Is it possible to get Ex back?

[Keeves1]

20 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

No I'm pretty sure of it. I'm pretty sure she's trying to fill the void of the breakup. She may not be feeling the way you're feeling and hurting but there will be a void for sure. I highly doubt this new date of hers will lead to anything. In some cases it can, but it's more like a rebound even for a dumper. 

Upon looking at the guy's picture it seems like he looks similar to me just like an asian version  I know I should not be stalking but I'm just curious hahaha

[Maldives]

2 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

Even if it's a void it can also lead to relationship. I may sound like an expert on that sentence but it all depends between her and the guy. They may also develop feelings for each other after 6 months while I'm working on myself. But like even if it appears to be a rebound after 6 months I can still try? it would not hurt to do so. Hahaha I've been reading this comment all over and it may come across as I'm a try hard but it's not like that! I'm just having my hopes up still! 

Haha I get how you feel. Well we'll just have to wait and see won't we. It sounds like your relationship was not working out. It's a hard pill to swallow for sure. When I say void I mean it's the void of the relationship 1 minute there was a relationship now there isn't so there's the void of that relationship now which no longer exists. Doesn't mean she's hurting and Gaeta is probably right depending on the person. She could be really relieved that it's over.  But I can't give you a definitive answer on her headspace lol or what and how she's feeling or thinking. I think in time you'll probably see. It was probably for the best. That is pretty difficult. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sex is an important part of a relationship for sure. 

[Keeves1]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I did hope he would come back because breakups are hard and demons we know are less scary than demons we don't know. I let time pass and slowly realized him & I had lost our connection. He made mistakes - I made mistakes and it lead to the end of our relationship. I learn what I had to learn from this and started with someone new, someone better suited for me. 

You can tell yourself you will contact her in 6 months if it helps you go through the day, by all means. In 6 months you will feel differently, the worse of the breakup will have passed. 

I don't want to highjack your thread with my story, let me tell you the people here were of a great support and were good at reminding me I deserved better. 

I think you made a great choice by letting the time pass by because it seems like you're in such a better place now with your beloved. 

Yes right now my hope are keeping me through the day really, but that is just a hope. I don't have any expectations either. "Hope" are helping me to get through the day which means I can have time to hit the gym and read a book etc.. to let the time pass. 

Btw thank you for reading and for spending your time to answer, Gaeta. I should thanks everyone! 

[Keeves1]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this seems to have gotten  you upset. It's not a good idea to discuss your dating lives with exes or try to stay friends or keep tabs on each other.  It's never good news when an ex starts dating someone else and that's why you need to step back.

Please don't use those "get your ex back" scams. They prey on brokenhearted people. None of their techniques work or make sense because the only person who can decide on reconciliation is the ex,so using gimmicks like "no contact" as a tool doesn't work.

It's good you're seeing your doctors and a psychologist if you're having difficulty adjusting to the breakup.

My "hope" are helping me to go about through my day really and when the time comes I will try to reach out to her. I know that you are saying that it's a scam but it does not hurt to try.

Thanks for taking your time and to reply, Wiseman! I really appreciate it!

[Keeves1]

9 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Haha I get how you feel. Well we'll just have to wait and see won't we. It sounds like your relationship was not working out. It's a hard pill to swallow for sure. When I say void I mean it's the void of the relationship 1 minute there was a relationship now there isn't so there's the void of that relationship now which no longer exists. Doesn't mean she's hurting and Gaeta is probably right depending on the person. She could be really relieved that it's over.  But I can't give you a definitive answer on her headspace lol or what and how she's feeling or thinking. I think in time you'll probably see. It was probably for the best. That is pretty difficult. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sex is an important part of a relationship for sure. 

Thank you for taking your time and to reply, Goodguy! I really appreciate it

[MsJayne]

41 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

If I had something in my heart I needed to say it to her even if she has gone to bed. 

  This is what I was referring to with the "self-obsessed" comment. If you're working on it and getting help that's great, it takes guts to acknowledge big personal flaws, but such disrespectful behaviour can create incredible resentment from the partner who's being subjected to it, and it's not easy to move past being treated badly in a relationship. You have a six month plan, but it's quite likely that in six months time you'll have moved past the angst of the breakup.

