My boyfriend never wants to go out on dates, but when we do he always wants to invite other people. Am I overreacting?

[Becky1108]

Me (23) and my partner (28) have been together for 3 years and live together and it seems like he is comfortable. He never takes me out and doesn’t seem to want to go out on dates (he never suggests it and I have stopped doing so because it’s always me making the effort). I can’t even remember the last time we went out and did anything as a couple (we went out a few months ago but that was with his friends, we haven’t done anything just the two of us in a long time). It’s been getting me pretty down recently and out of the blue this morning he suggested going for for some dinner this weekend and I was really happy when he suggested it, but then he said ‘who should we invite’, I just felt so disappointed as we don’t get to spend an awful lot of time together as we’re so busy and when we do see each other we just sit down for a short while and watch TV, it would be nice to actually go out once in a while, it made me feel like he never wants to spend time with me. I have brought this up to him in the past and he has said that when there’s other people there, there is more of an atmosphere which I do get, but at the same time surely it would be nice to have a balance of both. Am I overreacting to him seeming like he doesn’t want to spend time with me or is this normal?

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Becky1108 said:

. I have brought this up to him in the past 

Sorry this is happening. What made you decide to move in together? Is it your place, his place or do you co-own or co-lease? How is the relationship overall? Do you both work and share equally in finances and household chores? 

What type of quality time do you actually spend together? Do you have any shared hobbies, interests, sports or other activities? Do you try to continue to plan date nights and weekend things to do? 

It seems like he's gotten complacent just playing house and is coasting along. Are you on the same page as far as where this is going and the future? 

Are you hurt he seems bored with you and is shutting you out? Because you have already spoken to him and it's not working. How do you spend your leisure time? How does he spend his leisure time? 

Edited September 1, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

You're not overreacting at all and your concerns are valid.

He doesn't seem to want to go out alone with you and you need to find out why.

I've been with my husband for 20 years and he always tells me how much he loves to spend quality time together.

Suggest a break (not break up) stating that his complete disinterest in having dates and alone time out together really hurts you.

Tell him that he makes it difficult to truly know how he feels about you and that's not fair on you.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Becky1108 said:

Am I overreacting to him seeming like he doesn’t want to spend time with me or is this normal?

No, this isn't normal. 

Getting comfortable in a relationship doesn't mean never wanting to spend quality one-on-one time together. It's concerning that he's got no desire to do so. You two need to talk about the future of the relationship. You seem to be drifting apart. 

[stillafool]

I too agree that it's not normal to not go out and spend one on one time together.  At your ages it would seem he'd want to take you out more.  Definitely tell him how it makes you feel that he doesn't take you out and when he does other people have to be involved.

[Becky1108]

Just now, stillafool said:

I too agree that it's not normal to not go out and spend one on one time together.  At your ages it would seem he'd want to take you out more.  Definitely tell him how it makes you feel that he doesn't take you out and when he does other people have to be involved.

I thought so too. I have tried to tell him how I feel in the past and he’s brought up that ‘there’s more of an atmosphere and you have better conversations’ when there’s other people, but it doesn’t mean it has to be like that all the time? He’s also said that he’s spent so much time just going out with one person in his past relationships, but that doesn’t mean that I should have to not receive any sort of quality time, because he did all that with other people. I think because we live together and he didn’t live with any of his exes, he sees me as just playing the role of ‘wife’ and doesn’t think that he needs to do anything nice for me or spend time with me. 

[Becky1108]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, this isn't normal. 

Getting comfortable in a relationship doesn't mean never wanting to spend quality one-on-one time together. It's concerning that he's got no desire to do so. You two need to talk about the future of the relationship. You seem to be drifting apart. 

I find it concerning too. It’s strange because it does feel like we are in a good place compared to other times where we have had issues, but he still just doesn’t quite want to spend any one on one time with me, which is upsetting. 

[Becky1108]

45 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You're not overreacting at all and your concerns are valid.

He doesn't seem to want to go out alone with you and you need to find out why.

I've been with my husband for 20 years and he always tells me how much he loves to spend quality time together.

Suggest a break (not break up) stating that his complete disinterest in having dates and alone time out together really hurts you.

Tell him that he makes it difficult to truly know how he feels about you and that's not fair on you.

