Change in friendship dynamic

[Dave_y]

I reconnected with a female friend several months ago and we have built a close intimate friendship that was potentially heading for a romantic relationship at some point. We discussed our connection one time and both agreed there was something special there that we have built together.

So she went on holiday abroad and met someone who completely swept her off her feet who lives in another country, It's been quite jarring over the last while as my contact with her has fallen off a cliff and she has withdrawn from me and other friends as she has pursued and hooked this guy online.

I'm looking for some advice on whether I should just act as if nothing has happened as I still value her as a friend or back off completely and move on. I do value her greatly as a friend outside of romance as we were very close and have great trust in each other which I still believe we have.

[d0nnivain]

It depends.  Since you developed feelings for her which now won't be returned romantically while she's crushing on this other guy, how painful would it be for you to still around her?  I'd back off a little for your own sanity 

[Dave_y]

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It depends.  Since you developed feelings for her which now won't be returned romantically while she's crushing on this other guy, how painful would it be for you to still around her?  I'd back off a little for your own sanity 

I already suspected I would need to do this, and yes, it’s pretty painful. She just moved to another city before all this and had asked me to go and visit for a couple of days which although it’s not been taken off the table "yet", I just don’t feel comfortable doing this with such a sudden change in dynamic.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Dave_y said:

 she went on holiday abroad and met someone who completely swept her off her feet.  she has withdrawn from me and other friends as she has pursued and hooked this guy online.

Sorry this is happening, but unfortunately if it were purely "just friends", this wouldn't be as much of a painful dilemma. Try to step back.

She's allowed to have flings if she wants. Unfortunately because your relationship is a bit of an unrequited crush, it's more painful to hear about her love life adventures. 

She seems to talk to you more like a male-girlfriend and unfortunately that's even more painful than the friendzone.

 

[Dave_y]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening, but unfortunately if it were purely "just friends", this wouldn't be as much of a painful dilemma. Try to step back.

She's allowed to have flings if she wants. Unfortunately because your relationship is a bit of an unrequited crush, it's more painful to hear about her love life adventures.

Yeah I totally understand this, its such a weird place to be in.

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She seems to talk to you more like a male-girlfriend and unfortunately that's even more painful than the friendzone.

I've definitely become one of her closest friends for sure, and the only male friend she sees outside a group setting, so I can see this being a possibility.

[d0nnivain]

I'd skip the visit.  Maybe keep contact to staying connected on social media & talking occasionally.  

[MsJayne]

I would back off and let her new relationship run it's course. There's a high chance that at some stage in the not-too-distant future she'll be on the 'phone giving you the lowdown on what led to the end of her grand romance with the exotic foreigner. Meantime, maybe be glad that this happened before you got involved, because if she was encouraging you to believe there could be something between you while at the same time interacting with guys on date sites, that's a bit off. Forgive me if I misinterpreted your post, but it sounds like she's gone abroad to meet an online suitor in person. I hope she's not one of those middle-aged women who fall for the Spanish barman and end up penniless and feeling very foolish. Whatever, as you weren't actually in a relationship you have to respect her choice to drop off contact, as painful as it might be. 

[ShyViolet]

Take a step back from this friendship.  She has already made her decision and taken a step back from it herself.  You have no choice but to respect her decision and give her the space she wants.  Chasing her like a puppy dog and trying to force it to be close like it was before will not work and will just make her lose respect for you.  If this current relationship that she's in doesn't work out and she decides to come back to you, she'll know where to find you.

[Alpacalia]

Let's be honest with yourself here. Can you realistically sustain a friendship with her when you have feelings for her, and she's already emotionally connected with another guy? It's a tough situation, isn't it? Being her friend while she's in a relationship won't be easy, unless you're willing to shut off your emotions like a like a switch - but that might require you to take a sledgehammer to your heart.

[Dave_y]

Before I posted here, I knew I in my heart I was going to have to distance myself for both of our sakes, it’s the right thing to do. I just need to decide if I should have no contact or limit myself to a quick text now and then to see how she is doing but not dig myself in any further. The fact she has moved away is going to help I guess as our access to each other has reduced significantly anyway.

[d0nnivain]

LC v NC is your choice.  Pick the one that is best for you.  Sorry things didn't work out.  

[Lotsgoingon]

19 hours ago, Dave_y said:

I reconnected with a female friend several months ago and we have built a close intimate friendship that was potentially heading for a romantic relationship at some point. We discussed our connection one time and both agreed there was something special there that we have built together.

Doesn't matter how close two friends are. There is still a Grand Canyon-sized chasm between friendship and romance. That chasm is as large for close friends as for distant friends. It's like some paradox of physics. In fact, distant friends can be at more of an advantage for crossing that chasm because they're not locked into friendship energy.  

There is another problem, which is that in a close friendship when a guy develops romantic feelings, he becomes (and I"m a guy here) delusional, assuming that the friendship is on the track towards romance. That's a frequent and powerful delusion and it's unrelated to reality.

