Dealing with heartbreak over my ex's actions

[colly12345]

To start off, I’m the dumper in this story, but a very reluctant one. We have been having problems on and off throughout our 1.5 relationship, caused by both sides. His insecurities and my anxieties brought on by my previous relationship and also things this partner has done that shook my trust.

We went on a “break” about two months ago and I moved out of our flat. After about 3 weeks we started seeing each other again, but we agreed it would be like dating again, we would take it slow. I’ve also been having a lot of health problems and have found my work to be suffering because of the relationship problems. I said at this point I wanted to focus more on my health and my job than the relationship. I said I wasn’t ready to commit and gave him the choice to stay broken up if he needed more from me at this point.

three weeks later and things had been pretty good. I’d had doubts but was overcoming them the more good time we spent together without long discussions and arguments. We had an exciting weekend planned which I was looking forward to. On the Saturday we spent a lovely day together and then later on in the day we had an argument. I needed some space but returned to him after half an hour, was being affectionate and showed him that I was ready to move on. Later on that night we went out for a meal to celebrate a success of mine at work. At the beginning of the meal he brought up the previous argument which then turned into another argument in which he shot down my feelings. This ruined the evening and I struggled to move past it even the following day as it gave me more doubts.

Monday came around, he said he would give me as much space as I need while he continues to work on himself. He said to get in touch when I’m ready. Tuesday he texts saying he wants to have a discussion and when would best for me. I’m a teacher and I had parents evening that week in which I would be at school late every night. So I said the weekend would be best for me. He wouldn’t accept this and continued to send me aggressive messages with ultimatums. I said I was going to put my phone away and not message anymore.

Ten minutes later he appears in my bedroom (we still weren’t living together at this point, he just turned up and let himself in), demanding I show him some commitment. I kept asking him politely to leave, over and over. This was ignored. I repeated that I didn’t want to have a discussion tonight. He said he wouldn’t leave until I showed him some commitment. At this point due to him just turning up I had even more doubts. I said I can’t show any more commitment. He kept saying “you have to break up with me then, it’s not fair, you’re keeping me on the end of a thread”. I said I didn’t want to break up but after an hour of this I relented and said “its over, please leave.”

Since then I’m the villain for breaking up with him.  He’s sent me a few messages saying he can’t believe ive done this, he thinks I’ll come to regrets it. No acknowledgment that he shouldn’t just have turned up at my house.

Add to that two days later he slashed my car tyre, I only found out because a witness reported it and I saw him do it on my neighbour’s cctv. 

Im beyond devastated that he could do that to someone he loves “so much”. I have been in touch with his mum because I’m worried for his mental health and she says he is suicidal.

i don’t know how to cope with these feelings of missing him like crazy and remembering all the good times, and feeling so sorry for him that he is hurting so much, but also the anger that he did what he did. I’m in so much pain but I can’t say anything to him because of his fragile mental state. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, colly12345 said:

Then minutes later he appears in my bedroom (we still weren’t living together at this point, he just turned up and let himself in), demanding I show him some commitment. I kept asking him politely to leave, over and over. 

You made the right decision ending things. On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

It's good you moved out. He's getting abusive. Your relationship has escalated from turbulent to abusive.

So you need to change your locks as well as delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Consider getting a restraining order. If he does this again please call the police. He seems unhinged 

Read up on abusive relationships. Talk to trusted friends, family and your healthcare providers and therapists.

Edited July 7, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

He sounds violent. Run for the hills. You did the right thing. Don’t contact him ever again. He has family to look out. You’re not his support. Keep posting to vent or share thoughts here if it helps.

[basil67]

Wow, you're well rid of him, and with time I hope that your hurt and confusion will turn to relief in having him out of your life.

I looked back at some of your history for context.  Do you realise that this guy shared some of the same toxic traits with the guy you wrote about in 2018?  Kindly, I'm wondering what's behind your tolerance for the fighting and bad behaviour.  I mean, obviously you reached breaking point with both, but I think you gave each far more chances than they deserved.  

