Get Married or Let Her Go?

[skiman900]

I met a beautiful woman and we fell in love.  We've only been together for 5 months, but her lease was up and so she and her son moved in with me.  She is not a US citizen and her visa recently expired.  She came over on an investment visa 4 years ago with her husband at the time.  They are divorced now, but she lost her visa status after the divorce.  I have spoken with several immigration attorneys and her only option to become legal is to get married.  I know a lot of you may believe that she is pushing a marriage because her only goal is citizenship, but she is simply not that person.  She is extremely loving, kind, sensitive and caring, and I think deep down she would prefer to go back to her home country, but she is here with me because she truly loves me and wants to build a life and grow old together.

I'm really struggling with the idea of getting married so fast.  I love her and I can see a future with her (kids, marriage, growing old together), but since she moved in our relationship has been very rocky.  There are plenty of happy times, but we also have many disagreements/arguments.  I have lived alone for the last 10 years (I'm 40 and she's 32) and I'm accustomed to having my house very clean and in order.  She and her son are very messy and their 2 cats (I hate cats) make the living situation uncomfortable and stressful for me.  She said if we got married and I really couldn't stand the cats that her sister would take them. 

It's not any one thing that bothers me enough to want to break things off with her, but it's the totality of all these issues that is causing me a great deal of anxiety/stress, and causing serious hesitation with pulling the trigger on a marriage.  If we get married and I sponsor her for citizenship, I'm agreeing to financially support her and her son for 10 years or until they become citizens.  She doesn't have a college degree and has never had a job (her ex husband whom she married at 19 was extremely wealthy - he bankrupted his companies before the divorce and hid all his assets in other countries, so she received almost nothing in the divorce) so it's all on me to support her and her son for the foreseeable future.  I'm not rich by any means, but I think I make enough to accomplish this, even though it will basically cut my income in half.

Until we get married, she can't get a driver's license or drive a car, obtain health insurance, continue her education, get a job, or become a legal citizen.  She is basically locked in the house all day while I'm at work.  She has been very patient and understanding, waiting for me to feel that I'm ready to marry her, but I'm concerned because her whole life is on hold because of me and I think being stuck at home all the time is affecting her happiness and mental health. 

I don't know when I will feel ready to marry her.  When I think about proposing and getting married, I feel sick and anxious, but I feel the same way when I think about her leaving.  I've never felt so stuck on a decision in my life.  Normally I'm very decisive.  I want to get married and have children, but I want to make sure it's with the right woman and that it's forever.  All my friends are married or married with children, so my life is very lonely without a wife/girlfriend.  I also don't meet many people these days due to working a lot and my friends always busy with their families.

I am so torn and I just don't know what to do.  It's basically marry her in the next 3-4 months or break up...  Any advice or guidance would be much appreciated.  Thanks for taking the time to read about my dilemma.   

[mark clemson]

10 minutes ago, skiman900 said:

I met a beautiful woman and we fell in love.  We've only been together for 5 months, but her lease was up and so she and her son moved in with me.  She is not a US citizen and her visa recently expired. 

I am so torn and I just don't know what to do.

 

Completely understandable that you feel torn. Even though she's not a gold-digger/citizenship seeker, nonetheless, the course of wisdom would definitely be to NOT get married after only five months together.

[skiman900]

Thanks for the reply Mark.  I agree with you that 5 months or even 12 is too soon to make a life long commitment, but I'm not sure how much longer she can stand to be locked in the house with no freedom and her whole life on hold...  I feel so guilty and also that if I don't marry her that I may end up alone for the rest of my life.  I was in a 7 year relationship before this one and it took me 5 years to find someone and fall in love again.  In another 5 years, I'll be 45 and probably won't be able to date a woman young enough to have children...

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, skiman900 said:

I feel so guilty and also that if I don't marry her that I may end up alone for the rest of my life.  I was in a 7 year relationship before this one and it took me 5 years to find someone and fall in love again.  In another 5 years, I'll be 45 and probably won't be able to date a woman young enough to have children...

This is desperation talking. I dont see any reason for needing to find a partner by a certain age - for me, my only “goal” is to only marry if a partner is going to make my life better. Not financially but emotionally and mentally. I want someone who will bring out the best in each other and make us better people. I want a relationship that is built on trust and understanding, not just a quick fix for loneliness.

