Over-react

[Greenstar]

My husband and I have been married almost 26 years. He hung out with friends in high school that included males and females.  One girl, Judy, he went to prom in high school. On Saturday, Judy posted a picture of her and my husband on Facebook from one of these proms in the suit and prom dress. There was no description, she just posted the picture. This picture is probably 46 years old. She is married and as far as I know, her husband is still alive. She is 64.

Judy tagged my husband in the picture, which is why I saw it. Following is one comment I made:

“Judy, was this post really necessary? I am fighting breast cancer again!?!?”

I also posted our wedding picture and said my husband has age well like fine wine and we have been married almost 26 years.

Then one her friends asked: “I’m so sorry about your diagnosis, but Judy doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.” My husband liked this post.

I replied: “if I posted a picture from my high school days, I would cut out my date. Posting that picture is disrespectful to me and her husband!!

My husband does not understand why I did not like the post. For about 8-9 years, Judy had me blocked on Facebook.

Shortly after we got married, we ran into Judy at a party. My husband was injured with a walking cast. Judy ran up to him, kissed him on the lips and insisted on trying to dance with him all evening.  Plus there have been other times where she has posted other pictures. In 2013, my husband and her spent a lot of time communicated on FB Messenger, mostly complaining about me.

Did I over-react to the Sat. picture? My husband does not understand and is siding with his friend.

TIA

Greenstar

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Greenstar said:

Judy tagged my husband in the picture, which is why I saw it. Following is one comment I made: "Judy, was this post really necessary? I am fighting breast cancer again!?!?”

Sorry this is happening. Please take care of yourself and try to reduce your stress. Unfortunately the problem is your husband and that's who you need to set boundaries with.

Please delete and block this woman and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no reason to be in touch with her.

You really have no control over her behavior or nostalgia or whatever, so it's unnecessary stress and aggravation to compete with or even bother with her.

Please communicate with your husband and try to get some support. Ask if he would consider marriage therapy to help you cope.

[S2B]

Your husband is willing to disrespect you to get an ego feed.

this is not about Judy - it’s about your husbands lack of a boundary.

he’s willing to hurt you to get attention from Judy.

he is NOT a nice husband.

[d0nnivain]

Yes you are overreacting.  Judy was not being disrespectful to you.  If she said something crass alluding to or outright saying she wanted to recreate "prom night" & some sexual encounter with your husband that would be a problem.  She was probably just happy that she was young & skinny in the picture.  

 

I am sorry that you are enduring cancer again & wish you a speedy full recovery but candidly your comment says more negative things about you then her posting of the photo.  

[MsJayne]

Interesting that your husband and Judy met in high school. It sounds like both of them behave like they're still there. You'll never know why Judy felt the need to dig up and post this old photo, it seems like a small and innocuous act, but I get the feeling you should check your husband's social media if you can, have a snoop through his recent conversation history and see if you can find what he's been saying to Judy to make her think that reminding him of his high school days was a good idea. Had Judy put some sort of amusing caption to explain why she was posting the photo' it wouldn't come across as some sort of flirting thing with your husband, but it does seem to have that connotation. The fact that you're battling cancer tells me that Judy probably does have a mean bone in her body. Let's hope it's not your husband's. Him liking the 'mean bone' comment is just plain disloyal and disrespectful towards you, a way of publicly kissing Judy's butt without actually saying anything. There could be more going on here than just the posting of a cheesy old photo, and I really do think you should quietly start checking up on him, his conversation history and his 'phone calls. Your post brought to mind Russell Hill and Carol Clay, (Australian high school sweethearts who were having an affair behind Hill's wife's back for years). Carol was a pillar of the community and everyone thought she didn't have a mean bone in her body, but for years this cake-stall stalwart been banging the husband of a friend.

[FMW]

Given the information provided, no, I don't believe you over-reacted.  You took action (commenting on the post) based on what you were feeling, based in no small part on past history.  This wasn't an isolated incident of just "hey look how great we looked in high school".

Did Judy personally respond to your comment on her post?  Regardless of her intent for posting the picture, your comment should have resulted in some kind of acknowledgment from her, even if it was just a private note sent by mail, etc.  And your husband certainly did not need to publicly support the friend's defense of Judy.  In her place, I would have deleted the post with the picture after your comment.  

7 hours ago, Greenstar said:

Shortly after we got married, we ran into Judy at a party. My husband was injured with a walking cast. Judy ran up to him, kissed him on the lips and insisted on trying to dance with him all evening.  Plus there have been other times where she has posted other pictures. In 2013, my husband and her spent a lot of time communicated on FB Messenger, mostly complaining about me.

