Is it possible to get my Ex back?

[Keeves1]

Hey, 

I want to get back to my ex and my goal is to first work on myself and lose weight by hitting the gym. There is something I'm curious about... Is it possible to get back to your ex? Genereally speaking I've been reading articles on the internet about the "No contact rule" and that It should last between 3 months to 6 months. Has everyone tried it? If so please shared the experience!

I've stopped dating as I'm still recovering from the breakup. It was not a bad breakup but I was the problem for this breakup and I also messed up when we broke up. I told her that I was dating and she was irritated as she left me on open on snapchat. The last communication we both had was on sunday 3th september when she was out on a first date and according to her it went very well.

What if my ex has moved on during the "no contact"? I mean she is already dating a guy and is probably meeting him for a 2nd date since the first one went really well.

I've had a tough time as I've cried every night since saturday and tomorrow I will se my my GP. I've also been on sick leave from work.

I've went through her Insta and scrolled down. One of the post were I am pictured together with her friends are not deleted from her IG. We celebrated Norway's national day. Also I know that she has a polaroid camera an a book where she can store all the photo's taken from it. I though she left that in my home but she took it with her and on some pages there are also picture of me inside the Polaroid book. I don't know if she has thrown away that or hidden the book but she has pictures of me in her new home (Probably hidden it and stored away)

Thanks for reading! 🙌✨

[Keeves1]

For more context please reply and I will do my best to explain!

[SlimShadysWife]

Who initiated the break up and what was the reason?

[Keeves1]

23 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said:

Who initiated the break up and what was the reason?

I've already written most of it on my other posts. I have history with Maria and during our relationship I have said things I should not say. I have said things like "move out". Sometimes when we have arguments or fights I'm saying that "I'm not happy in this relationship". I have been hurting Maria for a long time.

She initiated the breakup. The reason is lack of sex, lack of respect, selfishness and not having a big heart. Most of it is my fault. 

[ExpatInItaly]

If someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, no amount of hitting the gym or going No Contact for some arbitrary number of days or months is going to change that. 

Focus on accepting that it's over instead. 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/6/2023 at 4:28 PM, Keeves1 said:

. I have been hurting Maria for a long time. She initiated the breakup. 

It may be best to focus on recovering rather than reconciliation.

[La.Primavera]

So, your big plan for winning back your ex is to hit the gym (a superficial fix at best) and that isn't even the reason she left, right?  You try to make her jealous talking about your other dates and are considering using no contact as a tactic to win her back.  I think there are some big flaws in your plan.  Not to mention the fact that you are overlooking the obvious.

You list "lack of sex, lack of respect, selfishness and not having a big heart" as reasons why she ended the relationship.  Your examples of how you plan to win her back simply reinforce these reasons for not wanting to be with you anymore.  Can you see that?  

It doesn't sound like you have really taken that feedback on board, reflected, or have even tried to improve in those areas at all.  Those are the things that really matter to her.  Your actions have proven that she was right.  She wants someone who makes her feel respected, desired, appreciated, and loved.  These should be the basics, so something was really dysfunctional.

I understand that this breakup is painful, but I have to ask, what are you really fighting for here?  Do you want her to be happy or in a bad relationship with you?  Because I get the sense that you are not actually interested in giving her the type of relationship she actually wants or needs.  That would be selfish.

Take some time to really think about what you are trying to hold onto here and what you are capable of bringing to a relationship.  

[Keeves1]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, no amount of hitting the gym or going No Contact for some arbitrary number of days or months is going to change that. 

Focus on accepting that it's over instead. 

@ExpatInItaly Many people seems to also say that I need to move on and I'm trying my best even if it's difficult right now. I think it does not hurt to atleast try to get her back so when the times comes I have probably moved on and the answeres she will give me will not be affecting 

[Keeves1]

2 hours ago, La.Primavera said:

So, your big plan for winning back your ex is to hit the gym (a superficial fix at best) and that isn't even the reason she left, right?  You try to make her jealous talking about your other dates and are considering using no contact as a tactic to win her back.  I think there are some big flaws in your plan.  Not to mention the fact that you are overlooking the obvious.

You list "lack of sex, lack of respect, selfishness and not having a big heart" as reasons why she ended the relationship.  Your examples of how you plan to win her back simply reinforce these reasons for not wanting to be with you anymore.  Can you see that?  

It doesn't sound like you have really taken that feedback on board, reflected, or have even tried to improve in those areas at all.  Those are the things that really matter to her.  Your actions have proven that she was right.  She wants someone who makes her feel respected, desired, appreciated, and loved.  These should be the basics, so something was really dysfunctional.

I understand that this breakup is painful, but I have to ask, what are you really fighting for here?  Do you want her to be happy or in a bad relationship with you?  Because I get the sense that you are not actually interested in giving her the type of relationship she actually wants or needs.  That would be selfish.

