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Is divorce the right call?

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Routine evening

I’ve been together with my husband a total of 7 years. Married a little over a year, long distance dating for about 6. I was generally always unhappy in the marriage. Everything was always his way, never my way. I for the most part always  caved in and did what he wanted. He wanted me to wfh, be a house wife, do all the chores, cook what he wanted when he wanted, etc. I thought that’s what a good wife does, listen to her husband support him. During the year of marriage, I found out lots of things about him. 
The last couple months we fought constantly. He was always generally a miserable person. Hated his job but when I asked why he could never give me a straight answer just that he hated it. We both wfh and being around him made me miserable. I had a very hard time being wfh got lots of cabin fever, lonely, missed my family, friends, the office. After we married I moved in with him. I lived 1 hour away from my family. Most weekends I wanted to make the drive to see them and he always tagged along refused to let me go alone but always complained he hated staying at my parents. My parents started to notice his attitude little by little and asked me in private if everything was ok. I would just tell them work bothered him or he was tired etc.
He frequently changed jobs. If there was something he didn’t like he’d quit, move to another state. (Hence the long distance when we dated).
He began applying for other jobs after a year of being at his current never got anywhere. Applied again once we got married and started landing interviews, with my help. I revamped his resume, put in applications for him. Most of the jobs he applied to he applied based on location not the job itself. Most of which he rarely consulted with me about. He landed an interview for a job,  interview went terrible but his veterans preference got him a tentative offer. The job was now about 10 hours away from my family. I at first was on board until I found out more details like the job was not in his field, lateral pay to a more expensive city, he had no experience in this field etc. then I started taking it hard, worrying more and more, telling him to reconsider. He refused. I asked my job if it was ok to relocate and it was ok but needed to be approved with higher ups on my end once a final offer was extended to him. I felt better but still struggled. I ended up telling my mom my dilemma. She said she couldn’t tell me what to do as I was married but should follow him. She was devastated I’d be leaving but nothing she could do. She did mention she felt he had an alterior motive-moving closer to his mom.
 I did confront him about this (didn’t disclose my mom suspected) but he assured me that was not the only reason. We went to couples counseling, to visit the city, he mentioned career progression, finally settling down, etc. all things I wanted so I believed him but SPOILER ALERT I found out he was a mommas boy a couple months into the marriage. Anytime we’d have to make an important decision, he’d call her and she’d provide her opinion, every time. He once even said he values her opinion over mine any day. 
And so months went by, this final job offer dragged but he gets an interview for another remote position. He does well in the interview. The job is in his field, higher pay, the catch he has to stay in the area. He tells the interview panel he’s looking to leave, received a tentative offer, I guess he could stay since his wife’s from here but prefers to leave was his answer. There’s an opportunity in this state close by they say but he says oh I’ve heard that states crazy but we’ll see. I confront him like wtf. What was all this career progression bs when he basically sabotaged a better job. He says in 1 year he’d be making the same in the other job but I tell him that’s a year wasted! Wtf! He says he hates it here and has made it clear. This job -lateral, no experience- is better. I’m shocked. Lateral no experience job is 4 hours away from his family, 10 hours from mine. 
The final offer drags, he gives notice to the landlord we’re leaving. I confront him again and tell him he should wait until a firm offer is extended. He says it will be. We technically have nowhere to go. I tell my parents the dilemma and they have no problem with us staying but say his decision was not thought through. I had only told my dad weeks prior I was moving and he’s confused I tell him weeks later idk if he got the job but he gave notice to the landlord and we have to be out soon, we have nowhere to live. 
He started packing after receiving the tentative offer, notified his current job, started contacting movers, etc. all while no firm plans were set. 
Then I had to work at the office, someone had hit my car months prior, took months for the body shop to fix, so I relied on him for transportation all that time. When he picked me up he tells me the landlord called wanted us out, we need to start packing  heavier items in the next couple days, sleep on the floor, cut the Internet- which I need for work- and basically hurry up and do what he wants. Then he says if I take the job that requires me to stay I need to contribute more than half my paycheck to our joint account, start looking for other jobs so I’ll stop complaining I miss the office- plus I need to make sure they pay more- no way he’s buying a house and settling down and he says since he’s been here near my family and rarely sees his family all but 1-3 times a year that’s how many times I’ll see mine once we move. I’m shocked, angry, sad. He says he’s been staying here doing what I want for 3 years so he’s done.(another long story as when we dated he took this job he hated to be closer to me because I complained about being long distance as I always flew to see him. He saw me once). I felt he was aggressive and resentful. I had no idea he kept tabs on what I did/didn’t do only to throw it back at me. 
I confronted him about this 3 days later only because as this occurred after he picked me up from work I had to stop by my parents to collect my belongings. 
He again became very aggressive, resentful, and told me [ ] off, twice. 
I was again shocked, didn’t know what to do, I called my godmother who told me you’re grown I can’t tell you what to do but he disrespected you. I started packing my things in the middle of the night as he stayed on the couch playing video games. I had received my car from the body shop earlier that day. I had to wake him from his nap to drive me to the body shop and picked it up. I stuffed my car with as much stuff as I could lift and as much stuff as could fit and drove to my parents house and got home at 1am. The next day I asked for their help to move heavier items like my wfh equipment, furniture, etc. we encountered him in the driveway, he contemplated stopping, but didn’t. I haven’t seen him since. 
He called me a week later, half assed apologized. I told him I wanted a divorce. Told him I want nothing but his signature and to keep it amicable he said ok. 
He called me a couple days later, requesting I pay the movers, I did.
He calls me a couple days later, telling me he did not get the remote job but he got the other job which meant we’re moving. I told him I’m staying with my parents for now. He’s going with his mom but hasn’t been released for
 Job he hates. 
And so fast forward to this week- I filed for divorce. I’m asking for no money, told the attorney he could keep all monies in the joint account and his car. I called him after my consultation with the attorney and he’s furious! What are my reasons? He’s shocked I was never happy in the marriage! Wants the ring back! Totally blindsided he says. He wants to say his final goodbye, I tell him it’s not necessary. He texts me a very long story of how much he loves me, saddened by divorce, blah, blah. (He was a chatgpt user so idk if that was him or chat bot).
But anyways, leaving juicy details out like I found out during marriage like he frequented prostitutes, was previously addicted to pills, his mother hated me, I hated her-am I wrong in divorcing him? I have love for him but was miserable. I thought marriage would be different with him.  I didn’t want the life he laid out for me so aggressively and resentfully. A part of me even feared it was going to lead to domestic abuse.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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May I ask why you're seeking advice on whether you are wrong?  It all seems pretty clear cut to me