[Keeves1]

20 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Haha I get how you feel. Well we'll just have to wait and see won't we. When I say void I mean it's the void of the relationship 1 minute there was a relationship now there isn't so there's the void of that relationship now which no longer exists. Doesn't mean she's hurting and Gaeta is probably right depending on the person. She could be really relieved that it's over.  But I can't give you a definitive answer on her headspace lol or what and how she's feeling or thinking. I think in time you'll probably see.

Thank you for understanding how I feel and I'm sorry for misunderstanding what you meant by "void" I do understand now. Yes It really is hard to tell what she is thinking inside of her head and how she feels. For all that I know, she has rented a dorm for 6 months, so I think that is the perfect time to reach out to her again, but we will see when the time comes! I will come back in 6 months and give an update  If it so happends that she is not willing to reconcile then atleast I know that I have tried.

Edited September 6, 2023 by Keeves1

[Maldives]

2 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

Thank you for understanding how I feel and I'm sorry for misunderstanding what you meant by "void" I do understand now. Yes It really is hard to tell what she is thinking inside of her head and how she feels. For all that I know, she has rented a dorm for 6 months, so I think that is the perfect time to reach out to her again, but we will see when the time comes! I will come back in 6 months and give an update  If it so happends that she is not willing to reconcile then atleast I know that I have tried.

Nothing wrong with trying in fact it can help and facilitate moving on a lot faster it's worked for me. 

[Keeves1]

I want to thank everyone for taking their time to read and to comment. I feel a bit more calmer 

[basil67]

 

1 hour ago, Keeves1 said:

. If I were insisting on the no contact rule, when is a good timing to message Maria? 
 

If you contact Maria, then it's not No Contact!   The whole point of NC is to get over someone....and let me tell you, it works!  Yes the heartbreak is tough in the beginning but the more we are without them, the easier it gets.  I remember one breakup where I thought I would die from the pain, but the longer it was without him in my life the easier it got. Within a couple of months, the tears dried up.  The anger stayed longer, but not having to see him was instrumental in my recovery.

Then there was my previous marriage.  It took me too long to leave - but when I finally left, I was so done that I all I felt was relief.  So when it came to dating, I hit the ground running!  I met my now husband after having been separated for only two months and we've been happy together for 30+ years.  Not once have I looked back.  The same could happen to Maria...or not.  Perhaps she will be single for a while.  There really is no rule for how she will move on.  

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Keeves1 said:

1. Sayings thinks like "move out" after a fights is a hurtful word. Same as "I'm not happy in this relationship". I need to think twice before I say something. 
2. I always complained about my problems at work. She came home from work already tired so me complaining draining her. 
3. I was selfish and did not think about her at times. Example: Grocery shopping without buying her favourite snack etc..
4. I cannot take a joke. She complained that she could do nothing when it comes to joking or having banter.
5. I do not have a big heart.
6. I do not respect her time. If I had something in my heart I needed to say it to her even if she has gone to bed. 

1. Yes, this is really bad

2. Did she ask you to stop complaining?  Or did she never tell you it was an issue?

3. I really don't see a problem with what you did.  If she wants a thing from the shop, she needs to put it on the list

4. Perhaps her jokes were rude or offensive.  Thing is, if you're not laughing, then her jokes aren't funny.  Also, some people wrap their abuse in the phrase "joke" to minimise the harm they cause

5. How so?

6. Indeed. Don't wake someone up unless it's life or death

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

Yes it was about sex but then I came back now and wrote the whole history as to why we broke up. Maria was unhappy because I was hurting her mentally by my words and behaviour. She lost interest in the sex part because I was stressing her out everyday with my complaints about my colleagues. She has even said that it's too much. We both stopped communicating really because I was hurting from all the arguments and fights we had. It took me a bit long time to get over it and it was at one point I went to the balcony and cried. 

We both did not feel heard. Often times when we had arguments she was the one who raised her voice and was just outburst with anger. The same happend to me. We could not solve the problems because of that and the next day when she wanted to solve this I was saying that I did not want to hear it.

