31 year old virgin

[throwaway7865432]

So I'm 31 and a virgin. Have always been obese which is held me back. When I was thin in for a year in college I did have a chance to hook up with someone in college but turned it down because I felt that person (who was obese) only wanted me because I had recently lost weight. Gained all the weight back and now I am just so lonely. Very few friends. Plus I live with my mom (not leaching off her but I help take care of her due to her health issues). Is there any hope for me? I have no idea if my face is ugly or not? And I'm so old without experience I feel like most women will look down on me for experience or the only women who wants me will be with me for money (I make about 150k and have family assets). Of course there is the weight issue which I am working on. I've lose 21 lbs in the past 24 days so I'm down to 234 from 255. Hoping to get to 150. I just [ ] hate life. My coworkers are probably laughing at me for being [lonely and fat] behind my back.

Edited September 10, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[MsJayne]

Yes, absolutely there's hope for you  .  You can fix the virginity thing with a quick visit from a professional escort who will be very understanding and helpful, and you won't be obliged to disclose that to anyone, ever.  For your concerns about your appearance, you've started working on your weight, if you can stick to it you'll reach your goal. Your face, that's a subjective thing - there's women like me who don't find Brad Pitt or George Clooney attractive, they're too boyish looking for my taste, so you shouldn't focus too much on appearance as we all see other people differently according to our own perception. Plus there's always cosmetic surgery if you were really bothered by something about your appearance. You sound very down on yourself and perhaps you'd benefit from the support of a counsellor while you work towards your weight goals, and they could also help you with self-esteem. Be proud of yourself for recognising your issues and having the smarts to try and fix it. 

 

1 hour ago, throwaway7865432 said:

My coworkers are probably laughing at me [ ]

Nope, probably not. Most people are kinder than you think and you're likely projecting your own self-perception on to other people. 

 

1 hour ago, throwaway7865432 said:

I make about 150k and have family assets

Be warned, this alone would make many women think you're the handsomest man in the room. It's surprising how money has that effect on women. I'll use Harvey Weinstein as the shining example, an overweight man with a face that looks like a bit of old bubblegum rolled in cat hair, married, (or was before his crimes were exposed), to a stunning woman. 

Edited September 10, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[SurfCity]

Do you have male friends? 

Obese people get into relationships, have sex, and get married all the time, so you might want to consider if the main issue is something else. 

[throwaway7865432]

27 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

Do you have male friends? 

Obese people get into relationships, have sex, and get married all the time, so you might want to consider if the main issue is something else. 

I don't really have any friends at all unfortunately. I feel like obese women do all that. I've rarely seen obese men do that in my experience.

[throwaway7865432]

34 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Yes, absolutely there's hope for you  .  You can fix the virginity thing with a quick visit from a professional escort who will be very understanding and helpful, and you won't be obliged to disclose that to anyone, ever.  For your concerns about your appearance, you've started working on your weight, if you can stick to it you'll reach your goal. Your face, that's a subjective thing - there's women like me who don't find Brad Pitt or George Clooney attractive, they're too boyish looking for my taste, so you shouldn't focus too much on appearance as we all see other people differently according to our own perception. Plus there's always cosmetic surgery if you were really bothered by something about your appearance. You sound very down on yourself and perhaps you'd benefit from the support of a counsellor while you work towards your weight goals, and they could also help you with self-esteem. Be proud of yourself for recognising your issues and having the smarts to try and fix it. 

 

Nope, probably not. Most people are kinder than you think and you're likely projecting your own self-perception on to other people. 

 

Be warned, this alone would make many women think you're the handsomest man in the room. It's surprising how money has that effect on women. I'll use Harvey Weinstein as the shining example, an overweight man with a face that looks like a bit of old bubblegum rolled in cat hair, married, (or was before his crimes were exposed), to a stunning woman. 

Thanks. Last thing I want to be is in a one sided relationship. I think I'd rather be alone than subsidize anyone for spending time with me.

[Goodguy05]

Improve your weight and lose the weight and your confidence will grow. Don't disclose your assets or income to potential dates. Sure if something develops you can but make sure there's a good level of trust between you. Unfortunately that asset thing will be a weight around your neck look after it. 

[throwaway7865432]

5 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Improve your weight and lose the weight and your confidence will grow. Don't disclose your assets or income to potential dates. Sure if something develops you can but make sure there's a good level of trust between you. Unfortunately that asset thing will be a weight around your neck look after it. 

