Is This a Serious Breach of Trust?

[BulletDodged]

This is something that has been playing my mind for a while & was one of the factors that contributed toward me ending things her.

 

Me and my ex met at my current employment (office based)

We spoke to eachother a few times at work & it was obvious that we had chemistry.

However my position within the company is senior to hers, I have a management job, therefore I felt it wouldn't be appropriate for us to date, as it could (according to my employers cause a conflict of interest)

I decided not the persue anything with my ex, however some months down the line, my ex decided to leave the company & find better employment elsewhere.

Now that we are no longer co-workers we both decided to meet for a drink & ended up eventually in a LTR.

My ex is addicted to social media, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Tik Tok, her constant phone usage often became a point of conflict, as nothing is more annoying than your partners face being buried in her phone at inappropriate times.

So my ex began applying pressure on me, that we should go official on Facebook as being in a relationship together.

I was absolutely fine with that, however there was a Temporary obstacle in the way..

The company I work for has gone through a turbulent period and they had to let go of some staff & even downgrade some employees positions within the company.

Luckily I was offered another two years contract with a salary pay rise, as my job role is very important to the overall smooth running of the companies operations.

Due to the company firing many people and the environment in our company being a little cut throat, I felt that, now was not the best time to go official about our relationship on Facebook.

I wanted to wait a few more weeks longer, maybe another 3-4 weeks, up until I have signed my new work contract & got my salary increase.

I didn't want to risk anything going wrong, as my ex had current employees on her freinds list, who would IMMEDIATELY spread the word around that we are an item and dating.

Reality is, it's not my employers business who I date, especially if they are no longer a co worker and we began dating when she had left the firm.

The problem is, some of the management in my company are trouble makers, and could potentially begin asking questions about when me & her got together as an item?

They may begin investigating the time line, fishing to see if there was any "Conflict Of Interest"

I decided that I would need to have a conversation with my ex about this matter & advise her to wait a little longer, up until I have my new contract signed and sealed.

I tried to talk to her about it & immediately she became combative/argumentive with me. Even though I did not like her reaction, I still made it clear to her, that it's very important that she waits till I have signed my contract.

I actually did not like that she became combative with me about this matter, instead of trying to understand why I need her to wait a little.

Anyway.. around two weeks after the conversation I had with her, and only 2-4 weeks left for my contract to be signed, what did she do?

She made a post on her Facebook, letting everyone know that she is going on Holiday with me.

Obviously my work colleagues have seen this post and rumours began spreading at work & my manager caught onto the fact that me and the ex are dating.

The manager tried to quiz me a little, in order to find out what the timeline was of us getting together.

Luckily nothing bad came out of it, and nobody raised any investigation around Conflict Of Interest.

I eventually signed my contract and received my salary increase.

However I was furious about the fact that my ex was more concerned about having a status of being in a relationship with me on social media, and actually didn't think twice and care about how much problems this could have caused me.

This could have lead to me potentially losing my job.

She didn't even apologise or acknowledge that this was a breach of trust.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[JTSW]

Why can't you let this awful girl go?

Why are you even still thinking about this when it doesn't matter anymore?

We could see from your previous post that she was horrendous and yes what she did was a huge breach of trust when she knew the problems it could cause you.

You need to put her out of your mind and move on.

Stop dwelling on things that no longer matter.

Edited September 8, 2023 by JTSW

[ExpatInItaly]

I could not date someone who put my job in jeopardy like this. 

She knew very well what the risk was and bulldozed ahead anyway to soothe her ego. That would tell me that this person is not someone I could have a relationship with. 

[Alpacalia]

Seems rather recklessness on her part, she was more concerned about having a status, than actually taking into consideration the consequences.

[BulletDodged]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I could not date someone who put my job in jeopardy like this. 

She knew very well what the risk was and bulldozed ahead anyway to soothe her ego. That would tell me that this person is not someone I could have a relationship with. 

 

My disappointment was two fold.

