I'm a total neat freak. Boyfriend is very messy. Are we incompatible?

[Weezy1973]

He’s not long term material at the moment. He’s living life as if he’s a teenager and not a fully grown man. If you want something long term, he’s not the one. Go to therapy for your OCD and potential attachment issues, break up with him, and then find someone more compatible.

[sadkoala]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

Does he have any skin conditions? Dirty sex can be hot. Have you never just had spontaneous sex without having to be always clean?

Highly recommend a dog if you’re sure you are ready for the commitment.

He doesn't have any skin conditions. It's just laziness from what I can see.  Truthfully I've never had spontaneous sex where I didn't clean myself beforehand. I know it's unusual and my boyfriend has complained about it before.

I love dogs. They have such pure souls  

[sadkoala]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

He’s living life as if he’s a teenager and not a fully grown man. 

He definitely has "peter pan syndrome". I've always tried to be understanding of his stunted growth because he had a very rough childhood/upbringing, but his current lack of responsibility/motivation in life is impacting me negatively... I sometimes feel like his mom and not his girlfriend  

Edited June 25, 2023 by sadkoala

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sadkoala said:

Yes, he actually has given me an ultimatum. He said we've been dating long enough and it's time to move in together. He also said that if I truly love him, I should want him to move in.

Well it's your place so don't fall for this type of manipulation and coercion. The whole "if you loved me...." thing is guilt tripping.

Frankly if he loved you, he won't be manipulative. He would get his own place and clean up his act. 

Please don't let him arm twist you into this nightmare.

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, sadkoala said:

Yes, he actually has given me an ultimatum. He said we've been dating long enough and it's time to move in together. He also said that if I truly love him, I should want him to move in.

Imagine, a guy who doesn't brush his teeth or take a shower, and doesn't have a steady job, giving ultimatums.  That is one of the craziest things I've heard today.  Please have the self-respect to know that you can do better than this.

[Els]

I'm a bit confused as to how a "neat freak" could possibly have been in an intimate relationship with this person for two years. If you're not exaggerating and he's truly as bad as you say, I think there's no chance this will work out long term.

[sadkoala]

4 minutes ago, Els said:

I'm a bit confused as to how a "neat freak" could possibly have been in an intimate relationship with this person for two years.

I think I was able to tolerate the difference for so long because we never lived together during those two years. I also tried my best to focus on his good qualities and be forgiving of his cleanliness habits... But now that he's proposing we live together, I feel really anxious about it

[MsMamma]

Even people with less than great hygienic standards wouldn't be able to tolerate that. I'm not a neat freak, my house can get messy... but hell no to poor hygeine!! 

On another note... if we're talking who YOU would be compatible with. I'm going to say that it's likely you won't be able to tolerate living with anyone, ever... unless you get some help with your OCD. 

You could look into whether a dog would be helpful for trying to let go of the OCD reigns a little? I would recommend getting a breed that doesn't shed hair. I have a Great Dane, and although she is huge there's no hair going everywhere. I'm still cleaning up her messes as she's a puppy and still toilet training. But she brings me a whole lot of joy and love. She's beautiful. I can't imagine living a life without pets. You could also consider a cat.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sadkoala said:

I think I was able to tolerate the difference for so long because we never lived together. But now that he's proposing we live together, I feel really anxious about it

Exactly. You didn't have to live with him. Were you officially diagnosed with OCD? Are you getting treatment? Because being with someone like this could make many people so disgusted they may want to shower and wash their hands all day. Expecting appropriate personal hygiene and decent living conditions is not abnormal, so don't make it about you.

Sadly you didn't meet him in person soon enough and are trying to hold on to the fantasy of who he is.

Unfortunately if you allow him to move in, mooch off of you and turn your home into an unsanitary sty, you'll regret it. You could also have a difficult time eviction him, which will be inevitable at some point.

You seem to not want to let go of the fantasy of who he is and hope to fix and change him. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, sadkoala said:

 But now that he's proposing we live together, I feel really anxious about it

I think in addition to your OCD you have another major issue of being a people pleaser and afraid to stand up for yourself.  You said earlier that you have never even spoke up or talked to him about his poor hygiene and poor cleanliness habits.  You just keep this to yourself and you accept a gross situation.  This is extremely unhealthy and you're letting yourself get into a bad situation because you are too afraid to speak up and say NO.

