Dave_y Posted September 12 Share Posted September 12 I reconnected with a female friend several months ago and we have built a close intimate friendship that was potentially heading for a romantic relationship at some point. We discussed our connection one time and both agreed there was something special there that we have built together. So she went on holiday abroad and met someone who completely swept her off her feet who lives in another country, It's been quite jarring over the last while as my contact with her has fallen off a cliff and she has withdrawn from me and other friends as she has pursued and hooked this guy online. I'm looking for some advice on whether I should just act as if nothing has happened as I still value her as a friend or back off completely and move on. I do value her greatly as a friend outside of romance as we were very close and have great trust in each other which I still believe we have. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 12 Share Posted September 12 It depends. Since you developed feelings for her which now won't be returned romantically while she's crushing on this other guy, how painful would it be for you to still around her? I'd back off a little for your own sanity 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dave_y Posted September 12 Author Share Posted September 12 17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It depends. Since you developed feelings for her which now won't be returned romantically while she's crushing on this other guy, how painful would it be for you to still around her? I'd back off a little for your own sanity I already suspected I would need to do this, and yes, it’s pretty painful. She just moved to another city before all this and had asked me to go and visit for a couple of days which although it’s not been taken off the table "yet", I just don’t feel comfortable doing this with such a sudden change in dynamic. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 12 Share Posted September 12 28 minutes ago, Dave_y said: she went on holiday abroad and met someone who completely swept her off her feet. she has withdrawn from me and other friends as she has pursued and hooked this guy online. Sorry this is happening, but unfortunately if it were purely "just friends", this wouldn't be as much of a painful dilemma. Try to step back. She's allowed to have flings if she wants. Unfortunately because your relationship is a bit of an unrequited crush, it's more painful to hear about her love life adventures. She seems to talk to you more like a male-girlfriend and unfortunately that's even more painful than the friendzone. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dave_y Posted September 12 Author Share Posted September 12 13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening, but unfortunately if it were purely "just friends", this wouldn't be as much of a painful dilemma. Try to step back. She's allowed to have flings if she wants. Unfortunately because your relationship is a bit of an unrequited crush, it's more painful to hear about her love life adventures. Yeah I totally understand this, its such a weird place to be in. 15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: She seems to talk to you more like a male-girlfriend and unfortunately that's even more painful than the friendzone. I've definitely become one of her closest friends for sure, and the only male friend she sees outside a group setting, so I can see this being a possibility. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 12 Share Posted September 12 I'd skip the visit. Maybe keep contact to staying connected on social media & talking occasionally. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted September 13 Share Posted September 13 I would back off and let her new relationship run it's course. There's a high chance that at some stage in the not-too-distant future she'll be on the 'phone giving you the lowdown on what led to the end of her grand romance with the exotic foreigner. Meantime, maybe be glad that this happened before you got involved, because if she was encouraging you to believe there could be something between you while at the same time interacting with guys on date sites, that's a bit off. Forgive me if I misinterpreted your post, but it sounds like she's gone abroad to meet an online suitor in person. I hope she's not one of those middle-aged women who fall for the Spanish barman and end up penniless and feeling very foolish. Whatever, as you weren't actually in a relationship you have to respect her choice to drop off contact, as painful as it might be. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted September 13 Share Posted September 13 Take a step back from this friendship. She has already made her decision and taken a step back from it herself. You have no choice but to respect her decision and give her the space she wants. Chasing her like a puppy dog and trying to force it to be close like it was before will not work and will just make her lose respect for you. If this current relationship that she's in doesn't work out and she decides to come back to you, she'll know where to find you. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 13 Share Posted September 13 Let's be honest with yourself here. Can you realistically sustain a friendship with her when you have feelings for her, and she's already emotionally connected with another guy? It's a tough situation, isn't it? Being her friend while she's in a relationship won't be easy, unless you're willing to shut off your emotions like a like a switch - but that might require you to take a sledgehammer to your heart. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dave_y Posted September 13 Author Share Posted September 13 Before I posted here, I knew I in my heart I was going to have to distance myself for both of our sakes, it’s the right thing to do. I just need to decide if I should have no contact or limit myself to a quick text now and then to see how she is doing but not dig myself in any further. The fact she has moved away is going to help I guess as our access to each other has reduced significantly anyway. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 13 Share Posted September 13 LC v NC is your choice. Pick the one that is best for you. Sorry things didn't work out. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 13 Share Posted September 13 19 hours ago, Dave_y said: I reconnected with a female friend several months ago and we have built a close intimate friendship that was potentially heading for a romantic relationship at some point. We discussed our connection one time and both agreed there was something special there that we have built together. Doesn't matter how close two friends are. There is still a Grand Canyon-sized chasm between friendship and romance. That chasm is as large for close friends as for distant friends. It's like some paradox of physics. In fact, distant friends can be at more of an advantage for crossing that chasm because they're not locked into friendship energy. There is another problem, which is that in a close friendship when a guy develops romantic feelings, he becomes (and I"m a guy here) delusional, assuming that the friendship is on the track towards romance. That's a frequent and powerful delusion and it's unrelated to reality. I assume that if I could glance your face when you were talking to your female friend, I would see crush love. But here's the real test. Were you flirting with her in a way that friends do NOT flirt. OMG, you look fantastic. Were you guys kissing? Was time in her presence awkward in the excited way that budding romance gets awkward before the two people move forward? Were you guy touching and making out? That she has run off with someone else seems to me clear evidence you were not on a romantic track. There is a chance that you were on a romantic path and she just changed her mind. I say this is the time to state your feelings to her. You cannot be friends (you can PRETEND to be friends) so you aren't risking anything. Why not tell her that you were feeling for her and you thought you guys had something special building? Tell her! Nobly waiting and pretending to cheer her on--that's nonsense--it's self-destructive and it NEVER works. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted September 14 Share Posted September 14 I feel your pain on this one, thats all I will volunteer- whether you try and keep the friendship alive or just end it all together- Im not the one to answer that, my personal loosely similar situation- I dreamt that years later if we live long enough we may end up together in our retirement years., after failed relationships with other people, I should not really want that either- hopefully our other relationships will work and so on, Yes I dont know-its hard to let her completely go isnt it Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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