Wife has stage 4 cancer and I feel psychotic

[jeniefriday]

I think it's appropriate to start this post by saying I am losing my mind. For those who have not seen my previous posts, I have been in a relationship with a married man for the past 1,5 years. At first I was contented with just the attention and our mind-blowing sex. I don't believe in marriage or the idea of soulmates for a variety of reasons. 

My mind started to turn toxic when his wife suspected the affair back in December. I felt threatened that I would lose his attention and the sex. But mm never withdrew or ghosted me amid this suspicion. The thing about toxic thoughts is they take seed, grow branches and suddenly take over your mind. I felt envious that she could get a man like mm to marry her. The logical mind exists but subdued and powerless. How could I envy someone whose husband cheats on her? 

So in March, his wife complained of lower abdominal pain. A CT scan showed a 13-cm (5-inch) mass thought to be fibroid. During surgery, the doctor discovered it was a tumor and it had damaged her right ovary, fallopian tube and part of her colon. The diagnosis came back as stage 4 melanoma. 

I felt psychotic because instead of feeling sympathetic, I was euphoric. My therapist said it was understandable because I regarded her as a threat to my happiness. 

I am posting with the hope that someone's words might hit deep. I feel like I'm losing my mind and beyond the help of my therapist. I'm not looking for sympathy here because I don't deserve any. Cursing at me is more appropriate.

The thing is I know all the logical answers but I feel paralyzed to act on them. 

1. Surgeon removed her right ovary and part of her intestine. Had to reopen her abdomen 2 weeks later due to infection. Instead of feeling sad for her immense pain, I thought her uterus and left ovary are still intact. She could still get pregnant. I frantically googled the chance of getting pregnant with just 1 ovary and the answer is as good as having 2 ovaries. It ruined my day.

2. She was to have 6 sessions of immunotherapy in her hometown so her family could look after her. Mm and I meet freely and I even stayed at their house. Big mistake! It messed up my mind so much because now the stakes become higher for me. 

3. She was to have a scan after 6 sessions of immunotherapy. I started following all the youtubers that had stage 4 melanoma to assess the effectiveness of immunotherapy. Four died and two NED. Ruined my day again to think she could be free from the disease and I could no longer meet mm freely. And I probably had worse scanxiety than her.

4. We were watching a movie when mm received the scan result. There was a new 5-inch growth near her bladder. The only other location was a swollen lymph node in the right armpit. She has bowel obstruction from the new tumor. My logical brain says it's very serious and how crushed she might have felt. But my psychotic brain says it's only 2 locations, she would survive. She would beat cancer and me. I even joined a melanoma support group and when a few members said immunotherapy could shrink a large tumor to 0, my heart sank.

5. Most PSYCHOTIC thought. She wanted to go on holiday with her husband and family in December if she gets better. I felt jealousy took over my entire body. On the same day, her relative saw me and mm watching a movie and took a picture of us and sent it to her. I felt psychotically happy to have rained on her day.

6. For selfish reason I tried to break up with mm, because I could no longer cope that my life has been taken over by these obsessive thoughts. Mm begged and begged, but I ignored him because I wanted to commit to NC. Then he stopped texting me for a few hours and I went crazy. I felt like a drug addict having withdrawal. When he texted me at night I felt like I got my drug fix.

Right now I'm feeling so hopeless. I don't know if I could ever get my life back again. I even feel envious that she has cancer because if she could beat this, she's omnipotent. If I have cancer, I would die. Because I'm a loser and she's a goddess.

My logical brain says even if she dies and he marries me, there's no guarantee our relationship would last. But the logical brain is being chained, powerless. I'm not convinced the therapist could help me. She only said I'm handing way too much power to mm for my happiness. If I catastrophize, I should try this exercise: name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch and so on and so on. Too simplistic for my dark soul. Desperate here.

 

Edited September 23, 2023 by jeniefriday

[glows]

I’m not sure why you need him in the first place. What role does he play in your life? He’s not a boyfriend or a spouse. Why do you think you’re a loser? 

[jeniefriday]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I’m not sure why you need him in the first place. What role does he play in your life? He’s not a boyfriend or a spouse. Why do you think you’re a loser? 

