I caved in, and I got angry

[HimynameisAJ]

So I was dating this girl, and she has some very bad trust issues, it's the slightest thing that can trigger her emotion.

she has a huge problem with the fact I work with a fair few female co-workers, I get it.

for 4 months straight there has been constant accusations, assumptions, and even ideas of me "DMing women", "prepping my phone so I delete messages" which are untrue, I have even given my passcode out to my phone so she can check, she believes not only I delete messages, but the women I message do too.

it's hard to battle.

the last arguments were from her asking a question, and I asked a question.

So I have a beard, and sometimes it gets in the way, so I asked my girl was, "what do you think about goatees?

she was thrown off, and wondered why I asked.

there was no reason and I was making conversation.

she proceeded to not believe it was a question and that a woman from work suggested I have one, and that was not true, so my girl didnt believe me.

Then the next time, she was asking about my situation with work, regarding my wage increase etc. and she asked...

"have you spoken to anyone else about your situation?"

i said, no, because I don't care for anyones opinion, she said I dodged the question and immediately questioned my answer.

so she believes I've spoken to women in question.

so, with all this going on, and 4 months of false claims, with accusation, assumptions, that out of sheer frustration, I said I have cheated and agreed to her false accusations that I have, and called her every name imaginable.

she replied, "I knew it"

I feel numb, and I felt bad for calling her really bad names.

i was so so angry, and reached a boiling point.

it was like, she was poking me with a stick constantly, I said I did cheat, which I never have done, and with my reaction, she has ended communication, and blames my reaction.

was I wrong? Would any other person acted the same?

 

Edited July 31, 2023 by HimynameisAJ
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[SlimShadysWife]

You called her names? So what...if the shoe fits. 

I understand getting out of character after being constantly abused and just taking it. She's emotionally abusive, she's going to drain you. Only thing you have to be sorry for is dealing with her for this long.

[basil67]

The only thing you did wrong was spend four months with her.  Her behaviour should have been a dealbreaker as soon as you recognised a trend.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, HimynameisAJ said:

, I said I have cheated and agreed to her false accusations that I have, and called her every name imaginable.

Please reconsider the relationship it seems quite toxic and abusive. It's only a few months so cut your losses. Next time don't let anyone rifle through your phone. Once it gets to that point, it's better to walk away.

[MsJayne]

Sounds like she has some serious personal issues which result in her being a paranoid bully and a toxic menace.  Bullies provoke rage in other people so don't feel bad about calling her a few names, just be glad you got rid of her.  I'd block her on all platforms, just in case she tries to come back and dish out more of her garbage. 

[Alpacalia]

Try to look at like that you allowed someone to get you so worked up that you felt the need to lash out.

You were obviously feeling overwhelmed and needed a way to express it. Everyone has their breaking points and that may have been yours. Often when we don't recognize a problem and take accountability when we are wrong we allow situations to escalate and lead to bigger issues.

Look, I'll be the first one to say that I've lost my verbal dignity far too many times and as a result have had to model my behavior. It's not easy for any of us when in such a heated and raw emotional state. My mother would gaslight the pants off me because she had a bad dependence on benzos, but her remedy to gaslighting is a whole other story! I hate to admit I lost my cool a few times with her.

I think you did the right thing afterward by apologizing.

That shows you recognized the issue, took ownership and tried to amend the situation.

I understand this girl has trust issues, but it's not her place to validate whether you have or have not done something. At the same time, it's not ok to assume things and make accusations. You were already triggered by her prior of trust issues and the assumptions you experienced, so it only made it worse.

Now you have to realize that perhaps instead of putting so much energy into this- either finding out if it is true and then defending yourself, and instead of allowing this girl to continue to project on you, you should direct your energy to focus on your own feelings in the situation.

It's really important to be honest and own your own emotions. It's not worth trying to please her or trying to make her believe what you say- as she won't and you both need to move on. I would suggest removing yourself completely from the situation and not staying in contact with her. That way you can take a step back and refocus your energy on your own emotions and feelings.

Good luck!!!

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, HimynameisAJ said:

so, with all this going on, and 4 months of false claims, with accusation, assumptions, that out of sheer frustration, I said I have cheated and agreed to her false accusations that I have, and called her every name imaginable.

Wow, this is brutal. Why didn't you break up with her instead? 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, HimynameisAJ said:

was I wrong? Would any other person acted the same?

Yes, you were wrong. 

You made a false confession. That doesnìt make sense. You called her bad names, which isn't cool. However, I get why you were incredibly frustrated and reached a breaking point. I once dated a man like this - no answer was ever good enough for him and he twisted everything in his delusional mind to fit the narrative that I had been with other men (I hadn't)

The difference is that I dumped him rather than stick around for more nonsense. You should have done the same. There's no point worrying about it now, though. It's over. I would urge you to reflect on why you tolerated this for 4 whole months though, and you didn't break up with her for her unstable and inappropriate behaviour. 

[glows]

It wasn’t ok to call her names or become verbally abusive. In future end the situation and walk away. She clearly is insecure and uncomfortable around you. You’re both not compatible. 

Recognize this early on and don’t stay this long.

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

The only thing you did wrong was spend four months with her. 

@HimynameisAJ, 100% this.

Break up and get as far away from her as possible.

She is a walking nasty toxic bomb.

There is no future at all with someone like this and she will get worse and worse.

She needs help. On your way out tell her she is going to end up alone forever and greatly disliked if this is how she treats completely innocent boyfriends.

Edited August 1, 2023 by JTSW

[BaileyB]

17 hours ago, HimynameisAJ said:

so, with all this going on, and 4 months of false claims, with accusation, assumptions, that out of sheer frustration, I said I have cheated and agreed to her false accusations that I have, and called her every name imaginable.

was I wrong? Would any other person acted the same?

Yes, you were clearly wrong. You lost your cool and you verbally abused her. Whether you felt provoked or not, it’s not cool to call her “every name imaginable.” Next time, walk away. 

Personally, I would have long ago ended the relationship. I’m not interested in dating someone with whom I have to constantly defend my integrity and intentions. 

Edited August 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

If you made a false confession without having a gun to your head, then you are the problem.

If you stayed with someone who treated you with insecure paranoia, and you just kept going in the relationship, the problem is you.

Of course, she is troubled. But you are equally as troubled to stay with someone who is troubled.

You dump someone like this the second time (third in extreme) that they accuse you of something you didn't do. 

In other words, you don't go four months. You dump them after 2 weeks. Maybe a week. You are way too passive. I get it--I had my passive period. But you are so extremely passive that your rage took over and you lashed out at her and called her names. That means you were sitting in a room with a fire alarm going off and heat increasing and increasing and smoke gathering and you're barely able to breathe-- and only at the last second do you give yourself permission to flee the room. What's up with that?

Read some articles on how to say "no" to people. 

[smackie9]

When the person you are with brings out the worst in you, it's time to end it. She's nasty, she's manipulative, she's looking for a fight....she craves that s$%^&. She gets off on it. Dude run for the hills!