 

I think it's understandable that you felt the need to express your unhappiness, mostly because of the above part of your post that I quoted.  Your husband engaging in communications with another woman that involved complaining about you was inappropriate and disloyal. Anything between them after that is naturally going to cause you to be wary of her.

At best, both your husband and Judy sound insensitive to relationship boundaries.  

A related note - I recently posted a picture of me (female) and a male cousin hugging when we were teenagers, tagging him and wishing him a happy birthday.  I neglected to identify that we were cousins (neither of our general sets of Facebook friends would know that) and I had to quickly respond to a post from one of his FB friends questioning who "that girl" was, even though it was obvious it was many years ago. I was embarrassed to have made someone question the picture of my cousin with someone other than his wife.  His wife later shared the post on her timeline saying " I love this picture of (my cousin's name) and his cousin".  Whether we like it or not, other people are going to notice and question things and it's part of the current social media culture to need to be aware and respectful.

[basil67]

If others are saying that Judy doesn't have a mean bone in her body, it's probably true. 

I agree with @d0nnivain that it's likely that she was having a moment of nostalgia.  An evening where she was young and pretty but wearing a hilarious dress from the 70's and him with his wide lapels, brown suit, brown shoes, fat tie and bad haircuts all around.  

Was the photo posted in part of a group of old photos?  Is she inclined to do the occasional bit of nostalgia in her photos shares? 

That said, your husband was out of line complaining to her about you 10 years ago.  Have the two of you gotten past whatever it was that was going on then?  And what happened to make Judy choose to block you for all those years?   How did it happen that the two of you became reconnected on social media?

Edited September 12, 2023 by basil67

[Greenstar]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Was the photo posted in part of a group of old photos?  Is she inclined to do the occasional bit of nostalgia in her photos shares? 

No, it was only a single photo she posted. I do not know if she does bits of nostalgia.

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

That said, your husband was out of line complaining to her about you 10 years ago.  Have the two of you gotten past whatever it was that was going on then?  And what happened to make Judy choose to block you for all those years?   How did it happen that the two of you became reconnected on social media?

I do not know what caused her to block me 10 years ago. It was probably the information my husband was feeding her back then caused her to block me.

I did not know I was unblocked until I saw that FB post and clicked on her profile name. 
 

I filed for divorce in 2014. Before going any further, we started seeing a counselor for marriage help. The counseling did help. Then in 2015, we moved from TX to PA. Judy is in TX. My husband had not heard from her until she posted the picture and we were doing fine.

Just a side note, my husband is a functional alcoholic and uses MJ to deal with his stress and anxiety. 
 
I saw a text my husband sent to his friend that is also friends with Judy that said: “Pissed at Greenstar’s comments about pic Judy posted, blows my mind.”

It has been my experience in the past years that my husband does not back me up.

He stays as he has a good life with me as I pay all the bills except groceries and his truck payment.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, Greenstar said:

It has been my experience in the past years that my husband does not back me up.

Then this is the real issue. Not some decades-old prom pictures, which yes, you over-reacted to. It seems you are displacing your anger and frustration with him on her. 

34 minutes ago, Greenstar said:

He stays as he has a good life with me as I pay all the bills except groceries and his truck payment.

Why do you pay for almost everything? Does he not make much money, or..?

[basil67]

Do you recognise the contraction in what you just wrote?  That you were doing fine until Judy posted the picture.  But you also say that he stays because you provide him with a good life.  That doesn't sound fine to me.  What about love and respect and enjoying each other's company?

Are you happy in your marriage?

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Do you recognise the contraction in what you just wrote? 

*contradiction

[Weezy1973]

If you trust your husband you overreacted. If you don’t trust your husband your reaction was understandable, but the problem is your marriage, not Judy. 

[JTSW]

It's common for people to post pics from school.

I don't think you should have said anything to her because now she can see she has gotten to you if that was her intention.

If it's true what people say about her not having a bad bone in her body, then it was likely just a nostalgia moment.

As people have said, the biggest issue here is your husband.

 

[d0nnivain]

Your marriage has issues, none of which have much to do with Judy or this photo. 

If he's an alcoholic maybe you should think about going to Al-Anon, a support group for people who love alcoholics.  

As for the MJ, can you smoke with him to help with your cancer?  

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Greenstar said:

 my husband is a functional alcoholic and uses MJ to deal with his stress and anxiety.  I pay all the bills except groceries and his truck payment

Unfortunately your husband is the problem, but for some reason you're channeling your hurt and anger into these social media posts from classmates.

Please step back and privately and confidentiality discuss with your healthcare providers what's going on in your marriage. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Please consider the available cancer support groups and  support groups such as Al-Anon to cope with living with a problem drinker.

Please stop paying All the bills. Why isn't your husband working or contributing? 

Edited September 12, 2023 by Wiseman2