What do you mean by that I'm self-obsessed?

I don't have a choice really do I? I cannot send her a message telling her to stop dating. I just want her back and I'm willing to try to wait 6 months before sending contacting her. If she does not reconcile then that is my signal to move on

What is going to change if the two of you somehow get back together? The two of you tried for four years to make it as a couple and it didn't work, obviously. Unless both of you are ready and willing to do massive work on yourself individually and really really really learn how to talk to talk and listen to each other effectively there is little hope that things are going to get better second time around. The two of you are not married and don't have kids together so I think it is better to move on. It is important that you learn from your mistakes and to try not to repeat them in a new relationship.

P.S. You gave this woman only two weeks to move out of your place when things were over. And you already had a date with someone else (or tried to go on a date with someone) while still living together. Have to say, this was not very respectful.  And please be completely honest with the two women that you went on a date with that you are nowhere near over your ex. Don't lead anybody on, even unintentionally. 

[Alpacalia]

I got back with an ex and it was one of the best decisions at the time. We ran into each other by pure chance and he pursued me heavily. Initially I wasn't interested (had my eye on someone else, but he wore me down, lol). Before getting back together we had a very honest conversation where we addressed the issues that happened in our initial relationship so that we would be on the same page going forward.

We had a great friendship and a great relationship for several years during our time together. Even though it was one of the best decisions in terms of closeness and companionship, I still had to end it eventually because I wanted to experience single life. It was a difficult decision, but ultimately the right one. Things may have worked out differently if I stayed with my ex, but I'm glad I listened to my heart and followed through with the decision as it was the right thing for me. There were no fights or animosity and we still periodically stay in contact, now, as friends.

Not saying it can't happen with your ex but it is a highly unlikely outcome and depends a lot on how you were left off and the reasons for the break up in the first place. It is best to take some time to focus on yourself, reflect and accept the breakup, and then start learning to enjoy being single again before considering a potential reunion.

You may come to find that there is a new spark somewhere else and a much better fit for you too - do not be afraid to be open to the possibility! You need to think long and hard about whether you are choosing to return to an old flame just for sake of comfort and familiarity or if it really is the best thing for you in the long run. From what you wrote, it sounds like you need to focus on self-improvement and taking care of yourself right now.

Accept the breakup is over and the closure it provides. Work on yourself and focus on enjoying new things. This will prevent you from rushing into a relationship for the wrong reasons.

Crying every night is not healthy and is masking the necessary work you need to do on yourself. Make sure to talk to your GP and find methods to address this distress. Lastly, avoid social media stalkings, it won’t help you. Social media can be very deceiving and easily make people doubt themselves. It’s your life, take control and make real changes and consider your wellbeing.

[JTSW]

Keeves, leave your ex alone and stop stalking her and her new guy.

I say this out of love and respect for you.

You're a good guy that just wants to be happy with someone who loves you.

Your ex is not that person.

Maybe you just need to be on your own for a while and work on yourself like you said.

[Keeves1]

10 hours ago, Alvi said:

What is going to change if the two of you somehow get back together? The two of you tried for four years to make it as a couple and it didn't work, obviously. Unless both of you are ready and willing to do massive work on yourself individually and really really really learn how to talk to talk and listen to each other effectively there is little hope that things are going to get better second time around. The two of you are not married and don't have kids together so I think it is better to move on. It is important that you learn from your mistakes and to try not to repeat them in a new relationship.

P.S. You gave this woman only two weeks to move out of your place when things were over. And you already had a date with someone else (or tried to go on a date with someone) while still living together. Have to say, this was not very respectful.  And please be completely honest with the two women that you went on a date with that you are nowhere near over your ex. Don't lead anybody on, even unintentionally. 

Thank you for reply, Alvi

When you get comfortable with your loved ones and say everything on your mind and also act on instinct it sort of became a bad habit of mine without me realizing that I was the problem. Now that we have broken up I finally see what I have lost… 

We tried for four years.. but it was Maria that was more patient with me. One of her last words was «I’ve given you three chances»

I cannot say for sure what is going to change, it is a difficult question to answer but I strongly believe that if I have worked on myself and if she is willing to reconcile then our relationship would be compatible and she would be happy as she were in the beginning of the relationship.

