Should I tell her

[Deeka8]

I developed romantic feelings for a girl I was friends with and we have both developed romantic feelings for each other. I have told her and we are working towards a relationship cautiously. There are things she doesn’t know about me. Dark things from my past. Things I regret, dumb impulsive things I did. Not reflective of who I am now. But I am terrified of what she will think of me. I’m terrified to tell her. Does every little thing of a past need to be dredged up? Sadly these things are partly linked to current problems such as depression and anxiety etc which she knows about. And I have made reference to those dark things which suggests she might be curios of them. I just struggle to see a way how she will accept them and fear the relationship will end when she finds out.

 

I was young and dumb when I did them, some younger than teenager. I didn’t have a great upbringing, I had a lot of personal issues in youth and the actions although deeply regrettable aren’t reflective of who I am now. I have a lot of shame and guilt about them. There are known amongst people so it’s not impossible she may find out from others eventually.

 

Should I tell her? I’m confused but strongly leaning to she deserves to know if she is getting involved with me. No idea how to tell her, any suggestions?

Edited September 10, 2023 by Jason5
Forgot a part

[glows]

Be careful you’re not hugging and hanging onto those dark times like a security blanket and purposefully/ maybe subconsciously pushing people and close relationships away. Have you discussed with a trained /licensed therapist or counsellor? Have you learned useful techniques how not to be consumed by guilt or how to forgive yourself? Have you practiced positive thinking and encouraged yourself that you deserve a bright future? What are you doing to actively move towards that? Have you made improvements in other areas of life? Do you have good boundaries now? Most of all do you accept who you are now and will you let yourself live a fulfilling life? 

You can actively try to lift that veil of anxiety by showing yourself consistently that you can make better decisions.

If this involves anything criminal, affects your health and your partners health or has legal and longer lasting effects then yes early disclosure is usually best. Having said that and if it’s nothing like the above, I don’t think you need to feel forced to say a lot so early but couples generally share their past, present and future. If you feel comfortable and confident sharing that is a plus. I think healthy relationships tend to share and be comfortable so info naturally comes out. If you can’t feel comfortable with the one you’re with that may not be the right person for you.

 

Edited September 10, 2023 by glows

[Deeka8]

So far no therapy has helped. No I don’t accept myself for who I am. And I have been suffering heavily from guilt, anxiety, shame, depression for most of my life. I have a lot of problems. Could be a case of self-sabotage and pushing people away. Definitely was the case initially. But I am closer emotionally and more comfortable with her than anyone I have been before. I trust her fully. It’s not a case of she’s not the one for me. I’m just scared she will turn away once she knows. But then part of me thinks that’s her right. If those things in my past are dealbreakers for her then it’s wrong for me to not tell her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Can you give us a general idea of what these things from your past are?

It's hard to know whether you're over-reacting to your own regret, or if there is a more serious reason she might view these things as deal-breakers. You don't need to get into specifics but a vague idea might help us contextualize the current issue. 

Are we talking drugs? Violence? A criminal record? 

[Deeka8]

Hi expat. No drugs, no criminal record (some potentially illegal but as only a very young minor wouldn’t have resulted in a criminal record). No violence. It’s stuff related to sexual impulsivity actually. Which I guess could be viewed as abnormal or weird. It was dumb, youthful stupid experimentation. But I knew it was wrong when doing it. I had little guidance growing up. My introduction to sexual matters was not healthy. I have Asperger’s, there is actually a link between sexual impulsivity and Asperger’s in youth. And I was a victim of a sexual abuse incident as a child and possibly another (it’s not clear what would have happened in that one). I once read once you are a victim of that it can create an unhealthy understanding of these concepts. I know I just tried to lay out a lot of potential excuses there but part of me things they may have had an impact.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry you were victimized, OP. I hope you have received good help in overcoming that. 

But I am curious what you mean by this: 

4 minutes ago, Jason5 said:

It’s stuff related to sexual impulsivity actually. Which I guess could be viewed as abnormal or weird. It was dumb, youthful stupid experimentation

What sort of experimentation are we talking about? 

[Deeka8]

That I’m not comfortable going into on here. And no I have received no help for it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Let me ask you this question - was it anything illegal? 

I think if people in your circle know about whatever happened and there's a chance she could hear it from them - yes, you need to tell her. It will be worse coming from anyone else. It might end your relationship but there's really no way around it if she's uncomfortable with it. 

[Deeka8]

A couple were questionable, but they were definitely all unethical 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jason5 said:

I developed romantic feelings for a girl I was friends with and we have both developed romantic feelings for each other

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? Are you dating yet?  Do you see a physician regularly? Who diagnosed the Asperger's? 

