Why would someone be offended at your acceptance of their decision to call it?

[Fox Sake]

Why would someone be so offended at you accepting the fact it wasn’t going to work and accuse you of trying to make them feel guilty?! 
 

I accepted the decision completely, and gave my own reasons why I agreed- the emotionally availability wasn’t there and I felt kind of like I was a friend and under psychological analysis and it felt awkward at times because of how aloof/distant she was (she’s also a mental health nurse if that’s anything).
She offered friends from afar and I said I’m not a breadcrumbs guy but I wished her well , that I would use the experience to empower myself and thanked her for the wholesome experience.
 

in short - I didn’t slight her character or who she was I only commented on how distant she was both physically and emotionally. I think that was fair considering she said I had too much going on my life that triggered her own issues and that was her reasoning. 
 

I was then accused of trying to flip everything around and make her feel guilty. 
 

I’m hesitant to assume this person doesn’t have any issues of their own now. I feel like there’s a slight emotional or mental manipulation going on to try and make me feel or think a certain way , but I can’t figure it out. Either that or I’m in the wrong for having self respect to that level  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I’m hesitant to assume this person doesn’t have any issues of their own now

I think you hit the nail on the head. 

I have never known a healthy, rational and mature adult to react like this to them calling it off. The only people I know who get their jimmies all ruffled are the ones with other problems going on inside. 

[stillafool]

31 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Why would someone be so offended at you accepting the fact it wasn’t going to work and accuse you of trying to make them feel guilty?! 

Because she wanted you to beg her not to break up and promise you would do whatever it takes to keep her.  When you didn't do that, she felt slighted and her ego was hurt.  You did the right thing.

[smackie9]

Her plan back fired. She was hoping you would put her up on a pedestal and beg for her so she could get a boost to her ego, make her feel desired/special. She didn't get what she wanted so she got butt hurt. You called it right, she's manipulative. You dodged a bullet. 

[Sony12]

In this situation I imagine when you refused to continue to still be friends that made her feel rejected even though she officially was the one who was rejecting you.

She likely wanted to keep you around as a backup option.

Also making comments like breadcrumbs guy and saying she was aloof and emotionally distant probably wasn't the best response by you.

Best to just say it was fun and good luck with everything.

 

 

Edited August 21, 2023 by Sony12

[Fox Sake]

Thank you and I guess I didn’t want to believe it was as simple as that ……I mean I know how the patterns go, but we always think our situations are different.  

 

Honestly,  it was the accusations of trying to flip things around and being told I was passive aggressive, that caught me off guard! I started to question my own self for a moment because what I thought I had done with grace, humility, honesty and transparency was being called as manipulation and twisting. So weird! 

[Sony12]

4 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Thank you and I guess I didn’t want to believe it was as simple as that ……I mean I know how the patterns go, but we always think our situations are different.  

 

Honestly,  it was the accusations of trying to flip things around and being told I was passive aggressive, that caught me off guard! I started to question my own self for a moment because what I thought I had done with grace, humility, honesty and transparency was being called as manipulation and twisting. So weird! 

How long had you two been going on dates? If you are still in the beginning/casual stage it's not real necessary to give deep explanations. It's only really necessary to do that if you two decided to become more serious and then decided to break up.

[Fox Sake]

19 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

In this situation I imagine when you refused to continue to still be friends that made her feel rejected even though she officially was the one who was rejecting you.

She likely wanted to keep you around as a backup option.

Also making comments like breadcrumbs guy and saying she was aloof and emotionally distant probably wasn't the best response by you.

Best to just say it was fun and good luck with everything.

 

 

Yeah brudcrumbs maybe wasn’t the best , but man I’ve been involved the this forum since I was 22 and went through a terrible breakup. I’m 38 now and this is my adult profile. I’ve learned so much about the psychology and patterns of breakups and relationships. How people should handle themselves in some situations. I guess sometimes that can actually be to my detriment - as in calling out the “let’s be friends from afar” /breadcrumbs that people seem to give when rejecting someone. 
 

 

[Alvi]

Break ups are not easy, especially if it is completely out of the blue. Sometimes things are said and done and someone tends to act out of a character because, let's face it, break ups suck. She seems to be in a denial and blaming stages but this is her reaction to the news. Everybody feels and reacts differently.

I hate to ask, but did you tell her before the break up that you feel she is being emotionally distant and aloof? It is very much possible that she thought that everything was fine and she didn't think that there was a problem. What is she gave everything that she could and it still wasn't enough?

I have no way of knowing how she actually feels or what this relationship was to her but have you actually ever sat her down and discuss things?

