Why can't they go through with it?

[Love4TOW]

I am new here but after reading many threads there is an overall vibe I’m getting. That vibe is that the marriage should be preserved, and being The Other Woman is wrong.

First let me say I respect those opinions, and I’m sure if I keep reading I will find some advice that doesn’t always push the AP to leave the MM or MW.

My situation, heavily summarized. 3 years ago I got separated. I had a very good male friend that was married. I never made a pass at him, never even a suggestion. He was always a perfect gentleman and I always felt like he was looking out for me like a big brother. I mention this because once we became lovers, both of our exes assumed we had been having an affair prior.

Despite having been just friends for years, when he kissed me that first time- I knew I was in trouble. He had moved out, filed for divorce but he was not officially divorced.

We fell in love in 2 short weeks, and we fell HARD. His marriage was destroying him. Even though his wife wasn’t guilty of any of the three A’s (adultery, abuse, addiction), she made him miserable. Once their children were born she didn’t want to have sex anymore. Furthermore, she was a SAHM with a house cleaner, car washer, and all the money a woman could want. She loved her lifestyle but it was clear she didn’t love him. She wouldn’t have deep or meaningful discussions with him. All she seemed to care about (from his perspective), was the kids. They had lost so much connection and intimacy that he started abusing opiates. So, to say his marriage was “killing him” isn’t too far off.

I believe he deserves happiness, and I believe in love- true love. I believe “faking it” in front of your kids is modeling bad relationship patterns for the kids. Yes, divorce is all too common, and marriage is sacred. However, sometimes divorce is the best decision of all.

He filed for divorce 2.5 years ago. Then, in September of last year, he dismissed his divorce! He didn’t give me a heads up (so cruel). He told me the whole thing was just a big manipulation. Their divorce had already racked up $200K plus in legal fees, so he wanted to show her (and his kids) that he would give the marriage one more try. He NEVER moved back home to her. He told me it was a “fake reconciliation” because he isn’t in love with her, was never in love with her, and can barely look at her. But he wanted to show her he tried, so that by the time he filed for divorce a second time, she wouldn’t be so adversarial and they could get it done faster. Also, he needed to do it because of his guilt.

I am not a fool. I whole heartedly believe his attempts at reconciliation were real. He knew the situation hurt me deeply so I think he manipulated me to thinking it was less than it was. Fast forward to now: he still hasn’t RE filed for divorce. He still hasn’t moved home. He has been extremely generous and loving to me. He will come over and make dinner for my kids, takes my mom to the airport, and jumps to my every whim and need. He has promised me that when his divorce is final, he and I can be married. Blah, blah, blah, right?

Given that it has been 3 years, and the kids are adjusted to mom and dad not being together, why, why, why won’t he file again? What am I missing?

Thank you!

[JTSW]

14 minutes ago, Love4TOW said:

Given that it has been 3 years, and the kids are adjusted to mom and dad not being together, why, why, why won’t he file again? What am I missing?

Because he has no intention of filing.

He only stopped the last one because it was costing him a fortune.

She has a lot of hold on him which is stopping him from filing, like she could take him for every penny he has and more.

Then bankrupt him with child support payments.

Its more beneficial for him to stay married to her and feeding you BS in the meantime.

Edited September 5, 2023 by JTSW

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

Given that it has been 3 years, and the kids are adjusted to mom and dad not being together, why, why, why won’t he file again? What am I missing?

He has things exactly as he wants them right now. 

You have clearly decided that the wife is a terrible person - she hasn’t had sex with her husband since she had children, she does not work and nothing around the house, she stays for the money and the lifestyle, she doesn’t listen or support him - totally focused on the kids…

Your problem is not with his wife though, it’s with your MM.

Either he is lazy, or you are not getting the whole story about his “reconciliation,” or he’s not ready to truly commit and marry you, or it is advantageous in some way for him not to file for divorce but to continue with these two relationships as they are… only he knows what is holding him back. 

How much longer are you going to wait for him?

 

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

I am not a fool. I whole heartedly believe his attempts at reconciliation were real.

I believe that he has manipulated you both. After pursuing you for an affair, discovery and separation, and now three years since his return home - you can’t say that he isn’t a manipulator and he has manipulated you both int his little drama of his creation. 

The truth is - he knew it would hurt you to go back - and he did it anyway…

Why do you stay? 

