Discovered she is cheating, should I confront or just break up without telling her I know?

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

I have evidence. It came from my own girlfriend’s mouth years ago. She told me she hooked up with this guy when they went to certain concerts together and his wife didn’t go. I mean I have specifics about his past infidelity. I mainly want to ruin this guy’s marriage and just sending a message to his wife will make her question what’s going on 

If someone turned up on my doorstep who was repeating a story, I'd not give them the time of day.  I mean actual evidence, such as copies of communications

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Let her know  she is cheating.  But I would  not could never trust her again.  Even if she says she would break it off with this married man, I would not trust her she would.  No, Stay out of it with this guy's wife.  Don't get involved.  Could get ugly.  Break up with your GF?  Your own choice.😒

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

I should. And also ruin it with this guy in the process by telling his wife. 

But most of the time it doesn't work that way because cheaters have a way of lying to us that we chose to beleive them. I don't know many women that have actually left their husband because a stranger came to them with a story, and that includes me. 

You are falsely under the impression that telling her will somehow make you feel better. It won't. They will work out their problems, they are married, they have a longer history and more to loose.

How you feel will pass. 

[Stret]

If you do decide to tell his wife (in a way, she has a right to know) then do it in a way that will not leave you exposed. Tell her how you found out, have screen shots of the messages ready, and then tell her it is up to her to do what she wants with the info but you are leaving your girlfriend for that reason. Wish good luck to her and never contact her again. Make it short and don't force anything on her as she might be in a shock. Apologise and be nice. Do not show anger as she might think you are some kind of wacko. 

And if you are sure that your GF wasn't just going to meet this guy to catch up but was having affair with him, then definitely leave her. Even if she hooks up with the married guy, it's just a matter of time before two cheaters start cheating on each other. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

If someone turned up on my doorstep who was repeating a story, I'd not give them the time of day. 

Agree. 

While I agree that she has the right to know, you do not have good intentions. You would have zero credibility with me. 

They will deal with the issues in their marriage privately. Whether the divorce or whether they decide to stay married - that will be their decision. For all you know, she is  already aware of his behavior and she has already made the decision to stay. 

If you do decide to tell, be prepared for the day that he comes looking for you - these things have a way of escalating quickly… And that kind of drama, I would not invite into my life. 

Edited August 13, 2023 by BaileyB

[JTSW]

Take screen shots of all the evidence before she deletes it.

Tell her she has been caught red handed and that she is history.

Then tell this guys wife because he is just going to continue to cheat on her with your gf and she doesn't deserve to be made a fool of.

She deserves to know what her husband is up to.

Edited August 13, 2023 by JTSW

[Cristoforo]

At the time I made all my previous posts I was very angry and not thinking clearly. I’m now leaning against telling the guys wife, but I still want to let my GF know that I know what’s going on. I still haven’t broken things off and I’m struggling with it. 6 years down the drain. Why is it that I still love the person who betrayed me? All I can think of is her with this guy and it consumes my every thought every minute of the day. 

I’m entirely blaming myself. Our relationship has lacked a lot of intimacy and sex lately due to some issues I’m dealing with. Is that the reason she did this? Is it really all my fault?

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

I’m now leaning against telling the guys wife,

So you're just going to let his wife continue to be cheated on?

She deserves to know the truth.

And you need to kick your girl out after you tell her what's what.

7 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

At the time I made all my previous posts I was very angry and not thinking clearly. I’m now leaning against telling the guys wife, but I still want to let my GF know that I know what’s going on. I still haven’t broken things off and I’m struggling with it. 6 years down the drain. Why is it that I still love the person who betrayed me? All I can think of is her with this guy and it consumes my every thought every minute of the day. 

I’m entirely blaming myself. Our relationship has lacked a lot of intimacy and sex lately due to some issues I’m dealing with. Is that the reason she did this? Is it really all my fault?

It's not your fault at all so stop thinking that right now.

She made a choice to be unfaithful.

A choice that has ruined your trust and relationship.

It's not on you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. 

Her cheating is not your fault. She could have chosen to end the relationship instead. As for telling the guy’s wife…eh, that may or may not have the effect you desire. He’d probably just find a way to spin it and make you look like a jealous, lying boyfriend - and you’d be surprised how many betrayed partners want so badly to believe those lies that they just try to sweep it under the rug and cover their eyes and ears. 

You do need to end your relationship, though. Your girlfriend has no respect for you and is emotionally long-gone. 

[Gaeta]

12 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

Why is it that I still love the person who betrayed me?

It's normal, we don't stop loving at the snap of our fingers. It will take a long time to stop loving her. It took me almost 2 years to stop loving my ex after he cheated on me. We had been together 5 years. 

I blamed myself for a long time too but slowly l understood instead of putting his energy in rekindling our intimicy he put his energy in cheating so no, l did not make him cheat. That's on him.

It's time you breakup with her. Tell her so you can get it off of your chest. Forget about telling the wife, their problems belong to them.

[Cristoforo]

4 hours ago, JTSW said:

So you're just going to let his wife continue to be cheated on?

She deserves to know the truth.

And you need to kick your girl out after you tell her what's what.

It's not your fault at all so stop thinking that right now.

She made a choice to be unfaithful.

A choice that has ruined your trust and relationship.

It's not on you.

Tell her with what evidence? A story my gf told me a long time ago and then texts that I recently read on my gfs phone? I don’t have screenshots or anything. No actual hard evidence. 

[stillafool]

It's past time for you to kick your cheating gf to the curb.  Trust me, she'll do it again and then you'll feel like a fool.  Don't you want a gf you can trust?