May I ask what your parent's relationship was like?  I'm wondering if you saw this kind of behaviour growing up and it's become somewhat normal to you.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, colly12345 said:

Im beyond devastated that he could do that to someone he loves “so much”. I have been in touch with his mum because I’m worried for his mental health and she says he is suicidal.

i don’t know how to cope with these feelings of missing him like crazy and remembering all the good times, and feeling so sorry for him that he is hurting so much, but also the anger that he did what he did. I’m in so much pain but I can’t say anything to him because of his fragile mental state. 

OP, this guy sounds dangerous. I hope that you realize that and have changed your locks and are working towards getting a restraining order/protective order. Find out what you can about staying safe under these circumstances. I worry that you're so busy feeling sorry for your ex that you won't give much thought to your own safety and well-being.

Edited July 7, 2023 by Acacia98

[Obito61]

5 hours ago, colly12345 said:

To start off, I’m the dumper in this story, but a very reluctant one. We have been having problems on and off throughout our 1.5 relationship, caused by both sides. His insecurities and my anxieties brought on by my previous relationship and also things this partner has done that shook my trust.

We went on a “break” about two months ago and I moved out of our flat. After about 3 weeks we started seeing each other again, but we agreed it would be like dating again, we would take it slow. I’ve also been having a lot of health problems and have found my work to be suffering because of the relationship problems. I said at this point I wanted to focus more on my health and my job than the relationship. I said I wasn’t ready to commit and gave him the choice to stay broken up if he needed more from me at this point.

three weeks later and things had been pretty good. I’d had doubts but was overcoming them the more good time we spent together without long discussions and arguments. We had an exciting weekend planned which I was looking forward to. On the Saturday we spent a lovely day together and then later on in the day we had an argument. I needed some space but returned to him after half an hour, was being affectionate and showed him that I was ready to move on. Later on that night we went out for a meal to celebrate a success of mine at work. At the beginning of the meal he brought up the previous argument which then turned into another argument in which he shot down my feelings. This ruined the evening and I struggled to move past it even the following day as it gave me more doubts.

Monday came around, he said he would give me as much space as I need while he continues to work on himself. He said to get in touch when I’m ready. Tuesday he texts saying he wants to have a discussion and when would best for me. I’m a teacher and I had parents evening that week in which I would be at school late every night. So I said the weekend would be best for me. He wouldn’t accept this and continued to send me aggressive messages with ultimatums. I said I was going to put my phone away and not message anymore.

Ten minutes later he appears in my bedroom (we still weren’t living together at this point, he just turned up and let himself in), demanding I show him some commitment. I kept asking him politely to leave, over and over. This was ignored. I repeated that I didn’t want to have a discussion tonight. He said he wouldn’t leave until I showed him some commitment. At this point due to him just turning up I had even more doubts. I said I can’t show any more commitment. He kept saying “you have to break up with me then, it’s not fair, you’re keeping me on the end of a thread”. I said I didn’t want to break up but after an hour of this I relented and said “its over, please leave.”

Since then I’m the villain for breaking up with him.  He’s sent me a few messages saying he can’t believe ive done this, he thinks I’ll come to regrets it. No acknowledgment that he shouldn’t just have turned up at my house.

Add to that two days later he slashed my car tyre, I only found out because a witness reported it and I saw him do it on my neighbour’s cctv. 

Im beyond devastated that he could do that to someone he loves “so much”. I have been in touch with his mum because I’m worried for his mental health and she says he is suicidal.

i don’t know how to cope with these feelings of missing him like crazy and remembering all the good times, and feeling so sorry for him that he is hurting so much, but also the anger that he did what he did. I’m in so much pain but I can’t say anything to him because of his fragile mental state. 

Hey there!