The only reasons he’s ever given me to ‘preferring’ to go out with other people because there is more of an atmosphere, and there’s always ‘better and more varied conversations’ when other people are there, but that just makes me feel like a bore him, which if that was the case, why is he even still with me? Another reason is that he said he used to just go out with one person all the time in his previous relationships instead of going out with other people sometimes, but I shouldn’t have to not receive any quality time because of that. It’s a shame because we missed out on being able to go out on dates for almost the first year of our relationship due to the lockdowns during the pandemic, so it would be nice to do something once in a while, he didn’t even plan anything for us to do for my birthday, it’s almost like he’s gotten too comfortable. 

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, Becky1108 said:

The only reasons he’s ever given me to ‘preferring’ to go out with other people because there is more of an atmosphere, and there’s always ‘better and more varied conversations’ when other people are there, but that just makes me feel like a bore him, which if that was the case, why is he even still with me? Another reason is that he said he used to just go out with one person all the time in his previous relationships instead of going out with other people sometimes, but I shouldn’t have to not receive any quality time because of that. It’s a shame because we missed out on being able to go out on dates for almost the first year of our relationship due to the lockdowns during the pandemic, so it would be nice to do something once in a while, he didn’t even plan anything for us to do for my birthday, it’s almost like he’s gotten too comfortable. 

He's full of crap.

My husband and I go out with friends regularly but we both think time on our own together is more enjoyable than in a group.

He sounds bored and you deserve better than this.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Becky1108 said:

, he didn’t even plan anything for us to do for my birthday, it’s almost like he’s gotten too comfortable. 

Unfortunately this is exactly what's happening. He's taking you for granted. Sadly he doesn't seem to consider your feelings.

Keep in mind, living together is not a commitment. It's usually for economic, household help and sexual convenience.

Seriously reflect if you want to continue with someone who is insensitive and just coasting along. Reflect if wasting your youth on someone this indifferent to your needs, feelings and future is something to reconsider.

Edited September 1, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Becky1108]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What made you decide to move in together? Is it your place, his place or do you co-own or co-lease? How is the relationship overall? Do you both work and share equally in finances and household chores? 

What type of quality time do you actually spend together? Do you have any shared hobbies, interests, sports or other activities? Do you try to continue to plan date nights and weekend things to do? 

It seems like he's gotten complacent just playing house and is coasting along. Are you on the same page as far as where this is going and the future? 

Are you hurt he seems bored with you and is shutting you out? Because you have already spoken to him and it's not working. How do you spend your leisure time? How does he spend his leisure time? 

We do co-lease so neither of us had lived away from home when we moved in together, we did move in together pretty early on (about 11 months in), as we just wanted our own space as living at home was getting a bit much and he had a very strained relationship with his family at the time. Our relationship overall is good in the sense that we rarely argue (this has been an issue in the past but we have worked through that), we do have full trust for each other, and we do get on very well. We do share finances, he pays our rent as it’s our highest outgoing and he earns more than I do, I pay for our bills and we share grocery costs. Housework however, is not equally shared, I do the majority, although we both work (we work similar hours but his commute is a lot shorter than mine so he does spend more time at home) 

we don’t really spend a lot of time together, when we both come home from work we will go to the gym (we go to separate gyms mainly, but will occasionally go to the gym together when we have time on a weekend), I cook when I am home, we will sit together and eat and watch some TV for a short while and then it’s getting pretty late so we just go to bed. I’ve given up trying to plan date nights or things for us to do because I’ve tried for a long time and he will say ‘oh yeah we will do something’ but he will just never bring it up again and I’m tired of always being the one to plan things, I even bought us a book of different dates and activities to do so that we could do different things together but he doesn’t seem interested in ever using it. 
 

in terms of where we would like to go in the future i would say that we are on the same page, we both know what we want and we do genuinely know that we want to be together and I do know that he loves me but it’s almost like he doesn’t think he has to make an effort anymore. 
 

I think I am upset because he just doesn’t seem to want to spend any time with me or do anything nice for me at all (he will never say ‘oh I will cook tonight’ if he knows I’ve had a tough day, he won’t ever run me a bath, or just do any of those little things’, in terms of leisure time he will just spend his going to the gym and then sitting and watching podcasts, I feel like I get very little leisure time because I work long hours in the week, and on a weekend I will have to spend that time cleaning the house and doing the things I don’t have time for during the week. 