Getting married solely out of desperation due to the fear of running out of time is the biggest mistake one can make. However, waiting idly for things to happen is not a viable option either.

Why the urgency? Is she on the verge of having to go back to her own country? Or is it because she can't do anything on her own? What has she been doing all this time before you came along?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, skiman900 said:

.  In another 5 years, I'll be 45 and probably won't be able to date a woman young enough to have children...

Sorry this is happening. You're already having conflicts with her living there. While her situation is unfortunate, at some level you know you would be marrying for all the wrong reasons.

It's good you're looking into the legalities and consequences. That's all you can do as well as trust your instincts.

[skiman900]

Thanks for the reply Alpacalia.  I don't believe I'm considering a marriage with her out of desperation or a quick fix for loneliness, although those may have a slight influence in the back of my mind, they are not the main reason for the difficulty involved in this decision... I'm extremely picky when it comes to women and I rarely meet a romantic interest that I genuinely enjoy spending time with and can't get enough of.  She is only one of a few woman who has ever kept my attention and held my heart, which is why I'm trying so hard to be open to getting married so fast and accepting some things that make me uncomfortable. I agree that a relationship should bring out the best in each other and I'm not sure if we are doing that or not, sometimes it seems that we bring out the best in each other and sometimes it seems like we bring out the worst in each other. 

I don't feel like I need to find a partner by a certain age, but I would very much like to experience adventures and travel while we're young and also still be able to have children, so I guess that's why after turning 40 I'm feeling a sense of urgency.  I also don't want to be an old man dad lol

There is a sense of urgency on her part because she can't drive, obtain health insurance, get her degree, or work until we are married and she has a temporary green card.  She also can't leave the US to visit her mom or sister in Peru without a green card because they won't let her come back to the US, since her Visa is expired - even though she applied for an extension.  So basically her whole life is on hold to see where things go with us, which I understand is her decision, but I still feel the pressure and I can tell I'm running out of time before she can't take it anymore. 

Before we met she was doing everything a normal citizen would do in Florida - her Visa just expired last month.  She was driving all over, going to dinner with friends, going to the beach, playing tennis with her son, yoga etc.  She was very active and always on the go, so it's been difficult for her not have her freedom.  Also, she moved to Wisconsin, which is where I live, so she doesn't have friends to pick her up either...

[skiman900]

Thanks Wiseman2.  You're right, we are definitely having conflicts while living together.  She's not used to picking up after herself or the cats because her ex husband had chefs, maids, and a nanny for her son.  I know it's a huge change for her and her son, and perhaps with time things would improve?  I don't know...

You're right.  I know deep down that the citizenship stuff is not a reason to rush into marriage.  I guess I'm just struggling with the whole decision because she is a really good woman and I love her deeply.  I wish we could just take our time and date, but her whole life is on hold without being a citizen...  She's one of those women who's all in and willing to do whatever it takes.  She's loving, kind, and patient with me, and we have a lot of fun together.  I think she would make a good wife, but I need more time to understand if we are compatible despite being in love.

My instincts are that she could be the one, but I'm not sure yet...  How does one know if she's the one?  Or how long does it take to know if she's the one?  I believe I read that experts recommend dating for at least 1 year before getting married, with those dating 2-3 years having the lowest divorce rate.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Until you know what to do with the both of you and this Marriage Management, I would send her back to her own country and  go visit her or have her come visit you once in awhile.  This all sounds toxic and unhealthy.  If you marry Her, You will find yourself going broke to the bank in supporting her and also in other things such as getting on the same page.  I would pack her up and send her back on the next plane and go see her at Christmas.  You said she probably wants to be there anyways.😑

Edited July 27, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, skiman900 said:

I'm really struggling with the idea of getting married so fast. Since she moved in our relationship has been very rocky.  She and her son are very messy and their 2 cats (I hate cats) make the living situation uncomfortable and stressful for me.  It's the totality of all these issues that is causing me a great deal of anxiety/stress.

If we get married and I sponsor her for citizenship, I'm agreeing to financially support her and her son for 10 years or until they become citizens.  She doesn't have a college degree and has never had a job. It's all on me to support her and her son for the foreseeable future.

