Should I tell her

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Jason5 said:

 potentially illegal but as only a very young minor wouldn’t have resulted in a criminal record. It’s stuff related to sexual impulsivity actually. 

It depends on how long ago this was and what the nature of it was.  However, she may or may not accept it and she certainly doesn't have to  help you with anything. But she does have the right to protect herself. Please don't use ASD as an excuse. If you wish to disclose whatever this "potentially illegal sexually impulsive" act was use your judgement but take responsibility for your role in things.

[Deeka8]

I know she’s not obliged to help me with anything, like I am not obliged to help her with anything. But I have helped her with struggles from her past and I was happy to do so. Granted they weren’t as serious as mine and were mostly traumatic things that happened to her and not something she did to others.

 

I’m also not using ASD as an excuse. I don’t know the cause or motivations fully, and I am exploring all options.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Jason5 said:

mostly traumatic things that happened to her and not something she did to others.

Meaning, you did something with (or to) someone that harmed them in some way? 

 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Jason5 said:

 were mostly traumatic things that happened to her and not something she did to others.

In that case it may be best to disclose what happened. She may need to protect herself emotionally. 

[Deeka8]

Wiseman2 I think you are telling me what I already know. It’s deceitful in a way not telling her. I know it doesn’t reflect who I am now. I have apologised for a lot of it. I know my errors, they won’t be repeated. But i can’t hide stuff that is important. If she is not willing to be with me after knowing than that will be devastating for me. But I care too much about this woman to hurt her.

[mortensorchid]

Show me one person who doesn't have a certain skeleton in their closet.  Some more than others, to be sure, but there is not one out there who hasn't done or said something in the past that they regret (either related to someone or something).  That being said, just accept certain things.  Keep moving forward and don't be afraid (that's my motto).  But I digress ...

There is no need to tell everything about your past.  Why?  Because it's the past and you learned from it.  Things related to addiction, crime, bad behaviors, etc. are out there.  But it's the past and you can be a better person today.  I am just like you in that way - I have had people hurt me or lash out or abuse me emotionally, verbally, physically.  But you have to move on from them.  Whoever did that to you is out there living their lives and you're sitting in emotional jail rotting away.  Don't.  I said that last night to my boyfriend - He's nice and respectable, I'm the bad one (I was into rock music, being a groupie, being bad, etc.) but I grew up and recognize him as the good man he is.  And now we have a happy relationship.  He doesn't need to know everything, I keep him guessing about things still. 

[Deeka8]

To clarify for all. This isn’t a lady I met in a bar and went on a few dates with and now want to burden with all my problems. We have been very close friends for years before we developed these feelings over time. We have both helped each other with difficulty things in our past already.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Jason5 said:

To clarify for all. This isn’t a lady I met in a bar and went on a few dates with and now want to burden with all my problems. We have been very close friends for years before we developed these feelings over time. We have both helped each other with difficulty things in our past 

Another reason for trusting her. 

[JTSW]

I think you need to be completely honest with her.

If she finds out these things about you further down the line then it can cause even deeper problems.

You shouldn't keep things from someone you care about, especially when it's to do with your heath.

 

Edited September 12, 2023 by JTSW

[d0nnivain]

On 9/10/2023 at 2:33 AM, Jason5 said:

 Does every little thing of a past need to be dredged up? 

Should I tell her? I’m confused but strongly leaning to she deserves to know if she is getting involved with me. No idea how to tell her, any suggestions?

No everything doesn't have to be dredged up.  She absolutely does not deserve to know anything.  Your past has nothing to do with her.  

If you are going to tell her, you best keep it general & vague.   I'm sure she knows you have Asperger's.  If she doesn't do tell her that.  It will help her understand why you have such trouble reading social cues; that is part of your condition.   She does not need all of the gory details about whatever happened to you & you will be better served by NOT sharing, at least not with her.  You can tell her you were the victim of sexual abuse / manipulation when you were younger but do not elaborate.  

In general most people would be better off if they learned to keep their own counsel. 

 

On 9/10/2023 at 3:15 AM, Jason5 said:

So far no therapy has helped. No I don’t accept myself for who I am. And I have been suffering heavily from guilt, anxiety, shame, depression for most of my life. I have a lot of problems. Could be a case of self-sabotage and pushing people away. Definitely was the case initially. But I am closer emotionally and more comfortable with her than anyone I have been before. I trust her fully. It’s not a case of she’s not the one for me. I’m just scared she will turn away once she knows. But then part of me thinks that’s her right. If those things in my past are dealbreakers for her then it’s wrong for me to not tell her. 

If you come at her with a whole bunch of "this is why I suck" yes, she will turn away.  Don't turn that firehose of self doubt on her. 

You said therapy didn't work.  IMO it's because you haven't found the right therapist.  I agree with you that many of them aren't worth the paper their degrees on are on.  But when you find the right one, it's almost miraculous.  It helps so much but it takes time. I have been in & out of therapy for 35 years.  I have had some I thought were quacks.  The minute you think that, stop being their patient.  I have left after 1 session.  One of the best I had for years.  As good as he was it took a while for him to deliver the answers to me in a format that resonated with me.   Another one I thought was awesome because she introduced me to EMDR which did wonders for stopping my anxiety but she greatly disappointed me in the end. 