Edited September 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

Their divorce had already racked up $200K plus in legal fees, so he wanted to show her (and his kids) that he would give the marriage one more try. He NEVER moved back home to her. 

Sorry this is happening. Where does he live now?  Have you been to his home? Are they legally separated at this point?

Edited September 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

He told me the whole thing was just a big manipulation. Their divorce had already racked up $200K plus in legal fees, so he wanted to show her (and his kids) that he would give the marriage one more try. … by the time he filed for divorce a second time, she wouldn’t be so adversarial and they could get it done faster. 

This just doesn’t sound right to me. I would assume that he will have to pay more legal fees the second time that he files for divorce? Who does that? And - the longer he stays with her, the more he will owe her in spousal support/alimony. The longer he drags this out, the more she will get of their pension/investments. He’s not really showing them anything - if anything, as the saying goes, she will laugh all the way to the bank. 
 

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

He didn’t give me a heads up (so cruel). He told me the whole thing was just a big manipulation. He told me it was a “fake reconciliation” because he isn’t in love with her, was never in love with her, and can barely look at her.

What does this say about the character of the man you have chosen for yourself? 

Edited September 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[JTSW]

It is very obvious that he simply just isn't being honest with you.

They clearly came to some sort of agreement before the for first filing was complete.

Something tells me that she found out he was seeing someone and he knew he would get screwed in the divorce battle.

Regardless of the fact that he didn't love her, he still committed adultery.

So he chose to stay married to her.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

I believe he deserves happiness

As is often said on this board, nobody “deserves” happiness. He makes decisions for his life, as we all do, and whatever happiness he finds will depend on the quality of his decisions. 

I doubt that “guilt” was the primary factor in his decision to call off the divorce two and half years into the negotiations. More likely, he discovered what divorce was going to cost him and that has caused his hesitation to sign on the dotted line. 

Either that, or he is truly that divided and conflict avoidant - and again, what does that say about his commitment to your relationship? How do you trust him after what he’s done to you? 

But then again, if it’s been a year and he still hasn’t moved home - that’s not really a “reconciliation” - is it? That is, assuming that he has moved out and/or he’s not staying over. 

If you follow the logic above, they all deserve happiness. What kind of happiness can be found in this situation where their father “reconciles” but doesn’t move home? He holds his wife up from getting her settlement and being able to move on with her life. She deserves happiness to and clearly - her happiness if not to be found with this guy. 

Edited September 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

He has been extremely generous and loving to me

The same man who didn't yell you he was calling off his divorce, right? Which you described as a cruel move? You may want to revise your definition of "loving" here. You have blinders on to some significantly unloving behaviour from him towards you. 

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

He has promised me that when his divorce is final, he and I can be married. Blah, blah, blah, right?

Right. I hope you don't think you will marry this man. Snowball's chance in hell of that happening. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

His marriage was destroying him. Even though his wife wasn’t guilty of any of the three A’s (adultery, abuse, addiction), she made him miserable. Once their children were born she didn’t want to have sex anymore. Furthermore, she was a SAHM with a house cleaner, car washer, and all the money a woman could want. She loved her lifestyle but it was clear she didn’t love him. She wouldn’t have deep or meaningful discussions with him. All she seemed to care about (from his perspective), was the kids. They had lost so much connection and intimacy that he started abusing opiates. So, to say his marriage was “killing him” isn’t too far off.

Were you in the house with them to know that all of the above is true?  MM involved in affairs lie about their wives.  His marriage was "killing him" yet he stopped the divorce after spending $200,000.  So he chose to just throw that money away only to refile at a future date and spend even more money to get divorced?  When something doesn't make sense it's usually a lie.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

 Even though his wife wasn’t guilty of any of the three A’s (adultery, abuse, addiction), he started abusing opiates. 

Interestingly he has 2 out of three of these. It was his choice to abuse opiates, his wife didn't "drive him to it". Hopefully she can unload him shortly. He seems like someone of  very poor character compared to her.

Edited September 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

It’s probably best cutting your losses. Sadly he’s been introduced to your family - hopefully your kids haven’t been too attached or your mum. 

For all intents and purposes he did seem on track for divorcing his ex. He just changed his mind. Have you asked him point blank if he is going to file? What has he said? 