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

I accepted the decision completely, and gave my own reasons why I agreed- the emotionally availability wasn’t there and I felt kind of like I was a friend and under psychological analysis and it felt awkward at times because of how aloof/distant she was (she’s also a mental health nurse if that’s anything).
She offered friends from afar and I said I’m not a breadcrumbs guy but I wished her well , that I would use the experience to empower myself and thanked her for the wholesome experience.
 

To be fair, this is all about you. But what about her? You agreed, you felt, you empowered yourself, you wished her well. What about her? You express yourself well about how you feel. But have you discussed how she feels? What lead her to be emotionally distant. What did she want or not want out of the relationship. Did she have any other issues or concerns? It sound like a very long monologue about your needs and now she was not meeting them. I would suggest that you keep it short and sweet next time you break up with someone for whatever reason. No need to point out all shortcomings.

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

in short - I didn’t slight her character or who she was I only commented on how distant she was both physically and emotionally. I think that was fair considering she said I had too much going on my life that triggered her own issues and that was her reasoning. 

Sounds like you have checked out of the relationship already and didn't feel the need to dig deeper and discuss why she feels you being busy with life is triggering her own issues. Like I said, keep it short when you break up with someone.

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

I was then accused of trying to flip everything around and make her feel guilty. 

Right or wrong this is how she feels. I think were talking way too much about you and your wants and needs and about her shortcomings during the break up. Next time focus on "we" or why we will not work out. For example, we have a difference of opinion, we want different things in life, etc...

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

’m hesitant to assume this person doesn’t have any issues of their own now. I feel like there’s a slight emotional or mental manipulation going on to try and make me feel or think a certain way , but I can’t figure it out.

Show me one person who doesn't have any issues or problems. People are not robots and there is more than one way that a person is going to accept to what is being said to them. Again, this is how you felt but how did she feel?

[Fox Sake]

2 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

How long had you two been going on dates? If you are still in the beginning/casual stage it's not real necessary to give deep explanations. It's only really necessary to do that if you two decided to become more serious and then decided to break up.

Talking for a month. I won’t invest that much time in anyone unless I see potential with them and she was the same. There was a great connection but it wasn’t there in person! It was just awkward feeling 

[Alvi]

6 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

How people should handle themselves in some situations.

Op, you can read all the phycology books on this planet and they are still not going to give you any answers on how people are going to handle themselves in certain situations.  You have no way of knowing how you are going to react till you are actually in that situation. My mother all my life is trying to tell me how I should feel and how I need to react to things according to her. Well, I am glad that I don't live with her anymore, lol.

Edited August 21, 2023 by Alvi

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, Fox Sake said:

Talking for a month. I won’t invest that much time in anyone unless I see potential with them and she was the same. There was a great connection but it wasn’t there in person! It was just awkward feeling 

 

So it was mainly just a phone relationship? Had you guys even been intimate yet? If not it's definitely not appropriate to insult someone when they are trying to end it as there really wasn't much there to end anyways. She very well may have felt she was being nice by letting you know and not just disappearing on you.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Talking for a month. There was a great connection but it wasn’t there in person!

Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be compatibly or mutual attraction. It's fine to lay your cards on the table, especially when she brought up the subject.

If she's making a big fuss about deciding mutually that it's not working, maybe her armchair psychoanalysis of you and everything else is in overdrive. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

[Alvi]

4 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Talking for a month. I won’t invest that much time in anyone unless I see potential with them and she was the same. There was a great connection but it wasn’t there in person! It was just awkward feeling 

So you were not even dating this woman???? I assumed that she was your GF. Wow, don't even know what to say in that case. You are accusing a woman that you haven't even met that she is distant? But you haven't even met her, lol.  Way way way too much talking on your part in that case about your needs  and her inability to meet them. Simply saying goodbye would be sufficient. Or slow fading or ghosting.

But seriously, how much investment do you expect out of someone that you haven't met or went on a couple of dates with? The two of you were not even in a relationship. If there is no connection, then say that you didn't feel a connection and nothing else.

[Fox Sake]

15 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Break ups are not easy, especially if it is completely out of the blue. Sometimes things are said and done and someone tends to act out of a character because, let's face it, break ups suck. She seems to be in a denial and blaming stages but this is her reaction to the news. Everybody feels and reacts differently.

I hate to ask, but did you tell her before the break up that you feel she is being emotionally distant and aloof? It is very much possible that she thought that everything was fine and she didn't think that there was a problem. What is she gave everything that she could and it still wasn't enough?

I have no way of knowing how she actually feels or what this relationship was to her but have you actually ever sat her down and discuss things?

