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My boyfriend is meeting a girl he met on a dating app for drinks tonight

Yellowrose91

By Yellowrose91,
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Yellowrose91

Yellowrose91

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I’m seeking some advice about this situation. My boyfriend is lovely. We met on a dating app a few months back. He’s from a different country, and although he is sociable and friendly he doesn’t have many friends here, just a few.

I was speaking to him on the phone yesterday. He told me he will be meeting an ‘acquaintance’. I asked for more information about who it was as, and he told me it was a girl he’d met on a dating app in February(he met me in March and has since deleted his app). He’d never mentioned her before this. He said she is about his age and an athlete. Apparently, when they went out (before he met me) they weren’t each other’s type, they only see eachother as friends, and now he will go out with her shortly one on one, to get a drink and ‘have a chat’.

He called me tonight , and I expressed how disappointed I was. He said that they have a platonic relationship and he told me I’m being jealous. He said that he is still going, and was going to show off about me to her but now will keep any comments about me short. He said I’m so out of order, and that his male friend once shared a bed with a girl and his girlfriend didn’t mind. Our conversation ended terribly with me getting quite frustrated.

Is this ok in a relationship? Any input is appreciated

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stillafool

stillafool

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Posted (edited)

Oh my.  I don't think you are over reacting at all. I wonder how he would feel

If it were you doing this with some guy.  So is he now saying they are friends and will continue to see each other?  

Edited by stillafool
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ExpatInItaly

ExpatInItaly

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16 minutes ago, Yellowrose91 said:

He said that they have a platonic relationship and he told me I’m being jealous. He said that he is still going, and was going to show off about me to her but now will keep any comments about me short. He said I’m so out of order, and that his male friend once shared a bed with a girl and his girlfriend didn’t mind.

Oh, HALE no. 

His reaction is punitive and manipulative. Leave him to his new friend. He sounds like a jerk. 

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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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1 hour ago, Yellowrose91 said:

 We met on a dating app a few months back. He’s from a different country. he told me it was a girl he’d met on a dating app in February.

Unfortunately you two seem to be having 2 different relationships. He seems to still be looking for matches and you seem to think you're in a committed relationship. Perhaps there's a language or cultural difference? Are his parents trying to arrange a marriage for him? Is this the same man?:

 

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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You mean your EX-BF? I'd be done if someone I was dating was so daft as to think this is OK.  

He' s not lovely.  This is so uncool.  If she was just a friend & this was about expanding social circles because he's a foreigner, you would be welcome to join them.   If she was long time friend, like a school chum who had been in his life for years before he started dating you,  that would be OK IMO, but not everybody shares my view.  But this . . going out one on one with somebody you know from a dating app. . . NO! 

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S2B

S2B

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He isn’t considering how his actions affect you and how you feel.

he is NOT lovely!!! He’s a jerk who intends to hurt you!

why would you continue at all with someone that has those terrible traits?

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Alvi

Alvi

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OP, the only woman that he should be meeting for anything is you. You should end the relationship, pronto, if he doesn't understand this concept. 

P.S. What is so lovely about this guy. He sounds like a very immature tool to me.

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

What if this was a college friend?  Remove how they met… how eoukd you react?

IMO if the person was a true friend from long ago, I'd be OK with it.  

A few weeks ago I had dinner with a guy I knew in HS, 30+ years ago.  I asked DH if he wanted tag along.  He said no.  The other guy & I had a nice meal, reminisced, shared an umbrella back to our cars in a downpour & went our separate ways.   Difference is I included my SO, who voluntarily bowed out.  Here the OP wasn't invited which is what makes this troublesome 

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ShyViolet

ShyViolet

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Is he really that dense and tone-deaf that he thinks it's ok to go on a "date" with a girl he met on a dating app shortly before meeting you, or is he just gaslighting you?  I hate to use the word "gaslighting" but I think it really applies here.

You need to DUMP this guy.  He is not mature, considerate or respectful enough to be in a relationship.  

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mark clemson

mark clemson

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Posted (edited)
21 hours ago, Yellowrose91 said:

Is this ok in a relationship? Any input is appreciated

Not having read the past post linked above, I'll state this: 

Relationships are not all the same. IF you have reason to trust that your BF is being fully honest and this woman is genuinely only a platonic friend, then I think there are many folks who would in fact be ok with this happening, particularly if it's once or very occasionally. Partners should be allowed to have friends.

If you think/strongly suspect he's not being straightforward and there is something more - that this is cheating or the start of developing a romantic relationship, then you're certainly "within bounds" to forbid it. However, "forbidding" really only entails an implied threat to leave the relationship or perhaps "scold" him severely over it?

It is worth noting that if he didn't want you to know this was happening, he didn't have to tell you about it. You are now, in part, teaching him that there is a "price to pay" for being fully honest with you in your relationship.

Do you trust him, or no? Not that I'm suggesting you break up, but if you really don't trust him to not cheat, how valuable is the relationship?

