How to approach conversation about moving in together with GF?

[JEG88]

I think my GF has been dropping hints about moving in together in the near future, but wanted to get outside perspectives if I'm reading too much into things.

We're early 30s with busy careers, been together almost 7 months now. We had some good discussions recently about a period of disconnect where she was busy with a bunch of things, and came to a good resolution. We spend roughly 3 nights a week together, usually Friday/Saturday and one weeknight. I feel things are in a good place for us to think about taking that next step.

Within the past week, she has: mentioned she doesn't like having to cook one-person meals any more, initiated a "hypothetical" conversation about past experiences living with a partner, and how each of us sees an ideal living situation in the future as far as bills/chores/time together/etc., and given me a permanent parking pass to her condo complex. In the past, she also mentioned off hand that she has considered renting out her condo and finding a different place to live.

Thing is, she owns her condo and I rent an apartment. Logistically, if we were to move in together, it seems the easiest would be that I move into her place as a sort of test to see how things go. (Even though for me, I would probably still feel like a long-term guest rather than an equal partner in that situation.) Obviously, we would have the conversations about how we want to actually split rent/bills/etc., and expectations around time and other small, mundane things.

But would appreciate any advice on how to approach the conversation to see if she is as serious as her recent comments seem to indicate.

[introverted1]

58 minutes ago, JEG88 said:

been together almost 7 months now.

Personally, I think it's too soon to make plans to live together.  I'd suggest revisiting this after the one-year mark, at the soonest.

 

58 minutes ago, JEG88 said:

it seems the easiest would be that I move into her place as a sort of test to see how things go.

As for this, I think that when the time comes, you should figure out how to start out in a neutral location.  You are correct that you will feel like an extended stay visitor if you move into her place. Perhaps she can find a tenant and the two of you move into a shared space of your own. 

[shellzbellz83]

I personally think you may be reading too much into her comments, but I think you should just ask the question (i.e., "You've made a few comments lately that have me wondering where you are on the possibility of moving in together. Can we discuss?"). If you aren't comfortable asking, it's definitely way too soon to be thinking about cohabitation.

[Lubecke]

I say just ask her first what she means by those comments so it’s out in the open and have a clear cut discussion of what that will look like between you two. 
 

I agree with others I would wait for the year mark but If you feel the dynamic is there for moving in together then go for it 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, JEG88 said:

 she owns her condo and I rent an apartment. Logistically, if we were to move in together, it seems the easiest would be that I move into her place as a sort of test to see how things go. Even though for me, I would probably still feel like a long-term guest rather than an equal partner 

Take your time. You're absolutely right that you would be nothing but a houseguest she can throw out any time.

You won't just "feel" like a guest legally you are just a guest with almost zero rights. You're certainly not "an equal partner" because you'll just be paying down her mortgage as a tenant.

Being a GFs tenant is a tricky and awful position to be in. It's only 7 months. Get to know each other a bit better. Don't give up your place for a test drive or simple convenience. 

If the relationship is worthwhile, you can always revisit this at a later time.  You really need to know each other better including finances etc.

Just because she's talking about "dinner for one", it's not really a logistical conversation. It sounds more like she wants to get married one day and not be single forever.

Edited September 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

As a general proposition I don't think people should even talk about cohabitating until they have dated for a least a year.  Second, you need to move in because you are madly & passionately in love AND thinking about marriage / or at least a lifetime commitment if you don't believe in marriage.  

 

Next comes the practicalities.  You are right that she shouldn't sell but before you get there. think more about what you want & what you want the cohabitation to look like.  Remember you are going to be helping to pay her mortgage while you get no equity.  

 

Once you are set in what you want, then you can talk about her expectaions.  Specifically talk about what happens if things go wrong.  How fast would she expect you gone after a break up? 

[JEG88]

2 hours ago, shellzbellz83 said:

I personally think you may be reading too much into her comments, but I think you should just ask the question (i.e., "You've made a few comments lately that have me wondering where you are on the possibility of moving in together. Can we discuss?"). If you aren't comfortable asking, it's definitely way too soon to be thinking about cohabitation.

I think the clarification route makes sense, instead of going right into preferences and such. Like finding out if she has a certain timeline, or idea on logistics of finding a neutral apartment/other. The pattern of comments have been slightly out of character which has thrown me off a bit, since we both tend to take things slowly but there is a definite connection/compatibility I haven't felt with anyone else before.

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Personally, I think it's too soon to make plans to live together.  I'd suggest revisiting this after the one-year mark, at the soonest.

As for this, I think that when the time comes, you should figure out how to start out in a neutral location.  You are correct that you will feel like an extended stay visitor if you move into her place. Perhaps she can find a tenant and the two of you move into a shared space of your own. 