What is stopping you from kicking him to the curb and saying “call back when it’s final, bud”? Do you actually need someone like this in your life? What is the point if he’s not giving you want you want? Isn’t it one sided and not mutually agreeable? 

[BaileyB]

If you look at this relationship objectively - you are in love with a man who you know is manipulative, dishonest, untrustworthy, and unfaithful. How do we know that? Because he has cheated on his wife, he is manipulating and deceiving her with this fake “reconciliation,” and he manipulated you and deceived you into thinking that he was going to divorce - only to betray your trust. A cruel thing to do, as you say. 

Cruel to his wife and children, to fake reconciliation when he has no intention of reuniting the family (as you believe). Cruel to you, to continue in your relationship while he waffles back and forth for literally years because it’s in his best interest to do so. 

Is cruel another word for emotionally abusive? 

Add to that, he has a problem with pain killers, which is another HUGE red flag in any relationship. 

OP, if your best friend was dating this man - would you advise her that she has made a good choice for a life partner? Or, as Expat said above, would you caution her that she is ignoring some pretty significant red flags? 

[BrinnM]

5 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

They had lost so much connection and intimacy that he started abusing opiates. So, to say his marriage was “killing him” isn’t too far off.

I believe he deserves happiness, and I believe in love- true love. I believe “faking it” in front of your kids is modeling bad relationship patterns for the kids. Yes, divorce is all too common, and marriage is sacred. However, sometimes divorce is the best decision of all.

Yes, a lot of times divorce is the best decision of all. I 100% agree, and a lot of people shouldn’t get married in the first place.
 

BUT: Re the bolded above:

1) How old are the kids?

And: 2) He’s a drug addict, and blames his wife/marriage for this? That’s a doozy! C’mon, you’re smarter than this. You don’t want a guy who takes no responsibility for his behavioral and addiction problems. This is also the same guy who withdraws his divorce papers and now “can’t” re-file!  

Honestly - I suspect there might be some other stuff going on. Are you sure the wife didn’t end the relationship due to his opiate addiction?  I mean that’s a big deal that would bother any spouse, obviously, especially with kids still in the house. And since she doesn’t like/love him anyways (like you said yourself, OP), this is a great reason or “excuse” to end a marriage, if you want a good settlement, custody, and some fat alimony check each month.

Plus: She is now blaming him for having a long term affair - and that’s really great for her divorce case. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want this divorce. For him, as the only breadwinner, this will get way too expensive. He makes good money? Even worse for him. And the judge will not look at him with much compassion. 

Oh and the 200K? For what? Show me the lawyer bills, because that’s clearly a lie. 
 

Edited September 5, 2023 by BrinnM

[Love4TOW]

Most of what everyone has said here resonates with me strongly. And I thank you all for taking the time to read my post, and give me your candid thoughts and feedback. So, here is what I agree with:

 

I should leave!!! Please don’t think I don’t want to. I’ve tried (and failed). There are things that have pulled me back in. Overall, my love for him, my hope- it is what has kept me around. With that said, the ONLY answer is for me to leave. I’m trying to find my strength to do it and stick with it. Reading all of your responses helps, so thank you!

I agree the opiate abuse is on him, and I shouldn’t have worded it the way I did. He is clean now. But yes, this is something I would always have to worry about.

He manipulated me, and he manipulated her. This tells me a lot about his character. And again, the person that I am, I believe he has true remorse for doing things the way he did and would take it back if he could. That still doesn’t make it right- I know this. Love is blind, and I am no exception. Often times I feel like such a fool.

Yes, I know for sure they spent over $200K the first time. I’ve seen the bills and he hired my divorce attorney. He has been transparent with me on their divorce proceedings. It actually benefited him greatly to dismiss and then let things sit. Since the dismissal, she got a full time job. They also sold one of their homes. So, her alimony will be significantly less, and the proceeds from the sale of the seasonal home are split 50/50. As for their primary residence. It is completely paid for (no mortgage) and he is giving it to her. The deal he has presented her is a good one. With that said, the attorney she had is famous where we live for dragging out divorces for 5-10 years. This is what she wants because she does NOT want to be divorced. 

I agree- why would he file when the current situation is working for him? Kids are content, wife is content, and he can do as he pleases. I’m the one who isn’t content. And yes, my feelings and needs matter. So, yes, I should leave and tell him to call me when and if it is done. I say “if” because while he has told me over a hundred times that he will get divorced, I know that can change in an instant.