Sometimes it's about letting somebody else help guide you to the right therapist.   There are a number of groups for Aspies.  Get involved with an accredited one and ask them for a recommendation / referral to a therapist who specializes in your types of issues.   Think about it this way, if you have cancer, you are going to get pretty lousy treatment for cancer from an orthopedist.  You need a specialist, not a generalist. 

 

Best wishes 

[Deeka8]

d0nnivan - I agree to an extent. But to clarify a few things I’m ok sharing the things that happened to me when I was a victim. They aren’t comfortable but I take no blame for them as they weren’t my fault. It’s the wrongs I committed in my past that haunt me more. As for it being in the past, I still affects me today. If it’s affecting my present it will ultimately affect her as well. Hence why I feel it’s unfair to keep her in the dark. It’s also not inconceivable she finds out from someone else. It would obviously be better coming from me.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, Jason5 said:

I’m ok sharing the things that happened to me when I was a victim. They aren’t comfortable but I take no blame for them as they weren’t my fault. It’s the wrongs I committed in my past that haunt me more

As I've said throughout this thread, I am getting the very strong sense that whatever you're referring to is far more serious than general teenage experimentation. It's just an average skeleton in the closet, a "doh, that was a boneheaded thing to do, how embarrassing"-type transgression

Meaning, it sounds as though you victimized someone else and brought trauma to them in some way. Maybe I am wrong. But if that's the level of serious we are talking about, you need to be honest with her before she hears it from a third party.  

[ExpatInItaly]

55 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 It's just an average skeleton in the closet 

Sorry, I meant it’s NOT just an average skeleton in the closet 

[d0nnivain]

22 hours ago, Jason5 said:

d0nnivan - I agree to an extent. But to clarify a few things I’m ok sharing the things that happened to me when I was a victim. They aren’t comfortable but I take no blame for them as they weren’t my fault. It’s the wrongs I committed in my past that haunt me more. As for it being in the past, I still affects me today. If it’s affecting my present it will ultimately affect her as well. Hence why I feel it’s unfair to keep her in the dark. It’s also not inconceivable she finds out from someone else. It would obviously be better coming from me.

 

I understand that & applaud you for being a survivor.  That said, I think people overshare.  She doesn't need the gory details.  No matter what words you chose to explain what happened, she's going to have her own ideas.  Thus I would be more circumspect in what you say.  

Just say something along the lines of "Before we go further you need to know some things about me. I'm scared they may chase you away but I hope they don't.  Years ago I was abused. It still affects me in certain ways.  Sometimes I [whatever you do].  If that happens know it's a trigger from my past not you."   Your relationship is not a court case.  Dates times & details don't matter.   Less is always more. 

Timing is also important.  You need to be together for a bit & the relationship needs to be getting more serious & deepening.  She has to earn your trust before you reveal something this big.  Years ago I was supposed to go on a date with a man I had known casually through work.  Before the date as we were trying to pick a place / time, he shared with me that a certain day of the week was out because he has therapy then.  Even though I was in therapy myself, I found that so off-putting.  It was too intimate a detail to just blurt out.  It made me question whether this guy had any healthy, reasonable, expected boundaries.  IMO he should have simply said he was busy.  I didn't need to know why.  We had one date & that was it.  There were other reasons but the whole disclosure rubbed me the wrong way because it was too much too soon.  

 

[JTSW]

Ok, so from the sounds of it, you did something really bad if it still effects you to this day.

Bad enough that you cannot divulge here.

I think deep down you know it will be a deal breaker for her and she is going to run for hills when you tell her.

That's why you are considering not telling her.

But at the same time, if its quite probable that she will find out from someone else, then you need to be honest with her.

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Jason5 said:

. It’s the wrongs I committed in my past that haunt me more. If it’s affecting my present it will ultimately affect her as well.  It’s also not inconceivable she finds out from someone else. 

All you can do is be straight up and honest about it  owning your role in it without using excuses or reasons such as foolish youth, victims become victimizers, ASD, etc.

Since you were a juvenile offender and she was a victim of something possibly related, she does have a right to know so she can make an informed decision about you and whether she wants to be friends or confide in you.

If this happened long ago and you've been friends for a while, how come this is coming to the fore at this particular time? 

[Deeka8]

I’m not sure if she has experienced something similar. Well it’s not something I go around telling people. Didn’t think it necessary when we were just friends. Wasn’t expecting to develop feelings for her the way I did. I did allude to things in the past once my feelings became clear so I haven’t kept her in the dark entirely. But other life issues and the need for her to focus on certain important thinks has delayed this, plus my own fear a little. 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Jason5 said:

. Didn’t think it necessary when we were just friends. plus my own fear a little. 

So your fear is that she'll reject being more than friends if she finds out or hears the truth? Just be honest. There's no point pursuing more than a friendship if your connection is based on lies of omission.