When making life decisions, we must think not only with our heart, but also our head. When we follow one but not the other, we often live to regret that decision…

Please don’t marry this woman. For all of the reasons above reasons, you would be very unwise to marry this woman. Your gut is telling you not to marry her - the stress and anxiety that you are feeling is your body and your mind screaming at you to pay attention - pay attention. 

The fact that she has never worked and you would be financially responsible for her and her son for the foreseeable future - PLEASE don’t marry this woman. If she didn’t have immigration problems, you would never be considering marriage at this time… REALLY think about that. 

 

Edited July 28, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

5 months? Nah, come on. Date around and date other women who share your similar lifestyle and share the same type of housekeeping/cleanliness.

[MsJayne]

I don't think I believe that she secretly wants to go home but is staying because of you, to me it sounds more like she doesn't want to go home and gets to stay because of you. I do agree that citizenship isn't her only goal, I think she's after much more than that. How soon before her lease ran out did you meet? Have you verified her background story? Seems odd that her extremely wealthy ex would leave his child with very little, does he pay child support or contribute to the child in any way? Is he in the picture at all? Why did he not ensure that his son had a roof over his head? Have you met any of her other family or people who knew her and her husband when they were married? Call me a nasty old cynic, but her story sounds like one of those you hear on current affairs shows when a jilted, (and broke), lover complains of being scammed out of thousands. Aside from that, she doesn't respect the way you live. People with manners don't come stay at your house and pig the place up, nor do they argue with their generous host. Your anxiety is your brain's way of telling your heart to butt out of the decision making. What do your friends think of your situation? 

[Lotsgoingon]

If you are tortured about the decision, then you're not ready to get married or you don't really want to be married to this woman.

Marriage is something you want. You no more overrule your hesitation than you overrule fear if someone stops you on the street and pulls and gun and robs you. The fear is telling you something. Pay attention.

Your thinking is part of the problem. Marriage does not solve loneliness. That's just a kid’s thinking. Yes, many of us (maybe most) go through periods with that fantasy. But it is a fantasy as delusional as hearing the voices of space aliens. People unhappily married are often MORE lonely than single people. Being partnered does not solve loneliness. Sorry, that's a kid-fantasy. You want to talk about real loneliness and a feeling of failure--marry someone you don't wholeheartedly in mind and body want to marry. You will feel so lonely and embarrassed that you ignored your hesitations. I did that and yep, felt so stupid when I found myself in constant conflict with my ex.

You are also messed up in your thinking about friends. Having friends is essential to a good marriage. Otherwise, you're going to put too much weight on the marriage and no marriage or wife can substitute for friends. Doesn't work that way. 

You need to get a life. Build a great life outside of this woman. Part of your brain thinks marriage will give you that life and connection and solve the loneliness issue. The other part of the brain--those screaming doubts—are trying to tell you that your thinking on this is just wrong. 

 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, skiman900 said:

Thanks for the reply Alpacalia.  I don't believe I'm considering a marriage with her out of desperation or a quick fix for loneliness, although those may have a slight influence in the back of my mind, they are not the main reason for the difficulty involved in this decision... I'm extremely picky when it comes to women and I rarely meet a romantic interest that I genuinely enjoy spending time with and can't get enough of.  She is only one of a few woman who has ever kept my attention and held my heart, which is why I'm trying so hard to be open to getting married so fast and accepting some things that make me uncomfortable. I agree that a relationship should bring out the best in each other and I'm not sure if we are doing that or not, sometimes it seems that we bring out the best in each other and sometimes it seems like we bring out the worst in each other. 

I don't feel like I need to find a partner by a certain age, but I would very much like to experience adventures and travel while we're young and also still be able to have children, so I guess that's why after turning 40 I'm feeling a sense of urgency.  I also don't want to be an old man dad lol

There is a sense of urgency on her part because she can't drive, obtain health insurance, get her degree, or work until we are married and she has a temporary green card.  She also can't leave the US to visit her mom or sister in Peru without a green card because they won't let her come back to the US, since her Visa is expired - even though she applied for an extension.  So basically her whole life is on hold to see where things go with us, which I understand is her decision, but I still feel the pressure and I can tell I'm running out of time before she can't take it anymore. 