[JTSW]

5 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

Tell her with what evidence? A story my gf told me a long time ago and then texts that I recently read on my gfs phone? I don’t have screenshots or anything. No actual hard evidence. 

Hence why I said 'take screenshots' of the messages when she leaves her phone unattended.

What exactly is your plan here? 

Are you staying with her?

Because it looks like you're not making any moves to do anything about it.

Edited August 15, 2023 by JTSW

[Cristoforo]

Just now, JTSW said:

Hence why I said 'take screenshots' of the messages when she leaves her phone unattended.

What exactly is your plan here? 

Are you staying with her?

How can I stay with her? I’m away for work right now and I want to do it in person. It’s not going to be easy.

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

How can I stay with her? I’m away for work right now and I want to do it in person. It’s not going to be easy.

You need to mentally prepare yourself and have a full idea of what you're going to say and do.

I hope you are going to tell her leave there and then when you get home.

You deserve better than her.

Edited August 15, 2023 by JTSW

[Alpacalia]

It's not your fault.

And taking revenge on this guy's wife isn't the solution.

The best revenge for me is knowing that my ex (he was unfaithful) has tried to get me back since I left. Doesn't matter if he was single, in a relationship, he still thought of me and tried to get me back.

Knowing that is the best revenge for me. I never blamed myself though. I never wanted him back.

You're girlfriend chose to step outside of the relationship.

She made that choice.

There was a hole in your relationship that maybe could have been fixed, but she chose not to work on it. She made a choice to dissolve it. That choice had nothing to do with you.

You had a relationship with a person who is selfish and you have done the best you can by breaking it off. So move on now and live your life in a way that makes you happy.

Believe me, you will be a lot better off!

Edited August 15, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

. No actual hard evidence. 

Exactly. It was just a scorched earth revenge fantasy borne of rage. While you're away, focus on the viability of the relationship and what to do when you get back. 

Edited August 15, 2023 by Wiseman2

[smackie9]

 

You can contact the guy and tell him that you are going to reveal the affair to his wife to make him crap his pants for awhile. 

[Cristoforo]

19 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 

You can contact the guy and tell him that you are going to reveal the affair to his wife to make him crap his pants for awhile. 

I’m just afraid of possible retaliation if I reveal this to her or him. 

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

I’m just afraid of possible retaliation if I reveal this to her or him. 

Yes that is most likely what will happen if you mess with this guy's marriage.  Then again, MM trying to protect his marriage will show your gf how little she meant to him.

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, Cristoforo said:

I’m just afraid of possible retaliation if I reveal this to her or him. 

What exactly are you afraid of?

You've done nothing wrong.

You have the upper hand of knowing and having that knowledge over them.

There is nothing they can do to retaliate.

Nothing can come back on you.

She will tell him you have found out then he will likely ditch her and run back to his wife.

Other's have made rethink about you telling his wife, but you definitely have to confront her.

Edited August 15, 2023 by JTSW

[Alpacalia]

If you do tell the wife, the wife might dump him and send him straight into your girlfriend's arms...

You can't control how the husband will react, and it won't guarantee that you will remain involved with her in any way.  Plus, the consequences of the wife finding out could be a nothing burger.

Whether or not you tell the husband is really a moot point because this situation is not salvageable.

Unless, of course, you want it to be...

Edited August 15, 2023 by Alpacalia

[SlimShadysWife]

Why do you want to tell her you know she cheated? Rather than just leaving her clueless and moving on. Getting the husband and wife involved, it's sounds like a whole drama that's not fruitful for you. Just prolonging this.

You're going to tell her and then what? She's going to give you excuses? Apologize? Leave you? Tell you what you want to hear and you will fall for it and continue to get cheated on and not live in peace wondering if she's still cheating?

 How's any of this working in your favour? at the end of the day she cheated on you, she doesn't respect you. She's not worthy of you.

Edited August 15, 2023 by SlimShadysWife

[Alpacalia]

Agree.

You don't need a cheater's respect. If that's what you're worried about. You respect yourself by walking away. She is selfish and evidently doesn't respect herself enough to settle for table scraps from a married man. This goes back to when she dated you, she told you herself that she messed with a married man. And now it's six years later. You don't need her validation or respect.

Drop her like a bad habit.

[mark clemson]

Why play games with other people's lives? There is enough suffering in the world, including your own.

This clearly isn't about your morals and/or her "right to know", or you would have told the wife when you first found out about it and stopped dating your SO. That makes it about vindictive revenge.

While it's understandable you might want revenge on your former SO and on her AP, acting on this in such a destructive manner shows you aren't an emotionally healthy partner. An emotionally healthy partner would walk and perhaps chew out the SO a bit if she attempts to reconcile. But wouldn't be dragging others into what is really your mess.

You don't know the outcomes if this AP's wife is going to have her life blown up. It could range from literally almost nothing right on up to murder-suicide. If her life's going to be blown up with unpredictable outcomes, you should let that be on her husband. You taking it into your own hands shows you actually DON'T care about her, you care about regaining a lost sense of control and making your former SO and her AP suffer.

Walking away lets you get started with a clean slate ASAP and minimal further emotional entanglement with your STB-ExSO. That is what you want here, right?

 

-------------

Side note for clarity - in a case where a person's morals genuinely and sincerely make them feel obligated to tell an AP's partner, doing so wouldn't necessarily mean they are an emotionally unhealthy partner.

Edited August 15, 2023 by mark clemson