Take some time to really think about what you are trying to hold onto here and what you are capable of bringing to a relationship.  

@La.Primavera Many good questions here! Thanks for taking your time to reply 😊

Indeed hitting the gym is a superficial fix but it helps to alteast keep me distracted for 1 or 2 hours. I'm not hitting the gym because of the breakup, it has always been on my mind as I have gained weight when I was in relationship with her. I just have more time now to do it, so why not right?  

It was not my intention to make her jealous by going on dates but I see where that mindset are coming from. At the time when she still lived with me, I was dating a girl, I think I was doing it just to fill the void but nothing came out of it. I have not written this here but I remember my parents coming to my place just to convince Maria to give me a another chance and that is when she said "I've already given him three chances". I had no idea that my parents would do that but at that time I was dating a girl when Maria still lived with me, so I did not feel any sort of feelings which later my parents said it was strange (They expected me to cry or something during their convincing part) But yeah I know that it was disrespectful of me to do that.
 

"You list "lack of sex, lack of respect, selfishness and not having a big heart" as reasons why she ended the relationship.  Your examples of how you plan to win her back simply reinforce these reasons for not wanting to be with you anymore.  Can you see that? "

- I'm sorry but what to you mean by this? These listings that I have written are words from Maria. Before she moved out she recommended me to write it down so I could work on myself. It's her words not mine. She was trying to be nice and pointing out my problems.

It doesn't sound like you have really taken that feedback on board, reflected, or have even tried to improve in those areas at all.  Those are the things that really matter to her.  Your actions have proven that she was right.  She wants someone who makes her feel respected, desired, appreciated, and loved.  These should be the basics, so something was really dysfunctional.

- I understand that it sounds like I have not taken her and others feedback on the board, reflected or tried to improve on these areas. To be blunt I honestly don't know HOW I should reflect, and try to improve my problems that is written on the list. HOW can I even do that when I don't have anyone to talk to that can help me? My parents don't help much, my friends cannot help me as they will be bothered by it, so only solution I see is to seek professional help or maybe google "How to have a big heart" and read bunch of articles. 

Like in order for me to try to apply or even improve in certain areas I think I have to practise it in my everyday life. How could I even improve on what is written on the list? Can I work on it on my own? Do I need to practise it with someone else in my daily life? 

I wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch youtube or maybe use my time to google things and then sleep. Like that's all I do... I feel I don't get to try to improve by repeating this everyday

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that I need to improve in everything that is on the list in 1 day. I'm fully aware that these things take time

She was right in every aspects and I know this breakup was all my fault. Something was dysfunctional because of me. I was the problem.

" I understand that this breakup is painful, but I have to ask, what are you really fighting for here?  Do you want her to be happy or in a bad relationship with you?  Because I get the sense that you are not actually interested in giving her the type of relationship she actually wants or needs.  That would be selfish."

- I'm fighting for us but before that I need to work on myself. If I can do that then I strongly believe that she would be in a more happy relationship with me. 

Edited September 8, 2023 by Keeves1

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

I think it does not hurt to atleast try to get her back

That's not necessarily true. 

If you don't listen to an ex who has drawn a boundary by breaking up with you, you could wind up irritating the crap out of her. 

[Rusty78]

If you really love Maria, let her go.

Work on you, not for her but for yourself. The gym is good, keep that up, it also helps keep your mind away from the ex... It sounds like you are somewhat dependent on her, women don't like that, women like strong men that have direction. Get your body and mind in shape. 

Maria has started dating, she wants to find someone for herself, that is not you. Let her go, you, (the same as most of us), have made mistakes. It's now the time for you to heal and learn from those mistakes. It will be easier to start fresh than to poke festering wounds from a bad relationship.

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

@ExpatInItaly. I think it does not hurt to atleast try to get her back .

Unfortunately you've been googling and reading those "get your ex back" sites because it seems like once you realized she's out there dating (just like you are) your ego was hurt.

It's doubtful she would want to go back to such bad treatment, including threatening to throw her out, dating other women while she still lived there and a multitude of relationship destroying behaviors.

Unfortunately you also seem to like to take chances and push the envelope in general.

For example you tried to invite yourself into a woman's house on the first meeting, pretending it was "a mistake", so you also figured "why not try, no downside". However it completely put her off and she was "busy" after that. So a lot of your envelope pushing and gambling actually backfires.

So the only reason you want your ex back is just another gambling thrill because she's seeing someone, you want to "win" her back.

If you wanted her, you would have treated her better all along. Perhaps rethink your general life strategies and reconsider using more integrity and less seeing what you can get away with.