I assume that if I could glance your face when you were talking to your female friend, I would see crush love. But here's the real test. Were you flirting with her in a way that friends do NOT flirt. OMG, you look fantastic. Were you guys kissing? Was time in her presence awkward in the excited way that budding romance gets awkward before the two people move forward? Were you guy touching and making out? 

That she has run off with someone else seems to me clear evidence you were not on a romantic track. There is a chance that you were on a romantic path and she just changed her mind. 

I say this is the time to state your feelings to her. You cannot be friends (you can PRETEND to be friends) so you aren't risking anything. Why not tell her that you were feeling for her and you thought you guys had something special building? Tell her! Nobly waiting and pretending to cheer her on--that's nonsense--it's self-destructive and it NEVER works. 

 

 

 

[Foxhall]

I feel your pain on this one, 

thats all I will volunteer- whether you try and keep the friendship alive or just end it all together- Im not the one to answer that,

my personal loosely similar situation- I dreamt that years later if we live long enough we may end up together in our retirement years., after failed relationships with other people,

I should not really want that either- hopefully our other relationships will work and so on,

Yes I dont know-its hard to let her completely go isnt it

[James-d]

I’ve been friends with a girl for over two years, and we’ve gotten close over the last six to eight months. I developed feelings for her and decided to tell her and not mess about, which I did and was rejected. She told me she cares for me and cherishes our friendship which I do too, so we agreed to continue as friends.

It was awkward for the first couple of weeks when texting and we both distanced ourselves to some degree, but we’ve turned the corner and are texting freely again. She lives in another city some distance away but is going to be in town this weekend so we’re going to meet up with another friend to go to a gig, this will be our first face-to-face since the rejection.

I’m going to use this meeting to decide whether I need to distance her if she is just too painful to be around. From what I’ve read there is little chance of coming back from the friendzone and if I’m being honest with myself, now I’ve developed feelings for her and having had time to think since the rejection, I want to be more than friends still.

So I guess my options are to stay friends and not pursue her which will probably be difficult or distance her which will probably kill the friendship that we both cherish.

Any advice is appreciated.

[Alpacalia]

Well, I can only give you my perspective having been in this woman's shoes. It was someone that I had known through school and as adults and only a couple years ago did he mention having feelings. I had helped him with a couple jobs through my work connects and helped him find a place to live when we were younger. So I considered him a friend. After he confessed his feelings several years later, I let him know that while I did care about him as a person, it had never crossed my mind to think of him that way and that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything romantic with him.

I left it alone and did decline him wanting to meet in person and said we could always remain friends, and like your scenario we agreed to remain friends (so I get her saying she cherishes your friendship) and like yours, I was leaving an area. We didn't speak for two years, but he recently reached out, we had a nice time catching up.

Everything does say little chance of things turning no matter how much time has past since you told her how you felt. It'd always be in the back of her mind and if you were look at things objectively, is the reason why you want to even hang out this weekend is to get some kind of read on her or try to see if any feelings have changed from the gig and etc.? You are doing yourself a disservice. The longer you remain friends and keep your status from her, the more confusing it becomes for her and increase the chances of it not being something more. Let's say there you have one in a million chance of getting with her, these two years you've confessed being friends is dwindling that one percent more.

If you don't think you can deal with her not being a potential long term gf ever because the focus is turning a mess than it sounds like you need to distance her or back away, whatever the feelings of trying to resolve, while she is in town.

You never want to have friendships hoping they turn into romantic situations. Not because they can't but because you find yourself living a life conditioned by the person who currently meets your needs.

As you establish boundaries, things like this won't be a problem.

[d0nnivain]

That is tricky.  You are right to be a realist though.  It's unlikely that you will escape the friendzone.   

IMO you are doing the right thing testing the waters & how you feel.  I would not go NC or ghost her but adding more distance is the best idea.  If a group is getting together & she will be there, you can still go but there won't be any of the same closeness / friendship before you developed feelings.  

Just be chill & things should be OK enough for you to enjoy the gig & time with the other friend.  

[Lisa]

@Dave_y and @James-d are the same member

[glows]

You most recently posted it may be too “painful” to be around her but I’d re-frame your thoughts on this. Perhaps another perspective to view this situation.

Can you backtrack here and explain a bit more on what exactly pains you? She is still the person she’s always been but interested in someone else. She is not interested in pursuing you romantically. Would you say it is more your ego or pride that is bruised? She hasn’t hurt you personally or gone out of her way to be unkind, rude, disrespectful towards you. She is being herself around you and truthful that she’s not interested. Isn’t that the truest form of friendship? 

It’s completely fine if you’ve outgrown all this or feel simply meh about all of it but if you’re thinking of dropping everything to nurse your ego or pride I think you’d be losing out on a good friend.