First things first, hope you’re doing okay

I actually have a slightly different opinion to the others in this thread. This is actually my first post, but I had an eerily similar experience a few years back, and we’re actually still together today, and are happier than ever, so felt like I needed to.

The reality of it was, and I’m not saying this is the case for you, but there were a lot of misunderstandings. Ignoring the initial arguments (these things happen and I’m sure both of you did your best to get over it), are you sure he was being aggressive? It might sound silly, and maybe he clearly was, but it’s important to remember that over text, tone is very difficult to read. And when you say he was demanding you show commitment, what was he actually asking? Was he asking to know where things stand, or was he insisting on you progressing the relationship? Because if it was the former, I don’t think it’s unfair to ask, but maybe the communication by that point was poor, because it sounds like it was already heated before that with the texts? Should he have just turned up at your place? No. But again, if things were heated, is there a chance he misread what you had wrote, and thought you had suddenly cut him off? That’s what happened with me. Still not saying it’s okay, but maybe there’s a chance that his intentions have come across all wrong? That’s what happened with me anyway. I think what happened prior to you “giving in” and ending it is recoverable. It sounds like you were at different places in the relationship, and a bit of breathing space can help get you aligned again.

My partner didn’t slash my tyre, but he did something similar which was very very out of character for him, and it was clearly the stress and depression that was a result of everything that “encouraged” him to do it. He had never done anything like it before, and has never done since either. Again, I’m not saying it excuses it, but his mental state was not okay at the time. When you love someone so much, and then you suddenly lose them, especially if things feel “unjust” (which let’s be honest is very often the case with any breakup), we can do very crazy things. I don’t think these actions mean he doesn’t love you.

For me, I gave it some time, and I realised how much I loved him, and that I was focussing so much more on the negatives than the positives in the relationship. I too had been going through a lot of issues, both physically and mentally, and I realised it was my state that was putting a negative spin on everything. This might not be the case for you, but I’m just sharing my experience . My advice to you would be give it some time and work on moving past this all, which it sounds like you’re already doing. The anger will subside. You may not think it now, but you CAN forgive him. It’s a choice, and it’s up to you. Once I forgave my partner, I reached out to him and we slowly started to rebuild things. I’m so glad I did, because i wouldn’t give what we have now for the world. It is possible to have good times with him again, and it’s normal to feel sorry for him - it sounds like you still love him after all. For now, focus on yourself, then think about if you want to forgive him, then do that if you choose to, then consider reaching out to him if you still love him, but only if his mental state is okay. I realise I’ll be in the minority with these thoughts, but I truly believe it’s salvageable, as I’m very happy with the decisions I ultimately made. Hope this helps!

[ExpatInItaly]

Yikes. 

This man is not stable, OP. You  know this. It's time to stop communicating with him and his mother. If he threatens suicide, call emergency services and send them to his house. 

Did you report the tire-slashing to the police? If not, you absolutely need to. This is incredibly disturbing and you need it on record, especially if he escalates his unhinged behaviour. 

[colly12345]

5 hours ago, Obito61 said:

Hey there!

First things first, hope you’re doing okay

I actually have a slightly different opinion to the others in this thread. This is actually my first post, but I had an eerily similar experience a few years back, and we’re actually still together today, and are happier than ever, so felt like I needed to.

The reality of it was, and I’m not saying this is the case for you, but there were a lot of misunderstandings. Ignoring the initial arguments (these things happen and I’m sure both of you did your best to get over it), are you sure he was being aggressive? It might sound silly, and maybe he clearly was, but it’s important to remember that over text, tone is very difficult to read. And when you say he was demanding you show commitment, what was he actually asking? Was he asking to know where things stand, or was he insisting on you progressing the relationship? Because if it was the former, I don’t think it’s unfair to ask, but maybe the communication by that point was poor, because it sounds like it was already heated before that with the texts? Should he have just turned up at your place? No. But again, if things were heated, is there a chance he misread what you had wrote, and thought you had suddenly cut him off? That’s what happened with me. Still not saying it’s okay, but maybe there’s a chance that his intentions have come across all wrong? That’s what happened with me anyway. I think what happened prior to you “giving in” and ending it is recoverable. It sounds like you were at different places in the relationship, and a bit of breathing space can help get you aligned again.

