Husband lusting on LinkedIn?

[JJT08]

We have been together for ten years and married for two years with a young child. We have had many arguments throughout our relationship with trust/jealousy issues on my end, and temperament issues mainly on his end. Aside from that, we have a decent marriage and share similar thoughts on raising our child, finances, career goals, etc.... 

There has been no infidelity. I do, however, accuse him of being unfaithful at time which leads to his verbal abuse. His short temperament is never random. We do not do drugs or abuse alcohol. We have both read relationship books, have been in marriage counseling, tried meditation and continue to try to strive towards a great marriage. We also do not have any form of social media besides LinkedIn. I love my husband and he has truly tried to help ease my jealousy issues. He is a great father aside from his frustration at times. He is also extremely intelligent and highly educated.  

I am on here because I went on his LinkedIn (without his knowledge) and found that he recently started "following" an attractive female. I know it is LinkedIn and it is meant to be for "professional networking" etc... please try to see it from my point of view. I suffer from panic attacks during our arguments and have been diagnosed with anxiety/depression (mainly anxiety).  

I found it odd that he only followed 15 people yet was connected to over 1,000. Out of the 15 people he followed, 14 were male and 1 was an elderly female. I thought you must pretty damn amazing for my husband to be following you. Anyway, I confronted him about this, and he told me to "burn in hell ***".

He admitted that he found her attractive and said he thought "it's unfortunate that she was attractive" due to my jealousy issues I suppose. He said that her content/posts are only about professional development. He said her photo did not show skin and that she has great professional content, and that he follows an elderly lady as well as men for professional development advice/content. 

From my point of view, she had a sexy smirk on her face which seems more appealing for men. She advocates for women in the professional world yet to me, she would attract more women with a friendly smile. Instead, I think her popularity is highly due to her profile photo being "seductive" and attracting men. My husband and I both agree that there is a biological component to finding someone attractive/non-attractive. We both agree that lusting is a sin but noticing whether someone is attractive is not. Lusting to us is a form of infidelity. My husband is not a liar, so I decided to ask if he was lusting in any way, and he said no. 

We have spoken about how there are attractive women everywhere. I am not denying this. I told him that it was the fact that he made sure to be constantly exposed to the same attractive photo of this woman by following them. Like many, he has a photo of me and our child on his desk. Why? Because it's a reminder of the people you love, and your brain's chemistry changes when you view a photo them. So, in a way, he wanted to guarantee to be constantly seeing this attractive woman's headshot. My fear is that this could lead to his lusting over this person which is a form of infidelity. To me, he is playing with fire. 

He disagrees and has put his foot down on this issue. He says it is not about the [ ] woman----his words. It is about setting a precedence. He said he follows her for the same reason he follows men with the same content. Also says there are no threats in marriage. 

We have been arguing about this for slightly over a week now. He constantly threatens with divorce even though we have been great the last month and are seeing another marriage counselor. He tells me I am amazing in every other part of our marriage. I struggle to understand how someone so flawed can be so harsh.

This is a scary situation for me given my health issues. I tend to want to believe him about everything in life because I know how intelligent he his. He has been verbally abusive though calling me braindead, brainless, not smart, psycho, crazy etc... this is another reason I am posting this. 

I tell him he lives in a glass house and is cruel to constantly hold divorce over my head. He is flawed in many ways including (recent examples) telling me he is ashamed that our child is his after our child's soccer game only because the entire team did poorly. Again, great father other than the frustrated harsh side of him.

He often treats me like I am an idiot in front of others, which I remember is how he constantly treated his grandmother. He apologized for both of these flaws and supposedly will treat us better. Yesterday he told me I am his best friend and I complete him, today I bring up the LinkedIn woman topic and he hints at divorce. He says there are no threats in marriage.

I still love him, and he has other amazing qualities though. I want the best for our child. 

Please help me with your thoughts, particularly on the LinkedIn issue. 

Thank you.

Edited September 12, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

Your husband sounds terribly abusive  to you and I don't know how you tolerate the way he talks down to you, alone and around other people.  That said, I think you are overacting about the woman's picture.  You said your husband doesn't lie and he had told you he isn't lusting for her.  I think the bigger problem is your marriage and the way your husband talks to you.  How many times have you two been throught marriage counseling?  Have you been throught professional counseling for your jealousy?  It can ruin a marriage.

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, JJT08 said:

He has been verbally abusive though calling me braindead, brainless, not smart, psycho, crazy etc... this is another reason I am posting this. 

