Stay or go?

[Aa12192019]

I’ll try to make this as short as possible.. anyway. My boyfriend cheated on me in August of 2022. He said I pushed him to cheat on him with multiple different women..I had a few interactions(nothing physical) with a few different men after I moved out and waited a few months to see if we would get back together again, he couldn’t give me a straight answer so I gave up hope and started interacting with two different guys just through text. I didn’t have the courage to actually meet up with anyone. I gave him his freedom. I even picked him up at the bars a handful of times at all odd hours of the night. I just sat back and shut up because I didn’t want him to be mad at me if I said anything about him going out.  Well eventually it happened, he cheated. With multiple different girls. But when he did it, we were fine.

Well so I thought.. our relationship has been put through the ringer by his ex. She would refuse me to be around their son, I was harrassed.. stalked.. she paid private investigators to follow me. I had to have my hair cut out for different tests.. testify on his behalf in a court room. I dealt with it all on top of him treating me like I didn’t matter.

Anyways, after he cheated and sent me a picture of him and the girl.. I decided I had enough, I went out with my girlfriend, her husband, and a friend of theirs who was interested in me. This guy wasn’t as good looking but he had the biggest heart and was amazing with kids. He opened my door, he paid for my food, he held my hair back when I threw up, he took pictures of me, he let me drive his babies (truck and side by side) lol, he walked me to my car, he texted me to make sure I got home okay.. he was great and everyone I talked too said that wasn’t an act. That he is genuinely the nicest person they know.

Anyhow.. a day after our date my ex at the time texted me asking if we could talk. He begged and begged to work things out and I obliged with set boundaries.. no bars without me and I wanted him to take time away from his friends. Fast forward a month after getting back together, he asks me to go on a ride with his friends. I got upset but I agreed.. he asked if he could go into a bar which he was known at for doing the stuff he did to me for something to eat and I said no.

Later that week I found out he in-fact did go into that bar after lying and promising me he did not. So trust was already gone..  then we went out together one night and I glanced over and saw him talking to one of the girls he cheated on me with. She said “she didn’t want any problems” and the fact that he was even at her table set me off.. because now in my head. If he can do that to my face, what’s he gonna do behind my back? He shouldn’t even look in her direction.

I have given him a hard time when he goes anywhere that women will be at because I just can’t trust him and he continues to do things that don’t change that.

Anyway, this weekend he asks me if he can go riding with his friends. I said I didn’t care but then he said his buddies wife (who cheated on him multiple times) was gonna be there.. then that set me off. I did get mad, really mad. Because this wasn’t just a “guys day” anymore and I was at home taking care of his child because he basically has nobody else since he can no longer be at his mothers house (long story) so basically I am the only one that can on short notice.

But obviously I got upset and maybe a little too upset where I started saying hurtful things because when I asked him why she had to go, he freaked out and said “I can’t stand to see him happy” which isn’t true. He has just done so much I can’t trust him. But the argument went into the next day when he decided to just up and leave the next morning without telling me. Now I don’t think I’m controlling.. I don’t go through his phone. I don’t jump down his back when he stays late at work. I just ask that he doesn’t go to bars and when he goes riding that he asks me and texts me when he’s out.

Well today he told me he’d rather have his freedom and be able to go riding as he pleases and stop at the bar for food and be with his friends whenever. He said I don’t get along with a lot of them which I absolutely do I just don’t text them the next day.. and they’re not even long time friends. Most of them he just met after me.

He said he feels like a prisoner.. so basically what I’m getting at is. Is this just a lost cause? Because I never in a million years would choose anyone else over my family. When we got back together he told me he wasn’t okay with me hanging out with the girl I went on a double date with if she was around him or go to that bar that they go to and I have stayed completely away. I know how he is and as soon as he’s satisfied with his life and has had enough for a while. He comes back to me.. but I honestly think after this last incident I don’t love him anymore.

But a piece of me always will want the old him back but I’m convinced it’s long gone. He’s stuck in his ways and wants to do what he wants to do. I told him I didn’t mind him going riding if he could show me I can trust him for a while and he refuses to do that.

Edited September 4, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

17 minutes ago, Aa12192019 said:

Well today he told me he’d rather have his freedom and be able to go riding as he pleases and stop at the bar for food and be with his friends whenever. He said I don’t get along with a lot of them which I absolutely do I just don’t text them the next day.. and they’re not even long time friends. Most of them he just met after me.

He's done.  Finished.  You may not agree with his view, but this is how he sees things.   Your only option is let him go and make sure you don't let him back into your life

Also, your rules wouldn't have been effective anyway.  If he wants to cheat, he can easily do so without stepping foot in a bar.  If you've lost trust in someone to the point where you have to place limits on them like a parent to a teenager, then the relationship is not worth saving.