My partner didn’t slash my tyre, but he did something similar which was very very out of character for him, and it was clearly the stress and depression that was a result of everything that “encouraged” him to do it. He had never done anything like it before, and has never done since either. Again, I’m not saying it excuses it, but his mental state was not okay at the time. When you love someone so much, and then you suddenly lose them, especially if things feel “unjust” (which let’s be honest is very often the case with any breakup), we can do very crazy things. I don’t think these actions mean he doesn’t love you.

For me, I gave it some time, and I realised how much I loved him, and that I was focussing so much more on the negatives than the positives in the relationship. I too had been going through a lot of issues, both physically and mentally, and I realised it was my state that was putting a negative spin on everything. This might not be the case for you, but I’m just sharing my experience . My advice to you would be give it some time and work on moving past this all, which it sounds like you’re already doing. The anger will subside. You may not think it now, but you CAN forgive him. It’s a choice, and it’s up to you. Once I forgave my partner, I reached out to him and we slowly started to rebuild things. I’m so glad I did, because i wouldn’t give what we have now for the world. It is possible to have good times with him again, and it’s normal to feel sorry for him - it sounds like you still love him after all. For now, focus on yourself, then think about if you want to forgive him, then do that if you choose to, then consider reaching out to him if you still love him, but only if his mental state is okay. I realise I’ll be in the minority with these thoughts, but I truly believe it’s salvageable, as I’m very happy with the decisions I ultimately made. Hope this helps!

Thank you. It is out of character for him and there was a misunderstanding which led to him coming over as he misread my message. The problem is, he wouldn’t leave when I was asking him to. I showed him the message where I had said I was putting my phone away. He admitted he hadn’t seen it, then I asked him to leave repeatedly after that and he ignored me. That was the problem for me, if he’d just left straight away it would have been ok. I get him wanting to know where he stands but I felt I was pushed into a discussion I very clearly said I didn’t want to have. 

Edited July 8, 2023 by colly12345

[Obito61]

3 minutes ago, colly12345 said:

Thank you. It is out of character for him and there was a misunderstanding which led to him coming over as he misread my message. The problem is, he wouldn’t leave when I was asking him to. I showed him the message where I had said I was putting my phone away. He admitted he hadn’t seen it, then I asked him to leave repeatedly after that and he ignored me. That was the problem for me, if he’d just left straight away it would have been ok. I get him wanting to know where he stands but I felt I was pushed into a discussion I very clearly said I didn’t want to have. 

The fact that you say it was out of character will hopefully give you some peace of mind, and allow you to forgive him and move past this. I can understand your frustration. But from the sounds of it, things were already pretty heated, so do remember that. It’s also fair that you didn’t want to have a discussion, but it seems like maybe there didn’t need to be one? Would some light reassurance have resolved the issue? I guess it doesn’t matter now, but I think the bottom line is to remember that no bridges have been burned yet, this can be fixed if you want it to. What do YOU want to happen right now? And what would you want him to do if you could tell him? I only ask because I think it helps to have a plan in place. Do you think it’s still salvageable?

[Ageless Wisdom23]

This is all so toxic and you both do not belong as One, hun.  Tell his 😐Mum he needs to go and seek help.  You cannot help him anymore.....

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, colly12345 said:

 I asked him to leave repeatedly after that and he ignored me. That was the problem for me, if he’d just left straight away it would have been ok

Please step out of the cycle of abuse once and for all. He basically broke into your house to intimidate you. Please do not fall into the trap of "forgive and forget". Please don't make excuses like "this was out of character". He did this so this IS his character.