 

01. When I tried to explain & communicate this issue to her, she was very combative & dismissive of my concern. Began making some incoherent argument about, how we are not children etc, and can date whoever we want, without even considering the complexity of the situation.

 

02. Bypassing my concern. This was done in a sneaky way. Even though she didn't make an official post about being together, she still let it be known that we are together in an indirect fashion.

Edited September 8, 2023 by BulletDodged

[ExpatInItaly]

So, is it correct to assume you broke up with her over this? 

You refer to her as your ex so I am gathering this was a dealbreaker. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

Began making some incoherent argument about, how we are not children etc, and can date whoever we want, without even considering the complexity of the situation.

She has a point. You're both adults and can date whoever you want. You also knew the complexity of the situation before you began dating and chose to continue anyway knowing the potential risks. Ten months in a relationship and it seems your ex was frustrated by the waiting period and needed to be heard.

However, I think your expectations for your ex to apologize at the time and acknowledge the breach of trust are fair. You two had agreed to wait until you signed your contract and it appears she went against that agreement.

Edited September 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[mark clemson]

I think social media "recognition" is a bit like an addictive drug for some folks (and indeed from what I understand SM companies understand this and in fact design their algorithms and system behavior deliberately to intensify this aspect). She behaved a bit like an addict, needing her "fix" regardless of potential major consequences for others.

What you should do about this is up to you. I'd suspect "conflicts" over this are likely to be only occasional if you were to stay together. However, you might directly point out the negatives to her with the hope she can rein herself in a bit.

Edited September 8, 2023 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

. When I tried to explain & communicate this issue to her, she was very combative & dismissive of my concern. Began making some incoherent argument about, how we are not children etc, and can date whoever we want, without even considering the complexity of the situation.

It seems like you definitely dodged a bullet. Is this the same woman?:

 

[BulletDodged]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

She has a point. You're both adults and can date whoever you want. You also knew the complexity of the situation before you began dating and chose to continue anyway knowing the potential risks. Ten months in a relationship and it seems your ex was frustrated by the waiting period and needed to be heard.

However, I think your expectations for your ex to apologize at the time and acknowledge the breach of trust are fair. You two had agreed to wait until you signed your contract and it appears she went against that agreement.

 

Remember we didn't date till she had left the company.

Life isn't always a straight forward path, it has complexity's and relationships often go through some trials and tribulations.

 

This is a true test of a relationships future and your partners character.

 

For me to try and communicate with her in a adult manner and try to explain the complexity of the situation, and for her to dismiss the c

 

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

She has a point. You're both adults and can date whoever you want. You also knew the complexity of the situation before you began dating and chose to continue anyway knowing the potential risks. Ten months in a relationship and it seems your ex was frustrated by the waiting period and needed to be heard.

However, I think your expectations for your ex to apologize at the time and acknowledge the breach of trust are fair. You two had agreed to wait until you signed your contract and it appears she went against that agreement.

 

Obviously we are both adults, that's a standard.

 

However life, relationships, are not always a straight path. Trials and tribulations will come in our way & it is in these moments that your partner shows you, that they have your back, or don't have your back.

I tried to talk to her and have a conversation like and adult, she didn't allow that conv to happen because she immediately became dismissive and combative.

It was simply a matter of waiting another few weeks, instead she chose the status of a relationship ONLINE than her actual relationship.

 

She sabotaged her relationship and my career for her addiction to social media.

Edited September 8, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[BulletDodged]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, is it correct to assume you broke up with her over this? 

You refer to her as your ex so I am gathering this was a dealbreaker. 

This was one of the reasons why I broke up with her. She put my career on the line, for the sake of some social media status and some likes.

The other reasons included disrespecting me a couple of times.

Ending the relationship with me out of anger and sheer impulse, then regretting it the following day. But the damage was already done.

[BulletDodged]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you definitely dodged a bullet. Is this the same woman?:

 

 

Yes it is the same woman.

 

As I detatch from her, I begin to recognise more of the rather toxic and selfish things she did to sabotage the relationship.