The other reason I should leave is to let them work on their marriage, if there is even a sliver of a chance at saving it. How can he truly reconcile with her when I am in his life? 

Yes, I’ve been to his home. I spend 15 nights a month there. Our custody schedules are well aligned with this. I have my stuff there, and I know she isn’t there the other 15 nights. I also know he doesn’t stay at her house. We FaceTime, talk on the phone on the nights we aren’t together. There are times they all go to do things together as a family, and he tells me when that is happening.

There is a LOT I know, so I don’t just rely on what he tells me. He has two family members that love me and do not want him to be with her. They tell me everything. I don’t think they do this with malicious intent. I think they know that I feel like a fool and they want me to know that he doesn’t love her, isn’t intimate with her, and is in love with me. I’m sure this bullet will be attacked. Regardless, both of them have told me if I leave, they will support me and love me, because they understand my needs aren’t being met in the current situation.

I haven’t “decided” she is a bad person. I am sure there is a good person in there. I know what she has done to me. I’m not going to get into it here, but I have hard evidence that she had intended to put sleeping pills in his drink before they separated, so that she could get into his phone. When she found out we were dating, she spread malicious lies about me all over our community. She hacked my cameras, my Instagram, my email and much more. And I have PROOF. After he filed, she had her attorney draft a nasty letter to MM that claimed he wasn’t feeding or bathing the kids, was never home at night, etc. I knew first hand these were all lies. And yes, I saw the letter. Even though these things were wrong, I did nothing. I have compassion and understanding that we can all do irrational and mean things when we are flooded with emotions. With that said, they have gone to therapy during the “reconciliation” and the therapist has told them both that they seem much better as co parents than husband and wife.

And while he has lied too, I will say this. He is excellent about being there for his kids. He drops everything for them, caters to their every need. He is at every athletic event, etc. Do I think what he has done with the fake reconciliation makes him a good dad? No, of course not. I think it’s awful. And for now and eternity he will need to sit with his guilt, shame and deception. Kids always end up figuring this stuff out.

 

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. He has told me the act of divorcing brings him terrible guilt, and triggers trauma in him from when his parents divorced. I believe this and see this. And that’s another reason I know I have to leave. Like Bailey said, he has everything as he wants it right now. And maybe he can justify in his mind that this is the best way to handle this so he doesn’t have to drop the hammer with her, or give me up. But a real man should stand up, be honest and face the consequences.

 

So, thank you all very much for the support. I am VERY much collecting the courage to leave. I hope you can give me positive words of encouragement so that I can get this done, and this time, stick with it. Thank you again.

[Lotsgoingon]

Why can't they go through with it?

Just to be clear, your title is completely beside the point--just plain wrong. The question itself adds to your confusion.  "Go through with it" presumes (wrongly, naively) that all the boxes are checked, all the preparations are done and he merely he needs to sign his name somewhere. 

No! When it comes to leaving a spouse and joining an affair partner, the last part (the actual physical and legal leaving) is THE ONLY RELEVANT PART. All the other things, even time with your children, are utterly insignificant. It's a mirror image to we've talked about getting married vs having a marriage date and a downpayment on the venue and with the catering company and invitations sent out. 

There is no way under the skies--absolutely zero, subzero not possible--that he has told you the full truth about withdrawing his divorce petition. Most likely, he had sex with her, spent some days actually enjoying her, appreciating her. And then he made his decision.

And come on, you've bought his narrative of the mean wife. Every married cheater definition lies blatantly about the spouse. They leave out all the good things the spouse does. They tell a one-sided I'm such a poor, poor helpless victim story. He/she is so mean to me, so cold to me, so unaffectionate.

Puh-lease! If all that's true, they should legally and openly leave the marriage cleanly. After the divorce comes through, then they can date. But they don't want to leave the marriage. They want to stay in the marriage AND date and have sex with the other person. 

 

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

 He will come over and make dinner for my kids, takes my mom to the airport, and jumps to my every whim and need. He has promised me that when his divorce is final, he and I can be married. Blah, blah, blah, right?

why, why, why won’t he file again? What am I missing?

