'Good' old 'I need some space'

[Legatus]

I met this girl in a dance school while social dancing. We talked a lot but then she was away, I was away, didn't see her for couple of weeks. We reconnected after that time and danced again and decided to go on a date. We went out three times in a space of two weeks, mostly because later on we were both going on away for the summer. The dates were really great. She mentioned that she felt the connection when we danced, we have some things in common, some not but the general banter and flirt was really good. She was a bit more on the physical side, especially when we spent most of the night on the beach after one of our dates. However, everything felt right, hence I wouldn't stop it. 

After the third date, even though we said goodbye as usual, I felt a bit off. I texted her once or twice and already notice change in her communication patterns. I decided to cut the chit-chat and sent her a message asking about her weeked, telling her about mine, and I included a line about how I couldns't focus on the book I was reading because I thought about her. That's it. Just an acknowledgment that she was on my mind. Later she sent a cheeky message that I should get a better book if I get so easily distracted. "Good banter", I thought. I messaged that I thought it was good that I thought about her, right? 

My instincts were right. She responded after a day that she's not sure if it's good. That she had fun with me but still don't know what I was expecting from her (no expectations were discussed in any form though). And that she wants me to know that she's not in a rush to be or to commit to anyting. "There are million things in my head at this time and I need some space, which I hope you will understand". 

The good thing is, I did get an answer. It is so much better than just being ghosted and my response was that I appreciated her honesty and that I didn't have expectations but just enjoyed spending time with her. I left it at that and went on my holidays. As far as I remember, when people ask for space, there could be many things behind it, and I am kind of okay with it. I didn't get into an anxiety spiral or anything.

The only reason why I didn't let go of it was the fact that I knew I would see her once we come back to the city and resume our regular social dancing (she learns at the school where social dancing happens). I admit that few times I had an urge to sent a message but then I thought if I did and she won't respond, then I will feel like being ghosted. As far as I thought, the ball is in her court right? 

I wanted to wait to see her at least once to get some clarity. Not even by asking about details but just reading whether we can still at least have a conversation and in what spirit. Then I can either let go properly, or we reconnect. Another thing is that I don't like to go back to the same river twice, hence I know that if I close this chapter, I'm not going to be interested few months in advance if she suddenly makes a come back.

 

Thanks for reading, now the questions:

1. Am I doing the right thing respecting her wish to want space and not text first? If she wants to, she will reach out right?

2. I'm trying to change my mindset from scarcity to abundance, hence I feel like the current mindset has an impact on me, meaning I have a hard time letting go. Even though after her message, for the first time in a while I didn't have thoughts like "oooh I will never find a girl like this", so I think that was progress.

3. I feel like my approach to closing doors is not really healthy. Letting go is okay but even if somebody comes back after a while, it doesn't have to be decided until/if they come back, rather than following these rules set in stone? I'm not sure why I think that doors can't be reopened. People have many different reasons for "pausing" communication and even though we don't know if it's a pause or not, it's all about not letting get to me, right? 

[Sony12]

It's normal for people to begin to lose interest after a couple dates. She likely isn't looking for anything serious and just wants to have a little fun right now. 

No you shouldn't contact her again. She was pretty clear with you about what her feelings were. If you two are meant to go out on more dates she needs to be the one to initiate it.

The best way to stop thinking about past crushes is to simply find new people to talk to and date. I suggest you focus on that instead of trying to get back in touch with her about more dates. 

[JTSW]

26 minutes ago, Legatus said:

1. Am I doing the right thing respecting her wish to want space and not text first? If she wants to, she will reach out right?

Yes, you're doing the right thing respecting her wishes.

If you disrespected this you would come off as pushy and weird.

She was pretty clear about her feelings.

She spent time with you but obviously didn't feel the connection she had hoped.

You just need to accept it and move on.

Orchestrating chance meetings is also not a good idea.

Edited September 1, 2023 by JTSW

[ExpatInItaly]

She will be in touch if she has a change of heart and wants to go out again. 

For now, she has put you in the Friend Zone. The ball would be in her court to rekindle. I wouldn't contact her again. 

[Legatus]

Thank you. I'm not going to initiate contact again. Sometimes it's just about hearing it from other people.