Edited by basil67
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Yes, in my opinion the decision to divorce is way over due.  You mos definitely did the right thing. Your marriage we too toxic.

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You’ll probably flip flop in your decision as it was such a rush removing your things and the way things have happened while you planned to stay with your parents. 

You also seem to have a few strong beliefs in what marriage ought to be (as most do). He didn’t live up to that. It’s ok to grieve the end or loss of those expectations when a marriage fails. Speak to a counsellor who specializes in separation/divorce. I didn’t hear about any kids so there’s less to coordinate or worry about in regards to coparenting. 

When did he go to prostitutes? See your dr if you haven’t already and get a full medical check up including STD check if you haven’t already. Let go for good and don’t stay in contact with this person. By his behaviour and actions he’s shown you he’s operating as a one man marriage. Life is too unstable and dishonest with him.  

Edited by glows
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12 hours ago, Routine evening said:

I’I filed for divorce. I’m asking for no money, told the attorney he could keep all monies in the joint account and his car. I called him after my consultation with the attorney and he’s furious! 

Are you staying with your parents? Since you've contacted and engaged an attorney stop communicating with him directly.

Please follow your attorneys advice. It's not up to you how to dissolve the marriage and divide the marital assets. That's a court decision based on negotiations between your attorney and your husband's attorney. 

Focus on reducing conflicts getting your paperwork in order and reestablishing your life after divorce.

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On 7/30/2023 at 3:58 AM, Routine evening said:

am I wrong in divorcing him? 


After everything he put you through and the way he controlled, manipulated, mistreated you?

I'm baffled you are even asking that question.

Here's my question: Could you have continued to live like that with such a narcissist? Being controlled and treated like crap?

If the answer is no then you have the answer to your question.

You did the right thing and good for you for standing up for yourself.

He just wanted you well away from your family and he wanted to be near his mommy.

He had no respect for you at all.

He didn't give a crap about you or what you wanted, only about what he wanted.

I'm surprised you didn't leave years ago.

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