I agree- why would he file when the current situation is working for him? Kids are content, wife is content, and he can do as he pleases

If he's this connected to you, it's pretty clear this isn't a case where the person simply wants an affair "for fun". Nor do I think he fed you lies about the state of his marriage or how his wife treats him - he was a lot more than 1/2-way out the door. (While it's certainly not ALWAYS the case, some significant portion of these "poor" betrayed spouses appear to be pretty awful partners who drive their partner away, an affair being an intermediate step between staying and dealing with actually fully leaving. You hear it again and again on these sites.)

However, I think you're right in the "re-assessment" you made in a follow up post. You've made it easy for him to be emotionally comfortable in the "nether-land" of neither divorced nor fully with you. Between that and the other impacts of divorcing (financial, social, time with kids, etc) he's simply finding it easier to not deal with it. It's one of the ironies of being an OM/OW - they often help make it easier for a married partner to stay in the bad marriage. (And that's another thing you see again and again on these sites.)

So, if you're not willing to wait any longer (and who would blame you) you'll have to assess what you can do to either "force his hand" e.g with an ultimatum (if you choose to attempt that) OR simply walk away.

This is something that no doubt happens in regular (non-affair) relationships too, if one partner or the other can't bring themselves to "fully commit".

Edited September 5, 2023 by mark clemson

[Will am I]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This just doesn’t sound right to me. I would assume that he will have to pay more legal fees the second time that he files for divorce?

Not legal fees, but asset division and alimony payments (although the latter probably level out against what he’s paying now towards his wife and kids). So I guess asset division is holding him back.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

How can he truly reconcile with her when I am in his life? 

He can’t. 

It is for your sake that you would leave though, and tell him to contact you when the papers are signed. 
 

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

I say “if” because while he has told me over a hundred times that he will get divorced, I know that can change in an instant.

His words tell you one thing, his actions say something very different. And when there is a discrepancy between words and actions, believe his actions.
 

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

He has two family members that love me and do not want him to be with her. They tell me everything. I don’t think they do this with malicious intent. I think they know that I feel like a fool and they want me to know that he doesn’t love her, isn’t intimate with her, and is in love with me.

I would say that these “friends” are not helping you at all. Their “support” is further enabling the triangulation that is happening here which fuels a desire to “win” this power struggle - because you are “the chosen one.” It keeps you holding on when perhaps, you really shouldn’t.

As they are not in this marriage, I would take what they say with a grain of salt… Nobody knows the full truth except of what happens in a marriage except those who are in the marriage. 
 

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

I haven’t “decided” she is a bad person.

If you read between the lines of all you have shared of their marriage and divorce proceedings, your opinion is very clear. 

To be fair, you are where you do not belong - in her marriage. Need I say more?

And, if what you have said is true, all the more reason for you to steer clear of this drama. It sounds like a very unhealthy situation for all involved - why are you waiting on the side of the field waiting to be called into the game?
 

3 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

Overall, my love for him, my hope- it is what has kept me around.

There are relationships in all our lives where despite the fact that we love someone, we must distance/end the relationship because it is in our own best interest to do so. Women in abusive relationships “love” their partners, it does not mean that they should stay and tolerate the continued abuse. 

“Love” is a poor reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship. 

[Weezy1973]

Setting healthy boundaries is for you. You can’t force him to go through with the divorce. But you can leave him because he’s not getting divorced. The power lies with you, not him. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

. 3 years ago I got separated. I always felt like he was looking out for me like a big brother. 

It seems the bond was created while you were in the throes of divorcing.

A very vulnerable dark place for you. Is your divorce finalized? Perhaps he came across as a hero at the time and this blinded you to what kind of man he really is.

Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people and you were rebounding and lonely. Perhaps you are finally recovering from your divorce and gaining some clarity as to his character?

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Quote

There is no way under the skies--absolutely zero, subzero not possible--that he has told you the full truth about withdrawing his divorce petition. Most likely, he had sex with her, spent some days actually enjoying her, appreciating her. And then he made his decision.

Yep, this is what we usually find out when the MM decides to withdraw the divorce and tuck his tale.

Quote

And come on, you've bought his narrative of the mean wife. Every married cheater definition lies blatantly about the spouse. They leave out all the good things the spouse does. They tell a one-sided I'm such a poor, poor helpless victim story. He/she is so mean to me, so cold to me, so unaffectionate.