@JTSW there is no orchestrating. Because we go to the same regular social, I've been going there for two years, she had only started going there couple of months ago, we will bump into each other sooner or later. I'm not good at those social contexts and of course was a bit worried how I should behave but decided that since the ball is in her court, it's up to her to decide.. 

23 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

The best way to stop thinking about past crushes is to simply find new people to talk to and date. I suggest you focus on that instead of trying to get back in touch with her about more dates. 

That's right, I am doing it and meeting new people and it made this whole transition way less anxious that it would have been like three years ago. I just wanted to make sure I am doing the right thing..

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, Legatus said:

Because we go to the same regular social, I've been going there for two years, she had only started going there couple of months ago, we will bump into each other sooner or later. I'm not good at those social contexts and of course was a bit worried how I should behave but decided that since the ball is in her court, it's up to her to decide.. 

She already has decided.

She doesn't want a relationship with you.

If you bump into to each other just act friendly.

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, Legatus said:

.She was a bit more on the physical side, especially when we spent most of the night on the beach after one of our dates. However, everything felt right, hence I wouldn't stop it. 

 

Sorry this happened. It's good she was straight forward rather than stringing you along. 

What exactly do you mean by "spend most of the night on the beach and I wouldn't stop it"? Did something go wrong on that date? Did things cool off after that?

Yes give her space, don't reach out and see if she contacts you. Unfortunately she seems to be giving you the friendzone speech, so try to distance yourself.

[Legatus]

Actually it didn't cool off. After the dancing we went to the beach, talked a lot, and things heated up. We met once afterwords and there was no change in behaviour either, we were close just like before even when saying goodbye. 

yes, that's what I'm trying to practice now. I didn't have a problem with letting go and distancing myself from other people but in this case, the fact that I know that eventually I will see her, did cause a micro-anxiety. It's probably also that where I go dancing is my safe space, I know people there, we also go as a group of my closest friends.. and perhaps I wanted to iron it out to not have to feel awkward in my safe space..

Thank you all for responding.. I will think about it this weekend to really distance myself before next Thursday (when I go dancing)

[Weezy1973]

Your processing is quite good here. No you shouldn’t contact her. Definitely keep working on in that abundance mindset.
 

I suspect you close the door because you feel very hurt when people aren’t interested in you, and instead of understanding this is perfectly normal when it comes to dating, you take (or took) it personally. 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, Legatus said:

1. Am I doing the right thing respecting her wish to want space and not text first? If she wants to, she will reach out right?

2. I'm trying to change my mindset from scarcity to abundance, hence I feel like the current mindset has an impact on me, meaning I have a hard time letting go. Even though after her message, for the first time in a while I didn't have thoughts like "oooh I will never find a girl like this", so I think that was progress.

3. I feel like my approach to closing doors is not really healthy. Letting go is okay but even if somebody comes back after a while, it doesn't have to be decided until/if they come back, rather than following these rules set in stone? I'm not sure why I think that doors can't be reopened. People have many different reasons for "pausing" communication and even though we don't know if it's a pause or not, it's all about not letting get to me, right? 

1.Yes

2.Yes, good

3.Yes, correct.

I think you are making some healthy and HELPFUL thought processes in your mindset/head.....Doesn't mean it's going to be easy. But keep this up and you will get stronger at it. A lot of it ties back to the "scarcity" or really believing you will have/have other options. Think about it: If you really feel and operate like a guy who has options, would you be clamoring to contact her when she's asked for space? NO. Would you be overly concerned about communication stopping or "pausing"? NO, when and if opportunities of all sorts, including romantic ones, including anything in the future with her come up, you can and will  evaluate them at that time. You are secure in knowing that opportunities do come up and you KNOW HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN. 

I think you are just a little hung up on the fact that if you are handling things the right way and with the right mindset, it will magically be easy peasy. I think a lot of life happens in the grey area where it isn't always easy to do what is right. I think the more you do it, the easier it gets. The more you strengthened any mindset, which is essentially your reoccurring thought patterns that organize your thinking, you will likely default to that mindset. So if you strengthen a mindset that "gives" you/provides you opportunities in the future  because it's inherent in the pattern of thinking, then you will be getting more of those and find this little setbacks easier to handle. good luck

[Sony12]

Since she has only been with the group for a few months it wouldn't surprise me if she stops showing up to the social events.

Just keep on doing what you are doing and if she continues showing up be friendly with her. And above all else don't let this situation affect what you enjoy doing socially. She was part of this as well so she should handle it well also.