Is this verbal abuse in response to your jealousy and accusations?  While I don't condone his behaviour, I can understand it. I'm a very calm person but would probably also lose my s*** over this kind of behaviour too.  And I can understand why he's considering divorce - though I would have left long before it got to the point of being so angry all the time.  You have been creating arguments for a whole week because he follows a woman on LinkedIn.  This is nuts!  

At this point, you need to learn some self control.  Yes, you may have anxiety and jealousy issues, but you need to stop speaking about it.   This is your problem and you need to deal with it yourself without dragging him into it.  If you need support, talk it out with your therapist. 

Lastly, what he says about his son's team was weird and strange.  But start by addressing one thing at a time.  Get yourself under control before you try to address some of his foibles.

Edited September 12, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

Maybe the fact that your husband is verbally abusive has you feeling that you are not so sure you can trust his words when it comes to this particular issue.

That might be a reason why you feel so strongly about the 'LinkedIn woman'. Regardless, it seems like the arguments between you two have been concerning trust issues, jealousy, and temper in the past, so this situation is likely no different. It seems though that the issues go beyond just the 'LinkedIn woman'. With your husband displaying verbally abusive behavior in other instances (ex. Treating you like an idiot in front of others, telling you he's ashamed of your child, etc.), look at the larger issue at hand.

Typically when we feel unsafe in our relationships, our suspicions become heightened about even the smallest of things.

At the same time, it can be exhausting to constantly have to feel like having to defend yourself against accusations of unfaithfulness/lusting. That in itself is considered an emotionally abusive behavior.

He is following a person on social media, he is not lying or cheating and he has proved his loyalty in the past. While it's understandable that the situation might cause insecurities and anxiety on your end, it doesn't mean he is actually doing anything wrong.

If you're both going to choose to continue in this relationship continue with the counseling that you both are receiving or perhaps try doing some individual counseling to discuss the underlying trust, jealousy, and temper issues.

[MsJayne]

You're fixated on the LinkedIn woman because of your insecurity so you need to get a grip on that first. In reality the sexy, attractive professional probably has blackheads and random facial hairs just like any other woman. You're attributing Goddess status to her because of your own low self-esteem. And it's no wonder you have low self-esteem, because, while it's easy to understand your husband's frustration at being accused of infidelity or lusting after other women on a regular basis, there's no excuse for him belittling you and questioning your intelligence or your sanity, or constantly mentioning divorce. That's just outright abusive and promotes your insecurity and fosters your anxiety. If you weren't regularly made to feel like you don't measure up you might not feel so insecure, and if you didn't feel so insecure you might find your jealousy would dissipate. Despite your reassurance that your husband has many great qualities, his abusiveness outranks them all in significance, and he sounds like a misogynistic a*****e to me. His comment about being ashamed to be your son's father because of a soccer game, wow, just wow, what a vile thing to say even if it was couched as a joke. I hope he didn't say it in front of your son. The LinkedIn thing, you need to drop it, it only has oxygen in your imagination. Maybe focus on getting some counselling for your self-esteem issue and support for coping with the ongoing abuse and learning to perceive it as what it is rather than making excuses for your husband's appalling behaviour. 

[JTSW]

Your insecurities are over the top and ruining your marriage.

I think you need to seek individual therapy because your overreactions are very concerning.

You're imagining the worst over Linked-in of all places. You need to stop.

He is hugely frustrated with your behaviour which is understandable.

If you continue with all this ridiculous behaviour you will end up pushing him away for good.

Is that what you want? 

Because that is what you're doing. 

[d0nnivain]

Your jealousy is out of control.   It's ruining your life & your marriage.  Get it addressed so you can calm down.   You are wasting your money on marriage counseling.  You both need IC.  Yours has to address your over the top jealousy & insecurities.  His has to address his anger.  He needs to modulate how he responds to you especially when you are being unreasonable.  

 

You go on & on about this woman's "sexy smirk" but say nothing about her content. If as your husband pointed out she has good information why is it do hard for you to believe that is why he follows her?  You don't trust him.  Unless there has been actual infidelity in his past with you , it's unfair of you to be like this always accusing him & being suspicious.  His response was atrocious but the guy is miserable & constantly having to defend himself against baseless off the wall accusations that have no bearing in reality is grating.   You need to get a meaningful handle on why you constantly do this before you destroy this relationship & every one you try to have.  

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, JJT08 said:

, have been in marriage counseling, tried meditation and continue to try to strive towards a great marriage. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately badgering him about innocuous professional headshots on LinkedIn in and his chronic verbal abuse is not "striving toward a great marriage".

Whatever you two are doing doesn't seem to be working. Please try to find a qualified licensed nonfaith-based therapist to unpack and sort out your jealousy and rage. Privately and confidentiality discuss the verbal abuse. 