Before we met she was doing everything a normal citizen would do in Florida - her Visa just expired last month.  She was driving all over, going to dinner with friends, going to the beach, playing tennis with her son, yoga etc.  She was very active and always on the go, so it's been difficult for her not have her freedom.  Also, she moved to Wisconsin, which is where I live, so she doesn't have friends to pick her up either...

I can empathize with her situation and how hard it must be for her to not have her freedom, independence, or access to her family.

I also want to remind you that marriage is not a solution to these problems.

Marriage is a partnership. It is not a favor, an obligation, or a rescue. It is not fair to either of you to get married for the wrong reasons or with unrealistic expectations. You both deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your own right.

Yes, she needs to renew her visa and find alternative forms of transportation, but these issues can be resolved regardless of whether or not she is married.

Marriage would not necessarily make it any easier for her to resolve these issues. In fact, it could make it more complicated.

I think the best course of action is to support her with whatever she needs in order to renew her visa and find a form of transportation. Marriage should not be a prerequisite for helping her with her situation.

 

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, skiman900 said:

She and her son are very messy and their 2 cats (I hate cats) make the living situation uncomfortable and stressful for me. 

Have you asked her and her son to respect your rules and keep your house clean?

I'm guessing you have but they continue to be messy.

15 hours ago, skiman900 said:

If we get married and I sponsor her for citizenship, I'm agreeing to financially support her and her son for 10 years or until they become citizens.  She doesn't have a college degree and has never had a job (her ex husband whom she married at 19 was extremely wealthy - he bankrupted his companies before the divorce and hid all his assets in other countries, so she received almost nothing in the divorce) so it's all on me to support her and her son for the foreseeable future. 

Why has she never had a job? 

Is it her whole life she never had a job or just while she has been in your country?

I'm guessing it's her whole life, hence why she married a rich man so she can be taken care of.

I think you will end up very unhappy if you are the only one bringing in financial support while they sit on the butt and take advantage of you.

15 hours ago, skiman900 said:

She is basically locked in the house all day while I'm at work. 

Why can't she go out and take walks?

She could go grocery shopping etc.

There is absolutely no reason why she can't get off her butt and take up a hobby or something.

Dude, I get bad vibes from this and strongly encourage you not to marry her.

Of course she is kind and loving right now but that will likely completely change once you marry her.

I strongly feel that she is using you, like her rich ex husband who I'm guessing figured out her goal and hid everything before she could clear him out.

Don't do it OP!

[Els]

19 hours ago, skiman900 said:

I have spoken with several immigration attorneys and her only option to become legal is to get married.

If you're in the US, isn't there a fiance visa? You'd at least have an additional few months to decide, if you got one.

19 hours ago, skiman900 said:

If we get married and I sponsor her for citizenship, I'm agreeing to financially support her and her son for 10 years or until they become citizens

Realistically speaking, even if this wasn't a legal requirement, surely you must have understood when you started dating her that this might eventually be what happens? She has no college degree and no work experience/skills, and she has a child - even if she found a McJob to hire her for unskilled labour full-time, it's unlikely that she'd earn more than the cost of childcare. If this is a problem for you (understandably so), then it might be better to be more selective in the early stages of dating in the future? Frankly I don't understand why a 40+ yo man would be dating women with no qualifications and no job experience... but if you choose to do that, then this is a likely outcome.

Where is this ex-husband who divorced her? Why isn't he paying child support? I get that he hid his assets etc but that should be irrelevant to child support payments.

19 hours ago, skiman900 said:

Until we get married, she can't get a driver's license or drive a car

Why does an adult woman with a child not have a license? How does she bring her child to doctors' appointments, etc?

19 hours ago, skiman900 said:

I think deep down she would prefer to go back to her home country, but she is here with me because she truly loves me and wants to build a life and grow old together.

There's an easy way to test this - you can suggest that you move to her home country to be with her, and see what her response is.

Edited July 28, 2023 by Els

[JTSW]

5 minutes ago, Els said:

Where is this ex-husband who divorced her? Why isn't he paying child support?

I get the feeling that the ex husband isn't the father of her child either.

