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I'm a total neat freak. Boyfriend is very messy. Are we incompatible?


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Posted

My boyfriend wants to move in with me, but I'm feeling very apprehensive about it because of our polar opposite levels of cleanliness. I'm a total neat freak and germaphobe (like border-line OCD). I keep my home extremely clean at all times and am very anal about how my things are organised. I also shower twice daily and wash my hands excessively throughout the day.

My boyfriend on the other hand is the complete opposite. He'll leave his dirty clothes on the floor, dirty dishes on the counter, facial hair in the sink, etc. His personal hygiene is also poor. He sometimes skips his daily shower, forgets to wear deodorant or brush his teeth, keeps his nails unkempt, forgets to wash his hands, etc.

I love him dearly, but I worry that the stark difference in our cleanliness makes us incompatible to live together. I haven't told him about these concerns because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Are we doomed? :(

Posted
5 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

. He'll leave his dirty clothes on the floor, dirty dishes on the counter, facial hair in the sink, etc. His personal hygiene is also poor. He sometimes skips his daily shower, forgets to wear deodorant or brush his teeth, keeps his nails unkempt, forgets to wash his hands, etc.:(

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Where does he live now?

Please don't let him move in. You'll be very sorry and once someone is in your place it can be hard to get rid of them.

Even though you care about him, love doesn't conquer all. Forget about fixing or changing him. It will never happen.

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Posted

What happens if you have kids or adopt a pet? Have you discussed what you both see in the future?

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Posted
14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Where does he live now?

Please don't let him move in. You'll be very sorry and once someone is in your place it can be hard to get rid of them.

Even though you care about him, love doesn't conquer all. Forget about fixing or changing him. It will never happen.

We've been dating for about two years now. He's 28 and currently lives with his mother. I live alone and have been living alone for several years.

I totally agree that love doesn't conquer all. I just feel really bad about breaking up with him over this since he's not a bad person :( He just has terrible cleanliness habits 

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Posted
2 minutes ago, glows said:

What happens if you have kids or adopt a pet? Have you discussed what you both see in the future?

Yes, we've both discussed future plans. Neither of us want kids (we never have in our lives). We want to adopt a small dog together eventually 

Posted (edited)
26 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

I just feel really bad about breaking up with him over this since he's not a bad person :( He just has terrible cleanliness habits 

I'd argue that both of you would be extremely difficult to live with, and as such the issue isn't that he's messy.  Rather, it's that both of you have dysfunction to extreme levels in opposite directions.  

You could agree to undertake individual therapy.  Possibly CBT would help both of you.  But it's only going to work if both parties can agree to personal dysfunctional and want to address their personal issues.   But if either of you is happy with how they function, the relationship can't work.

Also, I wouldn't recommend getting a dog unless you get over the germ phobia.  Not that dogs are inherently germy, but what are you going to do if the dog drools a bit.  Or some food falls out of their feeding bowl?  Or it sheds a bit/lot?  Or housetraining!!!!

Edited by basil67
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Posted
3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'd argue that both of you would be extremely difficult to live with, and as such the issue isn't that he's messy.  Rather, it's that both of you have dysfunction to extreme levels in opposite directions.  

Very valid point. I'd be willing to undergo couples therapy with him (if he's open to it as well)

Posted (edited)
32 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

. He's 28 and currently lives with his mother.

I totally agree that love doesn't conquer all. he's not a bad person :( 

He's not a bad person but you're incompatible. Maybe he has mental health issues?. Is his mother a hoarder as well? Do they live in fifth?

Your life will be a living hell not only because he lives with his mother and has no independent living skills, but because it will be  stressful, cluttered, unsanitary and damaging to your physical and mental health.  Read up on how damaging living with hoarders and unsanitary people can be. 

The only reason your relationship survives is precisely because he Doesn't live with you.

Please don't get a pet together.  Couples therapy will not help this or change him. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted
20 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

Very valid point. I'd be willing to undergo couples therapy with him (if he's open to it as well)

No, not couples therapy.  Individual therapy with a goal of helping you deal better with your OCD and for him to be more motivated.  You've got very different problems which need to be addressed individually

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Posted
23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe he has mental health issues?. Is his mother a hoarder as well? Do they live in fifth?