Thanks. I'm also hoping to get a a few procedures that will help my face look better (namely micro needling and removal of a mole). I have a good head of hair thankfully and I have good hygiene and fashion sense (and am going to seriously upgrade my wardrobe once I reach my target weight though) so I hope that will help. Like I said I want to be the object of somebody's desire. When I was younger I would have been happy paying for everything in a relationship (and have done that before) but now If I had to do that it would just add to my insecurity and make me feel like a real loser. Hoping to date someone in similar income bracket.

[Goodguy05]

19 minutes ago, throwaway7865432 said:

Thanks. I'm also hoping to get a a few procedures that will help my face look better (namely micro needling and removal of a mole). I have a good head of hair thankfully and I have good hygiene and fashion sense (and am going to seriously upgrade my wardrobe once I reach my target weight though) so I hope that will help. Like I said I want to be the object of somebody's desire. When I was younger I would have been happy paying for everything in a relationship (and have done that before) but now If I had to do that it would just add to my insecurity and make me feel like a real loser. Hoping to date someone in similar income bracket.

Definitely don't pay for everything that's like paying for love. Who wants that.

I too was overweight at one stage and started losing my hair at the same time when I was 22 felt really insecure. I went from an up and coming athlete to an overweight balding 22 yr old. Then I saw this guy that was bald at a night club and it just looked so cool and decided to do that with myself and it just suited me. Went to jenny Craig to lose the weight and lost 25 kilos over 6 mths learnt how to maintain my weight. Now when my weight goes up by a few kilos I quickly nip it in the bud. I know that weight can be a huge factor in ones confidence I experienced it first hand. You got this you can do this. After that the dates will  come. Don't worry too much about the face because that's a subjective thing everyone has different tastes sure if you have pockmarked and stuff take care of that getting fit I assure you will change the way your body looks including your face jawline everything 

 

 

Edited September 10, 2023 by Goodguy05

[throwaway7865432]

11 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Definitely don't pay for everything that's like paying for love. Who wants that.

I too was overweight at one stage and started losing my hair at the same time when I was 22 felt really insecure. I went from an up and coming athlete to an overweight balding 22 yr old. Then I saw this guy that was bald at a night club and it just looked so cool and decided to do that with myself and it just suited me. Went to jenny Craig to lose the weight and lost 25 kilos over 6 mths learnt how to maintain my weight. Now when my weight goes up by a few kilos I quickly nip it in the bud. I know that weight can be a huge factor in ones confidence I experienced it first hand. You got this you can do this. After that the dates will  come. Don't worry too much about the face because that's a subjective thing everyone has different tastes sure if you have pockmarked and stuff take care of that getting fit I assure you will change the way your body looks including your face jawline everything 

 

 

Thanks. I think I saw you and other guys say similar things in this thread. I also am of the firm belief that women who desire the men they are with don't need to be incentivized at all. And female desire for the man is the probably the biggest predictor of relationship success.

 

[MsJayne]

50 minutes ago, throwaway7865432 said:

Thanks. Last thing I want to be is in a one sided relationship. I think I'd rather be alone than subsidize anyone for spending time with me.

Apologies, it wasn't meant to imply that you have to pay someone for their company, just as a quick fix for something that appears to be a big part of why you're feeling inadequate. It is, after all, the title of your post . And you would probably be surprised by the number of men who subsidise women for their company. Depends how you define "subsidise". I know plenty of women who only stay married to a guy because he provides the lifestyle she wants, and that's subsidising, just under the title of 'marriage' instead of 'paid companionship'. But anyway, I hear you, you feel like paying for the experience might be an ego-deflating exercise rather than a boost in that it would be reinforcing your poor image of yourself. Again, apologies if it offended you.

[SurfCity]

1 hour ago, throwaway7865432 said:

I don't really have any friends at all unfortunately. I feel like obese women do all that. I've rarely seen obese men do that in my experience.

Why don't you have friends? Are you shy? Quiet? Can't think of anything to say? 

What hobbies do you have? Why haven't you been able to make guy friends while doing those activities? 

There are plenty of obese men in relationships. Go to any mall and you'll see them. You'll probably say that they were fit when they were dating/single and gained weight after marriage and maybe some of them did, but some of them were obese while single considering that 40% of American adults older than 20 yrs old are obese and 76% are overweight. 

Lose weight for your health and your self confidence, but it sounds like your social skills are the real issue, so look for opportunities to practice socializing while you lose weight. 

