Wife hurt deeply by husband

[Fenway]

Hello folks:  This is a relationship issue that occurred as a result of a medical procedure and my question to my wife.     My wife has experienced a very difficult medical issue going on two years.   She had a specific problem  on the skin.   On a regular visit the doctor and practitioner decided they needed to perform a biopsy to first make sure there was no cancer.    We did not care for the idea, but allowed it, thinking the doctor knows best.    Long story short, it backfired,  and the tiny biopsy (removed skin) grew to a huge hole in the skin.    Since then she has been miserable, living with discomfort daily for the last year and a half.   She has received care from specialists in an attempt to cure the problem.    We know and they know the biopsy created the problem, even though their intentions were good.   Had it never  been done, she would not be suffering today.   As we know, hind sight is perfect.   She has been so miserable, due to this problem that she has wondered about filing a law suit against the medical practice to make a point that this should not have been done.   It is not about the money for her.   We have never sued anybody in the past,    even when we should have.   We are not litigious people and are very forgiving.   Now comes the relationship problem:    I asked my wife if we got some money would she feel better?     I explained that I would support her decision one way or the other.    She was and is still very very hurt by my question, crying and feeling like I don't care about her or I would not have asked that question.   We have been married over a half century.      I don't understand this.    Husband. ,,,,,,,,,,  p.s. I have read this post to her and your answer(s) will be shared.   Thank you so much for any input.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Fenway said:

 I asked my wife if we got some money would she feel better?   

If she would like to consult a malpractice attorney, she can get advice, information and support for the subject. In the meantime, hopefully she is seeing the appropriate specialists for the situation. It's unclear where you stand on this or why you asked her this question. Clearly she would like relief from whatever she is suffering from. 

Edited August 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, Fenway said:

 I asked my wife if we got some money would she feel better?  

I guess I'm not as sensitive as some because your question wouldn't have bothered me if I were suffering.  I would just answer yes or no.

[basil67]

The question wouldn't have bothered me either.  However, I'm not suffering and miserable due to a failed procedure.   Thing is, when we're feeling so fragile, our reactions can be stronger than what they otherwise would be.  We can be so much more sensitive.   

I think this is a sign that your wife needs mental health support as much as she needs medical support.  No judgement on my part at all....I've suffered with chronic illness in the past and it nearly broke me emotionally (this was back in the 80's when mental health wasn't discussed)   If she's up for it, I'd go back to her primary care physician and ask for advice.

In the meantime, tell her you love her and give her a big hug.  

[MsJayne]

Where is the wound site? If it's ugly and somewhere that can be seen she might be upset that you're not understanding how these things can affect women and that money won't make it better, and the other thing is that the ongoing discomfort would be wearing her down. Many years ago I had a serious melanoma removed, the first part being the skin biopsy. The biopsy was almost unnoticeable, a small nick with three stitches in it, (the actual melanoma removal left a big scar but that was expected), so this shouldn't have happened to your wife if the biopsy was performed properly. Whether she has grounds to sue would be debatable because medical negligence is often hard to prove, and often dismissed as 'medical misadventure' which is usually covered in disclaimers, but maybe she should discuss it with a no-win-no-pay lawyer who specialises in medical negligence to find out whether she has grounds. As someone who has been through this procedure I can guarantee that a biopsy should not cause or leave a gaping wound which causes ongoing medical issues, so my advice is go see a lawyer, because money won't fix the wound but medical butchers and other incompetent practitioners should always be held to account. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm sure it wasn't intentional but your question comes across as insensitive or not compassionate towards her. From your wife's standpoint, it seems like you are asking her to place a monetary value on her own suffering. That might be how she viewed it.

The best thing you can do is to try and convey to her that your intentions were not to downplay her pain or to suggest that she should be focusing on potential financial gain.

Clearly you were just looking to find a way to support your wife and help her feel better.

[Fenway]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she would like to consult a malpractice attorney, she can get advice, information and support for the subject. In the meantime, hopefully she is seeing the appropriate specialists for the situation. It's unclear where you stand on this or why you asked her this question. Clearly she would like relief from whatever she is suffering from. 

I just wanted to figure out how she wanted to proceed.   I explained I would support her whatever she wanted to do.

