How do I overcome the complications of dating and avoid drama?

[Gaeta]

On 9/21/2023 at 5:12 AM, Lamron300 said:

I don't ask for peoples numbers on OLD anymore as in the past my phone ended up with people who ghosted, sometimes within a couple of hours of exchanging numbers. I don't just want anyone on my phone/social media. I also didn't ask her out first as I am now trying to speak to people a bit longer, see if I am excited about their personality and then ask them out

To me that's a very feminine way to handle dating. Not many women will volunteer their number, we have been conditioned for centuries that the man leads in the dating world. I have met over 200 men for coffee in my few years online dating, that means 200+ men out there have my phone number, and I am a woman. If someone lacked respect, ignored me, I would use the block option on my phone. Women are the vulnerable ones online, we take a chance with our security each time we give our number and each time we go out meeting a stranger. You can understand that ? Very often men I got in contact with would understand the risk women are facing online so they'd give me their number and tell me it's ok if I blocked my ID when calling them. So once again I am asking you to not only think of yourself and to understand what women have to deal with online. You're not the vulnerable one, women are. 

 

[Lamron300]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You can understand that ? Very often men I got in contact with would understand the risk women are facing online so they'd give me their number and tell me it's ok if I blocked my ID when calling them. So once again I am asking you to not only think of yourself and to understand what women have to deal with online. You're not the vulnerable one, women are. 

 

Everyone I’m currently talking to has given their number without me asking. It is sometimes because they want to send a photo of something and no option on the app or just because the app is a bit chaotic. I wouldn’t mind speaking purely on the app till meet and then exchange numbers after date. 

[Gaeta]

37 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Everyone I’m currently talking to has given their number without me asking

It's simply my humble opinion as a woman but I have lots of dating experience. If you sit online and only engaging with women giving out their numbers first then you are dealing with a certain type of women. The type that dates aggressively, that give their number around easily and that ghost and block easily. 

Your attitude dictate who you attract. 

 

[Lamron300]

22 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You need to add an organic component into your dating.   You said you like martial arts.  Can you find a dojo that is co-ed?   If the nightclub scene isn't your thing, what about a more low key local pub?   What about around where you work?  Who's in the elevator?  Who do you see regularly when you are getting lunch?  Can you attend a continuing education event or a conference?   Try volunteering somewhere doing something you care about. 

 

When you find somebody with whom you click who likes you back, stop looking.  If that one woman is baking you a birthday cake why aren't you simply dating her?   If you don't like her enough to commit, cut her lose because she's into you & the longer you drag this out the more you will hurt her.  

I work for myself and on my own, therefore, work isn't a way to meet people for me, unfortunately. Volunteering is a good idea. I need to get out of the house more. Clubbing I meet people when I go, but I'm starting to become intolerant to alcohol and I can't be in a club without 1 or 2 drinks as it just feels weird to me. Online dating is my biggest problem. I am not unsympathetic, but I seem to meet a lot of people with substantial baggage. The girl who baked the cake is great, have nice times when hanging out, but seems to be consumed by her issues which I think is putting me off overall. She lives 5 minutes drive from my house, which would be otherwise perfect. 

The woman I think I do like I haven't gone on a date yet, date is booked for this time next week. 

I need to foster a mentality where I don't care so much. If a date doesn't work out, it isn't the end of the world. The problem is when you rely on online dating, based on the algorithms, if you pay for the app or not etc, it can be a long time between good matches.

[d0nnivain]

If you are self employed you can still meet people through work.  Attend a chamber of commerce meeting.  Go to industry events.  Join an Entreprenurial group  like  a business card exchange, a lead generation group like BNI, or get into a mastermind group.  

I met my husband at a business card exchange.   

[Lamron300]

On 9/21/2023 at 4:25 PM, NuevoYorko said:

I am not understanding your goal in all of this dating.  Are you looking for something or someone, or mainly wanting to do a "numbers game" specifically to get a high number of various women on a dating rotation?

It seems pretty clear that you are not looking for or willing to move in a direction with anyone.  Dating someone 5 times and still dating a lot of different people spells that out plainly.  By 5 dates you probably know if there is further potential with a woman or not.  