[Versacehottie]

Lots of good advice here so far.I think you should work on stuff simultaneously...Like improve your social skills and build your friend circle at the same time you are losing weight/getting fit. I think it will really help you to have both (friends & more in healthy shape) to be more attractive to girls. Also if you are putting yourself out there socially, you will be a quicker learner in terms of vital things that matter when you are dating. I think the whole process, ie success in one area will spill over into your motivation in the other area. it's a positive success circle. That's not to say you won't have setbacks, such as if something doesn't go your way with a new friend...but better to experience this stuff as you are changing in all the ways..that way rather than be fit but not have developed any of the social part, you could have a really big letdown if you don't suddenly get what you were working toward, ie easier interpersonal relationships.. I know you are primarily focused on the dating ones but having a friend group, or even one or two close ones will definitely help you as you are dating. I mean, let's start with the obvious of where you can make a friend: if you are focusing on your fitness, you might find a friend at the gym. I would say to push yourself, within reason, to be more social. it will definitely help when you are dating. 

Here's a question.how tall are you? I'm not saying that from like a dating app perspective. I want to know for health/fitness reasons.  If you are trying to get to 150, I'm guess you are naturally smaller frame/slight and maybe 5'7"-5'8" ? Am I right? Just want to make sure you are shooting for a good (and realistic) range. Also I get wanting to lose it fast and that you are a guy so you will lose faster than women but 21 pounds in 24 days is really fast. I say that bc you said you lost a bunch before but then gained it back and I think you should approach it this time to lose that you can maintain, which typically means going slower with the weight loss. The body will try to bounce back and hold onto weight if you go too fast, making it hard to lose in the future (2nd round, 3rd round, etc). Plus you want to incorporate lifestyle habits that support your new, healthier lifestyle--so that requires some time because you are installing new habits. If you do stuff the healthy way, you will feel more confident and assured about yourself, even if it's slower. I think when people do it fast, they have a tendency to not really change the mental part that caused the weight gain in the first place and aren't quite confident that they can remain in the slimmer frame.  It's like your mind doesn't have the time/habit continuum to adjust as well. Plus if you are losing it super fast, that usually means you are doing restrictive things that are hard if not impossible to keep up.

I think you should keep posting here for encouragement and as you progress. Did you know that being accountable to "someone" will definitely have a positive impact in how successful a person is likely to be? So yeah whether it's here or with fitness/health related venue, definitely try to find somewhere where you can be accountable with people. Personal change usually requires sort of an upheaval at the beginning where it's pretty all-encompassing. Then once you have habits in place where you "automate" things it doesn't need to have such an upheaval effect. I think it's crucial that you get a routine in place that you can stick with. Discipline/dedication/consistency is more important than motivation. Motivation will come and go--some days you won't feel like it. Concentrate on food which is about 80% of weight loss but I always say that fitness is like the perfect feedback loop to stay in touch with results, your why, etc. Plus muscle composition and muscle tone are important too. Plus you can set other goals for yourself that will increase your confidence, make new friends, supplement the sheer weight loss ones if you have fitness goals. Ok good luck. Looking forward to hearing your updates!

[Versacehottie]

*and I agree, that there are plenty of guys who are overweight who have girlfriends.  If you are out and about and look around, you will see it. I think keeping yourself isolated is hurting you in your quest for more interpersonal happiness.. I realize it's hard if you are caring for your mom and don't really have friends now. But don't underestimate how vital it could be to your journey (and overall happiness). Good luck

[throwaway7865432]

9 hours ago, SurfCity said:

Why don't you have friends? Are you shy? Quiet? Can't think of anything to say? 

What hobbies do you have? Why haven't you been able to make guy friends while doing those activities? 

There are plenty of obese men in relationships. Go to any mall and you'll see them. You'll probably say that they were fit when they were dating/single and gained weight after marriage and maybe some of them did, but some of them were obese while single considering that 40% of American adults older than 20 yrs old are obese and 76% are overweight. 

Lose weight for your health and your self confidence, but it sounds like your social skills are the real issue, so look for opportunities to practice socializing while you lose weight. 

Not sure. I had plenty of friends in college. I fell into depression after college and now I just don't know where to go to make friends. I'm only shy initially. Once I make friends that usually goes out the window.