[Keeves1]

UPDATE:  I felt that in this thread I did not specify or go deep into why I want my ex back and so on, so I will try to make it short. 

I want my ex back because I do believe that there is a possibility for me and her to come back together. Here is why I think so:

1. She has not deleted my photo of us om Instagram even if the picture was taken in 2020.
2. She has not blocked me om social media
3. Why did she tell me to write down 6 things I need to work on? Is it because she's love me? There must be a second thought behind that.
4. She listens to relationships songs on spotify. (This can mean alot of things though)

My plan was to wait 5 months and then reach out because that is also when her contract expires which means she will have to move out. The idea was that she would move to me when the contract expires but alot can happend in 5 months and she may or may not be a couple with this new guy. 

The new plan would for me to wait until the start of november to reach out to her. She moved out early August but the last time we spoke was 2 weeks ago where she wrote "I'm sorry but right now it is not possible" even If I did not ask her. I just wrote that I think about you and that I miss her.

When it is November that means it has gone 2 months. I need to atleast try because if I'm not then it would be too late and then I'll listen to what she has to say. My goal is of course to get her back but if she were to say "No" then all I want her to know is that I'm deeply sorry for how I treated her and etc... you know just to get that across. 

After that I could not do anything and that would unfortunately be the last goodbye which I hope is not the case!!
 

And also I got an answer from my GP. I have gotten a psychologist!! I will get more information as to when my next session would be

Edited September 19, 2023 by Keeves1

[d0nnivain]

So 5 months from now when she is over you, your plan is to swoop back into her life & upset all the hard work she has done to move forward.   The things she complained about:  lack of sex, you not respecting her; you not having a big heart take more than a few months to fix.  By then she may be with somebody else but you think you're gonna walk back in & sweep her off her feet.  

Let me add two things.  1).  That's immature & selfish.  It shows no growth.  more importantly 2) you have poor conflict resolution skills.  Every time you told her to move out or said you want the relationship to be over, you going to def-con 1 undermined the foundations of your relationship.  It chipped a little piece of her heart away each time, leaving her dying from 1,000 cuts.  You don't just fix that.  She has zero reason to trust you even if you say you have changed.  The changes you need to make take years, not a few months. 

 

I applaud you for trying to become a better person & sincerely hope you achieve your goal.  Your next GF will hopefully benefit from all the work you are doing but leave poor Maria alone.  You have done enough damage.  Don't go backwards in life.  

[Keeves1]

26 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

So 5 months from now when she is over you, your plan is to swoop back into her life & upset all the hard work she has done to move forward.   The things she complained about:  lack of sex, you not respecting her; you not having a big heart take more than a few months to fix.  By then she may be with somebody else but you think you're gonna walk back in & sweep her off her feet.  

Let me add two things.  1).  That's immature & selfish.  It shows no growth.  more importantly 2) you have poor conflict resolution skills.  Every time you told her to move out or said you want the relationship to be over, you going to def-con 1 undermined the foundations of your relationship.  It chipped a little piece of her heart away each time, leaving her dying from 1,000 cuts.  You don't just fix that.  She has zero reason to trust you even if you say you have changed.  The changes you need to make take years, not a few months. 

 

I applaud you for trying to become a better person & sincerely hope you achieve your goal.  Your next GF will hopefully benefit from all the work you are doing but leave poor Maria alone.  You have done enough damage.  Don't go backwards in life.  

Not 5 months but this November which is 2 months from now. But I get your point… I’m not saying that I’m a changed man after 2,3 or 8 months. I know things like that takes time and I do not expect it to be a over night thing. I’ll take it day by day. I have got help from my best friend, everyone here on this community and now a psychologist. 

5 months is a long time indeed and anything can happend like you mentioned… that she might have already found a guy she likes and wants to be with. Even I may have lost my feelings for her in 5 months time. 

That is why I will walk in to her life this November and ask if she wants to come back. Of course I’m not just going to say «I want you back» and then call it a day. I will say what I need to say and if she still says no then atleast I know my answer. In addition to that I will apologize for everything that I did and this is important for me as a sort of a «Closure» before I can happily close the door. 

So 1) Ask her to come back and see what she answers 2) If no then I ask for closure so we both can close the door and move on. 

Kinda drifted apart the point as to why I want to reach out in November instead. Well we all know that she has been on a first date already and she indicated that it went well. So by 5 months she and the guy would be together BUT if I come in early as November I might have a slight chance to stop that. 

I cannot fix it and there is nothing more I can do at this point but if she says yes then WE can work it out together. 

I know what I did and I know that this breakup was all my fault and this has really taken a toll on me and has affected my daily life lately. I’ve been crying every night, I’ve had my parents not showing any support and I’ve heard a million times that I need to change and that I messed up. I even got sick leave for 1 week from work. 