[MsJayne]

If your BF has had his mother picking up after him all his adult life it's unlikely he'll change, it's more likely that you'll take over from his mum. At a certain point you'll start to feel like you're his maid, and when you tell him you've had enough of it you'll start arguing, and before you know it he'll be accusing you of over-reacting because of your OCD. He'll be arguing from his position on the couch, where he'll be sitting in yesterday's undies playing XBox. He probably won't even look up while he's talking to you. You'll be tempted to pick up the sweater he dropped on the floor and smother him with it. Think very hard before moving in with a slob, especially given your own preference for a clean and tidy home. 

[sadkoala]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were you officially diagnosed with OCD? Are you getting treatment? 

Sadly you didn't meet him in person soon enough and are trying to hold on to the fantasy of who he is. 

No, I wasn't officially diagnosed. I don't know if I actually have it or not because my cleanliness habits are not debilitating, but I wouldn't be surprised if a professional characterised me as being on the borderline. 

You're right that I'm trying to hold on to the fantasy of who he is... I'm going to start therapy to address this

[sadkoala]

51 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I think in addition to your OCD you have another major issue of being a people pleaser and afraid to stand up for yourself.  You said earlier that you have never even spoke up or talked to him about his poor hygiene and poor cleanliness habits.  

I agree. I've always been overly afraid of hurting people's feelings in general. And that's why I never spoke up about it with him. I honestly don't even know how I'd bring up the subject with him at this point... He'd probably feel extra hurt that I kept these feelings to myself for so long   

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

He'd probably feel extra hurt that I kept these feelings to myself for so long   

So what if he is hurt? Just tell him it's not your job to teach him how to shower and brush his teeth.   Surely he knows that his personal hygiene is not at an acceptable level.   

[Alpacalia]

It's hard to see how the two of you can co-exist in the same space. I knew someone with OCD that was highly particular about things but their living space was quite unkempt. I suspect if your boyfriend is messy it's going to mirror the parts of yourself you don't want to admit or acknowledge? If that's the case, it's not so much about accommodating his mess as it is reconciling your own inner demons.

Edited June 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sadkoala said:

No, I wasn't officially diagnosed. I don't know if I actually have it or not because my cleanliness habits are not debilitating, 

That's interesting. Unfortunately you may be labeling yourself with a disorder to normalize and contend with his issues. It's very important not to label him or yourself.

For example, you believe he may have ADHD, what that means is you realize at some level how abnormal he is so started researching symptoms to come up with that and rationalize it.

Please believe in yourself more. Expecting personal hygiene and a comfortable clean home is not a "disorder". 

Think about walking into a hotel room. Are they all OCD because the room and bathroom is clean and the beds are made etc?  Think about going to your doctors. Are they OCD because they shower, brush their teeth and use deodorant? Please don't cripple yourself with faux diagnoses to normalize his extreme slovenliness.

Does he accuse you of having OCD? Often hoarders and people with poor hygiene think everyone else is the problem. They're often oblivious to their repellent odors and behaviors and strut around as if it's normal.

[sadkoala]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

you believe he may have ADHD, what that means is you realize at some level how abnormal he is so started researching symptoms to come up with that and rationalize it.

Please believe in yourself more. Expecting personal hygiene and a comfortable clean home is not a "disorder". 

Does he accuse you of having OCD? 

Thanks, Wiseman. I will admit that I tried researching ADHD symptoms to try and justify his bad behaviour.

He's never used the OCD label on me, but he has commented here and there that my cleanliness habits were "abnormal" and "too much". 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

.e's never used the OCD label on me, but he has commented here and there that my cleanliness habits were "abnormal" and "too much". 

And there you have it. He's already causing damage to your mental and physical health.

He is already gaslighting you into thinking you have a disorder so he can justify being a filthy person. He's also trying to wear you down with ultimatums.  

He's complaining about a clean environment and personal hygiene to justify himself. You have absolutely no reason to live like a pig with an intimidating moocher. 