Dating a bunch of women to "avoid the disappointment of dating" does not make good sense.  I get that you probably are trying to avoid getting attached or getting your hopes up, but then what's the point?  Just to hang around with women you don't really know or have much interest in to fill your spare time?  Seriously asking here.

If your goal is just to casually date as many women as you can,  I guess you're succeeding at it.  

I am looking for someone, the problem is I am exclusively using online dating. On online dating it feels like you can go on 100s of dates before finding someone compatible. 

I've just turned 30 so what I'm looking for is very particular, although no asking for a lot. In business, if I don't win a client, I always feel like 'okay' there is a next one. If I could feel like that in dating, if things don't work out, I would feel a lot better.

With online dating sometimes I feel like giving up. 

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, Lamron300 said:

In business, if I don't win a client, I always feel like 'okay' there is a next one. If I could feel like that in dating, if things don't work out, I would feel a lot better.

Yes, it’s the same. Why don’t you feel like that in dating?

[Lamron300]

On 9/23/2023 at 12:33 PM, d0nnivain said:

If you are self employed you can still meet people through work.  Attend a chamber of commerce meeting.  Go to industry events.  Join an Entreprenurial group  like  a business card exchange, a lead generation group like BNI, or get into a mastermind group.  

I met my husband at a business card exchange.   

I love this outside the box thinking, I am all up for it. My main problem with dating is online dating. I think it is why I was in my previous relationship longer than I should have been. I couldn't stand the thought of going back online.

If I can find more social activities in my area, I could possibly meet people organically. My brain has been conditioned to online dating since 2013. If I meet someone in person nowadays, I don't really often know what to say. The benefit of online dating is you can assume someones intention is to date, however, if you see a beautiful shopkeeper or someone in the gym, they might just want to get on with there day unbothered. 

My overthinking is impacting me big time. Here is the perfect example. I am supposed to go on a date this Saturday. I know my date is on holiday and messages are getting delivered once every four hours due to poor signal (on her end), however, I haven't heard from her since Friday. With online dating, I know people are flakey, so I think ooh maybe it isn't the signal and she is just ignoring now for whatever reason. Then the cycle of talking/trying to meet lots of people so something like this doesn't bother me begins and goes on and on.

[Lamron300]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes, it’s the same. Why don’t you feel like that in dating?

Because of online dating. I feel even though I'm currently speaking to a few people, Its an up and down cycle. To get results you need to spend quite a few hours on the app everyday. What I mean is in the evenings you need to swipe for maybe 2 hours (on profiles who have been active that day, paid feature). You then need to start convos with people who may or not reply. It gets tiresome. I come back from work tired and thats the last thing I want to do. The 'plenty more fish in the sea' is hard work to come by. 

How do you meet suitable dates around a busy work schedule, organically? 

 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I know my date is on holiday and messages are getting delivered once every four hours due to poor signal

You need to give yourself some guiding lines here. 

1. Talk to people that can meet within a few days.

2. If they are away on Holidays or business trip then tell them to send you a message once they're back and forget about them. No back and forth while they're out of town so no building expectation for days and weeks. 

3. Meet women with lots of pictures and full body pictures.

4. Be a gentleman but don't put any hope in someone you have not met yet. 

5. It's a numbers game, you can meet right away like I know a lady her husband was the 3rd man she ever met online, and as for me I met about 75 men in a year before meeting my boyfriend. People put a lot of value in meeting in real life but these people have usually been married several years and don't know what it is to be single nowadays. 75% of singles are online, you cannot not be there. Every man that approached me in real life were not compatible with me on aspects I would have eliminated them during an online first conversation. Online has its convenience. 

Finally, if you date too many women at the same time you will never connect with one of them. You need to give your attention to these ladies one at a time. In the online dating world, going on a 3rd date is significant. All women know if a man invites you on a 4th date it's that he's interested so don't mislead women with dragging and dragging it because your attention is diluted left and right so you can't make a good judgement call early. 

 

[Weezy1973]

52 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Because of online dating.