Hope is what’s getting me through the day and I WANT to try and ask her to come back. Who knows maybe she says yes? I don’t want to miss the opportunity! It can’t hurt to try right?
 

 

 

Edited September 19, 2023 by Keeves1

[d0nnivain]

Hopium is a dangerous drug.  

You fix what is wrong in a relationship by staying together & putting in the hard work to improve things as a team.  Once you break up it's over.  

Read a pop psychology book titled It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken.  It's written for women but you may get some insights.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Keeves1 said:

. I’ve been crying every night, I’ve had my parents not showing any support and I’ve heard a million times that I need to change and that I messed up. I even got sick leave for 1 week from work. 

It's great you got referred to a psychologist. Why don't you wait to talk to them before you make any decisions? 

[basil67]

How does Hanny fit into this equation?    If you're still focused on Maria, you have no business dating anyone else

 

[Keeves1]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Hopium is a dangerous drug.  

You fix what is wrong in a relationship by staying together & putting in the hard work to improve things as a team.  Once you break up it's over.  

Read a pop psychology book titled It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken.  It's written for women but you may get some insights.  

She was listening to Chemical by post malone and that song is about a toxic relationship that the narrator is struggling to break free from. It's a break up song and she has been listening to these kind of music for 2-3 weeks now. Does this not say anything to you? 

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm reading "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski at the moment 

[Keeves1]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you got referred to a psychologist. Why don't you wait to talk to them before you make any decisions? 

You mean by parents? I've told them everything that has happened between me and Maria @Wiseman2

Edited September 20, 2023 by Keeves1

[Keeves1]

Just now, Keeves1 said:

She was listening to Chemical by post malone and that song is about a toxic relationship that the narrator is struggling to break free from. It's a break up song and she has been listening to these kind of music for 2-3 weeks now. Does this not say anything to you? 

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm reading "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski at the moment 

@d0nnivain

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

1. She has not deleted my photo of us om Instagram even if the picture was taken in 2020.
2. She has not blocked me om social media
3. Why did she tell me to write down 6 things I need to work on? Is it because she's love me? There must be a second thought behind that.
4. She listens to relationships songs on spotify. (This can mean alot of things though)

1. Means nothing.

2. Means nothing.

3. Doesn't mean she loves you, It's for your future reference so you don't repeat the same mistakes with future relationships.

4. Means nothing because pretty much 90% of songs in the world are about relationships.

Kev, you told me you were going to leave her and her new guy alone, what happened there?

What you're doing is not healthy at all and it makes me worry about you.

You have a fixed idea of what you plan to do but you're not thinking about where she will be in that time.

She's dating someone, respect that.

You need to leave it be and stop keeping an eye on everything she is doing.

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

She was listening to Chemical by post malone and that song is about a toxic relationship that the narrator is struggling to break free from. It's a break up song and she has been listening to these kind of music for 2-3 weeks now. Does this not say anything to you? 

It says she is reminding herself that she is free from the toxic relationship she was in with you.

The songs likely serve as a reminder for her so she doesn't make the same mistakes.

[Keeves1]

6 minutes ago, JTSW said:

It says she is reminding herself that she is free from the toxic relationship she was in with you.

The songs likely serve as a reminder for her so she doesn't make the same mistakes.

"In the chorus, the narrator confesses that they can't let go of this relationship, even though they know it's toxic. The repetition of the line "it's chemical" suggests that the narrator feels trapped in this addictive, chemical bond with their partner.

Verse two further emphasizes the narrator's difficulty in breaking free from the relationship. They have tried to make a change in their life, but their partner keeps pulling them back in. The line "maybe there's no mistakes" might suggest that the narrator has resigned themselves to the idea that they are meant to be with this person, even if it's not healthy."

Copy and pasted this from songtell.com. It's a site where you can read the meaning of every song. Just the lyrics of that song and many other makes me believe that either she thinks about me or that she just generally like the melody of the song. 

When I was in a relationship with Maria she always says this song reminds me of you Kev and those songs are " Forest Blakk - If you love her" and "The few things - JP Saxe" So judging by that she does sometimes listen to music that relates to what she is feeling at the current time
 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

You mean by parents?..

Why not wait until you speak to the psychologist? You claim your parents don't understand you? However as a grown man, besides telling them your GF ended it and moved out, you really have to figure some things out for yourself. 

You seem to have insight into some selfish behaviors and your former GF even gave you a list in addition to verbally and repeatedly explaining what her issues with you were.

One step in the right direction for you could be to discontinue going into situations thinking "what's in this for me?",  "how can I use this person or situation to best suit me?". 

Like the walking the dog fiasco. You figured you would plan things to end up in her place. Perhaps you simply have too many self serving agendas? Including trying to get your ex back because she moved on?