Please don't let him move in. He seems like a very damaging person. Please talk to trusted friends and family frankly and honestly about this. It's normal to want a relationship and to want to build a life with someone, but you can do that with someone less mentally damaging. Please let go of the fantasy.

[sadkoala]

27 minutes ago, S2B said:

What does he do for work? Does he work full time? Can he support himself? 

has he saved a lot of money by living with his Mom?

He currently delivers food for delivery apps. He's barely scraping by, living paycheck to paycheck basically. Unfortunately he has no savings... he has over $20K in credit card debt  I know he genuinely loves me and wants to be with me, but sometimes I can't help but think that he's partly motivated to live together for financial reasons... I have a well-paying job, a decent amount of savings, and no debt.   

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/25/2023 at 6:55 AM, sadkoala said:

Like I'd suggest taking a shower together before sex (so he'd be clean) or tell him that I want to brush my teeth to be super fresh before we kiss (so he'd take the hint to brush his own teeth too). 

Ew. Ew. 

Don't be so desperate for a boyfriend that you have to coach a grown man about basic hygiene. This is bad enough, but they are merely symptoms of much bigger problems with this guy. 

I would see myself out. And I would be honest (but not rude) about the reasons I could not continue. He badly needs a wake-up call. 

[Alpacalia]

I agree that expecting someone to change is unreasonable, so it's a good idea for you to consider if this is a deal-breaker. There hasn't been anything positive that you have said about him. You're with him for what reason?

Generally, people think that deal-breakers need to be extreme, such as infidelity or abuse, but this can rightly be considered a deal-breaker if living this way is something you cannot do. 

He is not "right" because he is less neat, and you are not "right" because you are neater than him. It's okay to break up (if that's what you decide to do). Just say, it won't work for you. You don't want to become a controlling crazy partner. You also can't see yourself living with trash on the floor.

[sadkoala]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

There hasn't been anything positive that you have said about him. You're with him for what reason?

He does have positives that have kept me in the relationship for this long. He treats me very well. He's honest, loyal, affectionate, passionate, funny, and smart. 

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, sadkoala said:

He does have positives that have kept me in the relationship for this long. He treats me very well. He's honest, loyal, affectionate, passionate, funny, and smart. 

Those do not outweigh these very major red flags.  It's very concerning that you seem to be very close to allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.  You seriously need to work on your self-respect and get out of this relationship.

[sadkoala]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You seriously need to work on your self-respect and get out of this relationship.

I've struggled with low self-esteem since I was a kid (got bullied a lot for how I looked). I'm almost 30 now and still struggle with it. Maybe that's why I stay in a relationship that is objectively not good for me

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, sadkoala said:

He does have positives that have kept me in the relationship for this long. He treats me very well. He's honest, loyal, affectionate, passionate, funny, and smart. 

What about maturity and respect? You don't have that now, you won't have it if you choose to move in with him.

He’s not “a bit of a slob.” He’s very, very messy, and at present he’s more interested in finding ways to describe his internal relationship to mess/distraction than he is in changing his habits, seeking support, or reevaluating his coping strategies.

Regarding your part, you seem quite concerned about being perceived as a "mother," and are inadvertently limiting your impact on the relationship by pre-emptively guaranteeing him that you won't expect many changes from him.

On the flip side, maturity and respect are built on trust and mutual respect — which I’d hazard are sorely lacking in this situation. Respect is a two-way street, and it doesn’t come naturally or magically. Notwithstanding his protestations, it’s not mature or respectful — it’s suboptimal (at best). Cleaning one’s teeth (for example) is a perfectly ordinary and reasonable task — and yet it’s not happening here.

Being concerned that if you move in with him, his mess will overwhelm you is perfectly justified. It appears unlikely that he will suddenly change his ways concerning not cleaning up after himself, leaving you with two options - clean up for him, nag or beg him to do it - or hire a cleaner.

Take this seriously, and reassess your plans to live together in a few months, given that he has yet to show a willingness to address a problem that is causing you obvious distress.

I don’t envy your position here, and the best thing I can say to you is that the answer to “Should we move in together” is a definitive “no” — at least if you are asking for advice on this particular dilemma. This relationship needs time (and likely specialist intervention) to mature — and for your intrinsic dignity to be respected.

Edited June 26, 2023 by Alpacalia