Because I can't get someone who's so smart, good-looking, sweet and good on bed to marry me. 

[glows]

Hm. What are you doing to increase your odds of getting a single, good looking and good man to marry you? 

 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, jeniefriday said:

. I don't believe in marriage or the idea of soulmates for a variety of reasons. I felt envious that she could get a man like mm to marry her. 

Are you still married? How old is your lover? He seems like a real creep if this story about hanging out with you while his wife is battling with cancer is true.

[jeniefriday]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you still married? How old is your lover? He seems like a real creep if this story about hanging out with you while his wife is battling with cancer is true.

I'm also a creep. He's 30. I'm separated.

[jeniefriday]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Hm. What are you doing to increase your odds of getting a single, good looking and good man to marry you? 

 

I'm already 40, what are the odds for women?

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, jeniefriday said:

I'm also a creep. He's 30. I'm separated.

Do you work together? How long have you been separated from your husband? Are you still living with him? Do you have medical insurance? Can you possibly afford inpatient treatment for the psychosis? 

[jeniefriday]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you work together? How long have you been separated from your husband? Are you still living with him? Do you have medical insurance? Can you possibly afford inpatient treatment for the psychosis? 

Yes, he's my client and business partner. Physically separated for 1 year, no longer living with him. I don't think my medical insurance covers mental illness, I'll have to check with my consultant. Also, I'm living in a country where healthcare (physical and mental) is not so developed. I am hoping for a tele-consultation with a therapist in US.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, jeniefriday said:

Because I can't get someone who's so smart, good-looking, sweet

In what univesre does "sweet" include bringing another woman to his house while his wife is fighting for her life? 

[jeniefriday]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In what univesre does "sweet" include bringing another woman to his house while his wife is fighting for her life? 

And I lost my soul, my capability to empathize with her pain.

[d0nnivain]

8 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

 I don't believe in marriage or the idea of soulmates for a variety of reasons. 

My therapist said it was understandable because I regarded her as a threat to my happiness. 

I

My logical brain says even if she dies and he marries me, there's no guarantee our relationship would last. But the logical brain is being chained, powerless. I'm not convinced the therapist could help me. She only said I'm handing way too much power to mm for my happiness. If I catastrophize, I should try this exercise: name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch and so on and so on. Too simplistic for my dark soul. Desperate here.

 

 

8 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

Because I can't get someone who's so smart, good-looking, sweet and good on bed to marry me. 

 

7 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

Yes, he's my client and business partner. Physically separated for 1 year, no longer living with him. I don't think my medical insurance covers mental illness, I'll have to check with my consultant. Also, I'm living in a country where healthcare (physical and mental) is not so developed. I am hoping for a tele-consultation with a therapist in US.

  I'm confused.   In one post you say you can't get good health care where you are but in another you talk about your therapist twice.  You need to do that grounding exercise when you are spinning out of control.  It's simplistic because it needs to be.  EMDR helped me when I was that far gone but that was only once per week in therapy.  I couldn't carry the machine around with me. 

As for marriage, you were married but don't believe in the institution yet you fantasize about marrying your MM?   You seem to be all over the place.  

Given your strong over the top feelings about this situation, I think you need to ask your therapist for more info.  If health care is lacking where you are, try a telehealth option 

[jeniefriday]

32 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm confused.   In one post you say you can't get good health care where you are but in another you talk about your therapist twice. 

I had a zoom session with a therapist overseas. It's very expensive.

 

33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

As for marriage, you were married but don't believe in the institution yet you fantasize about marrying your MM

I don't want to marry MM. I'm just afraid that even hooking up with him might be taken away someday. Well, there's no answer to this since I brought this upon myself by falling for a married man. I also know even with the wife gone, there's no guarantee our relationship would last. I need to learn how to live without romance. Any thoughts on this? Accepting life without love, sex, romance.

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to live without love sex or romance.  You simply need to find an available partner.  A MM is not it.  

[Weezy1973]

@jeniefriday It’s not that the MM controls your happiness; it’s that you’re dependent on him for your self-worth. And your mind is so frantic because if you lose him, it will confirm your belief that you’re not worthy of being loved. It’s the pain of those thoughts that you’re trying to avoid at all costs. MM is exactly like a drug that helps you escape that pain.