[Alpacalia]

Oh dear. You should definitely go.

Your ex-boyfriend clearly doesn't care how much he hurt you or take your feelings into consideration. He's not chock full of remorse, and no matter what you seem to do he won't accept responsibility. It’s best for your mental and emotional health to move on or take some time for yourself away from him.

Please don't think you have to settle for such a loveless, destructive relationship because as you said, you deserve better.

It's far better to be alone when at least you'll only have to worry about yourself than to be dealing with someone that blames you for his sh*tty choices.

[Aa12192019]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Oh dear. You should definitely go.

Your ex-boyfriend clearly doesn't care how much he hurt you or take your feelings into consideration. He's not chock full of remorse, and no matter what you seem to do he won't accept responsibility. It’s best for your mental and emotional health to move on or take some time for yourself away from him.

Please don't think you have to settle for such a loveless, destructive relationship because as you said, you deserve better.

It's far better to be alone when at least you'll only have to worry about yourself than to be dealing with someone that blames you for his sh*tty choices.

I definitely get that! I actually completely agree. The only thing that is good is that I left before.. so I know I’ll be okay ❤️ I don’t feel like I used to for him what so ever. So I don’t think it’ll be much too difficult but he says I’m crazy for having these expectations. I don’t go through his phone.. sit out side his job when he’s working much later than he said he would. I’m just mad I let him back in again! 

[Aa12192019]

24 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He's done.  Finished.  You may not agree with his view, but this is how he sees things.   Your only option is let him go and make sure you don't let him back into your life

Also, your rules wouldn't have been effective anyway.  If he wants to cheat, he can easily do so without stepping foot in a bar.  If you've lost trust in someone to the point where you have to place limits on them like a parent to a teenager, then the relationship is not worth saving.

I agree, I’ve left before and was okay after a while. I’ll be able to do it again. I was very hesitant on coming back after he begged because I know how he is.. I was talking to this great guy. He may of not been as good looking but he was the sweetest soul and I completely dropped it for him because he “promised to change.” I just feel so dumb!

[Acacia98]

10 minutes ago, Aa12192019 said:

I agree, I’ve left before and was okay after a while. I’ll be able to do it again. I was very hesitant on coming back after he begged because I know how he is.. I was talking to this great guy. He may of not been as good looking but he was the sweetest soul and I completely dropped it for him because he “promised to change.” I just feel so dumb!

Everything about your guy's actions says that he's not interested in a relationship with anyone. And quite frankly, he sounds exhausting. Your opening sentences alone were enough to make me roll my eyes. I mean, who blames somebody else for multiple infidelities? As far as excuses go, it sounds so imbecilic that I would have difficulty taking anything he said after that seriously.

About the new guy, honestly, don't go down that road. You don't end a series of bad relationship decisions by coupling up with a new guy. Rather, you should end your relationship first, take the time to deal with the emotional fallout, and heal. You need to get to a place where you're emotionally healthy and have a sense of what kind of relationship you want to be in and how to go about meeting the right person and building something with him.

The new guy may be sweet, but he shouldn't be introducing you to his kids if he barely knows you. The fact that he did suggests that he doesn't have good boundaries. Also, it's not cool to be out there dating new guys when your heart is still attached to someone. You could easily end up using one of the new guys and hurting him deeply (if he is sincere and genuinely likes you).

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, Aa12192019 said:

I definitely get that! I actually completely agree. The only thing that is good is that I left before.. so I know I’ll be okay ❤️ I don’t feel like I used to for him what so ever. So I don’t think it’ll be much too difficult but he says I’m crazy for having these expectations. I don’t go through his phone.. sit out side his job when he’s working much later than he said he would. I’m just mad I let him back in again! 

Just don't keep beating yourself up for making the choices you did nor making the same mistakes by staying.

It's ok to make mistakes and learn from them. It sounds like your expectations for yourself and your relationship are much higher than they should be. That's because you're with someone that has hurt you in the past and that kind of pain can cause a lot of mistrust. That's ok - nobody is expecting perfection, and most people make mistakes in relationships. But you don't want to be micro-managing your partner's every move. It will drive you both crazy and cause a lot of resentment.

Instead, focus on what you can do for yourself - setting boundaries, listening to your intuition, taking time to process your feelings and make decisions for yourself and leaving his freedom up to him. You don't have to be the judge and jury! I hope you can put this person in the past. You don't have to be so quick to jump into another relationship that might be plagued with the same issues.

