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How do I (29f) tell my mom (58f) who hates my fiancé (30m) that we got engaged?

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TLDR: my mom hates my now fiancé due to her personal grievance but she says I am blind to his shortcomings. I cannot bring him up without her exploding at me


Long context: From my perspective, my mom was triggered the second time she met my now fiancé because she was in a bad mood (was ill) and he avoids people who are in bad moods (he was apparently discourteous). I also got in an argument with him in front of her during that trip (about how to pack our bag), plus we had a period of being angry with each other when we were just friends before dating and I had complained to my mom about him back then (I am/was close to my mom). She remembers the anger I had toward him in the past but repackages it, saying that I have now been “tricked” to forgive his “bad behavior”. I tried to explain that I talked it through with him and we have moved on, but she continues to say he “tricked” me. My fiancé offered to talk to her but she refuses.

Her anger has snowballed: she now rants to me that he is unattractive, has a bad temper, is selfish, only dating me because I was convenient, that I am “naïve/blind/addicted/brainwashed”, etc. She uses hurtful language and ignores me when I ask her to stop. She also says I hurt her first by dating someone who “pissed her off” whenever I tell her I am hurt. She then tells me how I never listen to her, don’t consider her opinion, or don’t care about her, all of which is grossly unfair since I do call and talk and feel I have addressed her “concerns”.

I have to unfortunately accept that she dislikes my fiancé. However, I want her to decouple her personal issue with him from my ability to decide that I am happy and that he makes me happy. I am so thrilled to be engaged to my best friend but I feel like I cannot even tell my dad the happy news because he is trying to be “neutral” and I don’t want to force him to keep a secret from her. I love my parents and miss how close we use to be. I know she loves me too but she is currently consumed by anger. How can I tell her any good news concerning my partner?

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Your mother is certainly passionate with her opinions! But I too, would be concerned about you marrying him if you were my daughter or best friend.

What do you expect your marriage to this man to be like if he can't cope with someone getting the grumps?  When you get the grumps about something.  When your kids get the grumps.  Heaven forbid a teenager who has teenage moods!   This guy's reactions are so unmanageable that he couldn't let your sick mother's grumpy mood pass on only the second time he met her.  If this is him on his best behaviour, I'd hate to see him at his worst.

People can and do get grumpy.  I predict you will be walking on eggshells in your marriage lest someone upset him

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4 hours ago, eevee777 said:

 I feel like I cannot even tell my dad the happy news because he is trying to be “neutral” and I don’t want to force him to keep a secret 

How long have you been dating? Has your father and the rest of your family met him? Do you live at home or do you live with your BF

How was your relationship with your mother before you started dating him? 

Are your parents concerned that he is abusive or has anger problems? 

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You are an adult and as such, you make the decisions in your own life. You can just tell your mother that you are engaged to be married…

She does not have to agree with your decision. And honestly, I think the fact that she doesn’t should give you pause to reconsider. She is perhaps not going about it the right way, but I believe that she may have a good point that you, as an adult, should consider. 

If I may, your post reads a little like a child’s tantrum - my mother just doesn’t understand, and I’m going to do what I want to do regardless… you can expect that your mother is going to have a problem wit my this. I have a feeling that someday, you will understand more where she is coming from… just not today. 

Good luck.

Edited by BaileyB
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So he avoided your mother because she wasn't in good mood rather than trying to be nice to her and making her feel better.

Then he berated you in front her for the way you pack a bag.

Honestly, she may have a point about him.

She's going about getting her point across in completely the wrong way and she could be more respectful about it, but he doesn't exactly send out good vibes.

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