[Fenway]

7 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Where is the wound site? If it's ugly and somewhere that can be seen she might be upset that you're not understanding how these things can affect women and that money won't make it better, and the other thing is that the ongoing discomfort would be wearing her down. Many years ago I had a serious melanoma removed, the first part being the skin biopsy. The biopsy was almost unnoticeable, a small nick with three stitches in it, (the actual melanoma removal left a big scar but that was expected), so this shouldn't have happened to your wife if the biopsy was performed properly. Whether she has grounds to sue would be debatable because medical negligence is often hard to prove, and often dismissed as 'medical misadventure' which is usually covered in disclaimers, but maybe she should discuss it with a no-win-no-pay lawyer who specialises in medical negligence to find out whether she has grounds. As someone who has been through this procedure I can guarantee that a biopsy should not cause or leave a gaping wound which causes ongoing medical issues, so my advice is go see a lawyer, because money won't fix the wound but medical butchers and other incompetent practitioners should always be held to account. 

The wound is not visible and has never been a problem for me and I hope not for her too.    It is not disfiguring.     She Is such a wonderful wife and very attractive as well.   Even at her age she gets many compliments from strangers.   The best part is her generosity to all who know her, especially me.    It took me by surprise.

[Fenway]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

The question wouldn't have bothered me either.  However, I'm not suffering and miserable due to a failed procedure.   Thing is, when we're feeling so fragile, our reactions can be stronger than what they otherwise would be.  We can be so much more sensitive.   

I think this is a sign that your wife needs mental health support as much as she needs medical support.  No judgement on my part at all....I've suffered with chronic illness in the past and it nearly broke me emotionally (this was back in the 80's when mental health wasn't discussed)   If she's up for it, I'd go back to her primary care physician and ask for advice.

In the meantime, tell her you love her and give her a big hug.  

Thank you for your encouragement and advice about the big hug.   We usually hug daily.   She is going back this week.

[Fenway]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm sure it wasn't intentional but your question comes across as insensitive or not compassionate towards her. From your wife's standpoint, it seems like you are asking her to place a monetary value on her own suffering. That might be how she viewed it.

The best thing you can do is to try and convey to her that your intentions were not to downplay her pain or to suggest that she should be focusing on potential financial gain.

Clearly you were just looking to find a way to support your wife and help her feel better.

I think I just have to give her time and support her.   Thank you for your reply.

[Fenway]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she would like to consult a malpractice attorney, she can get advice, information and support for the subject. In the meantime, hopefully she is seeing the appropriate specialists for the situation. It's unclear where you stand on this or why you asked her this question. Clearly she would like relief from whatever she is suffering from. 

Thank you for your input.

 

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm sure it wasn't intentional but your question comes across as insensitive or not compassionate towards her. From your wife's standpoint, it seems like you are asking her to place a monetary value on her own suffering. That might be how she viewed it.

The best thing you can do is to try and convey to her that your intentions were not to downplay her pain or to suggest that she should be focusing on potential financial gain.

Clearly you were just looking to find a way to support your wife and help her feel better.

 

[Fenway]

Just now, Fenway said:

Thank you for your input.

 

 

Thank you for your input.

[introverted1]

I've had a failed procedure, albeit not one anyone else can see. It was extremely upsetting and painful, and several people suggesting that I sue.  One of the questions I asked myself was whether money would make me feel better, so no, I don't think your question was hurtful. 

A lawsuit is not the slam dunk tv shows make it out to be; the bar for malpractice is quite high and typically involves getting at least one other doctor to state in writing that the initial procedure was performed incorrectly.  This is hard to do as doctors tend to protect their own, much like teachers, police and other communities.  And then there is the issue of whether the procedure was, in fact, done incorrectly or if this is just an unfortunate outcome that was a known risk (however small) going in.

I don't mention any of this to devolve into a discussion of the merits or difficulties of a lawsuit but simply to point out that determining whether money would make her feel better is a logical first step before potentially embarking on what would be a difficult and trying process.  

I think your wife's hurt is misplaced. 

[BaileyB]

Agree with the above. I know people who have sued and won malpractice suits, it is a lengthy and very stressful experience. 

I think your wife’s response speaks to her state of mind at the moment. I second the advice above - she may benefit from some counselling to help her to cope with the situation. But that’s a difficult conversation to have too - 

I’m very sorry that this has happened, and I hope things improve for her.

[JTSW]

It seems your wife is more concerned about physical appearances rather than if she has cancer.

Was she cleared for that?

Suing may not work in your favour.

My parents sued the hospital that my mother went to when she broke her ankle and had to be operated on.

A student doctor removed the blood thinner from her after op medical plan so she didn't get it when she really should have.

This resulted in a blood clot traveling to her lung causing 2 heart attacks and a massive stroke in one night.

She died for 20 mins but was brought back.

She has permanently lost the use of her right side and cannot speak properly anymore.