Especially with holidays coming up, adding in a potential move in the same timeframe seems impractical with everything going on with our schedules. Also considering that my current lease ends at the end of November, so I wouldn't want that to influence my timing.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Take your time. You're absolutely right that you would be nothing but a houseguest she can throw out any time.

You won't just "feel" like a guest legally you are just a guest with almost zero rights. You're certainly not "an equal partner" because you'll just be paying down her mortgage as a tenant.

Being a GFs tenant is a tricky and awful position to be in. It's only 7 months. Get to know each other a bit better. Don't give up your place for a test drive or simple convenience. 

If the relationship is worthwhile, you can always revisit this at a later time.  You really need to know each other better including finances etc.

Just because she's talking about "dinner for one", it's not really a logistical conversation. It sounds more like she wants to get married one day and not be single forever.

As mentioned, with holidays coming up it might be time better spent getting to know her family dynamic a bit more, and vice versa. Rather than throwing a potential move into the mix with schedules filled with family events, work events, etc.

 

[Gaeta]

She means nothing by that, it sucks cooking for one l agree. 

It's way too early to talk about moving in together. If you love each other than take the cautious route and date another year.

In the following year spend more nights together. Spend a week at her place, then her at your place, do that often like each month and experience what a regular routine feels like with her. 

You can ask her how she views her future in general. I asked my boyfriend at 8 months dating if he was open to living with someone one day. I did not make the question about me, l made it about life in general. 

[JEG88]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

In the following year spend more nights together. Spend a week at her place, then her at your place, do that often like each month and experience what a regular routine feels like with her. 

You can ask her how she views her future in general. I asked my boyfriend at 8 months dating if he was open to living with someone one day. I did not make the question about me, l made it about life in general. 

I like the idea of extended periods of staying over, since a few nights here and there doesn't really give a sense of the mundane/boring things you go through living with someone. As far as the conversation, I think that should be easy enough given she brought up the hypothetical question in the first place. Would be good to follow up on other questions around it.

[basil67]

I'd open a conversation and see where it leads.  It may be that she's just pondering the idea for the future.  Or she may want to do it soon.  There's no harm in raising the discussion...and remember that if you can't talk about it with her, then that's an answer in itself.

For what it's worth, I moved in with my husband at about the four month mark.  Yes, it was absolutely a risk, but it was a risk I was willing to take because it felt so right.  I also have a whole lot married friends who moved in much earlier than seven months.  To be honest, I'm quite surprised at how many there are.

How risk averse are you?   If things went pear shaped, what's the housing market near you in terms of finding a new place to live?  Is there scarcity of properties or would you find something fairly easily?   

 

[glows]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

As a general proposition I don't think people should even talk about cohabitating until they have dated for a least a year.  Second, you need to move in because you are madly & passionately in love AND thinking about marriage / or at least a lifetime commitment if you don't believe in marriage.  

 

Next comes the practicalities.  You are right that she shouldn't sell but before you get there. think more about what you want & what you want the cohabitation to look like.  Remember you are going to be helping to pay her mortgage while you get no equity.  

 

Once you are set in what you want, then you can talk about her expectaions.  Specifically talk about what happens if things go wrong.  How fast would she expect you gone after a break up? 

Where on earth have you been?! I thought you kicked the bucket. Welcome back

[glows]

Hey OP,

It seems a bit too soon but your instincts are probably correct she’s giving hints she sees a future with you. Generally. 

I wouldn’t move into a partner’s property like this but if you’re considering it discuss a cohabitation agreement and timeline. Don’t let time slip away paying someone else’s mortgage. 

[Els]

Do you feel like you are ready to make this move? I suspect that if you are, you probably wouldn't be making this post.

It's good to talk about future plans, but I don't see her comments as being a concrete indicator of wanting anything like that in the very near future. Definitely open the conversation with her if you feel comfortable doing so, and see how you both align on timelines, choice of habitation, etc.

Re: where to live, I agree that if one of you owns and the other rents, it makes more sense to live with the person who owns. I don't necessarily see it as a problem that she owns the place and you don't. In fairness, you should be paying less to her than you would be to a rental - she shouldn't expect you to contribute 50% to a mortgage that doesn't have your name on it. If you did eventually get married, you would own the property too of course, but if things didn't work out then you would still come out of it having saved some money.

[BaileyB]

Personally, I would say that it’s too soon. But, as you said, if you give up your apartment to move into her condo - the only thing lost if it doesn’t work out is that you will be on the hunt for a new apartment. If you are ok with that risk, then you may decide to consider it. She is obviously hinting at the idea - maybe now, or in the future. You will not know until you have the conversation. 

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Don’t let time slip away paying someone else’s mortgage. 