This is all self sabotaging behaviour.

Edited September 8, 2023 by BulletDodged

[BulletDodged]

Just now, S2B said:

So what now? Are you doubting your decision?

 

I won't lie. I loved this woman alot and yes at times I do doubt my decision.

This is because my feelings/emotions are likely clouding my thought process.

 

[BulletDodged]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

So what now? Are you doubting your decision?

It wasn't just this incident.

 

She very obviously disrespected me a couple of times too.

I walked away from her and she pleaded for me to get back together with her, only for more drama and Chao's down the road.

[BulletDodged]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I think social media "recognition" is a bit like an addictive drug for some folks (and indeed from what I understand SM companies understand this and in fact design their algorithms and system behavior deliberately to intensify this aspect). She behaved a bit like an addict, needing her "fix" regardless of potential major consequences for others.

What you should do about this is up to you. I'd suspect "conflicts" over this are likely to be only occasional if you were to stay together. However, you might directly point out the negatives to her with the hope she can rein herself in a bit.

We are no longer together. I ended the relationship 7 weeks ago.

 

It wasn't only this incident that forced me to end the relationship, she had disrespected me a couple of times.

Do you want to know what broke our love up? SOCIAL MEDIA

I advised her that moving forward it would be a good idea for us to not use social media & mobile devices around the dinner table, if we are going to enjoy a meal together.

 

She erupted into a rage, agressively in my own home and my kitchen.

It was like telling a crack addict, to put the crack down.

 

This was the final straw for me.

Edited September 8, 2023 by BulletDodged

[BulletDodged]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

She has a point. You're both adults and can date whoever you want. You also knew the complexity of the situation before you began dating and chose to continue anyway knowing the potential risks. Ten months in a relationship and it seems your ex was frustrated by the waiting period and needed to be heard.

However, I think your expectations for your ex to apologize at the time and acknowledge the breach of trust are fair. You two had agreed to wait until you signed your contract and it appears she went against that agreement.

 

Losing your job is serious.. Can lead to homelessness.

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, BulletDodged said:

 

Remember we didn't date till she had left the company.

Life isn't always a straight forward path, it has complexity's and relationships often go through some trials and tribulations.

 

This is a true test of a relationships future and your partners character.

 

For me to try and communicate with her in a adult manner and try to explain the complexity of the situation, and for her to dismiss the c

 

 

Obviously we are both adults, that's a standard.

 

However life, relationships, are not always a straight path. Trials and tribulations will come in our way & it is in these moments that your partner shows you, that they have your back, or don't have your back.

I tried to talk to her and have a conversation like and adult, she didn't allow that conv to happen because she immediately became dismissive and combative.

It was simply a matter of waiting another few weeks, instead she chose the status of a relationship ONLINE than her actual relationship.

 

She sabotaged her relationship and my career for her addiction to social media.

That's fair.

I can see the one point she raised, especially considering your ten-month relationship - the importance of not letting others dictate your dating choices. In a professional setting, yes you have to be cautious and discreet. When the situation is unique and could potentially harm your job, it becomes a different situation.

If she didn't want to keep your relationship private, she could have waited a bit longer until you had signed your new contract. Alternatively, if she was unhappy about not being able to openly acknowledge your relationship, she could have reconsidered the relationship altogether. Ultimately, it seems like she took a risk without fully considering your concerns and the potential impact on your job.

From your previous thread, seems she had a few issues one of them being she tended to drink excessively and often showed up to your dates hungover or not at all. It's good that you decided to end things and you put your safety and job security first.

[BulletDodged]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

That's fair.

I can see the one point she raised, especially considering your ten-month relationship - the importance of not letting others dictate your dating choices. In a professional setting, yes you have to be cautious and discreet. When the situation is unique and could potentially harm your job, it becomes a different situation.

If she didn't want to keep your relationship private, she could have waited a bit longer until you had signed your new contract. Alternatively, if she was unhappy about not being able to openly acknowledge your relationship, she could have reconsidered the relationship altogether. Ultimately, it seems like she took a risk without fully considering your concerns and the potential impact on your job.