[throwaway7865432]

8 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Lots of good advice here so far.I think you should work on stuff simultaneously...Like improve your social skills and build your friend circle at the same time you are losing weight/getting fit. I think it will really help you to have both (friends & more in healthy shape) to be more attractive to girls. Also if you are putting yourself out there socially, you will be a quicker learner in terms of vital things that matter when you are dating. I think the whole process, ie success in one area will spill over into your motivation in the other area. it's a positive success circle. That's not to say you won't have setbacks, such as if something doesn't go your way with a new friend...but better to experience this stuff as you are changing in all the ways..that way rather than be fit but not have developed any of the social part, you could have a really big letdown if you don't suddenly get what you were working toward, ie easier interpersonal relationships.. I know you are primarily focused on the dating ones but having a friend group, or even one or two close ones will definitely help you as you are dating. I mean, let's start with the obvious of where you can make a friend: if you are focusing on your fitness, you might find a friend at the gym. I would say to push yourself, within reason, to be more social. it will definitely help when you are dating. 

Here's a question.how tall are you? I'm not saying that from like a dating app perspective. I want to know for health/fitness reasons.  If you are trying to get to 150, I'm guess you are naturally smaller frame/slight and maybe 5'7"-5'8" ? Am I right? Just want to make sure you are shooting for a good (and realistic) range. Also I get wanting to lose it fast and that you are a guy so you will lose faster than women but 21 pounds in 24 days is really fast. I say that bc you said you lost a bunch before but then gained it back and I think you should approach it this time to lose that you can maintain, which typically means going slower with the weight loss. The body will try to bounce back and hold onto weight if you go too fast, making it hard to lose in the future (2nd round, 3rd round, etc). Plus you want to incorporate lifestyle habits that support your new, healthier lifestyle--so that requires some time because you are installing new habits. If you do stuff the healthy way, you will feel more confident and assured about yourself, even if it's slower. I think when people do it fast, they have a tendency to not really change the mental part that caused the weight gain in the first place and aren't quite confident that they can remain in the slimmer frame.  It's like your mind doesn't have the time/habit continuum to adjust as well. Plus if you are losing it super fast, that usually means you are doing restrictive things that are hard if not impossible to keep up.

I think you should keep posting here for encouragement and as you progress. Did you know that being accountable to "someone" will definitely have a positive impact in how successful a person is likely to be? So yeah whether it's here or with fitness/health related venue, definitely try to find somewhere where you can be accountable with people. Personal change usually requires sort of an upheaval at the beginning where it's pretty all-encompassing. Then once you have habits in place where you "automate" things it doesn't need to have such an upheaval effect. I think it's crucial that you get a routine in place that you can stick with. Discipline/dedication/consistency is more important than motivation. Motivation will come and go--some days you won't feel like it. Concentrate on food which is about 80% of weight loss but I always say that fitness is like the perfect feedback loop to stay in touch with results, your why, etc. Plus muscle composition and muscle tone are important too. Plus you can set other goals for yourself that will increase your confidence, make new friends, supplement the sheer weight loss ones if you have fitness goals. Ok good luck. Looking forward to hearing your updates!

First of all thank you for taking the time to write out a long reply like this. I appreciate it.

The making friends part makes a lot of sense. I could always try bumble's friend section or meetup.com. I also joined a few professional groups.

I'm about 5'9-5'10. I was hoping to slim down to 150 and then build muscle back up to 160-165.

But you are right. What I am doing is not sustainable. I'm only eating 600-1000 calories daily when I should probably be at 1200-1600.

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, throwaway7865432 said:

 

I'm about 5'9-5'10. I was hoping to slim down to 150 and then build muscle back up to 160-165.

Listen, 150lbs is way too small for a man 5'10" you might have an unrealistic image of yourself and what you should be at.

One if my brothers is 5'10" & 200lbs and he is not obese! Sure he's got a bit if weight on, he could lose 20lbs no more! 

If you want to lose weight it's a good decision but do it under the supervision of a nutritionist. Years ago l lost 120-lbs with the help of a weight loss clinic. Don't kid yourself, the weight always come back partially or completely. I have accepted l am not meant to be a size 2 woman, and l am perfectly happy at size 14. 

I kept my size 2 for four years and did not find love. I found love when l reached size 12-14 because that's when l accepted myself and decided l would be the best version of myself at that size. 

I've learn life is short and no one should wait to be slimmer to enjoy life. Take what you got and go live life! You lose weight along the way? good but don't wait on it to live life!

Like someone said people of all size date and marry! Don't tell me it's mostly women, men have NO social pressure to be thin compared to women. So...go out there and make friends! Travel, get into sports and activities.

[SurfCity]

1 hour ago, throwaway7865432 said:

Not sure. I had plenty of friends in college. I fell into depression after college and now I just don't know where to go to make friends. I'm only shy initially. Once I make friends that usually goes out the window.

