Navigating a new relationship

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He's 150% divorced. I even looked up the public record myself to make sure. 

Thanks for clarifying. Can I ask, what prompted you to look up his public records? Also, why are you both discussing marriage after such a short amount of time? Are you looking for a husband and trying to get him to fit the bill? If so, that is a mistake.

[amkxoxo]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Thanks for clarifying. Can I ask, what prompted you to look up his public records? Also, why are you both discussing marriage after such a short amount of time? Are you looking for a husband and trying to get him to fit the bill? If so, that is a mistake.

Previously when I online dated, I met guys who were in the midst of messy divorces, child custody cases, had pending court cases for crimes, DUI's. So when he and I first met, I quickly looked him up to make sure he isn't involved in anything bad, and saw his completed divorce record. All was as he said. 

Edited August 10, 2023 by amkxoxo

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

We hangout at my home on almost every date

That is a red flag to me. 

We are in the middle of the summer with tons of free activities in parks, museums, beach, free outside concert and movies, festivals. 

Who's idea is it to be staying home?

[amkxoxo]

Just now, Gaeta said:

That is a red flag to me. 

We are in the middle of the summer with tons of free activities in parks, museums, beach, free outside concert and movies, festivals. 

Who's idea is it to be staying home?

He never suggests we do anything like that. I've suggested stuff like that. Sometimes we sit outside in my yard and he likes that. He usually goes to work for 5am, gets out at 2, takes a nap until 4, then comes over at 5 and stays until 8pm. Then he has to head home get ready for work, make his lunch for next day. And he's in bed by 9. 

[Alpacalia]

Thanks again for clarifying.

4 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

Previously when I online dated, I met guys who were in the midst of messy divorces, child custody cases, had pending court cases for crimes, DUI's. So when he and I first met, I quickly looked him up to make sure he isn't involved in anything bad, and saw his completed divorce record. All was as he said. 

Okay, I understand why you decided to research his background. Sounds like you've had a string of bad experiences online and wanted to be sure you weren't setting yourself up for another one. That's reasonable.

You said he drinks a lot of smokes cigars. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but that is the complete opposite of you. It's important to date someone that is compatible, and this goes beyond the superficial. If he likes to drink and smoke cigars with his friends that is not going to necessarily be your cup of tea and vice-versa. Consider that for a few weeks before discussing anything further.

[amkxoxo]

12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Thanks again for clarifying.

Okay, I understand why you decided to research his background. Sounds like you've had a string of bad experiences online and wanted to be sure you weren't setting yourself up for another one. That's reasonable.

You said he drinks a lot of smokes cigars. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but that is the complete opposite of you. It's important to date someone that is compatible, and this goes beyond the superficial. If he likes to drink and smoke cigars with his friends that is not going to necessarily be your cup of tea and vice-versa. Consider that for a few weeks before discussing anything further.

I understand. I'm fine having some drinks with him. I like drinking. He only drinks socially. I don't like smoking, but don't mind if he wants to do that. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He never suggests we do anything like that. I've suggested stuff like that

And what happens when you suggest activities like that?

From 17h to 20h you have plenty of time to go for a strole and an ice cream. 

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I understand. I'm fine having some drinks with him. I like drinking. He only drinks socially. I don't like smoking, but don't mind if he wants to do that. 

Okay. Sometimes some women are so hyper-focused on finding “the one” that they overlook some very important aspects of a relationship. They may not take the time to get to know the person they are dating and instead jump right in with a serious commitment. They may also be too afraid to take risks and end up settling for someone who isn't truly compatible with them.

That's why it is typically advised not to go head first into a serious relationship.

That's why I was also curious if you were examining him to see if he fit a certain criteria. That's not a good way to approach the dating world. It's like shopping for a car rather than making a connection. As for him, well, he seems to have good qualities but his behavior is a bit concerning.

While everyone goes through financial pressure, it could be something lingering from his divorce, so let him know that you're there to listen. Talk to him about the physical side of things too. Let him know how much it hurts your feelings when he says he can't finish because of his stomach issues. That's a vulnerable and intimate thing to talk about, but it's important to feel safe and be aware of any potential problems there. I understand that it may leave you feeling insecure. He may be feeling embarrassed about his issues. Hard to say what's going on with him, but don't be too hard on yourself either.