[glows]

8 hours ago, colly12345 said:

Thank you. It is out of character for him and there was a misunderstanding which led to him coming over as he misread my message. The problem is, he wouldn’t leave when I was asking him to. I showed him the message where I had said I was putting my phone away. He admitted he hadn’t seen it, then I asked him to leave repeatedly after that and he ignored me. That was the problem for me, if he’d just left straight away it would have been ok. I get him wanting to know where he stands but I felt I was pushed into a discussion I very clearly said I didn’t want to have. 

Yeah that kind of blind obstinate rage ignoring you telling him to leave and doing whatever he wants isn’t ok. He’s not welcome to begin with.. Hello? Nut job on the loose. Get rid of this guy and get a restraining order. Don’t pick up any calls or respond to any texts. Keep blocking if he reaches out via different sources. 

[stillafool]

You were right to finally end this toxic relationship.  You guys should have never got back together.  You need to heal from your previous relationship since your still triggered from it.  You won't find happiness until you do.  He sounds immature and abusive.  Just let it die this time and don't contact him again.

[ShyViolet]

He sounds very aggressive and abusive.  It makes me wonder if he had abusive tendencies throughout the relationship, or if this did truly start out of the blue just at the end.  Either way, it doesn't matter.  You need this man out of your life for good.

On 7/7/2023 at 4:41 PM, colly12345 said:

I have been in touch with his mum because I’m worried for his mental health and she says he is suicidal.

You seriously need to stop this.  This is completely inappropriate; there is no need for you to be in touch with his mom, or any of his friends/family any longer.  It's not your place to check up on his mental health.  If he is suicidal then he has a mom to deal with that.  It's not your job.  Especially considering that he started displaying abusive behavior towards you at the end of the relationship, it is your job now to take care of YOURSELF, not him.  You should be cutting off contact with him and everyone else who is in relation to him.  Staying in contact with his mom is an invitation for him to pop up in your life again.

[JTSW]

You are now seeing the REAL him.

He is dangerous and doing things that show that you really need to watch your back.

He is unstable, bitter and angry that you ended it so keep your wits about you when you are out and about.

 

[colly12345]

Sorry this has taken me so long. I wanted to say thanks for the words of support. Unfortunately I didn’t listen and continued to see him. We tried being friends and rebuilding trust, but it took me a while to get over what he’d done, despite him going to therapy, apologising for it and trying to explain his actions. He did seem to have changed though. Eventually he said it would be best to go no contact but that if I ever wanted to get back together I should let him know. Well three weeks went by, I missed him terribly and got in touch. He told me he no longer wants to get back together and is with someone new, who he has feelings for. (He had been dating various people over the last three months). I’m beyond devastated, I feel so stupid for thinking I could give him another chance and I wish we’d never met up again. I feel so unwell, I’m barely eating or sleeping and have had to move back in with my parents, I’ve become depressed and can think of nothing else but the relationship and how much I miss him. I feel like the break up has only just happened, I think because we were still seeing each other until recently and I had to deal with the trauma of what he did on top of the break up. I just numbed myself in the beginning to deal with the hurt and told myself we might get back together one day. Now that chance is gone I feel completely hopeless. Any words of advice on moving past this would help. I think it’s particularly hard because it was toxic/abusive towards the end. 

[colly12345]

On 7/9/2023 at 5:12 PM, ShyViolet said:

He sounds very aggressive and abusive.  It makes me wonder if he had abusive tendencies throughout the relationship, or if this did truly start out of the blue just at the end.  Either way, it doesn't matter.  You need this man out of your life for good.

You seriously need to stop this.  This is completely inappropriate; there is no need for you to be in touch with his mom, or any of his friends/family any longer.  It's not your place to check up on his mental health.  If he is suicidal then he has a mom to deal with that.  It's not your job.  Especially considering that he started displaying abusive behavior towards you at the end of the relationship, it is your job now to take care of YOURSELF, not him.  You should be cutting off contact with him and everyone else who is in relation to him.  Staying in contact with his mom is an invitation for him to pop up in your life again.