Shyness is really detrimental to your social life. I used to be really shy, so I know how harmful it can be. Don't cut yourself any slack about being shy, I would even say that for a man being shy is worse than being obese.

What I did to overcome my shyness was I forced myself to talk to everyone. At the drugstore/grocery store/Starbucks, I would make myself start a conversation with the checker and I didn't ever allow myself to go to self checkout. I got a personal trainer at the gym even though I didn't really need one so that I would be forced to talk to someone I barely knew. I would make myself call for appointments/services even though there was email or an online option. I went to everything I was invited to even if I didn't really want to go. Basically by making myself speak to as many people as possible every time I left the house, I got over my shyness. So I would say practice that while you're losing weight because if you had friends in high school and college and still never dated, then it was probably your shyness not your weight that prevented you from dating.

[throwaway7865432]

38 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Listen, 150lbs is way too small for a man 5'10" you might have an unrealistic image of yourself and what you should be at.

One if my brothers is 5'10" & 200lbs and he is not obese! Sure he's got a bit if weight on, he could lose 20lbs no more! 

If you want to lose weight it's a good decision but do it under the supervision of a nutritionist. Years ago l lost 120-lbs with the help of a weight loss clinic. Don't kid yourself, the weight always come back partially or completely. I have accepted l am not meant to be a size 2 woman, and l am perfectly happy at size 14. 

I kept my size 2 for four years and did not find love. I found love when l reached size 12-14 because that's when l accepted myself and decided l would be the best version of myself at that size. 

I've learn life is short and no one should wait to be slimmer to enjoy life. Take what you got and go live life! You lose weight along the way? good but don't wait on it to live life!

Like someone said people of all size date and marry! Don't tell me it's mostly women, men have NO social pressure to be thin compared to women. So...go out there and make friends! Travel, get into sports and activities.

Ok I'll give it a shot. There are a few guys at work I wouldn't mind hanging out with. We have common interests. 

The tdee caulculator website said I should be 152-159 lbs. Thats why I set the goal at 150 lbs.

[Gaeta]

28 minutes ago, throwaway7865432 said:

The tdee caulculator website said I should be 152-159 lbs. Thats why I set the goal at 150 lbs.

This calculator does not concider your frame. On a medium frame you should be 170-lbs, on a large frame 182-lbs.

As you see you need assistance in establishing a healthy weight and a healthy way to obtain it. 

[throwaway7865432]

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This calculator does not concider your frame. On a medium frame you should be 170-lbs, on a large frame 182-lbs.

As you see you need assistance in establishing a healthy weight and a healthy way to obtain it. 

I guess that makes more sense. I know a few 5'8 guys who are about 170 and they look good.

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, throwaway7865432 said:

First of all thank you for taking the time to write out a long reply like this. I appreciate it.

The making friends part makes a lot of sense. I could always try bumble's friend section or meetup.com. I also joined a few professional groups.

I'm about 5'9-5'10. I was hoping to slim down to 150 and then build muscle back up to 160-165.

But you are right. What I am doing is not sustainable. I'm only eating 600-1000 calories daily when I should probably be at 1200-1600.

awww thanks! I can't even tell you how much I loved SurfCity's post of how he talks to everyone!! I have always done the same and never hurt for friends. It's like a domino effect of how you present yourself in the world--friendly, engaging, approachable...and then stuff 'happpens'.  It's not always linear like you might think it will happen. I like that you are thinking of ideas. I would  recommend trying a bunch of stuff without putting too much hope on any one method, like if bumble friends is a bust, don't take it badly--it could be poor timing or a difficult place to make the right kind of friends for you, such as if no one interests you or has similar interests. I definitely like the idea of any meetup group or hiring a trainer or doing F45 or something like that so you make friends while you do something you need/want to do anyway like workout. My idea in recommending all this simultaneously stuff is that all the stuff builds upon each other and will make you more "ready" as you move through it. Rather than compartmentalize the weight issue and keep isolating and deal with each thing in succession. The time is going to pass anyway.  I think you would agree that if you've been isolated and depressed, it all could use some re-awakening. Here's the thing also about putting yourself into new situations, meeting new people, it makes you a far more interesting person typically... Your interactions, even small ones, like with some clerk in the checkout line, give you more conversational topics and more practice at being social and typically also build your confidence. If you want to ramp up quickly, this is why you should hit several facets at once. 