You mentioned that we have to do massive work, learn how to talk and listen. That is something I have to learn not Maria. 

Yes she told me that it was not respectful to date someone while she still lived with me and I apologized. I still went on the date but she was not my type so I stopped dating her and told Maria that it is nothing between me and her.

Thanks Alvi. I will tell those two women that I’m not over my ex

 

 

Edited September 7, 2023 by Keeves1

[Keeves1]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I got back with an ex and it was one of the best decisions at the time. We ran into each other by pure chance and he pursued me heavily. Initially I wasn't interested (had my eye on someone else, but he wore me down, lol). Before getting back together we had a very honest conversation where we addressed the issues that happened in our initial relationship so that we would be on the same page going forward.

We had a great friendship and a great relationship for several years during our time together. Even though it was one of the best decisions in terms of closeness and companionship, I still had to end it eventually because I wanted to experience single life. It was a difficult decision, but ultimately the right one. Things may have worked out differently if I stayed with my ex, but I'm glad I listened to my heart and followed through with the decision as it was the right thing for me. There were no fights or animosity and we still periodically stay in contact, now, as friends.

Not saying it can't happen with your ex but it is a highly unlikely outcome and depends a lot on how you were left off and the reasons for the break up in the first place. It is best to take some time to focus on yourself, reflect and accept the breakup, and then start learning to enjoy being single again before considering a potential reunion.

You may come to find that there is a new spark somewhere else and a much better fit for you too - do not be afraid to be open to the possibility! You need to think long and hard about whether you are choosing to return to an old flame just for sake of comfort and familiarity or if it really is the best thing for you in the long run. From what you wrote, it sounds like you need to focus on self-improvement and taking care of yourself right now.

Accept the breakup is over and the closure it provides. Work on yourself and focus on enjoying new things. This will prevent you from rushing into a relationship for the wrong reasons.

Crying every night is not healthy and is masking the necessary work you need to do on yourself. Make sure to talk to your GP and find methods to address this distress. Lastly, avoid social media stalkings, it won’t help you. Social media can be very deceiving and easily make people doubt themselves. It’s your life, take control and make real changes and consider your wellbeing.

You followed your heart and I’m happy that you are happy where you are now. I mean you could also always get back together with him if you change your mind and if he is also willing to

I’m not sure if we left off good or bad but sort of like a rollercoaster. The mutual agreement that took place was calm and went smoothly but later when I went on a date with another girl while she still was ine the process of moving out is not respectful. The reason for breakup was because of me and she has even said that «She gave me three chances» I guess what she meant by that is that even if I hurted her she was still patient and willing to work with me. 

Mhm… You could say that the breakup came off as bad

I’m reading a book recommended by Els on this forum and it’s called «Come as you are» 

I’ve also been downloading an app called «Headspace» just to help me practise mindfullness. I have also been hitting the gym

The process has already started hopefully! 

Yes my mental health after the breakup has gotten worse and I also have adjustmenr disorder so things like this is affecting me  

 

[Keeves1]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

Keeves, leave your ex alone and stop stalking her and her new guy.

I say this out of love and respect for you.

You're a good guy that just wants to be happy with someone who loves you.

Your ex is not that person.

Maybe you just need to be on your own for a while and work on yourself like you said.

Thank you JTSW! I will leave them alone and take my time off to work on myself.
 

This might me a long shot but do you or someone on this thread willing to help me a bit? I’m not asking that you are going to be my therapist or psychologist but I have questions that I need answers to!

[JTSW]

8 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

Thank you JTSW! I will leave them alone and take my time off to work on myself.
 

This might me a long shot but do you or someone on this thread willing to help me a bit? I’m not asking that you are going to be my therapist or psychologist but I have questions that I need answers to!