 

 

Edited September 1, 2023 by Sony12

[Alpacalia]

It means she wants to take a step back and take some time to think things through and decide if she wants to move forward or not. Respect that, give her that time and space. Don't message her until she reaches out to you again. Give her a chance to sort things out for herself and let her take the initiative in continuing communication if she wants to.

[S2B]

I want space = I don’t want anything to do with you… 

I would take that as “it’s over” since it’s not working out.

start dating others.

[Lotsgoingon]

You have clarity, total clarity. She's not interested.

People make it known, make it obvious, when they want to romance with us. Period!

You don't have to persuade them; you don't have to compose the perfect text or send texts at perfectly planned time intervals. They come towards you. They make it easy to meet with them. If they truly cannot meet, they spell the reason in detail--and they get specific about when later they CAN meet. And they will tell you they are so looking forward to meeting you when their time opens up. 

You need to download some new dating software. Start with this program: the main way women tell men they aren't interested is through not being available. That's also how a lot of guys tell women they aren't interested. Some women will come out and say "not interested in romance." And actually this woman pretty much said that when she told you the book you were reading (that you were distracted from by thinking of her) must not have been a good book. Someone interested would have given you a more positive response, something like, "well I'm a bit distracted myself." 

BTW: you don't have to work this hard or think this hard when you find someone who is interested. You have clarity, total clarity. She's not interested.

People make it known, make it obvious, when they want to romance with us. Period!

You don't have to persuade them, you don't have to compose the perfect text or send texts at perfectly planned time intervals. They come towards you. They make it easy to meet with them. If they truly cannot meet, they spell the reason  in detail--and they get specific about when later they CAN meet. And they will tell you they are so looking forward to meeting you when their time opens up. 

So your first clue here, more than a clue: is that you are working so hard. Set this up as a new standard: you don't have to work this hard--or think this much, or analyze each interaction-- if someone else is interested. She's not. But you're still you. Move on. 

You need to download some new dating software. Start with this program: the main way women "tell" men they aren't interested is through not being available. (That's also how a lot of guys tell women they aren't interested in romance.) Some women will come out and say "not interested in romance." And actually this woman pretty much said that when she told you the book you were reading (that you were distracted from by thinking of her) must not have been a good book. Someone interested would have given you a more positive response, something like, "well I'm a bit distracted myself." 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 2, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[glows]

No, don’t contact her again. Have fun on Thurs/your dance nights. 

I’d rethink dating anyone at the dance socials. It’s not worth it if that space is strictly to enjoy dance. 

I bet you’d forget this person in a millisecond if you joined a dating app and started meeting other women.

[Legatus]

16 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Since she has only been with the group for a few months it wouldn't surprise me if she stops showing up to the social events.

She's a student in the school where we go to socials. Considering the dancing was important to her I don't think it would happen but who knows.. 

 

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And actually this woman pretty much said that when she told you the book you were reading (that you were distracted from by thinking of her) must not have been a good book. Someone interested would have given you a more positive response, something like, "well I'm a bit distracted myself." 

This is an amazing point. That message was the first point where I felt it wasn't like she would normally respond. I thought it was an okay response because I couldn't see a better one but even what you wrote was tons more positive!  I did have a gut feeling that something was off on our last date, even though she didn't show it. Looks like my gut wasn't wrong :]

 

3 hours ago, glows said:

No, don’t contact her again. Have fun on Thurs/your dance nights. 

I’d rethink dating anyone at the dance socials. It’s not worth it if that space is strictly to enjoy dance. 

I bet you’d forget this person in a millisecond if you joined a dating app and started meeting other women.

Dating somebody from that place was my only concern. I didn't want to lose my safe space but also probably why I needed to at least see her once, get it over with (the 1st awkward interaction), and carry on dancing.

You're right. I didn't even think about her on holidays as I met somebody else, it was just after I came back that I started thinking again.