ok, i just want to chime in that 150 might be a bit aggressive of a weight goal. Not that you can't do it--but at what cost and does it suit you? For your height, it's definitely on the very slim side, even with a smaller bone structure. I would encourage you to do the building muscle at the same time as you are slimming down--you will teach yourself helpful habits that you need in the process and muscle burns more calories at rest than fat does so you can help your metabolism as you go. Ok calories--um ok where are you getting your information. I don't want you to mess up your metabolism and have rebound weight--which is way harder if not impossible to lose. Both of the calories ranges you stated above are way way way off for a guy of your size. You can do it like a ladder step down so the shock to the metabolism isn't so bad and unsustainable. I did the quickest calculation with a calorie calculator I trust and it said that you should be eating 1896 calories TO LOSE.. I used 5'9" to give the lower number as well. I sort of know that isn't far off based on what most women should eat at various heights/frames. This also means your macros should be 30% protein, 40% carbs, 30% fat...You can probably increase protein since you are a guy with the goals you have. This is 142grams of protein a day.

Here's the thing you really need to put yourself in the state of where it's POSSIBLE to do what you are setting out to achieve and as you get closer to the goal, you can refine it or challenge yourself more. The key is to make some progress and change your lifestyle.. I'm afraid (for you) of it being this common thing that some people will do where they set up nearly impossible standard/lifestyle and then do an all or nothing approach...If I were to guess, that for you as well as most people that is probably what contributed to you getting into your current health predicament. So try not to aim to be perfect but CONSISTENT and adapt your lifestyle. Look up SMART goals. That's how you should set your goals. Also there is a book that I think is amazing which has nothing to do with weight loss specifically but is all about creating good habits, called "Atomic Habits".  I'd be surprised if someone who wanted to change their life didn't find it life changing!!  So yeah please eat some more--I don't want you to do all this hard work and have the rebound weight gain or other health stuff that might happen by eating such a low amount. Try not to live life in the extremes--I feel like that might be contributing to some of your depression or isolation--such as if you think you are not "perfect" therefore are going to "get perfect" so you can start living your life. That's an impossible standard and even if you are successful at achieving the weight component, I feel like you will be unsatisfied. The key is learning to love life now as you are--much like Gaeta described.  Also a lot of time when people set these impossible standards, they BELIEVE they will achieve happiness and success when they reach the goal but that isn't what happens. Let's' say you continue to isolate yourself and lose weight in an unhealthy manner for the next 6 months that it might take. Then you come out of your cocoon ready to try out your new body in the world but if it doesn't go as you suspect it will you might be devastated--because of a lot of things but also what you tied the goal to and how you imagined things going once you reached that. What if not having a girlfriend or social circle, wasn't as tied to your weight as you think it is? All that time would have passed without working on the other stuff, experimenting with all the things that can bring you what you want. On top of that, lots of people who manage their goals this way, slip right back into the previous unhealthy behavior--which we don't want that to happen for you. 

*lastly (for now haha) I would recommend getting a dexa scan. Like I said in my previous post, it's important to have other ways besides just the number on a scale to keep you motivated & challenged in healthy ways. A dexa scan will measure fat/muscle/bone composition and then you can go back and do it again as your fitness journey continues. The numbers you would be striving for in that case are a good way to measure progress (besides just the number on a weight scale)...Similarly setting a fitness goal, such as a 5K or some recreational sport team/individual sport is motivation that is a likely to change your lifestyle, give you purpose and even perhaps be a place where you might meet a friend or a gf. 

I'm glad you are being honest with us. I feel like just having been honest (and assuming you listen to us about the calorie part) you may have just helped yourself from a big detour. Ok look forward to hearing updates! Good luck 

[throwaway7865432]

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

awww thanks! I can't even tell you how much I loved SurfCity's post of how he talks to everyone!! I have always done the same and never hurt for friends. It's like a domino effect of how you present yourself in the world--friendly, engaging, approachable...and then stuff 'happpens'.  It's not always linear like you might think it will happen. I like that you are thinking of ideas. I would  recommend trying a bunch of stuff without putting too much hope on any one method, like if bumble friends is a bust, don't take it badly--it could be poor timing or a difficult place to make the right kind of friends for you, such as if no one interests you or has similar interests. I definitely like the idea of any meetup group or hiring a trainer or doing F45 or something like that so you make friends while you do something you need/want to do anyway like workout. My idea in recommending all this simultaneously stuff is that all the stuff builds upon each other and will make you more "ready" as you move through it. Rather than compartmentalize the weight issue and keep isolating and deal with each thing in succession. The time is going to pass anyway.  I think you would agree that if you've been isolated and depressed, it all could use some re-awakening. Here's the thing also about putting yourself into new situations, meeting new people, it makes you a far more interesting person typically... Your interactions, even small ones, like with some clerk in the checkout line, give you more conversational topics and more practice at being social and typically also build your confidence. If you want to ramp up quickly, this is why you should hit several facets at once. 