[JJT08]

Thank you all for the feedback. I wanted to add that I am also extremely flawed. When I am being verbally abused (due to my accusations of infidelity) I either cry uncontrollably or have a panic attack, but I do not curse back nor insult him, although I do get quite loud while crying/panic attacks. I've learned that if I retaliate as he does, then the argument could escalate, and our size difference is immense. My way of retaliating sometimes involves me threatening with exposing him to his coworkers and family with proof I have gathered throughout the years of his abuse or threaten to expose him to the authorities (instead of coworker/family) to gain custody of our child. Also, I plan to move back to the state where both of our families reside, which he would despise, so our child can be near our families. I know this is abusive on my part. Of course, I regret these threats after I calm down as I do not want to force him to stay with me. It is not an excuse, yet I found that due to our size difference, this is the only way I can protect myself when arguments get out of control.

I am also guilty of not separating BEFORE things get worse. Although I have made some progress in separating before arguments get out of control, he is much better at knowing when to separate. This is advice we have heard over and over again--to go into different rooms to cool off. I am guilty of following him and wanting to "talk it out". I am horrible, I know. I definitely need to improve in this area and maybe he can work on the way he initiates the separation instead of "Get away from me" sometimes "Get the [ ] away from me".

I will also sometimes block him from leaving. I don't mean to throw him under the bus. We can only compare ourselves to who we were, and he has always shown improvement. He has also helped ease my jealousy, encouraged me to complete my education, and has great morals.  I want to work through our issues. I tend to be compassionate knowing that a lot of the verbal abuse can be attributed to his upbringing and drug addicted mother. I hope he can also be more compassionate/empathetic towards my jealousy due to my upbringing. We have a counseling session this week. Thank you again for your thoughts and please know that I am taking them seriously.   

Edited September 13, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, JJT08 said:

Please help me with your thoughts, particularly on the LinkedIn issue.

It doesn't sound like any "lusting" actually occurred beyond what might simply be the normal and completely internal responses of a male mind.

You need help with your insecurities. Your husband needs help with anger management. It's likely a therapist (or perhaps separate individual ones) might be beneficial with these things.

You both need to work on respecting each other more.

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, JJT08 said:

I plan to move back to the state where both of our families reside, which he would despise, so our child can be near our families. 

I will also sometimes block him from leaving

Please speak to an attorney privately and confidentiality for information support and advice in your situation.

Please stop using your child as a weapon. You can not simply kidnap your child and move to wherever you want. 

Blocking him from leaving is physical abuse, btw and he could easily call the police and have you arrested. Please stop and get help.

[stillafool]

Also the loud crying coupled with following him around and blocking him is mental and physical abuse.  I wouldn't be able to handle that and would be gone by now if I were him.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe you should just call it quits.  that is a lot of drama & dysfunction.  

[basil67]

2 hours ago, JJT08 said:

 When I am being verbally abused (due to my accusations of infidelity) 

Here's a thought:  If you stop accusing him of infidelity over ridiculous things such as a LinkedIn contact,  he will stop verbally abusing you.  Problem solved.   

I also think that this: "maybe he can work on the way he initiates the separation instead of "Get away from me" sometimes "Get the [ ] away from me" is unrealistic.  You're accusing him, blocking him, sobbing at him, threatening to take the kids...frankly, his level of response is about right.  If you want to be spoken to in a calm manner, then you need to stop escalating to the point where he loses his s***. 

I really don't think that marriage counselling is quite the right fit for you at present.  Instead, I think you need a referral to a psychiatrist.  When you get your own behaviour under control, then marriage counselling is what you need to help repair the damage

Edited September 13, 2023 by basil67

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, JJT08 said:

Thank you all for the feedback. I wanted to add that I am also extremely flawed. When I am being verbally abused (due to my accusations of infidelity) I either cry uncontrollably or have a panic attack, but I do not curse back nor insult him, although I do get quite loud while crying/panic attacks. I've learned that if I retaliate as he does, then the argument could escalate, and our size difference is immense. My way of retaliating sometimes involves me threatening with exposing him to his coworkers and family with proof I have gathered throughout the years of his abuse or threaten to expose him to the authorities (instead of coworker/family) to gain custody of our child. Also, I plan to move back to the state where both of our families reside, which he would despise, so our child can be near our families. I know this is abusive on my part. Of course, I regret these threats after I calm down as I do not want to force him to stay with me. It is not an excuse, yet I found that due to our size difference, this is the only way I can protect myself when arguments get out of control.