If you are having difficulty with guilt shame anxiety and depression, you need to see your physician and get some tests done.

Since you are not actually dating yet, you may be over sharing, depending on the circumstances.

Keep in mind dating is not therapy and if something is troubling you to this extent, it's better to confide in professionals who can help you. 

[Deeka8]

The professional route didn’t help. This girl knows a lot of the overarching issues. Yes we are dating. But tentatively as there have been some issues and she knows I have other issues which I’m holding back on but she knows I want to open up on them.

 

I know relationships aren’t therapy that’s not what I’m trying to do. But as for not telling her before in a relationship. Well I think that’s the best way anyway. I feel guilty for getting this attached already. As feels like she has been led on without knowing all.

[ExpatInItaly]

If I'm reading between the lines correctly, you possibly had inappropriate sexual contact with someone when you were also a minor. 

I don't know if that's it, but anyway, you need to talk to her before she hears this from someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Jason5 said:

The professional route didn’t help. 

Unfortunately if you won't talk to appropriate professionals about your depression, anxiety, fear, guilt and shame, it's inappropriate to burden her with all this.

You don't seem ready to date so why not stay friends until you deal with your feelings?  Do you have close friends and family you can confide in?

If this topic is too difficult for you to discuss with appropriate professionals, then it's completely inappropriate to burden her with it.

Keep in mind you can't unsay things, but you can confide in appropriate people at the appropriate time.

[Deeka8]

I did talk to professionals. You think they are the be all and end all? Vast amounts of them are not suited to their profession. This girl is very understanding and forgiving. She also shared my view on therapy that it’s not for everyone. She seems willing to help me. But I just can’t get over the fact that the things in the past might be too much.

[basil67]

Lots of teens, especially those who are weren't taught about about consent and respectful relationships in school, make mistakes growing up.  I'm female and remember being far too sexually assertive with young men when I was young and dumb.  Basically, getting too handsy.  And young men did the same to me.  It wasn't good no matter who did it, but it is how it was.   If this is the kind of thing you're thinking about, don't be too hard on yourself.  

The fact that you now recognise the behaviour was wrong and are ashamed is more than enough contrition.  Personally, I wouldn't mention it.  We all have teenage skeletons

[Deeka8]

Badil67. This was encouraging to hear. But I don’t know if it’s right as there are those who know and it’s not impossible that she finds out from a 3rd party down the line.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Jason5 said:

. She also shared my view on therapy that it’s not for everyone. She seems willing to help me. 

Group berating the medical profession won't help you. If you don't like therapists fine but it's not her job to help you.

[Deeka8]

Wiseman2 let’s not get too off topic. Didn’t mean to sound as blunt as I did in my previous post. I know it’s not her job to help and I don’t expect her to play therapist. Because of her natural high empathy I have been conscious of not falling into that one. I know ultimately I have to face my own demons and resolve them but others can help. Including partners.

[Deeka8]

Basil67 although they aren’t great. I agree they were in the past and everybody does dumb stuff. And depending on other factors such as personal issues, environment and upbringing some may do more dumb stuff than others. Sometimes I can’t tell if I have drastically overthought these things or not. 

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, Jason5 said:

Badil67. This was encouraging to hear. But I don’t know if it’s right as there are those who know and it’s not impossible that she finds out from a 3rd party down the line.

I don't know anyone who raises this stuff down the line.  Most teens do dumb and thoughtless stuff and I hope they are forgiving of others who make mistakes.

But if they do say something and she raises it, simply say that you're mortified that it ever happened.  And if you'd had the knowledge and foresight then that you do now, it would never have happened in the first place.  And if you have kids, you'd be teaching them consent etc.

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, Jason5 said:

Sometimes I can’t tell if I have drastically overthought these things or not. 

We won't be able to tell you that either, since you (understandably) are not comfortable sharing here what happened. 

It's imossible for us to say whether this was typical teenage experimentation, or if there was something more sinister to it that someone else might warn her about. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Jason5 said:

we are dating. But tentatively as there have been some issues 

What are those current issues keeping you from properly dating?

Maybe you're ahead of yourself a bit here. You should solve those current issues before concentrating on future issues that may never exist.

[Deeka8]

Sorry I know I have been vague here. Those other issues have mostly been addressed actually, some of them have minor crossover with the stuff i haven’t yet told her though and will likely become clearer once I tell her.

[Gaeta]

From who would she hear about this? Do you live in a small town?

[Deeka8]

I don’t even live in the town it happened, but I did live in a small town at the time and some of it got widely circulated. Family know, and it’s not been uncommon for them to sabotage me, they aren’t the best of people.