This is it, you should only agree to move in with a plan for the future… and part of that plan is getting your name on a property, so that you are equally invested in building assets and you won’t set yourself back financially if you live in her place and pay her mortgage/have to get back into the market that just continues to become more unaffordable by the day. It’s ok to move into her condo for a short time to see if you are compatible… but then what? 

Edited September 19, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, JEG88 said:

I like the idea of extended periods of staying over, since a few nights here and there doesn't really give a sense of the mundane/boring things you go through living with someone. 

Do you spend equal amounts of time at your place and her place? 

Be very careful about camping out there "for extended periods".  It's a terrible idea to just hang out  as if her place is free BnB with benefits.

This will Not give you an idea of "mundane things" because of household and finances issues that a houseguest doesn't get involved in.

The real issue? You've only been dating 28 weeks and you seem to be looking for convenience.

The reason you need more of an idea of things is simply that this is too new. Moving in together is Not a test for compatibility. Dating is a test for that. Unfortunately for some reason you're trying to prematurely accelerate this.

Edited September 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Be very careful about camping out there "for extended periods".  It's a terrible idea to just hang out  as if her place is free BnB with benefits.

That's not what l was suggesthing. If he spends a week there he comes with groceries and he participates to the chores. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Way too early to think about this. What, seven months in, you still don't really know your partner. There are lots of folks who can fake it (fake their own happiness, control their own presentation to you) for six months, seven months, longer. In fact, it's a red flag to me that she brought this move-in idea up so early. What, is she struggling to function on her own? That's a red flag.

Tired of cooking meals for one? Nonsense. She can cook for neighbors if that makes her feel better. She can cook and go out into a struggling area and give to homeless people. I'm being a bit funny here, but only to poke a hole in this illogical statement. BTW: single people can get cook at cooking larger meals and storing and freezing some for later. Plus, what's the deal? She's lonely, even though she has you. Lonely even though you guys spend 3 days together? Every part of her desire to move in this early--every part!--is a red flag to me.

So step up. You wouldn't be writing here if you didn't also feel like something wasn't quite right about her broaching this subject so soon.

I'm guessing that you aren't being open and honest and direct with her (you're being too passive) because you were afraid to say, "Uh, look, I don't want to discuss this now. I have no interest in moving in with you soon." You really do want to push back kinda hard with her. Because even if you do the well can we come back to this at the one-year mark?--even if you do that, she has set the agenda. You're playing by her expectations. You need to break that out of her--show that you aren't going to play by her expectations. What I'm politely saying here is that your gf is quite manipulative. 

A woman who was really less manipulative and who was respectful of your desires would add the caveat or qualification that "Hey, I know this is early, but here's what I'm thinking and here's why." So your gf has shown that she lacks a certain awareness of how ridiculously early 7 months is in a relationship. And she's not thinking of you. She's pressuring you. You want someone who is confident that a relationship can unfold in time. In other words, she's acting clingy and controlling and desperate. 

Sorry I've been hard on gf here. But I think her push and her hints are red flags, major red flags. You don't want to play the game by her rules. You need to risk her wrath and her rejection by telling her, Nope, I'm not even close to moving in. I need to know a partner a lot better. And then do not get in a back and forth because if I'm right about her, she's going to try again to put you on the defensive. She'll say "what do you mean you want to know me better?" If she asks that question to you, then you need to move towards dumping her. 

BTW, you sure you need to see her those 3 days EVERY week? The really confident couples are flexible. They set aside time, but they occasionally just say, "hey, I want to sit home this day and watch tv" and the other says "yeah, I get it." Make sure the 3-day schedule isn't her agenda as well but yours also. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/18/2023 at 1:34 PM, JEG88 said:

 I feel things are in a good place for us to think about taking that next step.

You're already spending a great deal of time there. Maybe too much already. . She has not invited you to move in, she merely made a few random comments here and there.You can't really invite yourself to move in. 

Nothing she mentioned remotely sounds like an invitation or even suggestion about moving in. All she mentioned was maybe in the Future, she could see herself renting the place out one day..If things work out. Please take your foot off the gas and renew your lease in Nov.

[ShyViolet]

It's not smart to be thinking about moving in together at only 7 months.  Wait until the one-year mark to even bring up the conversation.

[Alpacalia]

Do you think her reasons for moving in together would be practical (i.e., convenience and saving money) or emotional (i.e., wanting to take the next step in the relationship)?

Like, honey, I want to move in with you because I don't like having to cook meals for just myself, and it would save us both money on rent and bills. 

Sure, it's practical but it doesn't necessarily mean she's ready to take the next step in the relationship.

[smackie9]

Way too early and doing it for the wrong reasons...financially, cooking for one, logistics, convenience. Those are reasons to get a roommate. At 7 months you can't possibly know them enough. A year and a half, 2 years with plans to put a ring on her finger? Yes.