 

I would love to hear his wifes side of the story as I bet it is telling what this cheater has done to her mental health.  Hopefully he will go through with the divorce so she can be happy.

[Love4TOW]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If he's this connected to you, it's pretty clear this isn't a case where the person simply wants an affair "for fun". Nor do I think he fed you lies about the state of his marriage or how his wife treats him - he was a lot more than 1/2-way out the door. (While it's certainly not ALWAYS the case, some significant portion of these "poor" betrayed spouses appear to be pretty awful partners who drive their partner away, an affair being an intermediate step between staying and dealing with actually fully leaving. You hear it again and again on these sites.)

However, I think you're right in the "re-assessment" you made in a follow up post. You've made it easy for him to be emotionally comfortable in the "nether-land" of neither divorced nor fully with you. Between that and the other impacts of divorcing (financial, social, time with kids, etc) he's simply finding it easier to not deal with it. It's one of the ironies of being an OM/OW - they often help make it easier for a married partner to stay in the bad marriage. (And that's another thing you see again and again on these sites.)

So, if you're not willing to wait any longer (and who would blame you) you'll have to assess what you can do to either "force his hand" e.g with an ultimatum (if you choose to attempt that) OR simply walk away.

This is something that no doubt happens in regular (non-affair) relationships too, if one partner or the other can't bring themselves to "fully commit".

[ ]  I thank you so much for your words. I KNOW what I must do. That doesn’t make it easy. So, thank you for giving me a sparkle of support and courage in what has been the hardest time of my life.

Edited September 5, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Love4TOW]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Setting healthy boundaries is for you. You can’t force him to go through with the divorce. But you can leave him because he’s not getting divorced. The power lies with you, not him. 

I agree with you completely.

[Love4TOW]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Why can't they go through with it?

Just to be clear, your title is completely beside the point--just plain wrong. The question itself adds to your confusion.  "Go through with it" presumes (wrongly, naively) that all the boxes are checked, all the preparations are done and he merely he needs to sign his name somewhere. 

No! When it comes to leaving a spouse and joining an affair partner, the last part (the actual physical and legal leaving) is THE ONLY RELEVANT PART. All the other things, even time with your children, are utterly insignificant. It's a mirror image to we've talked about getting married vs having a marriage date and a downpayment on the venue and with the catering company and invitations sent out. 

There is no way under the skies--absolutely zero, subzero not possible--that he has told you the full truth about withdrawing his divorce petition. Most likely, he had sex with her, spent some days actually enjoying her, appreciating her. And then he made his decision.

And come on, you've bought his narrative of the mean wife. Every married cheater definition lies blatantly about the spouse. They leave out all the good things the spouse does. They tell a one-sided I'm such a poor, poor helpless victim story. He/she is so mean to me, so cold to me, so unaffectionate.

Puh-lease! If all that's true, they should legally and openly leave the marriage cleanly. After the divorce comes through, then they can date. But they don't want to leave the marriage. They want to stay in the marriage AND date and have sex with the other person. 

 

I am definitely not naive. He PHYSICALLY left 3 years ago. I understand all too well what needs to happen legally. His kids have been on a 50/50 custody schedule for 3 years. What I KNOW has held him back is the guilt, fear, and finances. With all that said, of course I worry he still loves her. She is the mother of his children and there will always be love there. I don’t sleep well, trust me. And that is one of the reasons I have communicated and know that I know I must leave.

[regarding his marriage], he had physically left, filed for divorce, arranged custody and alimony payments. I felt that was very convincing to me, especially since it was done in such a short time. And NOTHING happened between us until AFTER all of that. Was I naive in that sense? I think so. But, hopefully you can try to understand that I am human, and I fell in love. He wasn’t a stranger. I had known him as a friend for a few years prior (and no, NO emotional affair took place). [ ] 

Edited September 5, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[MsJayne]

All women who do married men think they’re part of a grand romance that should be carved in stone. They never are, they’re always just garden variety philanderers. His marriage isn’t killing him, his own stupidity is. He called off his divorce plans because it was going to financially cripple him. Whatever he feels for you is secondary to his financial survival, ie: you’re not that important to him. He cooks your kids dinner and takes your mum to the airport, and he also bu******s to olympic standard. 

Edited September 5, 2023 by MsJayne