Flakey Friend

[glamtran]

Hi all, I need to know if I can approach a long term friend about her flakiness and overall lack of social cues. I don’t want to be harsh or stuck up though?  

So we are both women, I’m 35 she’s 39. Tonight we were supposed to go out to an event which required tickets in advance. I texted her last night about it and it was a go. This morning at 11 am I told her I’m going to buy my ticket in advance and see her there kind of thing. No response until 8 pm saying “sorry I didn’t check my phone did you get the tickets”. I’m thinking obviously not if you didn’t respond. I was thinking she couldn’t check her phone once in 9 hours knowing she has plans with me? I was wondering if she was even ok? 

I don’t like how everyone is addicted to their phones these days but again if you have plans with someone that you actually want to go to - shouldn’t you at least try to confirm the plans, time, meeting place, rides etc? I would have had no time to get ready at 8 pm since the event started at 9 - that’s not very considerate I don’t think.  

Also, one time we went for bubble tea and I spilled mine and it made a bit of a mess in my car. So of course I started cleaning it and she just sat there in my car while I cleaned for ten minutes without asking if she can help, would I like another, etc??

Before she started driving she would have no problem asking for rides but would never offer to get me a coffee or gas money after years of rides to various places within our city. Tonight I’m at my wits end I think. She’s almost 40 but she does have some depression and mental health stuff since she was a teen really. She’s never been married, lives with her parents, and is a bit sheltered so I’m not sure if I should say anything, and go easy on her. In the 9 hours she could have texted she was not running after kids or renovating her house or cooking or cleaning - she doesn’t have any experience in independence  

But she’s an adult and it just seems odd that the relationship seems a little one way. 

Any thoughts? Would this bug you? Or do I need to chill out?

 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It sounds like she is not mentally "All There" and knows you have more class than she will ever have.  With what you have been saying Here, You can either just be civil to her and not bother much with her or continue to accept her for what she is.  I feel you.  I have a Sibling who is a Narcissist and is so resentful and jealous of me but I just put up with her.😐

[Alpacalia]

She certainly could have communicated better about the event that you had plans to go to.

It sounds like she expected you to purchase her ticket. Maybe she assumed you would take care of the rest since you said you would meet her there? A simple "Yes, I'll be there!" would have sufficed if she had responded to your text. That would have easily put your mind at ease.

I treated my aunt to events she liked. I bought us tickets for a concert she really wanted to see. I busted my tail leaving work and sitting in traffic to catch a train into the city to meet her. Long story short, she brought a friend along and purchased different seats so I was left to sit by myself. I was so pissed, I left. She also wasn't taken to any events by me that point forward.

It is my belief that you should be able to talk about it with someone in a good friendship, though, if something else is going on in that friendship, addressing the lateness could be opening Pandora's box. Sounds like other things that have occurred in your friendship that is difficult to talk about...

Likely this is just her personality and she can't really change that. You also can't force her to act or respond differently. It might be best to just limit your expectations.

It sounds like she relies on you for a lot and it's usually best to scale it back in those situations when there is a lack of appreciation or reciprocity.

I'm sorry. It's always hard when we invest in a relationship and it doesn't work out they way we thought it would. It sounds like you have a difficult decision to make. Maybe you can try talking to her about it to better understand what's going on in her head, or you may decide to simply not invest more time and energy into it.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, glamtran said:

 she’s an adult and it just seems odd that the relationship seems a little one way. 

Seems like a miscommunication about time and tickets. However are you sure you want to be friends with someone you don't have many positives to say about? Hopefully you'll broaden your social horizons and have friends with more mutual respect.

[SlimShadysWife]

Why don't you have this conversation with her, and ask her?

Yes I think it would irk me too if it was a constant thing.

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, glamtran said:

No response until 8 pm saying “sorry I didn’t check my phone did you get the tickets”

So she clearly thought you were buying both tickets.

Rather rude of her to just expect that.

Yes, you need to have a talk with her about these things.

Tell her you also need to cut back on giving rides because its proving too costly for you.

[glows]

My guess is she didn’t want to go to the show but was afraid to disappoint you or be honest about it. Instead it was a passive aggressive “yes” that came too late when it should have been a no from the start. 

I would briefly mention to let you know in future if she’s not interested ahead of time and it’s ok to say no. Don’t make this a long conversation. She knows she messed up and likely never was very interested. She just didn’t want to tell you or was afraid of possible pushback. I tend to think someone living at home or with other family members as sensitive to the needs of others or staying out of people’s way so mention it but don’t make a big deal of it.

There are also people who have no idea what goes into the maintenance of a car or forget it takes gas to run. If you’re agreeing to drive the responsibility is yours to pay for gas. It’s out of courtesy when someone offers to help with that but I wouldn’t expect it. Sorry that you’re going through this. I had an ex who didn’t drive and have friends who don’t drive or have a car. It’s good to balance those friendships with others. Plus it feels nice being a passenger now and then!

[ShyViolet]

When she texted you, "did you get the tickets" I would have responded "No, because you did not respond to my text and I didn't hear from you all day.  It's too last-minute now."  Kinda letting her know that you found it to be flaky.  If this pattern of behavior continues, then stop being friends with her.  Why put up with this aggrivation?  Friendships are supposed to enhance our lives, not cause us nothing but annoyance.  You are not obligated to keep doing this.

[MsJayne]

20 hours ago, glamtran said:

She’s never been married, lives with her parents, and is a bit sheltered

Possibly she's been infantilised to the point that she doesn't even know how to be an adult. The assumption that you would purchase both tickets without any proper discussion is a good example of how people behave when they've never been in charge of their own life. Their default setting is to leave everything to the grown ups. Same for sitting there while you cleaned up your car, an adult would help. I would guess she has problems that you can't fix, but for the sake of your friendship it wouldn't hurt her to be told, nicely, that you sometimes find her inconsiderate, and the tickets issue is an opportunity to bring it up. Depression tends to make people self-absorbed, and self-absorbed people have difficulty grasping that their actions, or lack of, cause inconvenience to others.