[Becky1108]

6 minutes ago, JTSW said:

He's full of crap.

My husband and I go out with friends regularly but we both think time on our own together is more enjoyable than in a group.

He sounds bored and you deserve better than this.

 

I do agree, however when I bring up the fact that time together is important too, he just shrugs it off and says that we live together so spend plenty of time together, which we don’t because of our busy lives, but when we do spend time together we’re just doing the usual boring things we always do. 

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, Becky1108 said:

I do agree, however when I bring up the fact that time together is important too, he just shrugs it off and says that we live together so spend plenty of time together, which we don’t because of our busy lives, but when we do spend time together we’re just doing the usual boring things we always do. 

You also said that he doesn't even make any effort to take you out for your birthday.

That's not right.

He sounds comfortable living together but does not want to make any effort to do anything as a couple.

You may as well just be roommates.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Becky1108 said:

  on a weekend I will have to spend that time cleaning the house and doing the things I don’t have time for during the week. 

Please discontinue doing the shopping cooking cleaning. Please stop acting like the live in unpaid help. This is a huge mistake.

Let him do all his own laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Use your weekends to visit friends and family and enjoy your hobbies and interests. Don't say anything. Just start shaking things up. 

You may vaguely have the same goals. But what you see is what you get. He's not planning anything, no less a future with you.

Discuss moving out and moving on once your lease is up. Otherwise this will simply continue on this trajectory because it's convenient for him.

Edited September 1, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

57 minutes ago, Becky1108 said:

think I am upset because he just doesn’t seem to want to spend any time with me or do anything nice for me at all

 This is not a good relationship to invest in.

I was married 15 years with a man that never EVER wanted to do dates or activities with me. He was content to come home after work, eat the dinner I had cooked and watched sports on tv, or did yard work. He was not a bad man, he was a good provider, loved our daughter, paid our bills BUT he did not know how to *connect* so for 15 years I envied all those couples, having activities, dates and having fun together. 

We divorced he was in his 40s, he met someone else, had a child with her and repeated the same cycle of being a good provider but never wanting to 'connect' and experience life as a couple. I repeat, people rarely change Becky. No amount of talking, begging, negociating will change your guy.

Edited September 1, 2023 by Gaeta

[heavenonearth]

Don't you ever just go for a walk at least or something like that? I mean, you don't constantly have to go on dates, but my partner and I at least go on walks together when we see each other on the weekend, so we do not sit in front of the TV all the time. Or play a board game together or cook together, go geocaching, read together, do a puzzle together, etc. Doesn't always have to be a "date date" where you go to some establishment. But I do think 2 one-on-one dates a month should be minimum, ideally more. 

Your boyfriend sounds like someone who does not consider your feelings and you seem to be tip toeing around his comfort. Not cool. I would not be happy in such a relationship and would probably end it and take care of myself until someone better comes around.

[Weezy1973]

Have you heard of “love languages”? To me it sounds like the two of you have different love languages. Yours is quality time, and that’s not his. You’re going to have to explain to him that spending time together is how you feel loved. He won’t understand intuitively because it’s not his love language. For a lot of men it’s “acts of service” which generally means being the provider and doing things like repairs around the house, yard work, car maintenance etc. That’s how they show their love for you. 
 

The most important thing is communicating. It’s not uncommon for couples to have different love languages, but it’s important for each person to make an effort to “speak” the other person’s love language even if it doesn’t come naturally.

[Alpacalia]

Maybe your boyfriend doesn't feel the urge to take you out because you're always together, practically joined at the hip. If you're with him every day, it's understandable that he might not be too motivated to plan special outings. However, he might be more inclined to make plans if he realizes he won't get to see you for an entire week unless it's for a date.

You could have an open conversation with him about what he wants from the relationship. He might have his own reasons for wanting some space, perhaps some unmet needs of his own? He must know that you don't enjoy just staying at home, watching movies, or endlessly scrolling on your phone. Without some variety like dates, things can get dull pretty quickly, and that could leave you vulnerable if someone else more exciting comes along.

It's worth discussing your feelings and desires openly. Keep in mind that even if he does respond positively, it might only be a temporary fix if the attention isn't freely given.