He's never sought out professional help. He definitely lacks motivation in all areas of his life though (his job, his physical health, etc.). I have strong suspicions that he has undiagnosed ADHD, as it runs in his family and he has a lot of the trademark symptoms. His mother sadly has addiction issues and is similarly messy. 

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Posted
11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

No, not couples therapy.  Individual therapy with a goal of helping you deal better with your OCD and for him to be more motivated.  You've got very different problems which need to be addressed individually

Hopefully I can get him on board with therapy. I know he has a negative view on therapy in general (he thinks it's just a money-making scam) 

Posted
2 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

 He definitely lacks motivation in all areas of his life though (his job, his physical health, etc.). I . His mother sadly has addiction issues and is similarly messy. 

What kind of job could he possibly have with poor personal hygiene?  Please reconsider the relationship. You're not a flop house or mental health facility.

Has your OCD gotten worse since allowing him to stay in your home ? His filth and poor personal hygiene could exacerbate your issues by trying to get rid of the ick factor.

 Do not go to couples counseling. It's not your job to fix and change him.

However do see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Not just to manage the OCD, but to examine why you are putting up with this and getting attached to someone with severe problems.  How can you be attracted to someone who doesn't brush their teeth, take a shower or engage in normal personal care? This is what needs fixing. Not his paranoia about healthcare and hygiene being a "scam".

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Posted
6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What kind of job could he possibly have with poor personal hygiene?  

Has your OCD gotten worse since allowing him to stay in your home ? 

How can you be attracted to someone who doesn't brush their teeth, take a shower or engage in normal personal care? 

He currently delivers food for delivery apps. He's trying to find more stable work. 

I definitely feel antsy when he stays in my home. I feel like I'm that little robot in Wall-E that's cleaning up all the mud tracks.

I actually met my boyfriend online and fell for him before meeting in person, so I had no idea how unhygienic he was at first. Once I realised, I was already too smitten that I continued the relationship. Perhaps I have unresolved attachment issues :( 

Posted
5 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

I actually met my boyfriend online and fell for him before meeting in person, so I had no idea how unhygienic he was at first.  :( 

Unfortunately you're at the crossroads of reality now dealing with the real him. It's not too late to cut your losses and have a nice life with a healthy clean person who contributes to your life.  Please set each other free. You're smitten with who you thought he was and hoped he would be. What's in front of you is a filthy demotivated unhealthy person who you will eventually resent.

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Posted
28 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

Hopefully I can get him on board with therapy. I know he has a negative view on therapy in general (he thinks it's just a money-making scam) 

OK, stop right there.  If he's not going to be both keen and proactive about this, it's not going to work.

I imagine that after you've ended this, you will feel a great sense of relief.

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Posted
2 hours ago, sadkoala said:

His personal hygiene is also poor. He sometimes skips his daily shower, forgets to wear deodorant or brush his teeth, keeps his nails unkempt, forgets to wash his hands, etc.

This is absolutely disgusting.  I can't believe you are dating someone like this, let alone considering letting him move into your house.  No, you most definitely should not move in with this guy.  It would be a disaster.  

And on top of everything, he doesn't have a steady job.  You don't ever move in with someone who doesn't have a steady job.

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Posted

I appreciate everyone commenting. A lot of wise words. I feel like I know deep down that I should let him go, but it's so emotionally difficult to... I truly care about him :( 

Posted
4 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

I appreciate everyone commenting. A lot of wise words. I feel like I know deep down that I should let him go, but it's so emotionally difficult to... I truly care about him :( 

It's much less emotionally difficult to cut your losses now than to pursue the fantasy you built up in your mind about him vs the horrible truth about who he is in reality. Again, therapy could help you navigate this and help you.

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Posted
3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's much less emotionally difficult to cut your losses now than to pursue the fantasy you built up in your mind about him vs the horrible truth about who he is in reality. Again, therapy could help you navigate this and help you.

Thank you Wiseman. The logical side of me knows you're right. Breaking up later after moving in together would be much much more difficult...

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Posted

Not very sure here how you got close to him enough to form a romantic relationship if he doesn’t brush his teeth some days or shower on others. I think I’m just confused how it got this far.

How did you kiss or make out or have sex. And if he lives with his mother it means he’s always at your place. How do you know the man can upkeep his own living quarters and maintain a home, let alone your ocd home? You haven’t seen him manage a house or apartment.