ok, i just want to chime in that 150 might be a bit aggressive of a weight goal. Not that you can't do it--but at what cost and does it suit you? For your height, it's definitely on the very slim side, even with a smaller bone structure. I would encourage you to do the building muscle at the same time as you are slimming down--you will teach yourself helpful habits that you need in the process and muscle burns more calories at rest than fat does so you can help your metabolism as you go. Ok calories--um ok where are you getting your information. I don't want you to mess up your metabolism and have rebound weight--which is way harder if not impossible to lose. Both of the calories ranges you stated above are way way way off for a guy of your size. You can do it like a ladder step down so the shock to the metabolism isn't so bad and unsustainable. I did the quickest calculation with a calorie calculator I trust and it said that you should be eating 1896 calories TO LOSE.. I used 5'9" to give the lower number as well. I sort of know that isn't far off based on what most women should eat at various heights/frames. This also means your macros should be 30% protein, 40% carbs, 30% fat...You can probably increase protein since you are a guy with the goals you have. This is 142grams of protein a day.

Here's the thing you really need to put yourself in the state of where it's POSSIBLE to do what you are setting out to achieve and as you get closer to the goal, you can refine it or challenge yourself more. The key is to make some progress and change your lifestyle.. I'm afraid (for you) of it being this common thing that some people will do where they set up nearly impossible standard/lifestyle and then do an all or nothing approach...If I were to guess, that for you as well as most people that is probably what contributed to you getting into your current health predicament. So try not to aim to be perfect but CONSISTENT and adapt your lifestyle. Look up SMART goals. That's how you should set your goals. Also there is a book that I think is amazing which has nothing to do with weight loss specifically but is all about creating good habits, called "Atomic Habits".  I'd be surprised if someone who wanted to change their life didn't find it life changing!!  So yeah please eat some more--I don't want you to do all this hard work and have the rebound weight gain or other health stuff that might happen by eating such a low amount. Try not to live life in the extremes--I feel like that might be contributing to some of your depression or isolation--such as if you think you are not "perfect" therefore are going to "get perfect" so you can start living your life. That's an impossible standard and even if you are successful at achieving the weight component, I feel like you will be unsatisfied. The key is learning to love life now as you are--much like Gaeta described.  Also a lot of time when people set these impossible standards, they BELIEVE they will achieve happiness and success when they reach the goal but that isn't what happens. Let's' say you continue to isolate yourself and lose weight in an unhealthy manner for the next 6 months that it might take. Then you come out of your cocoon ready to try out your new body in the world but if it doesn't go as you suspect it will you might be devastated--because of a lot of things but also what you tied the goal to and how you imagined things going once you reached that. What if not having a girlfriend or social circle, wasn't as tied to your weight as you think it is? All that time would have passed without working on the other stuff, experimenting with all the things that can bring you what you want. On top of that, lots of people who manage their goals this way, slip right back into the previous unhealthy behavior--which we don't want that to happen for you. 

*lastly (for now haha) I would recommend getting a dexa scan. Like I said in my previous post, it's important to have other ways besides just the number on a scale to keep you motivated & challenged in healthy ways. A dexa scan will measure fat/muscle/bone composition and then you can go back and do it again as your fitness journey continues. The numbers you would be striving for in that case are a good way to measure progress (besides just the number on a weight scale)...Similarly setting a fitness goal, such as a 5K or some recreational sport team/individual sport is motivation that is a likely to change your lifestyle, give you purpose and even perhaps be a place where you might meet a friend or a gf. 

I'm glad you are being honest with us. I feel like just having been honest (and assuming you listen to us about the calorie part) you may have just helped yourself from a big detour. Ok look forward to hearing updates! Good luck 

thanks for the advice. And you are pretty spot on. It usually is an all or nothing approach for me. I do like hiking and playing basketball. might get into those and hopefully make friends, I'll take it easy on the calorie restrictions. I havent been to the doctor in a while and am seeing one this week and will be told the same thing so might as well do it.