As for him wanting to hang out with his guy friends, you need to be comfortable with that, but make sure that you are spending quality time with him too. He obviously values friendships and you should too. Being comfortable in a relationship is about both people finding a balance. It's not about shifting your expectations to fit his. He can still plan dates for you and make time to be with you, without his friends.

Have you laid out what you need? I need more x, y, z? Then, be willing to compromise. If he comes through one time, but doesn't come through another time, don't be too hard on him. Be willing to accept that things don't always go according to plan. If you've been together under 2 months, it's ok to have expectations, but don't expect perfection.

As for marriage and trips to meet his family, it could be easy for him to get swept away in the excitement of the relationship. Feelings are high right now and it could be making him suggest something that may not be sensible at this time.

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, amkxoxo said:

We hangout at my home on almost every date. I have him to my home to enjoy it. A few days ago I cooked him a really nice homemade dinner. 

And your point is?

[amkxoxo]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

And your point is?

I think I have done for him. If I need to do more, then what should I do?

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I think I have done for him. If I need to do more, then what should I do?

Inviting him over and cooking one dinner is nothing compared to what you said he has done for you.

Is it all of his time that you actually want?

My main concern here though is his health issues that you don't seem to have any regard for.

Edited August 10, 2023 by JTSW

[Gaeta]

@amkxoxo: what is the real time line of this relationship? When did you start dating exclusively?

[Alpacalia]

On their 4th date they become exclusive (7/24) so they've been in a relationship for 2 weeks...

[Kassieee]

He got held up helping his friend with a house project. I think it shows his character that he's not quick to ditch a friend who needs help- I would be happy about that. Some people get into a relationship, especially in the beginning and start neglecting their long time friends.

As long as he knows how to balance a relationship with you AND his friends- they were there before you...then I don't see the problem. You have to go with the flow sometimes.

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

they've been in a relationship for 2 weeks...

2 weeks and she is complaining this much already. 

It really does concern me that she doesn't take his health issues seriously.

[Alpacalia]

Yeah, sorry, this is overkill for two weeks. He's probably overwhelmed. And it may be a case of him wanting to ensure he's still in control of his environment. OP, what are you looking to navigate at two weeks? He probably has stomach issues because he's being catapulted out of a cannon.

[amkxoxo]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yeah, sorry, this is overkill for two weeks. He's probably overwhelmed. And it may be a case of him wanting to ensure he's still in control of his environment. OP, what are you looking to navigate at two weeks? He probably has stomach issues because he's being catapulted out of a cannon.

I don't mean to stress him. I'm not initiating and trying to pin him down for all this stuff or commitments. He was the one always saying about meeting his friends and family. He suggested we go on the trip with his family. I never initiated or said I wanted that. 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, amkxoxo said:

He was the one always saying about meeting his friends and family. He suggested we go on the trip with his family. I never initiated or said I wanted that. 

Then why are you complaining about it not happening immediately.?

[Alpacalia]

12 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I don't mean to stress him. I'm not initiating and trying to pin him down for all this stuff or commitments. He was the one always saying about meeting his friends and family. He suggested we go on the trip with his family. I never initiated or said I wanted that. 

I think this was doomed from the start. I'm not saying that he didn't say things that seem to be true, but as a two week old relationship and not properly dating it's an awful lot of things that are happening. I think he has been pulling away. It's okay to suggest something or bring it up once or twice, but then back off so he can process things and come to his own conclusions.

You mentioned in your other thread that you feel that you're not interesting or that you don't have the capacity to be entertaining for him (or something to that effect, I can't recall word for word) but it sounds like you should look into why you feel that way and work on it before continuing with this (or any) relationship. It's important to feel you can offer something to the other person in the relationship, both in terms of entertainment and emotional availability.

Part of me feels that maybe you're unknowingly looking to him for those things and it's not his job to provide those things to you. Only you can do that.

Edited August 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He suggested we go on the trip with his family.

And you said?