I am very happy to help you out

[Keeves1]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

1. Yes, this is really bad

2. Did she ask you to stop complaining?  Or did she never tell you it was an issue?

3. I really don't see a problem with what you did.  If she wants a thing from the shop, she needs to put it on the list

4. Perhaps her jokes were rude or offensive.  Thing is, if you're not laughing, then her jokes aren't funny.  Also, some people wrap their abuse in the phrase "joke" to minimise the harm they cause

5. How so?

6. Indeed. Don't wake someone up unless it's life or death

1. I know. I say alot of hurtful words when I’m angry or if I’m stressed

2. She did not ask me to stop. She says that it is fine that I come to her to complain but tht she want me to keep it consistent. I did it almost everyday and at the end she told me to stop.

3. I asked her is she wanted anything from the grocery shop and she said no but when I came home she did expect that atleast I could think of her and buy a snack or whatever. But that is one example. When she is out with her best friends she often times come home and are bringing me funko pop (collectible figures) that cost around 30$. I think she means that I also could spend around the same amount of money if I’m out with friends and buy her things like that. 
 

4. No because everytime I called her out on it she is always saying «you need to stop thinking negative. Why would I joke in an offensive way or say it is joke to minimize harm?» and proceeds to say: «I’m your GF I don’t do jokes like that» 

I was the one who took her joke seriously so she stopped eventually but how do I seperate if it is a pure joke or if that joke is harmful?

5. I don’t have a big heart because when we are arguing or have fight I’m the one who take longer time to recover. Sometimes in a fight she suddendly stops saying anything and I get it, she does that to not make me even more furious but it does not work and I get angry. Sort of difficult to come with an example here though 

6. Yes not only did I disturb her sleeping but when we have made plans to go out for example she is always ready before me. She hates to run down to get to the train and she likes to walk and have good time to catch the train. She always end up waiting for me because I take much longer to get ready lol

I went on a date while she were still in the moving process so that is another example of me not being respectful to her

Edited September 7, 2023 by Keeves1

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Keeves1 said:

You followed your heart and I’m happy that you are happy where you are now. I mean you could also always get back together with him if you change your mind and if he is also willing to

I’m not sure if we left off good or bad but sort of like a rollercoaster. The mutual agreement that took place was calm and went smoothly but later when I went on a date with another girl while she still was ine the process of moving out is not respectful. The reason for breakup was because of me and she has even said that «She gave me three chances» I guess what she meant by that is that even if I hurted her she was still patient and willing to work with me. 

Mhm… You could say that the breakup came off as bad

I’m reading a book recommended by Els on this forum and it’s called «Come as you are» 

I’ve also been downloading an app called «Headspace» just to help me practise mindfullness. I have also been hitting the gym

The process has already started hopefully! 

Yes my mental health after the breakup has gotten worse and I also have adjustmenr disorder so things like this is affecting me

Yes, it was right at the time. But that was a long time ago and we're both in very different places now.

Those sound like good recommendations and you're doing wonderful things for yourself!

Not when I was going through a break up but a book I love, the "Untethered Soul," I really enjoyed.

I'm a bit of an imaginist and this book is full of beautiful metaphors and concepts that help you explore yourself and how you connect with the world. 

Be patient with yourself as you do this. Okay?

[Keeves1]

21 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, it was right at the time. But that was a long time ago and we're both in very different places now.

Those sound like good recommendations and you're doing wonderful things for yourself!

Not when I was going through a break up but a book I love, the "Untethered Soul," I really enjoyed.

I'm a bit of an imaginist and this book is full of beautiful metaphors and concepts that help you explore yourself and how you connect with the world. 

Be patient with yourself as you do this. Okay?

I will keep the recommendations in mind and hopefully I will buy this book after I finish reading this one. 

I will try my best to be patient with myself during this. Thanks alot, Alpacalia

[Keeves1]

Mental health update and Maria + some questions

I went to see my GP today and she told me that she will refer me to DPS which is sort of the Norwegian health care center for people that is struggling with mental illness etc... They treats people like me. But she also made me aware that from 1st september there are new rules regarding this and the rules are that if the persons health is really that bad for example "Suicidal thought" then the DPS will take the person right in. I'm not guaranteed a place as DPS will look for a conversational specialist or a psychologist for me. 