[Versacehottie]

33 minutes ago, throwaway7865432 said:

thanks for the advice. And you are pretty spot on. It usually is an all or nothing approach for me. I do like hiking and playing basketball. might get into those and hopefully make friends, I'll take it easy on the calorie restrictions. I havent been to the doctor in a while and am seeing one this week and will be told the same thing so might as well do it.

Great! I like the idea of hiking and basketball!! Lol, maybe it's just me but I've always liked guys that play basketball 🙂 and definitely you could join a league for that or pickup games, etc. And hiking should have some meetup groups or even if you go in a busy hiking area there will likely be other people there. Sometimes I think hiking can be a good time to reflect--must be all the nature around you, but yeah I think getting in touch with yourself in a way like that that is self-care(ish) will also have benefits. 

Good luck at the doctor. I read some crazy stat that most doctors actually don't know much about nutrition and don't really counsel on it--so idk keep your expectations low about him/her being your guru in that zone. Probably be lucky if they spend more than 10-15 mins with you!  This is just the healthcare system right now. But if it's part of your plan, ask to be referred to a nutritionist who WILL help you. There is tons and tons of stuff online. I don't know if I would follow one person's advice or commit to one person right away but if you research several, you will see an aggregate of advice that leans the same way. Pick someone stable (not extreme) and follow them/their advice. Another thing that can help is logging your food so that you make sure you are staying within calorie range, macro range and teaching yourself how to eat. Like I keep saying, it helps to have a variety of ways to MEASURE progress to keep yourself motivated and working toward health overall. As long as you don't become unhealthy or obsessive, historically people who track their food have greater success. You can challenge yourself to meet protein goals every day or not go over sugar grams, things like that.

There are so many people you can follow on IG for fitness and health/diet...Choose carefully, think someone who is more moderate in their health views and has training in what info they are passing along. Good luck

oops how could I forget these things: drink 2-3 liters of water a day. Um there is a guy who is about your size who walks in my area...just walks. He's lost about exactly what you want to lose. Sometimes keeping it simple, just getting started is what you need to do. I forgot how long it took him but all he ever did was walk--he does walk at a quick pace--but that increased as he got more fit. Um i don't know if you meant anything by it but consider changing your screen name....I am always conscious of people who use screen names that could be derogatory toward themselves. Sometimes i wonder if they've created such an internal hurdle that it is very difficult to overcome. You want to be cautious and precise with the messages you send BACK to yourself. Like we don't think you are a throwaway so don't call yourself one. 

Edited September 10, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Els]

What is it exactly that you want? Sex? An exclusive relationship? Companionship? If it's just the "virginity", you could lose it in 10 minutes by paying a few hundred dollars - and there's no shame in that as long as everyone involved is a fully consenting adult. But I suspect you want more than just that, despite the title of your post...

It's great that you are taking steps to lose weight for your health. I also feel like you should also place more priority on making and keeping friends. Friends keep your social skills up, they keep you grounded, and they make you feel like someone likes you and has your back. I think a lot of people would consider it a red flag if a person has zero friends - yes, some people are naturally more introverted, but that just means that they have smaller and closer-knit social circles, not none. In fact, when it comes to relationships, I daresay that this is probably holding you back more than your weight.

Edited September 10, 2023 by Els

[throwaway7865432]

1 hour ago, Els said:

What is it exactly that you want? Sex? An exclusive relationship? Companionship? If it's just the "virginity", you could lose it in 10 minutes by paying a few hundred dollars - and there's no shame in that as long as everyone involved is a fully consenting adult. But I suspect you want more than just that, despite the title of your post...

It's great that you are taking steps to lose weight for your health. I also feel like you should also place more priority on making and keeping friends. Friends keep your social skills up, they keep you grounded, and they make you feel like someone likes you and has your back. I think a lot of people would consider it a red flag if a person has zero friends - yes, some people are naturally more introverted, but that just means that they have smaller and closer-knit social circles, not none. In fact, when it comes to relationships, I daresay that this is probably holding you back more than your weight.

Yea I want more than sex. I've had multiple opportunities to have that before and turned them down because I wasn't attracted to the person. I want sex, companionship and an exclusive relationship with someone I am attracted to.

I also don't want to develop an eating disorder but it's so hard to estimate calories. Like I have no idea how many calories I ate today. I had one slice of lemon pound cake (300?), 2 scrambled eggs cooked in vegetable oil (200?) and some roast pork (no skin, only took 2 bites of the rice and beans so maybe 1300?). no idea.

I also obviously want an active social circle. if I ever get married obviously want people at the wedding.