To be fair, this is all about you. But what about her? You agreed, you felt, you empowered yourself, you wished her well. What about her? You express yourself well about how you feel. But have you discussed how she feels? What lead her to be emotionally distant. What did she want or not want out of the relationship. Did she have any other issues or concerns? It sound like a very long monologue about your needs and now she was not meeting them. I would suggest that you keep it short and sweet next time you break up with someone for whatever reason. No need to point out all shortcomings.

Sounds like you have checked out of the relationship already and didn't feel the need to dig deeper and discuss why she feels you being busy with life is triggering her own issues. Like I said, keep it short when you break up with someone.

Right or wrong this is how she feels. I think were talking way too much about you and your wants and needs and about her shortcomings during the break up. Next time focus on "we" or why we will not work out. For example, we have a difference of opinion, we want different things in life, etc...

Show me one person who doesn't have any issues or problems. People are not robots and there is more than one way that a person is going to accept to what is being said to them. Again, this is how you felt but how did she feel?

This was her decision! On my first post she gave her reasoning - my issues going on in my life were triggering her and she just didn’t feel like we were compatible. She said it was great on paper but not in person.
- My issues being me being used a pawn in my parents separation and my siblings taking sides. It’s caused me a lot of anxiety recently. 

Yes I brought up the her distance. It was very sudden too a week ago before were to meet. I noticed it. She told me not to worry so I didn’t, but in hindsight- that was her pulling away at that point.  
Honestly looking at your questions I have a lot of them unanswered myself. She seemed amazing then seemed utterly confusing all of a sudden. Maybe it should t even have got to the point of meeting. 

Edited August 21, 2023 by Fox Sake

[Fox Sake]

3 minutes ago, Alvi said:

So you were not even dating this woman???? I assumed that she was your GF. Wow, don't even know what to say in that case. You are accusing a woman that you haven't even met that she is distant? But you haven't even met her, lol.  Way way way too much talking on your part in that case about your needs  and her inability to meet them. Simply saying goodbye would be sufficient. Or slow fading or ghosting.

But seriously, how much investment do you expect out of someone that you haven't met or went on a couple of dates with? The two of you were not even in a relationship. If there is no connection, then say that you didn't feel a connection and nothing else.

I can see where you’re coming from but unfortunately there’s information missing and I can see why you would take this view. She told me that I was her one. She had t ever met anyone like me before and I started to think the same. It was very silly of me. Of both of us. I’m not ready to be dating yet. 
 

 I wasn’t really looking into going this deep into it all , I was honestly just looking for a basic comprehension on cause and effect of why someone would react that way! 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Alvi said:

So you were not even dating this woman???? I assumed that she was your GF. Wow, don't even know what to say in that case. You are accusing a woman that you haven't even met that she is distant? But you haven't even met her, lol.  Way way way too much talking on your part in that case about your needs  and her inability to meet them. Simply saying goodbye would be sufficient. Or slow fading or ghosting.

But seriously, how much investment do you expect out of someone that you haven't met or went on a couple of dates with? The two of you were not even in a relationship. If there is no connection, then say that you didn't feel a connection and nothing else.

Concur.

Can't expect someone you've never even met and expect this person to meet all your needs, without even establishing a relationship. That's not only unfair, but also unrealistic. Foxsake man? lol   

She probably felt uncomfortable with the whole dynamic and I understand why. I think it's a good thing that you both realized it before it went too far.

I'm sure she had her own issues and insecurities that she was trying to protect. We all do. It's natural. But why put yourself in a situation where you're feeling manipulated, or worse, guilty?

Accepting that a connection isn't going to work out can be difficult, and it doesn't mean that either of you is wrong or bad. Perhaps this just wasn't the right time for the two of you to connect.

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, Fox Sake said:

I can see where you’re coming from but unfortunately there’s information missing and I can see why you would take this view. She told me that I was her one. She had t ever met anyone like me before and I started to think the same. It was very silly of me. Of both of us. I’m not ready to be dating yet. 
 

 I wasn’t really looking into going this deep into it all , I was honestly just looking for a basic comprehension on cause and effect of why someone would react that way! 

People say things that they think others want to hear and it often isn't exactly how they really feel. Also it is completely normal for feelings to change very quickly when the romance is just getting started. 

You overreacted here. It's good practice to not be rude when ending something unless you two were extremely serious.

[Fox Sake]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Concur.

Can't expect someone you've never even met and expect this person to meet all your needs, without even establishing a relationship. That's not only unfair, but also unrealistic. Foxsake man? lol   

She probably felt uncomfortable with the whole dynamic and I understand why. I think it's a good thing that you both realized it before it went too far.