It’s not because of online dating. It’s a mindset. If something doesn’t work out with one woman (which will be the norm for online dating), there really are more women out there. Here’s what worked for me - and I’m now married to someone I met through online dating:

1. Get profiles on multiple sites / apps. I was on 5. 4 we’re free and 1 was paid.

2. You want to average about 3 dates a week. And at least one of those should be a first date with someone.

3. If you’re looking for something long term, don’t waste time on people that aren’t compatible. 

4. After 3 dates with someone you have to figure out if you want to move to exclusivity with this person. If you’re not sure, it’s a next. 
 

The core understanding here is that most people you meet won’t be compatible, so you need to meet a lot of people. Also, a big thing to learn, attraction is not correlated at all to compatibility. More time an emotional energy has been wasted in dating trying to make something work because of attraction with no compatibility than anything else. Don’t fall in that trap.

[d0nnivain]

On line dating sucks.  I did it for 90 days 18 years ago.  I can't imagine ever trying it again.   I met so many broken people & couldn't handle the rejection after rejection I endured.  It was a shock to me because dating IRL had always come so easy to me.  My OLD experiment really messed with my head & almost destroyed my confidence.  It was horrible.  

You don't necessarily have to go to in person singles mixers to find somebody.  You never know who you will meet where.  Every place you go has possibilities.  Just smile & say hi.  Don't be pushy. 

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

 

1. Get profiles on multiple sites / apps. I was on 5. 4 we’re free and 1 was paid.

2. You want to average about 3 dates a week. And at least one of those should be a first date with someone.

3. If you’re looking for something long term, don’t waste time on people that aren’t compatible. 

4. After 3 dates with someone you have to figure out if you want to move to exclusivity with this person. If you’re not sure, it’s a next. 
 

That’s a good point. I’m only really using 1 app. I should try multiple. Although, I have tried other apps which have been low quality (lots of bot profiles, adverts etc).

It is hard to set up one date in a week, let alone 3 logistically! Although I did go on three last week, although only one was a first date. Also as I said, getting matches depends on the time you put into it. I’ve probably spent 30 minutes on app today. 
 

Very interesting what you said about incompatibility. For example, I don’t care if someone is a vegetarian.. but I’m not, might that cause problems down the line. Hasn’t before. I want to have kids but it’s not me who is going to go into Labour, I don’t want to rush, but at same time some people I’m speaking to are 34/35 and I’m 30. 
 

How do you have the exclusivity talk? I know people I’m dating still have the app on their phone, don’t know if they use it. 

[Lamron300]

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

On line dating sucks.  I did it for 90 days 18 years ago.  I can't imagine ever trying it again.   I met so many broken people & couldn't handle the rejection after rejection I endured.  It was a shock to me because dating IRL had always come so easy to me.  My OLD experiment really messed with my head & almost destroyed my confidence.  It was horrible.  

You don't necessarily have to go to in person singles mixers to find somebody.  You never know who you will meet where.  Every place you go has possibilities.  Just smile & say hi.  Don't be pushy. 

This is how I am feeling but I can’t work it out. Do I be positive as I’m getting dates/interactions or negative as they don’t to anywhere a lot of the time (sometimes mutually, sometimes not). I’m trying to think what has happened between my first post here at 25/26 and now at 30. Obviously I was in a relationship for 2.5 years but that was never going to work from the start due to incompatibility on goals/lifestyle.

I am going to still give online a go but try real life events too. 
 

People say enjoy your life first and then be in a position to date. I’m not sure what I’m not enjoying, I think running businesses stresses me out and I feel dating should be a relief, but it isn’t. I overthink way more than I used to. Something not working out isn’t the end of the world, but because I don’t like online dating anyway, a setback feels bigger than it is. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

, I have tried other apps which have been low quality (lots of bot profiles, adverts etc)

OLD is a fact of life now. Of course you can still meet people in real life, but OLD is a good way. 

Since you claim you are "particular", try getting a good profile and pics on quality Paid apps. They tend to have more serious daters and at least they need a credit card. Some now require proof of ID.

And since you are particular, paid apps may offer better screening and matching tools, such as personality, goals, habits, location and other characteristics.

It's not a guarantee, but it could offer you a higher quality group to choose from as well as less burnout from sifting through too many haystacks.

 

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

OLD is a fact of life now. Of course you can still meet people in real life, but OLD is a good way. 

Since you claim you are "particular", try getting a good profile and pics on quality Paid apps. They tend to have more serious daters and at least they need a credit card. Some now require proof of ID.