This is WAY too early to go on a family trip!! you don't know him enough, you don't know yet what he's made of. Too much too soon is the perfect recipe if you're looking for a crash & burn relationship.

Edited August 10, 2023 by Gaeta

[Kassieee]

@amkxoxo Reset. just breathe, and take it easy. Enjoy your relationship and stop overthinking and over analyzing. Before everything gets sabotaged. 

1 hour ago, amkxoxo said:

He never suggests we do anything like that. I've suggested stuff like that. Sometimes we sit outside in my yard and he likes that. He usually goes to work for 5am, gets out at 2, takes a nap until 4, then comes over at 5 and stays until 8pm. Then he has to head home get ready for work, make his lunch for next day. And he's in bed by 9. 

Oh wow. With his schedule...yeah....it must be exhausting. He probably just wants to chill and enjoy your company and that's enough for him. You're his peace. If you're bored with that and it's not fulfilling, maybe not the relationship for you.

[amkxoxo]

6 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

@amkxoxo Reset. just breathe, and take it easy. Enjoy your relationship and stop overthinking and over analyzing. Before everything gets sabotaged. 

Oh wow. With his schedule...yeah....it must be exhausting. He probably just wants to chill and enjoy your company and that's enough for him. You're his peace. If you're bored with that and it's not fulfilling, maybe not the relationship for you.

He pretty much told me this the other day. That he loves to relax with me. He's comfortable just being with me and chilling after a long day. 

[Versacehottie]

12 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I feel like maybe, he has a life without me, outside of me. He definitely spends time with me. But I don't have much of a bustling social life. I love doing things with him. A lot of my friends are married and having babies, so they aren't as into doing stuff like going to concerts and bars. He likes going out for drinks at this local club where he is a member. He talks about me coming with him, but then goes with his guy friends. I think so he can drink a lot and smoke cigars. I drink moderately, and don't smoke. 

He goes to concerts and parties. My friends just aren't doing that. Again, he goes with friends so he can drink and smoke cigars not around me. He says how he'll bring me to meet them, but then never does, or hasn't so far. 

I know he cares for me though, it's not that. 

 

I wonder if part of the reason you are LEGITIMATELY bothered is because of the bolded above: this guy sounds like he has plenty of money to spend hanging out with his friends: concerts, bars, lots of drinks, cigars but apparently none when it comes to spending time with you. No creativity, no money to spend on you. I always think a person should be extremely weary of what "patterns" they ALLOW with their new partner, ie perhaps you want to see him with a lot of frequency...so much so that you are allowing it to be that you guys doing boring, low-effort stuff. 

I wonder if part of the reason you are NOT LEGITIMATELY bothered is because of the underlined above: you don't have much of a bustling or perhaps much at all of your own social life. Going back to 3 weeks ago, just prior to your 4th date, on your other thread, I said as much that you needed to have something of your own. Reading through the lines of your post at that time (as well as ones from a long time ago), I think you are so focused on"'getting a boyfriend" that you don't have much social substance of your own. And/or think that a boyfriend will be the magic cure to "filling out" your social happiness portion of your life. I also think if you read between the lines of this current post, you might see yourself in dangerous of doing everything on his terms or it being one-sided. Part of that is if he has a more robust social life and you have very little social life, you are making yourself available to him always and he will drop out when he has other priorities or things important to him when he spends time with his friends (not necessarily a diss on you, it's part of who he is though you seem to get hurt by it). Also you have "settled" for a low effort, not creative time which he can drop out of at a moment's notice because you have nothing else going on effectively...which also sends the message that you will always "be there" and/or accept low effort, low creativity time spent together.  Some things to think about for sure.

[Alpacalia]

What profession is he in, if you don't mind me asking?

[Kassieee]

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

We hangout at my home on almost every date. I have him to my home to enjoy it. A few days ago I cooked him a really nice homemade dinner. 

I have men in my life ( family) who have the similar schedules as him....waking up that early and they are pretty much the same way. They are too exhausted to go out especially during the week, after work and they just want to lay around the house, watch t.v with their S/O. 

I wonder because his schedule is set up that way is why he wanted to invite you on a family trip....only real time he will have to actually do something. Is it too soon... depends on the circumstances and the couple.