I think he was duped into marrying her too but came to his senses and divorced her.

[semble]

To the threadstarter. You and I are in very similar situations here, but there are some stark differences.

I will explain my situation and make a few recommendations.

A bit over a year ago I met a girl who is in the USA on a Visa which expires this coming February and cannot be renewed for at least a year, and at that point she'd still have limited access to the US, something like two 90 day stays per year but only one within a 6 month period. Also we are looking at property in another country (not her country) and it's a nightmarish almost impossible process made much easier if we are to marry, for reasons I won't get into here (it's complicated but if you or anyone is interested search on "Golden Visa").

We have 3 choices prior to then. Get married so she can stay here in the US, we go to her country and live there, or we split. She wants to stay together but understands my marriage concerns and her position is "I want to be with you, but it's gotta work for both of us". I am retiring in 2 months so I can move to her country, we've looked at houses there.. but I really don't want to. She owns a house near a big city and the rental income is a big part of her retirement money however she also has a well funded retirement plan. She's wealthy, but I'm worth considerably more, so in that way, you and I are both assuming financial liability here. A few months ago, as I was holding off on committing to marriage, she was making plans to move back to her country, inform her rental tenants the lease would not be renewed this August, and she had already spent a few thousand dollars to start the process to ship her dogs overseas and do a required quarantine once they get back there. I subsequently said I will "do the marriage thing" so we can stay together, she canceled those plans, her tenants renewed the lease..even if she was to return to her country and rent a place, and start the dog relocation process all over again. So at this point to change my mind would be nothing less than cruel.

You are also correct about the 10 year sponsorship thing. If you get divorced within 10 years and she applies for public assistance in the US, the government will likely come after you and you will be on the hook to support her at 1.5x the poverty rate which I understand is about $22,000 per year.

Another stark difference here besides that she and I are both wealthy is that there are no kids involved, although she has 2 small dogs and they're somewhat annoying and not completely housebroken and have piss accidents (no crap thankfully) but she agrees to keep them separated in the kitchen and front hallway where they have access to the outdoors. She is very neat as am I.

We're in our 60s and like you I'm not looking to start all over again, I don't have much of a social life, and she and I get along great, travel, share many similar interests so it "works" even though I wouldn't say we're "head over heels" for each other. So like you I have to decide if it's her, or a major life change moving overseas, or starting over.

The current plan- we marry before February and she applies for the green card. Worst case scenario, we split, we divorce, hopefully she'd never need public assistance nor challenge the prenup, she'd probably go back to her country, and I'd have two divorces under my belt. If she did stay in the US, and she did exhaust (or bury) her assets and successfully applied for public assistance, I'd be on the hook for around $22k per year for whatever number of years are left in the 10 year sponsorship. Not the end of the world.

Here's the recommendation I don't see anywhere on this thread- we are getting a prenup to protect premarital assets, waive support (other than what the government might require if she was to go on public assistance), and clearly define how joint marital funds will be divided at divorce. I had a half hour consultation with an attorney who specializes in this- and there are several clauses that make a prenup even more solid, including "if one party challenges the prenup and loses, they pay the winners legal fees". It also has a clause that both parties understand the US citizen is not trying to avoid their sponsorship duties with the prenup- without this clause it could be considered invalid and the entire prenup thrown out.

Finally. You MUST keep your premarital assets and funds separate from marital property to protect them.

 

 

Edited July 28, 2023 by semble

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, semble said:

Here's the recommendation I don't see anywhere on this thread- we are getting a prenup to protect premarital assets,

This is wise advice for anyone in a new relationship getting married or moving in together. It is particularly important if you have assets you want to protect and/or if the assets you both bring to the relationship are uneven. Wise advice indeed. 

[Stret]

It would bother me that she doesn't work but the house is also a mess. At least, when one person doesn't work, they should take over home duties and contribute that way. For me, this is a big red flag and a sign of a certain character that I wouldn't appreciate in a person. She seems to have a kind of princess complex. You might be in love now, but being in love goes away and is replaced with whatever is left. 
Are you sure it is a woman for you? You really need to think hard and objectively about the situation. 
If she does go back to her country, there is no reason why you two can't continue a relationship. But if that happens, you would have to have a conversation about the house cleaning and you would have to make some requests and draw some lines. Like this, she is not working and you are handling all the stress - not fair. 