I am also guilty of not separating BEFORE things get worse. Although I have made some progress in separating before arguments get out of control, he is much better at knowing when to separate. This is advice we have heard over and over again--to go into different rooms to cool off. I am guilty of following him and wanting to "talk it out". I am horrible, I know. I definitely need to improve in this area and maybe he can work on the way he initiates the separation instead of "Get away from me" sometimes "Get the [ ] away from me".

I will also sometimes block him from leaving. I don't mean to throw him under the bus. We can only compare ourselves to who we were, and he has always shown improvement. He has also helped ease my jealousy, encouraged me to complete my education, and has great morals.  I want to work through our issues. I tend to be compassionate knowing that a lot of the verbal abuse can be attributed to his upbringing and drug addicted mother. I hope he can also be more compassionate/empathetic towards my jealousy due to my upbringing. We have a counseling session this week. Thank you again for your thoughts and please know that I am taking them seriously.   

😬😬😬

You didn't mention your own behaviour in your original post, and it changes the scenario, (very), significantly. According to what you've written so far, you accuse him of relationship crimes he hasn't committed, then you threaten to blackmail him, you follow him around badgering him, you lay on a tantrum, and then manipulate the situation with dramatic emotional displays. I still don't excuse his abusiveness, that's on him and it's wrong, however I do understand why he's so angry. Men often manifest depression as anger, and your husband does have reason to be depressed. It's not his responsibility to "ease" your jealousy, you're an adult and your emotions are your responsibility, and by expecting him to tailor his behaviour to pander to your insecurity you're making yourself quite a burden. I'm not sure why you're in marriage counselling, it won't fix what's going on because it's not "the couple" that's the problem, it's one half of the couple, and you need to own it properly. You're acknowledging the abusiveness of your actions, but you're making excuses, avoiding taking full responsibility. Behaving like this is definitely not the "only way" you can protect yourself during arguments. A better way to protect yourself would be to stop causing the arguments in the first place. Are you under the care of a doctor or you take any sort of medication for your anxiety? It really does sound like you might benefit from the support of a properly qualified mental health professional, you don't have to go through your entire life being insecure and jealous and causing unnecessary drama. I at least hope your son isn't witness to any of this behaviour, it could be very damaging for him. For his sake, if you can't get along and live peacefully, maybe you actually should consider separating. 

[Els]

I'm sorry, but you are being absolutely ridiculous. He's not exactly subscribing to an OnlyFans performer or even following a sex worker on Instagram... he's following a professional woman on a professional site. What exactly is he supposed to do, only follow men and "unattractive" women??? Does he need to submit photos of his colleagues for your approval as well prior to accepting a job??? It's absolutely insane.

I understand that you suffer from anxiety, and I empathize, but you also seem to believe that you should be excused from your extremely appalling behaviour because of it. But it is NOT a valid excuse. Nobody gets a free pass. A spouse should be understanding within reason, as long as you are seeking help... but you are not behaving anywhere near the realm of "within reason". A spouse "empathizing" would look more like you having a panic attack by yourself, and telling him that you're sorry but you have to cancel your plans for tonight because you're not feeling well, and him understanding. It should NOT look like you just throwing baseless accusations at him constantly and him just sitting down and taking it, or you threatening him or physically blocking him. There is no excuse for that.

Are you at least seeking help? Are you getting treatment for your anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy, individual counseling, etc?

As for your husband's behaviour, I can't condone that either, but I don't really know if he only behaves this way because of how you behave, or because he is genuinely abusive. Perhaps a counselor can help you unpack that.

Edited September 14, 2023 by Els

[JTSW]

@JJT08

With respect, YOU are the abuser in the marriage.

Not him.

His verbal abuse is not attributed to his mother, it's attributed to you because you are putting him through hell.

You are causing him severe anger and frustration with your very unreasonable behaviour and constant accusations.

You don't even let him have space to cool off and you are constantly up in his face.

You continually accuse him of doing things that he isn't. 

I'm sorry but I think this WILL end up in him divorcing you because it sounds like torture for him.

[Ray_xx]

I cannot believe I am alone when I read things like this as I don't connect to your mind and why it works this way unless you have previous trauma to heal from. Why do you care about women on Linkedinn? why are you even looking at his business social page? He does speak disgracefully towards you and I am justifying not this but you're making him very angry and in some ways I feel for him.

Edited September 14, 2023 by Ray_xx

[BaileyB]

On 9/12/2023 at 5:09 PM, JJT08 said:

I confronted him about this, and he told me to "burn in hell ***".

 

On 9/12/2023 at 5:09 PM, JJT08 said:

He has been verbally abusive though calling me braindead, brainless, not smart, psycho, crazy etc... this is another reason I am posting this. 