[jeniefriday]

35 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@jeniefriday It’s not that the MM controls your happiness; it’s that you’re dependent on him for your self-worth. And your mind is so frantic because if you lose him, it will confirm your belief that you’re not worthy of being loved. It’s the pain of those thoughts that you’re trying to avoid at all costs. MM is exactly like a drug that helps you escape that pain.

Exactly. I want to work on it, not sure if I could.

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems like a real creep if this story about hanging out with you while his wife is battling with cancer is true.

And sharing her private health information with his affair partner. Does he not realize that you have an unhealthy obsession with this woman? 

Edited September 23, 2023 by BaileyB

[jeniefriday]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Does he not realize that you have an unhealthy obsession with this woman? 

If he knows, he would freak out and run. That's why wifey wins hands down. What a fool, fooling around despite being married to such a goddess.

Edited September 23, 2023 by jeniefriday

[d0nnivain]

You can work on it & you can fix it.  If you can't get real therapy try ordering some self help books on line.  

[jeniefriday]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You can work on it & you can fix it.  If you can't get real therapy try ordering some self help books on line.  

Thank you for your words. Reading is the only thing I enjoy now. I also watched many youtube videos on Buddhism, Stoicism etc. I have yet to find the answer on flourishing without love.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow. That's all I gotta say. Wow. 

 

[BaileyB]

Human beings are not meant to “flourish without love.” Humans are social beings, and research has shown that happiness and mental health are derived (at least in part) from the relationships we share with others. 

As you are experiencing, there is not much happiness to be found from a relationship to an otherwise committed, unavailable partner. 

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, I would advise you to seek help from your physician, a psychiatrist, a counsellor, or any mental health crisis service. To say that your posts are concerning would be an understatement - this is not something to be solved on a message board, please seek help from trained professionals. 

Take care. 
 

[jeniefriday]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Human beings are not meant to “flourish without love

Could we still find romantic love based on mutual attraction beyond a certain age? 

 

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

To say that your posts are concerning would be an understatement

Thank you Bailey, I enjoy reading your insights on the various threads here. I somehow felt "detoxified" after writing this post. I visualized myself a carefree woman enjoying herself in a holiday destination. And I want to be that woman.

[ShyViolet]

You have very significant mental health issues.  You say you see a therapist; it sounds like that is not cutting it.  My only advice is to cut off this relationship, stay no-contact with this man because you are unable to keep yourself in a good mental place while in this situation, and seek more mental health care ASAP.

[Lotsgoingon]

I agree with @ShyViolet: your therapist sounds ineffective. You need someone really high level who is going to ask you yes or no, if you're willing to stop this obsession with the mm. A lot of the high-level therapists don't want to work with someone not committed to making the change that will improve their mental health. The only path to health is to end the relationship. Sure, you can work on some other elements of yourself, but quitting the relationship is a necessary part of any healthy version of you. 

Sounds like the current therapist is just tinkering around the edges when you need a lot more than  tinkering. 

You have got some serious emptiness deep inside that you are filling (and fantasizing that you are filling) with the affection of this mm. The more you focus on the mm, the more your emptiness grows because you're not generating any life joy and connection within yourself. Then more empty you feel inside, the more then you fill up that hole (or try to fill up the hole--it doesn't really work) with the mm and the fantasy of the mm. I say "fantasy" because you're attached in both ways. You are attached to the mm, and you are attached (as the single affair partners often are) to the FANTASY of the future with the mm.

The more you think of him, the emptier you become inside. The emptier you become inside, the more you think of mm. Not all that different from a drug addict who becomes weaker and weaker the more they use, and who then uses more and more because they have weakened themselves.

You may also benefit from a support group of people in bad relationships. 

Given the suffocating, depleting, demoralizing hole you have climbed into, yes, your reactions become unhinged, because the situation of being attached and in love with a mm weakens requires you to be unhinged and delusional and secretive and cunning and all of that. So yes your moral strength is now compromised. But it's a good sign that you recognized the horrible place you have landed at.