, now there's only 3 of us including him and there's no HR dept obviously, although we have outsourced the HR so there is someone potentially I could talk to but I'm not sure how that would even work or if that's even a good idea at this stage.  There is the board of directors but again I'm not comfortable approaching them at this stage.  If this was a large company with a HR dept then it would be far more manageable.  

I need to build my confidence and figure out my next steps soon.  

[Ray_xx]

find another job and tell him to do one! Pathetic bloke by the sounds of it.

[glows]

A humanities degree from 20 years ago doesn’t mean much and offers no practical skill. I agree with the previous comment and encourage more soul searching and mindful research about where you’d like to take your career. It is never too late and I agree with you not to jeopardize your home and lifestyle. Be proactive and never ever passive or complacent. 

Regarding micromanaging: You’re not going to like this but this is how companies get rid of excess weight and employees who don’t function at the level they’re seeking. You’re being phased out and micromanaging you or other staff is a clear statement your contributions are not sufficient or you’re not meeting minimum requirements. This is regardless of the comments made. They may be petty comments from higher up but the displeasure is very clear. They don’t like you and are looking at reasons to replace you. The same goes for your colleagues who feel pressured to quit. That’s exactly what they want you to do. 

Do you really want to improve your relationship with your boss? Ask for meeting to discuss your performance and invite open critique. Unfortunately not all companies have skilled relationship managers or resources to see to the improvement of their staff. Treat this as a dog eat dog world - no one is going to hand you compliments if you don’t work for it or be sincere in wanting to improve. Being defensive is a sure way to piss off your boss who seems already sorely lacking in management skill and any interest in communicating effectively with you. I would try repairing that relationship and being an active listener. 

Having said that, if he is certain you are not performing at an adequate level be prepared you’re on your way out. I strongly suggest looking at back up work options, applying for jobs in the meantime and figuring out a plan for yourself long term.

[despairingbuttrying]

Thanks for the previous comments and feedback.  Sorry it's taken me a while to get back on here and acknowledge your responses and time.  

Unfortunately, my situation has barely improved and recently it has got worse.  I thought too like @glowswas saying that perhaps he was trying to get rid of me etc. but it's been months since the last posting and for quite a while I haven't had any major incidents like the one above (that is until this week which I'll describe below).  Also he behaved this way with the lady who did leave and he did like her and wanted her to stay so I do believe this is just his toxic personality.  Then a few months ago, our longest serving employee finally had enough too and retired, again because he felt he was being mistreated. 

The micromanaging, the intensity, the obsession with his job has continued irrespective of what I do or don't do.  I think @MsJayne you describe everything about this guy to the tee and yes, like you say over time this is eroding my confidence, enthusiasm and abilities.  He went away earlier this year for 2 weeks on holiday and spent every day on his emails.  Every event, every meeting, every task is like a military exercise as if we're going out to battle.  To him, this is his baby, the be and end all which is why whenever I do mess up even in such a minor way, he loses the plot and almost takes it personally as if I've insulted his mother.  This could be a slight misunderstanding with the wording of an email to simply not doing something he expected me to do but didn't tell me, which is where I come to this instance here...

So earlier this week we had a small social drinks evening for around 25 people where we announced the winners of a competition.  This was just an informal evening so I didn't really do a running order/agenda as it was just a case of one person speaking for a few mins and then an announcement of the winners and then drinks and that was it. 

Firstly my boss said that the speaker of the event had little knowledge of the event.  This is untrue as I have proof I sent him the email telling him the essential info. But because I didn't do a briefing document, my boss in his words was "deeply disappointed" that I didn't do a full breakdown of the entire evening with exact timings, background info, prompts.  Eventually he did one and it was 4-5 pages long!  I usually do an agenda/attendance list for our other meetings where we have set presentations (and he's never complained about these because he knows I do these right) but this event format we have never had before plus the fact that it was more of a social, informal meeting so that was my focus rather than turning it into a UN meeting.  

So in my opinion he should have just told me what's expected, but instead said it's a concern that he had to ask for a running order.  He asked me on Monday for a running order, I did it straight away and sent it to him, he wasn't annoyed then but sat on it for two days and then at 11pm the night before the event, he says how disappointed he is that I hadn't come up with this 4 page document he's done!  He expects me to have read his mind and is virtually insulted that I didn't do this!  I responded to him over email and said we hadn't done an event like this before and you didn't make it clear to me exactly what you wanted but he wasn't accepting it and now he wants to meet me on Monday to discuss it in person!  Perhaps he didn't like me telling me to make it clear to me what needed to be done, but I'm just trying to be reasonable and understanding about it but he reacts as if world war 3 is going to break out when I'm just asking him to be clearer in his communication.  