[skiman900]

Thank you all so much for your responses and advice.  I don't actually know any of you, but I sincerely appreciate the time and effort you've taken to help me with this difficult decision.

Ageless Wisdom23 - I've mentioned the idea of her going back to Peru and us staying together.  I told her I would come visit her every 2-3 months and then when she gets her student visa approved, she could come live with me, and I would take care of all the bills while she gets through school.  She is not interested in that.  She is very much an all or nothing type of woman.  She said if she leaves, she will never come back and won't have any type of relationship or friendship with me.  Like I said, I think I can handle the financial responsibilities, but it would basically cut my income in half, and depending on how her spending habits go after we are married, it could be better or worse than I'm anticipating.

BaileyB - You are right.  My head is telling me all the reasons why this is a VERY bad idea (there are other red flags and issues from her past that I haven't mentioned as I don't want to cloud the issue at hand) but my heart truly loves her and is genuinely happy in her presence, which I haven't had in such a long time.  It's such a wonderful feeling to love someone and enjoy every waking moment with them...  I've only had one other long term relationship (7 years) and all the others have been very short (3-6 months), so it's hard for me to distinguish if it's a commitment problem in general or if she's just not the right one.  And you're also right about the immigration issue - if that wasn't hanging over our heads, I would take my time and just enjoy dating her without all of the pressure.

glows - I agree that 5 months of dating is not nearly enough time to consider a marriage, however I'm very picky when it comes to women and I don't live in a place (Milwaukee, WI) where there are beautiful women everywhere.  I've considered moving to Miami or Ft Lauderdale in the past (which is where I met her), but I can't move my business - I'd have to start completely over. 

MsJayne - You may be right...  She talks a lot about how poorly her mother and sister treat her and how she doesn't want to have to go live with them.  So perhaps it's less about me and more about what she doesn't want to go back to...?  We met about 2 months before her lease expired - she said she couldn't renew it unless she could show 1.5X the annual rent in her bank account (which she didn't have).  I've only been able to verify a little of her story - I've read the divorce agreement and verified it was actually filed in public records and I've seen her bank accounts, but otherwise there's not much else I can verify - I've never met any family members, only one of her friends (who I don't trust). The child is not her ex husband's son - she had the child with another man that she dated briefly - her ex husband raised her son, but it was not his child.  You're right about that - it's definitely a battle between my head and my heart...  All of my friends except for one think I'm insane for even considering a marriage with someone I've only known for such a short period of time, especially with all of the strings attached (child, cats, financial, immigration, etc.)

Lotsgoingon - I agree that I shouldn't be hesitating with the decision to propose and get married.  In my head, it seems like it should be one of the happiest and most exciting things to do in life, and yet I'm not feeling that way.  It's hard for me to distinguish if it's the pressure of the situation or if I truly don't want to marry her - and why wouldn't I want to marry someone that I love so deeply?  It doesn't make sense.  The only things that come to mind are our constant conflicts, which revolve mainly around what she needs from me to feel comfortable and safe, i.e. getting married or at least knowing that we are headed down the isle in the very near future.  I do very much want to get married, have a family, and build a life with someone, so I don't think that it's just that I'm not cut out for married life.  I'm over my party days - I like taking care of my body and the simple things in life.  I have good friends, but they are almost always too busy with their wives or families to do anything.  She has no friends here, which I know is a bit of a problem since it makes her rely primarily on our relationship.  My sister has befriended her, so that has given her some time out of the house, which is good for her. 

