Wife is in contact with a co-worker

[NiallL]

My wife and I met 23 years ago. We are married 17 years and we have three children rainging from 7 years old to 14 years old. Last December I discovered that my wife was in contact with a male co-worker who started working in her company about 3 months prior. Before last December I never had any issues in terms of trusting my wife. I trusted her 110% and never questioned her about anything in relation to nights out, work friends or anything else because I had full trust in her. I never thought she would go behind my back and communicate with someone in an inapropriate manner.

After Covid and lockdown restrictions my wife was very reluctant to go back into the office. She was going in maybe once a week if even. Around October last year she started going into work more often, 2 days a week and I noticed that she was making a big effort in looking well going to work. Let me say, my wife is beautiful, she has been going to her Gym 3 times a week and at almost 45 years old you would never think she had given birth to 3 children and she looks younger than her age.

Her male co-worker is 39 years old and married with 2 children. They had been communicating via whatsapp on her work phone and she went out one night with her friends and left her work phone at home. I discovered on her work phone hat they had been spending considerable time talking to each other after work hours when she was finised in the Gym after work before returning home. The last message I seen onb her work phone that night was her sending him her personal phone number so they could keep in touch that night when she was out with her friends.

For the next couple of days after the night out I kept an eye on my wife's activity and she was constantly on her phone. I confronted her on it and she said that her male co-worker had paid her complements and it made her feel really good about herself but that there was nothing for me to worry about. She changed the pin number on her work phone and I was not able to check it after this.

I then decided to check her location via our car which has built in tracking. I discovered on 3 different occasions after work that she was parked in 2 different carparks when she said she was either working late or gone to the shops but what she said did not tie in with what I could see on the car location. I also found photos of her in her deleted photos in various stages of undress but not totally nude, one of which was a picture of her breasts exposed. She never sent these pictures to me so my assumption was that she sent them to her co-worker.

I confronted her again and she said that yes she had met up with him on those occasions after work but that they were only talking about work stuff. This has contined on since last December now. In April I seen her unl;ocking her work phone and I knew her pin again. I checked her work phone again and there were a few occasions when I had checked that the co-worker had messaaged her but she had not had a chance to reply to the messages. Each of these times there was only one message in the thread so I knew that she was obviously messaging him back and deleting the conversation then straight away. I confronted her again and yes, she said once again that I had nothing to worry about that it was purely friendship, which I truly do not belieeve now.

She has since started to power off her work phone after getting home from work and she has a startup pin on the phone now which I do not know. I am by no means what you would call a perfect husband. I have caused issues over the years in terms of financial matters which I had kept hidden from my wife. I have never cheated on her or I have never had any inappropriate contact with any femal co-workers or any other females for that matter. I love my wife som much and the thoughts of having to end our relationship fill me with fear and anxiety. I am not sleeping well at night, it is constantly on my mind. I am at my wits end and do not know what to do.

As recent as last week I can see that she still has occasional phone calls with him on her personal phone when she does not have her work phone to hand. I have also seen that she is taking let's say 15-20 minutes longer that she should be taking to get home from work or the gym. I can see that she is stopping the car on the way home and I am assuming that she is sitting in the car on the phone to him before she gets home. As recent as three weeks ago I seen more inappropriate pictures in her deleted photos folder.

I'm at a point now that I am thinking of telling her that I know that she is still in contact with him and that I want to end our relationship. This has eroded my self confidence and self esteem and I am at the lowest point I have ever been. I was thinking of phoning this co-worker to warn him off my wife but ultimately I don't think that will make any difference if she still wants to be in contact with him. We have talked and I have told her taht I want us to grow old together and she has said the same and that she would never want to leave me. I don't understand why she is still in contact with him if she says she feels that way about me. I constantly complemet her and tell her how beautiful she is. I do everything I can to help around the hous and help with responsibilites with our children yet I feel like I am being treated like a doormat. Please advise as I am at a loss.

Thanks in advance.

Edited September 6, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Weezy1973]

For me, once trust is lost, so is the relationship. She’s lied to you multiple times. Do not play the “pick me” game. See a lawyer. Get advice on starting divorce proceedings. She will continue to lie, so no need to keep confronting her. Just tell her you no longer trust her, and therefore the relationship is over and you’re filing for divorce. Keep healthy. Exercise. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Make sure your kids no you love them and this has nothing to do with them. Don’t bad mouth your wife to them. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, NiallL said:

. She has since started to power off her work phone after getting home from work and she has a startup pin on the phone now which I do not know.