You have only been going out a few months, so I can see how him not having his attention fully focused on you (at this early stage where things should be very "lovey-dovey") is a yellow flag generally. If things were more solidified between you, perhaps you'd be more able to trust him, dunno.

Edited by mark clemson
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ShyViolet

ShyViolet

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Posted
21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Is this the same man?:

 

OP, I didn't realize you were the same person who posted those several previous threads about this guy.  Are you kidding?

This relationship has a lot of problems and you have chosen to completely ignore all the good advice that many people have given you here.  It's unbelievable that you're still with this guy.

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Alpacalia

Alpacalia

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Part of the issue, as I see it, is someone that he met on a dating app before you met and who is still in his life. It sounds like he has not been honest with you about this or made it clear that he is keeping in contact with her.

Usually when you've been in a committed relationship with someone for any reasonable amount of time you feel comfortable disclosing interactions with people of the opposite sex.

Meaning, if they were friends, which he's perfectly in his right to have friends, then why was it hidden from you?

To add, simply going out for a drink can be innocent enough, however someone else being invited into a relationship means they come with the possibility of stirring up all sorts of emotion. It’s understandable why you may be feeling apprehensive.

I wouldn't appreciate a partner to compare me to another with things such as, his mate sharing a bed with another girl and his girlfriend didn't mind. That is not in the same category and that comparison does not serve any purpose or represent any truth. That has zero to do with his actions and what he's about to do.

Edited by Alpacalia
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MsJayne

MsJayne

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I'd cut him loose. If she was a long-time friend it would be a different story, but, as she's someone he met through a date site shortly before he met you, he's undermining your budding relationship. He's showing you that he's insensitive and he's not valuing your relationship. He's not that lovely. 

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S2B

S2B

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He doesn’t value you.

He isn’t considering how his actions affect you and how you feel.

he is NOT lovely!!! He’s a jerk who intends to hurt you!

why would you continue at all with someone that has those terrible traits?

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NuevoYorko

NuevoYorko

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Yes, the guy is awful.

The whole "meeting the girl from the dating app for a drink" is bad enough. 

But the gaslighting about it is even worse.  He was "going to" talk about you with her but now he won't because you're "jealous"?  And bringing up the male friend and bed sharing?

The man is an absolute bottom feeder.  And I thought you already realized that back in June when you posted the other gems about his behavior.

Please please please take out the trash in your life and don't bring it back inside.

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heavenonearth

heavenonearth

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On 9/14/2023 at 9:19 PM, Yellowrose91 said:

I’m seeking some advice about this situation. My boyfriend is lovely. We met on a dating app a few months back. He’s from a different country, and although he is sociable and friendly he doesn’t have many friends here, just a few.

I was speaking to him on the phone yesterday. He told me he will be meeting an ‘acquaintance’. I asked for more information about who it was as, and he told me it was a girl he’d met on a dating app in February(he met me in March and has since deleted his app). He’d never mentioned her before this. He said she is about his age and an athlete. Apparently, when they went out (before he met me) they weren’t each other’s type, they only see eachother as friends, and now he will go out with her shortly one on one, to get a drink and ‘have a chat’.

He called me tonight , and I expressed how disappointed I was. He said that they have a platonic relationship and he told me I’m being jealous. He said that he is still going, and was going to show off about me to her but now will keep any comments about me short. He said I’m so out of order, and that his male friend once shared a bed with a girl and his girlfriend didn’t mind. Our conversation ended terribly with me getting quite frustrated.

Is this ok in a relationship? Any input is appreciated

 

The first two paragraphs were fine, I didn't think much was wrong with this whole thing. But the way he dismissed your worries is awful, gaslighty and gross.

It's cool to have platonic friends of the same sex if you're in a straight relationship, but it is not cool to be demeaning to your girlfriend. I would not want to long-term date someone who dismissed my feelings like this. 

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NuevoYorko

NuevoYorko

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51 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

 

It's cool to have platonic friends of the same sex if you're in a straight relationship, 

I absolutely agree with this, EXCEPT not a person that he met on a dating app one month prior to meeting the OP.  Developing a "friendship" with a woman from the dating app simultaneously with getting his relationship with the OP underway is ... sleazy.

I would certainly not find it wrong in any way for him to go out for a drink with a woman he was already friends with, but this literally sounds exactly like a date.

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heavenonearth

heavenonearth

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16 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I absolutely agree with this, EXCEPT not a person that he met on a dating app one month prior to meeting the OP.  Developing a "friendship" with a woman from the dating app simultaneously with getting his relationship with the OP underway is ... sleazy.

I would certainly not find it wrong in any way for him to go out for a drink with a woman he was already friends with, but this literally sounds exactly like a date.

I don't know, not really something I would generalize. I met people on dating apps that ended up becoming platonic friends because there was literally no sexual attraction on both sides. So not really something to trivialize. But yes, this guy is an a**h*** for manipulating his girlfriend. So in this example, definitely sleazy.

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