And since you are particular, paid apps may offer better screening and matching tools, such as personality, goals, habits, location and other characteristics.

It's not a guarantee, but it could offer you a higher quality group to choose from as well as less burnout from sifting through too many haystacks.

 

When I say particular, I want someone who wants kids in the future, keeps themselves in good shape and works hard. Not ground breaking stuff. 
 

The app I currently use you can filter a lot of characteristics such as open to kids, age, religion etc etc. I may supplement it with another app. 
 

A girl I went on a first date with on Wednesday just messaged me saying she isn’t looking to date anybody anymore but wants to stay in touch. She said if I don’t reply to the message she will take it as I don’t want to stay in touch. I’m not looking for friends and I’m not upset about it, as I am aware dating is a numbers game. I know she has been divorced before, but I think this was a while back. How do you filter out such people. She seemed to know what she wanted last week, but today suddenly changes. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

How do you have the exclusivity talk?

If you’ve been on a few dates with someone and you want to be exclusive, ask them to be exclusive. It’s really just that simple.

[basil67]

37 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

A girl I went on a first date with on Wednesday just messaged me saying she isn’t looking to date anybody anymore but wants to stay in touch. She said if I don’t reply to the message she will take it as I don’t want to stay in touch. I’m not looking for friends and I’m not upset about it, as I am aware dating is a numbers game. I know she has been divorced before, but I think this was a while back. How do you filter out such people. She seemed to know what she wanted last week, but today suddenly changes. 

I suspect that she met you wanting to find romance, but she didn't find a connection and was feeling burned out and is taking a break.   However, if the two of you had found an amazing connection, I bet she would have been keen to date you and have a relationship.  But you can't filter for this stuff and you need to allow for people burning out

Have you tried Bumble?   Take a break from all the approaching and wait for a woman who's interested in you do the reaching out.

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

It is hard to set up one date in a week

Why is it hard to set up one date in a week?  

[d0nnivain]

58 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

When I say particular, I want someone who wants kids in the future, keeps themselves in good shape and works hard. Not ground breaking stuff. 

It kinda is.  Especially with free apps, the people you meet aren't serious & want to have fun.  They have nothing invested so it doesn't matter if they blow people off or flake.  

[Lamron300]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I suspect that she met you wanting to find romance, but she didn't find a connection and was feeling burned out and is taking a break.   However, if the two of you had found an amazing connection, I bet she would have been keen to date you and have a relationship.  But you can't filter for this stuff and you need to allow for people burning out

Have you tried Bumble?   Take a break from all the approaching and wait for a woman who's interested in you do the reaching out.

Why is it hard to set up one date in a week?  

Perhaps. To be honest, she didn’t look like her pictures and I suspected depending on how long ago the divorce was, she wasn’t ready to date. She’s only just moved back in to her parents house. We hadn’t spoken for two days and she messaged out of the blue tonight saying ‘ I can’t believe we stopped talking, it wasn’t intentional! And then said she is not looking to date anyone and wants to keep in touch with me and gave me an ultimatum to respond saying yes or no lol. I’m not annoyed, just want to keep arranging dates.

I tried bumble in the past but didn’t really work. People would start convo just to stop it from timing out but not say anything else. It’s good in concept but not many women like to approach first. 
 

If my date goes badly on Saturday or doesn’t go ahead I may be a tad upset…

One date a week is hard as you need to get suitable matches and then talk a bit and then arrange a date within short space of time. 

 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

To be honest, she didn’t look like her pictures and I suspected depending on how long ago the divorce was, she wasn’t ready to date.

Yeah, it's a lot of this going on too.  People get turned off when you don't look like the picture posted and feel it's a waste of their time.

[Goodguy05]

Easy don't date lol 

[Versacehottie]

8 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

The core understanding here is that most people you meet won’t be compatible, so you need to meet a lot of people. Also, a big thing to learn, attraction is not correlated at all to compatibility.

This is gold^^^^ (a lot of the advice you've been given is so good, even if it varies from one piece to the other).  Here's a common theme though...you need to learn to let things roll off your back. You are pretty fatalistic and trying to control or AVOID disappointment when you cannot control other people, only can control yourself. So just to be really basic here with you...what would a smart person do if he/she couldn't control one variable, ie what other people will do/decide to do? Control yourself, that's right. Control your reactions, control your expectations, put a plan and routine in place that supplements and supports your goals. IMO, in this case, regarding online dating, it would cover many of the pieces of advice you've been given.