[Aa12192019]

8 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Everything about your guy's actions says that he's not interested in a relationship with anyone. And quite frankly, he sounds exhausting. Your opening sentences alone were enough to make me roll my eyes. I mean, who blames somebody else for multiple infidelities? As far as excuses go, it sounds so imbecilic that I would have difficulty taking anything he said after that seriously.

About the new guy, honestly, don't go down that road. You don't end a series of bad relationship decisions by coupling up with a new guy. Rather, you should end your relationship first, take the time to deal with the emotional fallout, and heal. You need to get to a place where you're emotionally healthy and have a sense of what kind of relationship you want to be in and how to go about meeting the right person and building something with him.

The new guy may be sweet, but he shouldn't be introducing you to his kids if he barely knows you. The fact that he did suggests that he doesn't have good boundaries. Also, it's not cool to be out there dating new guys when your heart is still attached to someone. You could easily end up using one of the new guys and hurting him deeply (if he is sincere and genuinely likes you).

Ahhh! That may have been a bit confusing lol I apologize.. the situation with the new guy was. Said guy and I had split up in August 2021, I started talking to new guy in July 2022! So I did give myself a bit of time to heal. But when he saw I was talking to new guy, that’s when he wanted us to work out. Also, he doesn’t have any kids! I do and he didn’t meet them. But I was good friends with his sister in law and she would brag about what an amazing uncle he was. 😀

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Aa12192019 said:

Ahhh! That may have been a bit confusing lol I apologize.. the situation with the new guy was. Said guy and I had split up in August 2021, I started talking to new guy in July 2022! So I did give myself a bit of time to heal. But when he saw I was talking to new guy, that’s when he wanted us to work out. Also, he doesn’t have any kids! I do and he didn’t meet them. But I was good friends with his sister in law and she would brag about what an amazing uncle he was. 😀

Thanks for the clarifications.

I interpreted the "He let me drive his babies" as him allowing you to drive his kids around. Lol. I'll need to read more carefully next time.

Sounds like you're on the right track. Now all you need to do is completely get rid of the current guy and block him and get on with your life. You really do deserve better.

[JTSW]

Reading everything about this guy has exhausted me.

He is the biggest douche I've ever read about.

He was the controlling one and you were just a glorified babysitter to him, nothing more.

It's convenient that he wanted you back when he suddenly had full custody of his child.

That was the only reason he asked you back, and you left the great guy who treated you great to go back to this.

I can guarantee that he never stopped cheating and was still sleeping with other girls.

I cannot believe you would be with someone who put you through so much crap, cheating on you multiple times and chatted girls up in front of you.

You even had to put up with his ex, no self respecting person would put up with that.

He does not care about you, never has. 

If he did, he would never have done any of that.

Please don't ever go back to him because nothing would ever change and you would be never be happy.

 

[Keeves1]

Wow, what a guy he is! nah jk jk but yeah he really is not the right man for you I'm afraid. I would personally call the relationship quits and if he sends you message or begs you to come back.. do not take the bite

[Aa12192019]

On 9/4/2023 at 5:51 AM, JTSW said:

Reading everything about this guy has exhausted me.

He is the biggest douche I've ever read about.

He was the controlling one and you were just a glorified babysitter to him, nothing more.

It's convenient that he wanted you back when he suddenly had full custody of his child.

That was the only reason he asked you back, and you left the great guy who treated you great to go back to this.

I can guarantee that he never stopped cheating and was still sleeping with other girls.

I cannot believe you would be with someone who put you through so much crap, cheating on you multiple times and chatted girls up in front of you.

You even had to put up with his ex, no self respecting person would put up with that.

He does not care about you, never has. 

If he did, he would never have done any of that.

Please don't ever go back to him because nothing would ever change and you would be never be happy.

 

He genuinely makes me feel like I am crazy.. like how I’m reacting is crazy. I say the same things everyone is telling me but still I’m the problem? That’s definitely the plan though. Thank you ❤️

[Aa12192019]

On 9/4/2023 at 5:29 PM, Keeves1 said:

Wow, what a guy he is! nah jk jk but yeah he really is not the right man for you I'm afraid. I would personally call the relationship quits and if he sends you message or begs you to come back.. do not take the bite

Definitely not this time! I learned my lesson.

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, Aa12192019 said:

He genuinely makes me feel like I am crazy.. like how I’m reacting is crazy. I say the same things everyone is telling me but still I’m the problem? That’s definitely the plan though. Thank you ❤️

You are not crazy.

You are a good person.

You are good to people and you are good to his children.

None of them deserve you.

Give that other nice guy a call and ask him if would like to go for a coffee.