 

A lot of learnings here. Thank you everybody, it makes such a difference and much easier to arrange it in my head

[Legatus]

23 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I think you are just a little hung up on the fact that if you are handling things the right way and with the right mindset, it will magically be easy peasy. I think a lot of life happens in the grey area where it isn't always easy to do what is right. I think the more you do it, the easier it gets. The more you strengthened any mindset, which is essentially your reoccurring thought patterns that organize your thinking, you will likely default to that mindset. So if you strengthen a mindset that "gives" you/provides you opportunities in the future  because it's inherent in the pattern of thinking, then you will be getting more of those and find this little setbacks easier to handle. good luck

It's probably more my belief that if I handle things the right way, that in turn people will do that too (rather than being easy, nothing is easy in this world haha), which is, of course, untrue. 

 

On 9/1/2023 at 1:35 PM, JTSW said:

She spent time with you but obviously didn't feel the connection she had hoped.

Most likely yes. I re-read the message and even though I was a bit "strong" with the "I thought of you and the time we spent doing x, y, z" but I already felt the change and had to take a chance, either get ghosted or get some information that may not be pleasant. Blessing in disguise.  

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, Legatus said:

13 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And actually this woman pretty much said that when she told you the book you were reading (that you were distracted from by thinking of her) must not have been a good book. Someone interested would have given you a more positive response, something like, "well I'm a bit distracted myself." 

This is an amazing point. That message was the first point where I felt it wasn't like she would normally respond. I thought it was an okay response because I couldn't see a better one but even what you wrote was tons more positive!  I did have a gut feeling that something was off on our last date, even though she didn't show it. Looks like my gut wasn't wrong :]

I totally agree with this point as well from lotsgoingon.  It's odd that she CHOSE to say something negative. And it's a signal in a way.  To add onto the type of thinking that would help you get over her/not give her much thought/help you for future women....what I think you should do is NOTICE when people CHOSE to be negative with you/put down things that could be point of connection, etc...if you FLIP it to where this could have been a point of you EVALUATING her, you likely wouldn't see in her the same light. I'm guessing you focus on trying to impress/be liked but if you flip it to seeing if a person is worthy of being in your world, you likely would have seen her comments about the book in a totally different way and they might have been a bit of a red (ok, yellow) flag. 

In context, of course couples/budding couples that like that like to criticize and debate things and maybe there is a negative aura around how they do it can be fine but that's usually if it's coming from both people and there is an atmosphere of debate and being opinionated (it doesn't bother these people and they are usually close enough even at the beginning to enjoy this)...IMO, these couples are the exception rather than the majority. In your case, you two didn't see close enough to even have those sort of comments without it being potentially offensive or a diss...So I would say in the future, take more of an "EVALUATING" role...you don't want to hold a person in your eyes AS IF they have value, until they show you that they do. I think that would help you a lot. Merely tell yourself that you are 'getting to know them" to put it in a more neutral but optimistic framework. And the point of all of this is then you will be less likely to devalue yourself or put a girl on a pedestal when she doesn't deserve it yet..or think that you should still stay in contact as if you don't have other options and never will. Good luck

[Legatus]

18 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

To add onto the type of thinking that would help you get over her/not give her much thought/help you for future women....what I think you should do is NOTICE when people CHOSE to be negative with you/put down things that could be point of connection, etc...if you FLIP it to where this could have been a point of you EVALUATING her, you likely wouldn't see in her the same light.

Brain exploded. Thank you for this insight

There's just one more question I have. My analysts brain can't let it slide, unfortunately. The message I sent about thinking about her wasn't like sexting of any kind, I just said I thought of her, and her lips, and how we kissed). Was it too much? I am demi-sexual so physical contact comes later in dating and I don't rush it but somehow I didn't resist her because it felt right. The tone of the message was a bit "more" to se how she reponds and of course I got the answer but I don't think it was neither me being clingy, over-the-top, love-bombing, or anything like that, was it?

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, the message didn't matter. Tell your analytical brain it's wrong. You could have typed a message composed by Shakespeare and the great poets throughout history and it wouldn't have mattered. Conversely if she were really into as a romantic possibility, a clumsy message wouldn't have killed her interest. She would have likely done what you did: ignore the clumsiness of the message.

There is a widespread misunderstanding going around among younger people. They think that interest rises or falls on the precision quality of a text. No. No. NO! Also, there's this overblown fear that expressing your interest scares a person a way. Expressing romantic interest is not the same as being clingy and needy. Dude, your text showed an interest in her--that's what you were supposed to do. Nothing wrong with that. She wasn't interested. Again, interest does not rise and fall (other than for booty calls or with immature people) because a text expressed sincere interest.