[Becky1108]

3 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

Don't you ever just go for a walk at least or something like that? I mean, you don't constantly have to go on dates, but my partner and I at least go on walks together when we see each other on the weekend, so we do not sit in front of the TV all the time. Or play a board game together or cook together, go geocaching, read together, do a puzzle together, etc. Doesn't always have to be a "date date" where you go to some establishment. But I do think 2 one-on-one dates a month should be minimum, ideally more. 

Your boyfriend sounds like someone who does not consider your feelings and you seem to be tip toeing around his comfort. Not cool. I would not be happy in such a relationship and would probably end it and take care of myself until someone better comes around.

Yes, we do have a dog so he will occasionally walk him with me (only on weekends really). I know it doesn’t have to be proper dates or anything big or fancy, it would just be nice for him to actually want to go out just the two of us, even now and again. The issue here is that whenever he suggests the two of us going anywhere, there always has to be the need of him inviting other people, I really don’t think it’s asking for too much

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

Me (23) and my partner (28) have been together for 3 years and live together and it seems like he is comfortable. He never takes me out and doesn’t seem to want to go out on dates (he never suggests it and I have stopped doing so because it’s always me making the effort). I can’t even remember the last time we went out and did anything as a couple (we went out a few months ago but that was with his friends, we haven’t done anything just the two of us in a long time). It’s been getting me pretty down recently and out of the blue this morning he suggested going for for some dinner this weekend and I was really happy when he suggested it, but then he said ‘who should we invite’, I just felt so disappointed as we don’t get to spend an awful lot of time together as we’re so busy and when we do see each other we just sit down for a short while and watch TV, it would be nice to actually go out once in a while, it made me feel like he never wants to spend time with me. I have brought this up to him in the past and he has said that when there’s other people there, there is more of an atmosphere which I do get, but at the same time surely it would be nice to have a balance of both. Am I overreacting to him seeming like he doesn’t want to spend time with me or is this normal?

Suggestion…

 

suggest a getaway weekend together someplace like near where you live easy drive easy to get to. Just you two.

 

you plan it.

Edited September 1, 2023 by Ami1uwant

[Gaeta]

Becky: You've done your part by talking to him about this more than once and he's not the least listening to your needs. He's not into making you happy and he's about what he wants and what he likes. He's not even willing to come half way!  There is no magic recipe here, you cannot change him, you cannot make him change how he feels, you cannot make him care. 

Some people don't have a lot of emotional intelligence, some people are self-centered, some people are all about themselves and not their partner. You need to recognize that this is not the man that will make you happy. 

 

[mark clemson]

It sounds like your BF thinks about "dates" and the relationship a bit differently than you do. Men are not mind-readers, so I suggest you (diplomatically) communicate your needs AND suggest activities to do just you two together. Passively feeling bad about things without expressing your needs is a recipe for eventual relationship deterioration.

Hopefully he gets the message and responds so that both your needs are met to a reasonable extent. If that can't be accomplished, it's possible that you two are incompatible. However it's too early to say that on the basis of this one area if things are otherwise going well. It's time for him to compromise in your activities IMO and "step things up" a bit. However, you need to communicate what you're looking for in order for that to happen.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Becky1108 said:

, it would just be nice for him to actually want to go out just the two of us, even now and again. 

Your desires are reasonable and sound. However you have discussed it with him to no avail. So take action.

Stop being the live-in housekeeper and be busy and mysterious. Stay in touch with friends and family.

Go out with friends and family. Start taking classes or courses and joining some groups and clubs. Be very busy. If he suggests his gang tag along, simply say you're busy and do something with your own people.

Actions speak louder than words and right now, as reasonable as your requests are, it's going in one ear and out the other. Shake things up if you want change.  Especially with someone who's just coasting along for convenience with little regard for your feelings.

Edited September 1, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

living at home was getting a bit much and he had a very strained relationship with his family at the time

Was that because they found him to be a self-absorbed, inconsiderate, thoughtless plonker? Because that's what he is. 

[S2B]

If the relationship isn’t making you happy - then I would end it.

you shouldn’t have to beg anyone to make you feel like an important part of their life.

he seems to take advantage that you are there - but doesn’t necessarily treat you well.

why not date someone who would prioritize you? Have fun with you?