It has affected the whole family as we are all now carers for her.

They began a lawsuit that they were told they likely would not win, but they continued with it because she now required a wheelchair etc.

This went on for several years before the hospital decided to settle outside of court.

If you do decided to file a lawsuit, be warned that it might be lengthy and not go the way you want.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Fenway said:

 I asked my wife if we got some money would she feel better?   I explained that I would support her decision one way or the other.    

 It's great you're trying to be compassionate about her distress. Unfortunately you claimed you would "support her decision either way" but the question you asked her doesn't indicate that. 

It's not about the merits of malpractice suits, it's that she was expressing hurt about the situation which she somehow feels you were dismissive about with rhetorical questions.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I feel that with THE MONEY, It can even Enable her to perhaps have PLASTIC SURGERY on the Skin Hole.  She is being Unreasonable but maybe just going crazy with how she is looking and feeling.  Get that Lawyer and sue.  I am with you!!!!😑

[Els]

20 hours ago, Fenway said:

Had it never  been done, she would not be suffering today.  

My question to her would actually have been: If the biopsy had not been done and it turned out that she did have cancer and only discovered it when it became too late to treat, wouldn't that have been far worse?

If you feel like the procedure was not done correctly and that resulted in an unnecessary complication, then that's a fair question and one that you could pursue with a second medical opinion and a lawyer. However, if your opinion is simply that they should not have done the biopsy at all, I'm afraid you don't have a leg to stand on. 99.9999999999% of people in the world would much rather have a skin wound than a Stage 4 cancer that could have been discovered a year ago through a skin biopsy. If your wife is the exception, well, that's not grounds for a lawsuit.

[mark clemson]

I think your wife may feel like your question was "unsympathetic" to what she is going through, even though you probably only intended to explore the issue of possibly suing and were trying to elicit more about her views and whether you should attempt this.

I think your wife should recognize that you didn't mean any harm by the question, feel strongly about what she is going through, and are trying to help as best you can.

I think you should recognize that no amount of money will help your wife to truly feel better if her medical condition cannot be addressed.

[Samantha11]

I see where your question could be taken by one person as no big deal, and by another as a very big deal. It just depends on the person, the timing and so many other factors. Since I was not there in person, I can't judge those factors, and even if I was there, I could not judge, since I don't know what your wife was feeling when you asked her. I am not in her shoes, and I cannot know how she saw it. 

I would just try to stress, as calmly and lovingly as possible to your wife, that you are sorry your question upset her, that you meant nothing bad by it, and that you really just want to do for her what will make her happy. Since she keeps repeating that you don't care about her, that is clearly the sore spot: she is taking it that you don't CARE about HER. Is her response logical, rational? It may or may not be, I just don't know enough to judge. But it does not really matter at this point, because it is how she feels. She feels like you don't care, and it seems obvious you do care, so just keep stressing to her that you do care.

Ask her what she needs from you to be convinced of that. If she won't tell you, as some women won't (yes, a lot of us women want you men to be mind-readers, until we grow up and realize you are not... then we try to have conversations with you, so that you don't have to be mind-readers, but then you get mad at us for questioning you... but that is another story lol ) just stress to her that as much as you would like to read her mind and her heart and give her what she needs, you are just human, but are willing to listen and understand and do your best to try to give her what she needs. 

It sounds like you are really trying. If she keeps insisting you don't care, she might need to talk to someone who understands things better. There might be something much deeper going on that this situation is triggering. Best to both of you!

[glows]

I’m genuinely confused about the current situation - the wound in her skin now. You’ve described it as a “hole” which is alarming. She’s in discomfort but how much excruciating pain is she in with a 2 year old open wound? How does she function day to day? I’m understanding this is a gaping wound. Does she have to change dressings multiple times a day? Is it growing larger or spreading/becoming deeper into the tissue? I’m puzzled why they cannot suture or close the wound, do a skin graft or why it’s not healing as it should. Is this compounded by any pre-existing medical issues? I am sorry if these questions are too invasive.

I agree with everyone else - please be supportive as you already are I’m sure and continue to show affection, same as always. Is she mobile? Hopefully you’re both able to manage together and I hope a solution is found. I wouldn’t mention anything more about money or a law suit as she doesn’t seem quite onboard and if she hasn’t expressed any interest in that.

I agree as well on the point about chronic pain especially excessive chronic pain or pain limiting daily activities changing or altering a person’s outlook and the effect on mental health. I cannot fathom the chronic pain she must be in from your description of what is happening - it hurts just reading the thread.