Alpacalia - I agree with everything you said.  I know how hard it must be for her to be without her freedom and I understand she doesn't want to wait around forever to obtain it, but since she moved in with me, getting married has been a constant point of discussion and conflict.  I've tried to explain to her that I need time to adjust and time to get to know her and her son - she says that after living together for 2-3 months we know everything we need to know.  As far as the visa goes - there is no way to renew it, as it's already expired.  I've spoken with several immigration attorneys and they have all told me the same thing - her only options are to get married or leave the country and apply for a student visa, tourist visa, or asylum (which she's not eligible for)

JTSW - Yes, I've asked for what I consider to be relatively basic things many times and nothing really changes - close the kitchen cabinets after opening them, throw away wrappers/garbage, clean/change the kitty litter daily, and just try to pick stuff up and put it away when you're done with it.  I like things neat and clean, but I'm not super OCD about it either.  She's never had a job because she started dating her ex husband on/off since she was 19 and he is VERY wealthy and took care of everything for her, everything from fancy clothes to trips around the world at 5 star hotels.  She had a job after the divorce working as a hostess at a big club and she said she really enjoyed it, but it was only for a few months.  I don't understand why she won't take walks or go to the park to play basketball or tennis with her son.  She has always lived downtown in big cities her whole life and I live in the suburbs on a lake - it's very nice, but very different from what she's used to.  She said she's uncomfortable walking by herself and worries that someone could just come out of their house and kidnap her.  I've explained what a safe neighborhood we live it, but she never leaves the house without me.  It's weird they don't even go outside in my yard, both her and her son stay inside all day and it's summer here, it's beautiful almost every day.  I've offered to pay for uber to take her and her son to play tennis while I'm at work, but she says she doesn't want to haul her equipment in an uber...

Els - there is a k-1 fiance visa for 90 days, but you can only apply for it if she's not already living in the US.  It's a visa to bring her here.  I didn't know she wasn't a citizen until we we're dating for about a month.  She said she was changing her visa to a student visa (which later got denied) and we were planning on having a long distance relationship for awhile (WI - FL).  I'm not so concerned with her working.  It would certainly help, especially with health insurance since I'm self employed, but it's not necessary.  It's more about the timeline to get married and the pressure I feel.  But you're right, definitely some questions I should have been asking when I first met her...  The ex husband lives in Ft Lauderdale and Peru.  The child is not his.  She had a valid drivers license until about a month ago, but she can't renew it because her visa is no longer valid as of a month ago.  She has asked me if I would move to Peru with her, but I've never been there and I don't want to close my business and move to a foreign country with a woman I've only known for 5 months.

semble - Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.  Although not exactly the same we are both in similar situations.  That is my understanding as well - $22K/year for her and $22K/year for her son, so I'd be on the hook for $44K/year for 10 years, which is a significant amount for me, but I think I could handle it, assuming my business doesn't go backwards.  I was very opposed to having her cats live in my house - I can't stand the smell and I was bit in the face by a cat as a child, so I don't trust them.  We agreed that the cats would stay in the basement (it's an exposed basement with lots of windows and most of it is finished, so it's a nice place for them).  However, a few weeks ago I come home to the cats upstairs.  She asked me to try and get used to the idea because she never goes downstairs to see her cats (she says it's too cold).  So now the cats are living upstairs against my wishes.  She said she would appreciate it very much because her cats calm her and since I didn't do what I said I would do (marry her), she is not honoring our agreement to keep the cats in the basement.  We have met with a family planning attorney regarding a prenup.  Initially she was opposed to it, but later came around to understand and accept it.  Then a few weeks ago she was opposed to it again, before her psychologist convinced her that it was only fair to sign one.  Thank you for sharing those prenup clauses with me!  I hope you find the best path forward with your lady and that you have a happy life together.

[ShyViolet]

On 7/27/2023 at 1:06 PM, skiman900 said:

When I think about proposing and getting married, I feel sick and anxious,

You feel sick and anxious about the idea of marrying her because you know in your logical brain that this whole thing is an extremely foolish idea.  You don't marry someone who you have been with for 5 months.  At 40 years old, you should know that.

I understand that she is in a difficult situation but it's not your problem to solve and it's not your responsibility to take care of her.  She should go back to her country.  She got herself into this mess and it's her responsibility to take care of herself and her son.

On 7/27/2023 at 1:06 PM, skiman900 said:

I'm really struggling with the idea of getting married so fast.  I love her and I can see a future with her (kids, marriage, growing old together), but since she moved in our relationship has been very rocky. 