I'm sure she had her own issues and insecurities that she was trying to protect. We all do. It's natural. But why put yourself in a situation where you're feeling manipulated, or worse, guilty?

Accepting that a connection isn't going to work out can be difficult, and it doesn't mean that either of you is wrong or bad. Perhaps this just wasn't the right time for the two of you to connect.

 

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Concur.

Can't expect someone you've never even met and expect this person to meet all your needs, without even establishing a relationship. That's not only unfair, but also unrealistic. Foxsake man? lol   

She probably felt uncomfortable with the whole dynamic and I understand why. I think it's a good thing that you both realized it before it went too far.

I'm sure she had her own issues and insecurities that she was trying to protect. We all do. It's natural. But why put yourself in a situation where you're feeling manipulated, or worse, guilty?

Accepting that a connection isn't going to work out can be difficult, and it doesn't mean that either of you is wrong or bad. Perhaps this just wasn't the right time for the two of you to connect.

Honestly there was such an intense connection built up between us that I should have known that was a red flag for us. There was a lot of expectation put out there by HER. I ran with that for whatever reasons and when I did , she became more aloof. I guess I felt like I had scored the lottery a little as a lot of boxes were ticked. I let my head get the better of me. It wouldn’t be the first time either ! 

[Alvi]

Well, this is why it is better to meet a person sooner rather than later. That way there is no feelings or expectations on either side. If she is a nutcase or you don't feel it or feel manipulated somehow, then end it without going into details. 

Edited August 21, 2023 by Alvi

[mark clemson]

Some people aren't good at breakups and will generate drama over minor things.

If she's breaking it off she has no business trying to "control your reaction" (beyond what's necessary to ensure safety etc), particularly if you're overall simply being reasonable about it.

Sometimes the "high intensity" indicates there's a genuine undercurrent of dysfunction that will eventually rear it's head.

[Fox Sake]

4 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

People say things that they think others want to hear and it often isn't exactly how they really feel. Also it is completely normal for feelings to change very quickly when the romance is just getting started. 

You overreacted here. It's good practice to not be rude when ending something unless you two were extremely serious.

I didn’t see it as me being rude. Honestly,  I saw what she said as “the issue is you”. Which I accept that and I realise the connection isn’t there that I require from someone  

 But then again I process my thoughts and feelings differently from a lot of people. I honestly am starting to wonder as I get older, if I’m not on some sort of autistic spectrum and not just the ADD (now adhd spectrum) childhood diagnosis. I can feel things so intensely at times 

[Alpacalia]

12 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

 

Honestly there was such an intense connection built up between us that I should have known that was a red flag for us. There was a lot of expectation put out there by HER. I ran with that for whatever reasons and when I did , she became more aloof. I guess I felt like I had scored the lottery a little as a lot of boxes were ticked. I let my head get the better of me. It wouldn’t be the first time either ! 

 

Awe Foxsake, It's fantastic to have a connection that is so intense, but if you feel like a lot of expectation was being put on the relationship then it was wise to take a step back and address the issue before going full sprint into it. Sounds like she also had some feelings that weren't necessarily reciprocated, at least, on her end, which could have made her act aloof. 

But spacing it out a month may have been what you needed to pace yourself and to think it through more thoroughly. So I think that was a smart choice!

As for her being offended, my go to response is, scat. Now, I know, that isn't the most helpful thing, but let me explain. If she is putting expectations onto the relationship that you or she are not willing to meet at the moment, then she should just be mature about it and accept it.

All in all, it sounds like you are being mindful and taking all the right steps. Just be sure to stay true to yourself and don't let anyone change who you are - keep in mind your boundaries and what is best for you.

Edited August 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Sony12]

4 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

 

Honestly there was such an intense connection built up between us that I should have known that was a red flag for us. There was a lot of expectation put out there by HER. I ran with that for whatever reasons and when I did , she became more aloof. I guess I felt like I had scored the lottery a little as a lot of boxes were ticked. I let my head get the better of me. It wouldn’t be the first time either ! 

 

What exactly did she do that caused expectations to get out of hand. Was she merely being outgoing? Some people just enjoy talking to others and like the ability to get to know new people.

[Fox Sake]

Just now, mark clemson said:

Some people aren't good at breakups and will generate drama over minor things.

If she's breaking it off she has no business trying to "control your reaction" (beyond what's necessary to ensure safety etc), particularly if you're overall simply being reasonable about it.

Sometimes the "high intensity" indicates there's a genuine undercurrent of dysfunction that will eventually rear its head.

Almost all the other responses , bar one or two have made me question my own mental sanity. Yours has not. Your post has shown me that I’m abusing my inner child and that I’m fine just as I am. Thank you.