*Date a lot for the numbers game of it all--so you can more quickly get to that "right" person. 

*I'd say the most important thing for you specifically is to ACCEPT that the majority of people you meet are NOT going to be your person. Shift your mindset. It's a constant for you that you've needed to shift your mindset in general.  Another example is if you keep telling yourself you "hate dating/OLD" you will find it pretty miserable. How can you shift your mentality to make each date more enjoyable? It doesn't have to be a love match to be enjoyable. One and done can be enjoyable if only to take a funny story from it or have a friendly conversation. Practice those skills. Realize that each date you go on is taking you one step closer to your person. 

*Deal with your anxiety, overthinking and negativity. (sorry, I've said this to you before and it seems absolutely the same) Not only does this affect you, your internal life...but I'm gonna guarantee when a good girl comes along, you have a high probability of blowing it with her because if she is worthy, she's not going to be into this stuff. You will not be up to par when you aren't closer to your best self. Dating is not just a "search". If you are not a good 'product/dateable person", you can search all you like but it's not likely to go well when you find the one you want. I maintain that you still need some therapy.

*keep trying to expand your social circle, social activities, things you do for fun. It's all a place to meet people of all sorts--friends AND possible dates. I say this all the time but a new guy friend could actually turn out to be the thing that "links" you to the woman you ultimately end up with. So expanding your social circle is not just "nice-to-have" or auxiliary or when you get around to it,--every day you aren't doing it, is a missed opportunity for an organic connection with a like-minded person. Obviously, you have to be online but still a lot of the best matches come from people's REAL lives...so you should do that for sure! Also did you know that women typically are more attracted to a guy who has friends/a social life? In a way, you keep repeating the same mistake--sort of treating your OLD like a shopping expedition and not improving your OVERALL life in general.  Then you are sort of surprised that the quality of your life hasn't improved and that you are not more magnetic.  Well...you need to do some of these things. I don't want to hear your excuses. They might be real but you harp on them a lot. Also you are GREAT at coming up with excuses--really not a good trait, if I'm being honest. (sorry some tough love!)

*here's a thing good salesmen think: every NO is a step closer to THE yes! How does someone keep going in the face of what feels like rejection and disappointment. This thinking is the embodiment of having a positive outlook or spin on "it's a numbers game". Much like a salesperson understands that if he/she keeps going eventually the tide will turn or they will bump into the right person.

*Lastly, time is going to pass anyway. Even if you do find the perfect girlfriend in a relatively short amount of time. I sort of think you are in a critical state to figure out (with or without a partner), how to get more (any?) happiness out of life. You need to figure out how to access this part within yourself by how you conduct your day to day, the thought patterns you have, you social support network, etc. 

*As far as getting more comfortable with everything..try this below (it's great advice) and you'd do better if you opened up a bit. I know you walk your dog. Do you say hi to people you pass? Make a little small talk? Basically it's stuff like this that is the building blocks of better social connection with anyone, everyone and eventually will pay dividends for your dating life as well. (by eventually, it doesn't even necessarily mean DISTANT future, it could happen rapidly as well). 

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Every place you go has possibilities.  Just smile & say hi.  Don't be pushy. 

 

[Gaeta]

15 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

How do you filter out such people.

Do not waste your time with these women. She's bored and is looking for a text buddy. When you meet someone genuine and serious all those women you kept as 'text buddy' will make a bad impression on that one woman you want to be with. Keeping women entertained on text will also deviate you from your goal which is finding a life partner. 

[Lamron300]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Do not waste your time with these women. She's bored and is looking for a text buddy. When you meet someone genuine and serious all those women you kept as 'text buddy' will make a bad impression on that one woman you want to be with. Keeping women entertained on text will also deviate you from your goal which is finding a life partner. 

If I knew certain things about her before the date I wouldn’t have agreed to it. I respect her coming to the conclusion she doesn’t want to date anyone anymore, but to give me an ultimatum is a bit weird. I specifically told her when we first started talking what I was looking for.