It's only been 5 months and the relationship is already "very rocky."  And you're asking if you should jump into a marriage?  Come on, use a little common sense.  If you marry this woman, it will blow up in your face and you'll have no one to blame but yourself for it.  All the signs are there that this is a bad idea.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, skiman900 said:

She's loving, kind, and patient with me, and we have a lot of fun together.  I think she would make a good wife

Really? Because she demonstrates just about zero care or understanding of the position she's trying to force you into: 

23 minutes ago, skiman900 said:

She is very much an all or nothing type of woman.  She said if she leaves, she will never come back and won't have any type of relationship or friendship with me.

Nope, she's a "my way or the highway"-type of woman, and one with a not-so-hidden agenda here. That doesn't sound like a good wife at all. 

You need to wake up, man. This is a terrible idea all around, and one you will almost surely regret if you don't start exercising better judgment and take the blinders off immediately. 

 

[Alpacalia]

57 minutes ago, skiman900 said:

Alpacalia - I agree with everything you said.  I know how hard it must be for her to be without her freedom and I understand she doesn't want to wait around forever to obtain it, but since she moved in with me, getting married has been a constant point of discussion and conflict.  I've tried to explain to her that I need time to adjust and time to get to know her and her son - she says that after living together for 2-3 months we know everything we need to know.  As far as the visa goes - there is no way to renew it, as it's already expired.  I've spoken with several immigration attorneys and they have all told me the same thing - her only options are to get married or leave the country and apply for a student visa, tourist visa, or asylum (which she's not eligible for)

How do you know if any of what she has said to you is even true with regard to her sense of urgency to marry you?

I know that you said you've spoken with immigration attorneys but have you done any research on your own to confirm or deny her statements?

No way with her statement that after 2-3 months there is nothing more for you to know. That's complete B.S.

Edited July 28, 2023 by Alpacalia

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, skiman900 said:

She is very much an all or nothing type of woman.  She said if she leaves, she will never come back and won't have any type of relationship or friendship with me.

This is a red flag. She is not in any position to be making ultimatums. The fact that she is trying to pressure you into accepting the situation as she wants it to be would be a HUGE red flag - a sign of things to come should you stay together. 

 

1 hour ago, skiman900 said:

why wouldn't I want to marry someone that I love so deeply? 

You don’t actually know the woman. Five months is not long enough to know her - and what you do know about her is concerning. She has never worked. She has a poor work ethic (she can not maintain a clean home). She does not get along with her family. You have never met her family. She has a child with a man who she dated briefly. She has been married once and divorced. She is entitled, refuses to compromise, and there is conflict in your relationship. 

You are considering saying yes because of how this woman makes you feel - when you aren’t feeling anxious an nauseous because of the conflict in the relationship and the risk she is asking you to take. YOU are taking all the risk here, YOU are doing all the work here, and YOU are financially responsible for everything here. If that doesn’t cause one to feel anxious and sick, I don’t know what will...
 

1 hour ago, skiman900 said:

She said she's uncomfortable walking by herself and worries that someone could just come out of their house and kidnap her.  I've explained what a safe neighborhood we live it, but she never leaves the house without me.  It's weird they don't even go outside in my yard, both her and her son stay inside all day and it's summer here, it's beautiful almost every day. 

Weird. 

 

1 hour ago, skiman900 said:

We agreed that the cats would stay in the basement (it's an exposed basement with lots of windows and most of it is finished, so it's a nice place for them).  However, a few weeks ago I come home to the cats upstairs.  She asked me to try and get used to the idea because she never goes downstairs to see her cats (she says it's too cold).  So now the cats are living upstairs against my wishes.

Disrespectful. 

 

1 hour ago, skiman900 said:

I've offered to pay for uber to take her and her son to play tennis while I'm at work, but she says she doesn't want to haul her equipment in an uber...

Entitled.
 

1 hour ago, skiman900 said:

We have met with a family planning attorney regarding a prenup.  Initially she was opposed to it, but later came around to understand and accept it.  Then a few weeks ago she was opposed to it again, before her psychologist convinced her that it was only fair to sign one. 

What kind of mental health issues have you not mentioned that would cause her to see a psychologist? And why is her psychologist giving her legal advice? 

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

No way with her statement that after 2-3 months there is nothing more for you to know. 

Absolutely. A woman who is pressuring you to marry and telling you that you know all you need to know about 2-3 months of dating is a woman that you need to avoid at all cost. Run, don’t walk, away from this relationship…