Do they only communicate on her work phone. The work phone should be confidential since it and it's contents are company properly. She is wise to keep it locked and powered off.

Please consider marriage therapy if you want to work things out. Especially get the cards on the table about finances and other issues.

Edited September 6, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

She is 100% having an affair with this guy and it couldn't be more obvious.

She constantly talks and texts with him.

She sends him risqué photos of herself. 

She is meeting up with him regularly. 

She has broken your trust completely so I would sit her down and tell her you know what she has been doing and you no longer want to be with her.

She will try to give you all the excuses under the sun but you have seen all the proof for yourself.

[BaileyB]

20 hours ago, NiallL said:

I was thinking of phoning this co-worker to warn him off my wife but ultimately I don't think that will make any difference if she still wants to be in contact with him.

Your problem is not the coworker, but your wife’s lack of boundaries. She is disrespecting you and your relationship by continuing contact with this other man. You are not wrong to want to feel secure in your marriage - to know that your wife is protecting your marriage and your family the same way that you are. I’m very sorry this is happening.

[BaileyB]

20 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Do not play the “pick me” game. See a lawyer. Get advice on starting divorce proceedings.

This may be the only thing that will cause her to reconsider at this point. Perhaps, when presented with a hard consequence, things will get a little more real for her and she will gain a bit more clarity…

[mark clemson]

If it were me, I think I would bring together all legitimate "evidence" of what's going on and discuss with my wife. I'd tell her I'm uncomfortable with "whatever's going on" and insist that she end all contact with this person. She can find other friends who don't feel to you like a threat to your marriage. She should be willing to do this as I think most people understand at a core level that compromises and giving up SOME of the things we might want in life to a reasonable extent are necessary to maintain a relationship long term.

You could consider speaking with a lawyer if you choose to do something similar as there may be laws in your jurisdiction about e.g. phone snooping (the US has such laws) AND it's at least a possibility that this discussion could become confrontational and/or require "ultimatums" to be enforced, and end in a separation or similar. For myself, I think I would choose to take that risk rather than living in the distress you describe, but you are you and might feel differently.

If you believe or come to believe she had a physical affair with this man, then I suppose you will take whatever action you feel is appropriate WRT that.

[SurfCity]

How much money did you lose and how long did you keep it a secret? Did you lose it by gambling? When did you lose all this money and how did she find out? 

She may have never healed over this breach of trust and that may be why she's behaving like this with her coworker. You should see if she'll go to marriage counseling with you.

[Lewhawk]

Sorry you’re here bud. Your financial issues have nothing to do with her behavior, from what you’ve posted the chances that she hasn’t slept with him are slim. Just divorce her and move on with your life

[stillafool]

I agree with you to tell her you know what she's been up to with her co worker and you no longer want her, and you're filing for divorce.   That will wipe'the happy in an affair' look right off of her face.  Don't worry, she will soon fall to her knees begging you not to leave her.  Why?  because the other man doesn't want her.  He wants his own wife and kids.  When he finds out you know what they've been up to he will immediately go into self protection mode and back away from your wife.  He will be in fear you will contact his wife and blow up his life.  He only wants a little fun with your wife not to take her away from you. This will leave her even more devastated and make her turn away from him and back to you.  You can then decide whether you want to go through therapy, marriage counseling, whatever and keep her.  Personally I'd move on if I were you.

Edited September 7, 2023 by stillafool

[S2B]

I’d let her know how much you know - which then leads to the fact that there is SO much more that you don’t know.

and let her know you’ve packed her one bag and want her to leave immediately.

she did this - there are consequences for bad behavior. 

then file for divorce. She’s not the woman she once was… and this version of who she is - isn’t one you want to live with. 

you can’t make her end an affair - it’s addicting - and she may never be satisfied with just being married again.

there no sense in waiting for her to change - she may never do that. Especially if she still wants the OM more than a mundane marriage. 

so you move forward knowing you don’t deserve to be cheated on. Don’t even argue with her about it - just let her know you won’t live with her since this is who she is.

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, SurfCity said:

How much money did you lose and how long did you keep it a secret? Did you lose it by gambling? When did you lose all this money and how did she find out? 

She may have never healed over this breach of trust and that may be why she's behaving like this with her coworker. You should see if she'll go to marriage counseling with you.

Past financial issues have nothing to do with her behaviour. 

[Rubix Cubed]

Tell his wife and see how quick that stops things.

[Lisa]

Looks like a drive by