Unfortunately it seems like the rules have been more strict in Norway which in my case is not good. The last time I went to see a psychologist was 2 years ago and when the treatment was finished the psychologist recommended me to get a conversational specialist but I have not succeeded. My menthal health is even worse after the breakup which I told my GP and she then recommended me to seek a private psychologist but in Norway they take around 300USD for 90 minutes which is expensiveeee. Don't misunderstand me, I know it's just a breakup but it's more than that. I've always needed a conversational specialist but since I did not succeed and that I'm grieving the mental health is worse than before

I really don't have anyone to talk to besides Loveshack... sadly  my parents are not helping either as they always say things like "when I was old things was solved like this and that".

I don't have any choice and I will have to pay that amount to get proffesional help meanwhile I wait for DPS to answer the refering that my GP did. 

Also an update regarding Maria: She has now unfollowed me on Instagram.

Questions: There will be my birthday soon (22nd november) and christmas and the new years. I don't know if Maria would congratulate me on my birthday but if she are then I'm just going to write "Thank you" and nothing more. The questions is: Should I send her a message saying "Merry Christmas" and "Happy new year"? Will that break the no contact rule?

Speaking of the new years... that would be our 4 year anniversary

Edited September 7, 2023 by Keeves1

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

Also an update regarding Maria: She has now unfollowed me on Instagram.

Questions: There will be my birthday soon (22nd november) and christmas and the new years. I don't know if Maria would congratulate me on my birthday but if she are then I'm just going to write "Thank you" and nothing more. The questions is: Should I send her a message saying "Merry Christmas" and "Happy new year"? Will that break the no contact rule?
 

She unfollowed you, which means she's moving on.   This means there is a very low chance of hearing from her on your birthday, Christmas and NY. 

I'm glad you are seeking mental health support

[Gaeta]

@Keeves1 : search for a support group or ask your medical clinic if they know supports groups. 

Google: seperation/divorce support group near me and l'm sure you'll find something.

Don't think of xmas, you'll cross that bridge when you get there. Concentrate on today.

[Acacia98]

19 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

1. I know. I say alot of hurtful words when I’m angry or if I’m stressed

2. She did not ask me to stop. She says that it is fine that I come to her to complain but tht she want me to keep it consistent. I did it almost everyday and at the end she told me to stop.

3. I asked her is she wanted anything from the grocery shop and she said no but when I came home she did expect that atleast I could think of her and buy a snack or whatever. But that is one example. When she is out with her best friends she often times come home and are bringing me funko pop (collectible figures) that cost around 30$. I think she means that I also could spend around the same amount of money if I’m out with friends and buy her things like that. 
 

4. No because everytime I called her out on it she is always saying «you need to stop thinking negative. Why would I joke in an offensive way or say it is joke to minimize harm?» and proceeds to say: «I’m your GF I don’t do jokes like that» 

I was the one who took her joke seriously so she stopped eventually but how do I seperate if it is a pure joke or if that joke is harmful?

5. I don’t have a big heart because when we are arguing or have fight I’m the one who take longer time to recover. Sometimes in a fight she suddendly stops saying anything and I get it, she does that to not make me even more furious but it does not work and I get angry. Sort of difficult to come with an example here though 

6. Yes not only did I disturb her sleeping but when we have made plans to go out for example she is always ready before me. She hates to run down to get to the train and she likes to walk and have good time to catch the train. She always end up waiting for me because I take much longer to get ready lol

I went on a date while she were still in the moving process so that is another example of me not being respectful to her

I'm so glad that @basil67 responded to your list of your perceived flaws item by item because your response to her confirms something I suspected: You were not the only one who had issues in this relationship.

I agree with those who say that you had selfish traits. But I also think your ex was being a bit unreasonable in (3). I mean, you actually asked her if you could get her something and she said "No." Your asking if she wanted something was a considerate action. Her saying "No" then expecting you to figure out that she meant something different was a bit much.

In (4), I have no idea whether her jokes were insensitive or not. If you have difficulty figuring out whether her jokes were hurtful, you can try posting some examples here and we'll tell you what we think.