Yes there were some other behaviours earlier on in the relationship, such as several threats to break up if I didn’t behave how he wanted, breaking up with me then stopping me from leaving his flat, turning up drunk and refusing to leave. 

[stillafool]

Sorry you're hurt; but the two of you were not compatible and your relationship with him was very toxic.  I know it hurts now but it wouldn't have gotten better for you.  You both need to be with other people.   Just stay NC so he doesn't hurt you even more.  Why did you have to move back with your parents, was it for financial reasons?

[colly12345]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Sorry you're hurt; but the two of you were not compatible and your relationship with him was very toxic.  I know it hurts now but it wouldn't have gotten better for you.  You both need to be with other people.   Just stay NC so he doesn't hurt you even more.  Why did you have to move back with your parents, was it for financial reasons?

No, I’m feeling so low I’m not really eating and don’t have a routine. I went part time at work due to health issues and currently I’m on half term as I’m a teacher. I’m trying living with my parents to see if they can help me get better. I’m scared to be on my own at the moment because I have such negative thoughts. 

[basil67]

The way to get over this is to go back through your posting history.  Copy each thing you complained about, write them all on one page and hang it where you can see it frequently.  

Also, it's time to get some counselling to work through this...and help you figure out why you gave him so many chances

[colly12345]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

The way to get over this is to go back through your posting history.  Copy each thing you complained about, write them all on one page and hang it where you can see it frequently.  

Also, it's time to get some counselling to work through this...and help you figure out why you gave him so many chances

Thank you. This is really helpful advice. I will do that. I kept giving him chances because he is so sweet and caring most of the time. It’s only when we’re in disagreement that he gets like this, it’s rare but these times have been so bad they really stuck in my mind and made me anxious. 

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, colly12345 said:

Thank you. This is really helpful advice. I will do that. I kept giving him chances because he is so sweet and caring most of the time. It’s only when we’re in disagreement that he gets like this, it’s rare but these times have been so bad they really stuck in my mind and made me anxious. 

Generally speaking, humans can manage to be good when things are going well.  So the real test of their personality is how they react when faced with adversity.  Your ex failed this test

[stillafool]

On 7/7/2023 at 4:41 PM, colly12345 said:

We went on a “break” about two months ago and I moved out of our flat. After about 3 weeks we started seeing each other again, but we agreed it would be like dating again,

When you broke up with him and moved out those 3 weeks he probably met the other woman.  Then when you wanted to come back after 3 weeks he only wanted to date, not become a couple, right?  Couples work on their problems while together, not apart.  I've seen this happen before when someone decides to take a "break".  A break is a break up.

[d0nnivain]

You can't get back together with a psycho who slashes your tires in anger. 

If he is suicidal & his mom knows this, she can protect him, even if it means having him committed.  

You don't miss him.  You miss having a healthy happy fun relationship.  He's not that.  He's out of control.  He dismisses your feelings.  He rehashes old arguments.  He was doing all the things he was doing that made you move out in the 1st place.  This is not a good relationship.  It's a dysfunctional roller coaster / merry go round.  

Breaking up with him was the right decision.  His post break up behavior proves that.  Keep yourself safe. 

You have some routine & support from your parents.  Focus on that.  Delete him out of your phone.  You are better off without him.  

Edited October 24, 2023 by d0nnivain

[colly12345]

Thank you. I have talked to family and friends but the advice on here is really helping. I am suffering with a lot of self doubt as he seems completely changed now. I am angry that he has got away with this, I chose not to go to the police, and now he is doing better than me. This is not the first time he has broken the law, one time he drove over to my house drunk when he was angry. He is no longer suicidal, I’m not sure if he ever was. He certainly wasn’t depressed as he seemed back on his feet in no time.