I've done these events/meetings now more than 6 years, never missed a meeting, always on time and put together all the agendas on time, sent/printed them out and so on.  He has acknowledged that I've worked hard and does alot but the moment he feels you've messed up, he lets loose, and erupts.  No swearing or shouting but has a way of making you feel so useless and it's just demoralising to the point where you lose confidence in yourself and start believing you have a problem.  Like early on, how he mentioned to both myself and my ex colleague who left last summer because of him, that we had a problem with attention to detail, due to making the odd typo here and there or misspelling someone's name once.  I almost started to believe that perhaps I did have an issue with attention to detail because he said this numerous times in the first few months every time I made a very minor mistake.  Looking back, this is simply being human and making a small mistake.  Isn't this gaslighting? 

To give you another quick example, the other week, an organisation confirmed they were speaking for an event weeks ago, an email was sent out about the event and then one of the employees said he was not sure if they had confirmed.  The very instant that email was sent to myself and my boss, he calls me and asks me what was going on and simply assumed that I had messed up.  Did not even give me a chance or any time at all to read the email and respond myself.  I'm sure they had confirmed and said I will double check but my boss still tried to make it out that it was my fault when he called.  They did indeed confirm and the employee had simply forgotten.  When I sent the confirmation email through to him and I proved myself correct, there was no acknowledgement or an apology from him.  And what's more this all happened on his day off! On his day off, sitting there in front of his laptop, probably clicking refresh on his email every five seconds. 

Anyway, I'm really at a breaking point now, it is getting unbearable to the point where I may have to quit even without something else to go to because I just can't take this anymore.  Since I got that email on Weds night I haven't really stopped thinking about it and it is messing me up inside and this is painful to be so misunderstood and frankly, in my view undervalued and mistreated.  The problem is when I have all this work to do, it's exhausting looking for other work as well.  I have managed to get the odd interview here and there but nothing successful so far.  But like you say @d0nnivain I am still rudderless as ever, I have no idea what to do next.  I don't have a vocation as such so that makes things even more challenging as I need some focus.  At this point though mopping floors is better than being around him.  

I need to make a decision now... Quitting without having anything else to go to - this is really the last resort because although I have savings to live off for a while, I don't want to waste this.  The other option is to keep enduring this BS whilst looking for other opportunities but I know moments like the above will happen again sooner or later and this will be an endless cycle of toxicity.  I will end up having a breakdown at some point.

I was also going to ask, is there a reasonable cause for me to approach HR and at least discuss this?  Will they be even interested in this however?  Obviously I don't want my boss to find out and HR will be on his side no doubt.  I have never approached HR in any of my previous jobs because it's never got to such a low point so no idea how this works.  There is a board of directors at my work but I think speaking to one of them might be awkward too.  And with the two other Members of staff who I was close having left, there is no-one for me to confide in either. 

 

Edited May 10 by despairingbuttrying

[MsJayne]

So you've endured another 8 months of the micro-manager, you should be teetering on the verge of homicide by now. If you know for a fact that other staff have left because of him perhaps you could approach HR and tell them your concerns and let them know that the constant feeling of being undermined is having an effect on team morale. You've got a whole list of incidents where he's making a big deal out of relatively minor issues. He sounds like he may have a bit of OCD going on, it's one thing to like things to be running smoothly and in order, another to be frequently telling experienced staff how to do their job and undermining their performance by doing things like, eg: his 4 page running order that he thinks you should have produced. Just going over his inflated head to complain about him could be the jolt he needs. He's using his position of authority to belittle subordinate staff, and he needs someone to give him an honest appraisal of his own crappy performance as a manager.  

[Acacia98]

On 9/28/2023 at 12:53 AM, MsJayne said:

You're tertiary educated, you have skills, you're currently employed, you're actually in a good position to look for another job. It's scary, but you can do it. At 40yo you're not exactly doddering into retirement, you're just feeling inadequate because of what he's been doing to you. Maybe you should farm your resume out to employment agencies and just see what comes up, you might be surprised.

OP, don't you think it's time you did as Ms Jayne suggested above last year? If you haven't taken this step yet, why not? Could you modify your mindset so that you're not exclusively focused on your current job? What other options are open to you? What possibilities could you pursue?