The day my husband said these things to me is the day that I leave the marriage.

 

Edited September 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

Acting out with crying and being all cray cray is a form of "getting back at him" manipulation which in turn is being abusive. You both have toxic behavior. Your marriage isn't right at all. Just because you are financially stable doesn't mean you have a decent marriage. There are many components to a successful marriage...like TRUST, RESPECT. which none of this has ever been in your relationship. You are on a ship full of holes. Since nothing has worked, there comes a time when you need to move on and start a new life without each other. 

[Ray_xx]

The fact of the matter is - accusing a man constantly is abuse. Fact and no more to say.

[JJT08]

Thank you all again for your thoughts. I guess a quick update would include that I have not brought up this LinkedIn "issue" to him in the past two days. I see what everyone is saying, at the same time I know my jealousy is out of control. I admit that even though I have not brought this up to him in a couple of days, I still have thoughts of unfollowing this woman and maybe blocking her from his LinkedIn when this argument has been forgotten in a few months. I wish this was not the case as I know if not HER then it will be ANOTHER later.

When I reflect back at my childhood, all I can remember is my father's extreme jealousy towards my mother and their constant domestic violence. That was the only example of a marriage that I grew up with since we moved to the US. Divorce is highly frowned upon and rare in our culture. My husband, (who is American) his entire family has been divorced. 

I have tried different anxiety meds in the past, but they came with unwanted side effects such as rapid heartbeat, low to zero libido or simply did not help. Our therapist suggested medication management with a psychiatrist vs regular MDs, who prescribed my previously mentioned meds. 

Our therapist also recommended for my husband to take medication for his anger. He refuses because he says he does not have "anger issues" as he only reacts this way when provoked/accused by me and having an anger issue would mean he is angry with EVERYONE. He has listened to her advice on everything else. Yet, I was afraid he would have some resistance with any therapist because he is extremely intelligent, I am talking, multiple degrees, ivy league education with multiple scholarships to different universities. To make things worse, one of his degrees is in psychology with honors. I truly value your advice and thoughts as I question my intelligence everyday being married to him. He did encourage me to complete my degree and says I am braindead only in regard to my accusations of infidelity not academics.

I doubt we will divorce for now. He just added a new photo of me today on his phone contact of him kissing my cheek from a previous trip. Our child deserves better even though they are not around the arguments. I do NOT want them to repeat this cycle of anger/jealousy. I will follow through with medication management and continue to attend marriage counseling together. 

 

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like there are some good things in your marriage & things could be better if you would address your jealousy.  

 

Do not go into his linked in & unfollow or block this woman.  Linked in is professional.  You could harm him professionally if people find out his out of control wife is meddling in his professional life.  I could get past your unreasonable screaming & pestering faster than I could ever forgive an intrusion like that.  

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, JJT08 said:

I have not brought up this LinkedIn "issue" to him in the past two days

It's not an "issue" for anyone but you. He follows other professionals who share useful professional advice, The End. You don't have a leg to stand on in the Court Of Marital Disharmony.

2 hours ago, JJT08 said:

still have thoughts of unfollowing this woman and maybe blocking her from his LinkedIn when this argument has been forgotten in a few months

This is extremely worrying behaviour. Do you believe that unfollowing a woman on LinkedIn will wipe her from the face  of the Earth?

3 hours ago, JJT08 said:

my father's extreme jealousy towards my mother and their constant domestic violence

Yes, you're following a dreadful example of what a marriage looks like.

3 hours ago, JJT08 said:

I have tried different anxiety meds in the past

OK, so they're not for you. That might be because your problem isn't organic, it's behavioural. That requires qualified assessment.

3 hours ago, JJT08 said:

says he does not have "anger issues" as he only reacts this way when provoked/accused by me and having an anger issue would mean he is angry with EVERYONE.

He's correct. If he was an inherently angry person he'd be exploding at everyone, not just you. If he's one of those people with a way above average IQ it's possible that his emotional side is a bit lacking and someone as jealous and needy as you appears insane to someone who sees everything through logical eyes. Find a better therapist, one with a clue how to identify the actual problem, and the guts to call it, and work towards a solution. A good therapist will want to solve the problem , not just keep you coming back once a fortnight so they get paid for listening to the same stuff over and over. If you were making progress you wouldn't be seeking opinions on here. Your upbringing has given you serious problems, they can be fixed with the right kind of help. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

You abuse each other and both are way out of line. 

Just get a divorce already. I can't see this marriage lasting and the damage you both think you're not doing to your child is enormous. Some marriages are just not worth saving.