From your previous thread, seems she had a few issues one of them being she tended to drink excessively and often showed up to your dates hungover or not at all. It's good that you decided to end things and you put your safety and job security first.

It was simply a matter of waiting another 3-4 more weeks.

I was perfectly happy to go public with her.

Also to shut me down with combativeness & agression when I tried to communicate the situation with her, was another big red flag.

[Alpacalia]

48 minutes ago, BulletDodged said:

It was simply a matter of waiting another 3-4 more weeks.

I was perfectly happy to go public with her.

Also to shut me down with combativeness & agression when I tried to communicate the situation with her, was another big red flag.

Doesn't social media have the option to say you're "in a relationship" but gives the option of not allowing anyone to know who the person is? Why couldn't she just do that?

Nonetheless, you guys had a lot of difficulties in the relationship.

Communication was a major issue as it sounds like your ex wasn't willing to listen to and understand your side of things.

[BulletDodged]

28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Doesn't social media have the option to say you're "in a relationship" but gives the option of not allowing anyone to know who the person is? Why couldn't she just do that?

Nonetheless, you guys had a lot of difficulties in the relationship.

Communication was a major issue as it sounds like your ex wasn't willing to listen to and understand your side of things.

I honestly don't know how it works. I think she wanted to do some type of announcement or some pictures of us together to make it official on Social media 

I really don't do any social media, very little. 

What I realised about this experience was three things

01. Not willing to talk/communicate the issue, simply dismissed my concerns.

02. Willing to jeapordize my career, even though I made it clear that we need to wait

03. Absolutely no apology or accountability of her actions, when I let her know what she did & how it effects me

And this is a woman who was baying for me to have children with her.

[Alpacalia]

30 minutes ago, BulletDodged said:

I honestly don't know how it works. I think she wanted to do some type of announcement or some pictures of us together to make it official on Social media 

I really don't do any social media, very little. 

What I realised about this experience was three things

01. Not willing to talk/communicate the issue, simply dismissed my concerns.

02. Willing to jeapordize my career, even though I made it clear that we need to wait

03. Absolutely no apology or accountability of her actions, when I let her know what she did & how it effects me

And this is a woman who was baying for me to have children with her.

Honestly, it sounds like your relationship was one long poopfest. What kept you from walking away sooner? If I had to guess, I would say it’s because you couldn’t realistically expect any better from someone who operates like this—so you tried to put up with it and make it work. Unfortunately now, you’re feeling the negative consequences of this.

[stillafool]

You definitely did the right thing by dumping this woman.  She's way too needy for attention from other people and willing to put your job in jeopardy to get it.  Don't regret your break up.  What did you see in her from the beginning?

[ExpatInItaly]

Why are you second-guessing your decision? 

[BulletDodged]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Honestly, it sounds like your relationship was one long poopfest. What kept you from walking away sooner? If I had to guess, I would say it’s because you couldn’t realistically expect any better from someone who operates like this—so you tried to put up with it and make it work. Unfortunately now, you’re feeling the negative consequences of this.

I think when there is lots of good mixed in with lots of bad, it's not that easy to Walk away.

It wasn't simply chaos 24/7 we had great times together too, but pretty much like clockwork, every 3-4 weeks, something would happen that would cause a real issue, or she would sabotage the relationship in some way or shape.

 

 

[BulletDodged]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

You definitely did the right thing by dumping this woman.  She's way too needy for attention from other people and willing to put your job in jeopardy to get it.  Don't regret your break up.  What did you see in her from the beginning?

 

Well it wasn't constant bad things. She had good qualities too, she was very effectionate at times too.

 

However the social media was a big problem. In-fact it was social media that broke us up.

I suggested that we don't use our phones/social media around the dinner table in my house, moving forward & she went into an agressive rage about it. 

That's was the last straw for me, so I asked her to leave. We haven't spoke since.

Edited September 9, 2023 by BulletDodged