Condescending sister-in-law

[Els]

Escalating never really helps, unless they are literally posing a threat to you or your family. Your "beef" with the SIL seems to have existed long before the trip, so why on earth would you go on a multiple-day vacation with her? When it comes to people like that, generally speaking the best way forward is to just minimise the time you spend with her, and to set boundaries. Arguing and name calling doesn't benefit anyone.

I can't speak for everyone, but I honestly don't know any person who gets along amazingly well with 100% of their in laws. There's always that one person. We just don't go nuclear like that, so you might not notice, but it's extremely common to dislike at least one in-law.

Edited July 1, 2023 by Els

[MsJayne]

20 hours ago, newlywedder said:

No I don’t want him growing up thinking those outdated things. I earn way more than my husband, but he gets good benefits so it helps out. Women sometimes have to work and should not be looked down on for it. Not everyone’s spouse makes enough to support them!

Here's the thing, if they look down on you for working, then they're also looking down on him because he doesn't earn enough to support his wife and family. The insult is aimed at both of you, mainly him, he's the one that's failing in his designated gender role, (according to their values), as provider for the family.  I don't know what sort of community or culture you live in, but in the wider world gender is irrelevant and most people work because they have to, not just women. Your sister-in-law, and your mother-in-law, and any other women who go along with the anachronistic lunacy of believing that work is only for the lowly and being a kept woman is some sort of badge of honour are just ignorant and pretentious. They are also guilty of fostering and promoting sexism....against themselves! Unless they live in a part of the world where women are stoned to death for disobeying men they have no excuse for behaving this way. They've obviously been brainwashed, possibly by the same religious values that dictate that it's OK to be cruel to other people.  Whatever you decide to do, I just hope you do not apologise because you haven't done anything wrong, not even when you lost your temper and insulted her, she provoked it. As someone else above said, this is not a minor thing, and by telling you to apologise to her your husband is condoning his sister abusing you.  Your husband.....he's too gutless to stand up for you and you're carrying him in the role of provider. Not much of a "man", but then he probably did grow up being bullied by his sister and being gas-lit into apologising to her himself, so that might explain how he was mentally castrated.  I assume you will be home from your vacation by now, so that nightmare's over, and at the very least you can avoid contact with these awful people from now on. 

[Acacia98]

If "that's just the way she is" is considered a reasonable justification for your sister-in-law's rudeness, then surely, you can justify your response to her similarly.

She gets to be rude? That's fine. You get to be offended at her rudeness and to respond accordingly or to ignore her. If no one is going to call her out on her behavior, then they shouldn't call you out on yours either. Mind you, I'm not saying your response to her was rude. Just that, if we go by your husband's way of thinking, then everything should be uniformly acceptable. 

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have responded to her at all, though. She sounds like a little attention-seeking child when she inserts herself into others' conversations that way. It surely is a waste of energy to take her seriously and engage with her. If you want my advice, I say you should try to spend as little time as possible with these people. When you must interact with them, then try the "grey rock" approach (search for it on Google).

 

[JTSW]

On 6/30/2023 at 9:38 PM, newlywedder said:

My husband said that’s just how she is. 

You have a husband issue here that you need to sort out first.

If his sister is rude to you then he should have your back and shut her down for her disrespect.

You stood up for yourself and he jumped on you to apologise.

This shows where his priorities lie.

His family come before you.

[SlimShadysWife]

I wouldn't mess with a brother and sister bond, it's not something to play with. I'd apologize, squash it.

 

Both of yous need to get it together for your husbands sake. It's painful when someone you love and a sibling don't get along. 

Edited July 3, 2023 by justaskingok

[SlimShadysWife]

On 6/30/2023 at 4:38 PM, newlywedder said:

Thanks for responding. My husband’s sister keeps saying condescending remarks even when I am not speaking to her. For instance, I asked my mother in law if there was fireworks. Then my sister in law said “find out yourself” in a really bitter tone. I just don’t get why she keeps treating me like this. This same thing happened last year when vacationing with his family. She stops at nothing to say these annoying remarks to me. My husband said that’s just how she is. 

Kill her with kindness.

[Stret]

On 7/3/2023 at 11:25 PM, justaskingok said:

Kill her with kindness.

Don't kill her with kindness. It is a useless phrase.
It would not be being true to yourself and with the way you are feeling now, it is not possible to even look in her direction, let alone smile and be lovely towards her. It wouldn't even be physically possible to do, even if you decided to do it. So just take care of yourself and find a way to get out of your marriage to someone who doesn't see you as a priority and will take sides of others in situation such as this one. There is no such thing as brother-sister bond where brother has his wife terrorised but because of a bond with sister he turns against his wife. What about husband-wife bond that, in your case, sister can freely mess with and still be protected. It is such a sick and childish thing to do and such unhealthy environment. 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/1/2023 at 1:23 PM, newlywedder said:

Yeah I will ask him again if he will talk to her. 

Unfortunately this is one of those blood is thicker than water type of family dynamics. You don't need to apologize to her nor does your husband need to talk to her. It seems like he doesn't want to make waves in the family and views it as your job to try to get along with them, now matter how obnoxious they are. Just ignore her she's not going to change her personality.