[despairingbuttrying]

22 hours ago, MsJayne said:

So you've endured another 8 months of the micro-manager, you should be teetering on the verge of homicide by now. If you know for a fact that other staff have left because of him perhaps you could approach HR and tell them your concerns and let them know that the constant feeling of being undermined is having an effect on team morale. You've got a whole list of incidents where he's making a big deal out of relatively minor issues. He sounds like he may have a bit of OCD going on, it's one thing to like things to be running smoothly and in order, another to be frequently telling experienced staff how to do their job and undermining their performance by doing things like, eg: his 4 page running order that he thinks you should have produced. Just going over his inflated head to complain about him could be the jolt he needs. He's using his position of authority to belittle subordinate staff, and he needs someone to give him an honest appraisal of his own crappy performance as a manager.  

Hi @MsJayne  exactly, I don't know how I've coped this long - however as I mentioned things can settle down for a while, he can almost be pleasant for a while but then at some point, this kind of incident will occur again the next time I make a similar, minor mistake or simply don't do something quite how he expects it. Then I have go through this again, these emotions and it's horrible. It's impossible to keep up because it does feel like he is almost sitting there looking for mistakes sometimes.  But I think this relates to the OCD which you quite rightly mention.  100% this is clearly the case which explains the constant perfectionism, the exaggerated reactions over the very minor mistakes, just like the OCD person who would go mad if their things were moved a millimetre out of place. Bad enough perhaps if you knew someone like that, but to work with someone like this.    

I have a feeling as you've commented, you have had to deal with a person like this in the past?  If so, what was your experience and how did you overcome it?  I guess finding another job is the obvious solution and I am going to have to ramp that up asap.  

One thing I have done, and who knows if it is of any use is that I've taken a paper trail (emails) to outline some examples of his approach, communication and behaviour. It's not enough obviously to go down the legal route but perhaps something I can approach HR if it came to that. 

Edited May 11 by despairingbuttrying

[despairingbuttrying]

21 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

OP, don't you think it's time you did as Ms Jayne suggested above last year? If you haven't taken this step yet, why not? Could you modify your mindset so that you're not exclusively focused on your current job? What other options are open to you? What possibilities could you pursue?

@Acacia98 Thanks for the comment.  Yes, correct, I have applied for jobs here and there and I did have a couple of interviews but unfortunately I was not successful.  I'm just not sure what I want to do next.  I think back then I was at breaking point, now I have one foot out of the door.  It's just that I can't finally take that final next step without having something else to move onto, not with a mortgage and bills to pay, like most of us of course.  I could be ok for a while with savings and then I pour all my time into looking for new work but it's a risk obviously.  I have to believe I can do this, I just need some guidance perhaps. 

It does come down to options, as you were asking, I'm not sure what they are at this stage now. I'm not a young man anymore (not old), so the thought of starting over doing something completely different scares me plus I'm not even sure what that would be.  I thought perhaps having my own business is an idea (I did have a specific type of cafe idea) but I have no idea where I would even start with this!  

I'm worried about my future.  This job has given me stability, it enabled me to buy my first property and the salary is decent which means I can live a comfortable enough life for now.  So it has provided benefits but at what cost now...? 

So the short term plan is at least to find some work on par with this in terms of salary hopefully and with a normal boss. 

[MsJayne]

43 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I have a feeling as you've commented, you have had to deal with a person like this in the past?  If so, what was your experience and how did you overcome it?  I guess finding another job is the obvious solution and I am going to have to ramp that up asap.  

Yep, I sure did, and after 17 years of loyalty and actually caring about their bottom line and the company image, etc, organising things like their family OS trips, their mothers 80th birthday party, watching their kids grow up, and being told I was "family" and how much they loved me, they made us all redundant and diddled all of us out of redundancy payments. I decided that, despite being 58 at the time, I would be OK and I would use the opportunity to train for a different career where I can be self-employed because I've vowed never to give a s**t about an employer again.  Two years down the track I'm weeks away from gaining a diploma in another field. I admit that it hasn't been easy, it turned my life upside down losing my steady income, changed my retirement plan, meant I had to sell my home sooner than I'd originally planned, but it's all turned out fine, as it always does if you refuse to let a******s bring you down. I very much wish I'd left years earlier, probably around the ten year mark I'd started pondering dissatisfaction with the job itself and I should have gone forward then, but instead I stagnated and dithered out of misguided loyalty,  worrying about my age in a youth-centric job market, and the belief that I might not find such a well-paid job, (mainly because the boss was like yours, devalued me just often enough that it sometimes made me question my ability  -  seriously stupid of me, deep down I knew who the Office Incompetent was and why he targeted me and the one other staff member who saw through his crap). You can do this, but maybe don't wait around for the axe to fall like I did, much better to do it on your own terms than find yourself having to make life-changing decisions under duress.