Go out walking through a busy area this weekend and look at all the couples. These people didn't get together based on clever texts. Kill that meme in your head. 

Now, you want to save time and energy--I'll point out where you ran a big red light here, in addition to ignoring her snarky response to your book reading comment.

After the third date, even though we said goodbye as usual, I felt a bit off. I texted her once or twice and already notice change in her communication patterns. That feeling you had was your cue, and your clue, your answer to what was going on. You just need to reprogram your brain to trust that feeling. If people are interested in us romantically (and you want a real interest not a fickle interest) they will work hard to check in with you and to make sure YOU feel good.  You with me? And your body won't have the feeling that something is a bit off. That's your radar working there--perfectly.  Now train the operator of the radar to pay attention! 

Get rid of the word "clingy' from your dating vocabulary. You either ARE clingy or not. You can't shape being clingy. Clingy people are desperate and have low standards and don't have a life outside of worrying about the other person. And that bleeds through. You don't have to worry about appearing clingy. If you are internally clingy (and desperate and with no standards) that will show, no matter what you do. And if you're not clingy, that also will show, without you having to think about it.

Nothing clingy about trying to poke for interest. You can have a mad crush on someone and not be clingy. You can go up to someone and say "you look gorgeous. I'd like to ask you out" and not be clingy. BTW: that's what players do and people on the hunt for booty calls do. Clingy is hanging in there when someone is treating you like dirt. You’re not doing that. You’re here processing the negative reactions you got--which is good! 

Keep going brother. Move on. Fix your radar and your software and you’ll be fine!

 

 

Edited September 2, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Legatus]

You're right. Subliminally I already know it. No one text would have such an impact, especially if there's a reciprocal interest. It's illogical. But it's not like I'm good at these social interactions in general, hence reading and hearing it from other people makes me believe in it. I greatly appreciate your time to articulate those points for me, I will be reading them many times over

[Alpacalia]

On 9/1/2023 at 4:09 AM, Legatus said:

She responded after a day that she's not sure if it's good. That she had fun with me but still don't know what I was expecting from her (no expectations were discussed in any form though). And that she wants me to know that she's not in a rush to be or to commit to anyting.

13 hours ago, Legatus said:

The message I sent about thinking about her wasn't like sexting of any kind, I just said I thought of her, and her lips, and how we kissed).

It's possible that she may think you're not serious if you have been overly flirty with her and haven't indicated any desire for a more serious relationship. She may think that you're not serious, but she may also be on the same page as you and be looking for the same thing.

She mentioned not being sure about your expectations, and her reluctance to commit might stem from the fact that you two haven't discussed where this relationship is headed. I see it a bit differently, given that she initiated the physical aspect of your connection. It's possible she's also concerned about your intentions, especially since you brought up physical intimacy when parting ways.

Considering you met someone else while on holiday, it suggests to me that neither of you might be deeply invested in this relationship. Your message was heartfelt, but it seems like this was more of a casual physical connection, and maybe that's not what she's seeking.

Edited September 3, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Legatus]

I see your point. Let me add some details. Her physical initiation wasn't a problem. By 3rd date I felt comfortable enough with her that those things balanced out. 

You're right, we didn't discuss anything because we only met three times. She said during our dates that she liked the connection we had while dancing and she was glad we met, and I reciprocated it too. 

I didn't tell her of any expectations. That's why I was still hung on her, more about that I could think that she had expectations based on how quick she moved but then I got a message that she doesn't know what I wanted. Of course, we were just getting to know each other and it would take much loore than three dates for me to begin thinking whether I could form a relationship. 

When I told her I had no expectations she just replied that she was glad to read my message and also appreciated my honesty.

No, we weren't deeply invested. It would be just good to know why her mind changed and when did she think I was expecting anything of her. But at the same time, I could wish for unicorns to be real too

[ExpatInItaly]

24 minutes ago, Legatus said:

It would be just good to know why her mind changed and when did she think I was expecting anything of her.

You don't even know if that's the rea reason she called it off, though. 

Maybe an ex came back. Maybe she started seeing someone else. There could be any number of reasons she's not revealing in the interest of sparing tour feelings. She might have come up with an excuse  and this one seemed to work. 

Try not to over-think it so much. 

[Sony12]

Also keep in mind it's highly likely she never intended for this thing to go anywhere. To her it may have just been 'hanging out'.