I live with many large houseplants and a dog whom I’m mildly allergic to. Dogs sometimes have residual pee and poo on their fur and they track in dirt. Read up on cleaning a dog’s anal glands(where needed/most don’t need help), grooming and spay/neuter aftercare. You’ll be picking up poo the rest of their lives and like today when I ran out of baggies I picked her dry poop with my bare hand so as not to leave it on a walkway. A garbage can was nearby as was a public restroom. Their mouths are full of germs and some like myself are allergic to the saliva. This means each time she mouths or plays I generally wash my hands right afterwards or break out in hives. You’ll also need to figure out whether your dog is allowed on furniture and in certain rooms like bedrooms. I consider myself pretty clean but a dog also needs to be a dog and that means zoomies through mud and sand if need be, rolling around in god knows what and collecting all sizes of sticks. This one is spoiled but also well trained. They love physical affection so whether you think they’re gross or not they don’t know that and can get depressed without that physical touch. I’d really think through getting a dog if you’re not able to provide for all their physical and emotional needs. I think it’s wonderful that you are considering adopting regardless. 

I’m not so sure about this guy though. 

 

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Posted
1 hour ago, glows said:

How did you kiss or make out or have sex. And if he lives with his mother it means he’s always at your place. How do you know the man can upkeep his own living quarters and maintain a home, let alone your ocd home? You haven’t seen him manage a house or apartment.

I’d really think through getting a dog if you’re not able to provide for all their physical and emotional needs. I think it’s wonderful that you are considering adopting regardless. 

Good question. We were probably less physically intimate than the average couple. We still kissed and had sex, but I had to drop a lot of hints beforehand. Like I'd suggest taking a shower together before sex (so he'd be clean) or tell him that I want to brush my teeth to be super fresh before we kiss (so he'd take the hint to brush his own teeth too). 

You're right that he always comes to my place. He has actually never lived on his own before, so I haven't seen him manage his own home.

And yes, I'll definitely consider carefully about getting a dog!

Posted
5 hours ago, sadkoala said:

You're right that he always comes to my place. He has actually never lived on his own before, 

Is he giving you an ultimatum about moving into your place? Why do you have to let him move in? He may be a nice person but he doesn't have to live with you. Unfortunately you seem to be mothering him if you need to remind him to brush his teeth and take a shower like a 5 year old. Reflect if mothering and fixing him is something you're looking for.

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Posted

Dooomed unless you can get Him----Groomed.  The way you would like him to be.  However, I am not seeing it.  No, Please.  I am also seeing a breakup.  You are living  the way you Love and he is Living the way he is Used To and I am not seeing any change on both ends.  Why fix what doesn't need to be fixed?  For Now, Tell him to stay put.  If he brings even one bag into your Place, I  can tell you right Now, Toxicity will take place.  You bo😉th would need to compromise Big Time.

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Posted
11 hours ago, sadkoala said:

Good question. We were probably less physically intimate than the average couple. We still kissed and had sex, but I had to drop a lot of hints beforehand. Like I'd suggest taking a shower together before sex (so he'd be clean) or tell him that I want to brush my teeth to be super fresh before we kiss (so he'd take the hint to brush his own teeth too). 

You're right that he always comes to my place. He has actually never lived on his own before, so I haven't seen him manage his own home.

And yes, I'll definitely consider carefully about getting a dog!

Does he have any skin conditions? Eczema etc can make showers painful for some. Dirty sex can be hot. Have you never just had spontaneous sex without having to be always clean?

I don’t think I’d move in with someone who doesn’t share similar lifestyle/routine and who hasn’t lived on his own before. Major no no. You want a man please not a boy. It’s not likely he’d be one to be particular about you. It’s probably more likely you having difficulty accepting him and his ways that is the issue.

Dogs are the bees knees. The everything. It’s all or nothing with them and no inbetweens - loyalty is unsurpassed as is love and affection. Not to mention a spectacular adventure buddy. She’s always game for anything. Highly recommend a dog if you’re sure you are ready for the commitment.

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Posted
5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he giving you an ultimatum about moving into your place? Why do you have to let him move in? 

Yes, he actually has given me an ultimatum. He said we've been dating long enough and it's time to move in together. He also said that if I truly love him, I should want him to move in.

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