My relationship (3 months) partner (F, 30) lied to me (M,30) about how her past sexual timeline with her friend. Can I trust her?

[himynameismatchu]

Hey yall. I'm currently on a break from my GF due to trust issues I've had with her the past month. We've been together for 3 months. Here's a summary:

 

• Before we became a couple, there was a month period where we agreed to be sexually exclusive. She initiated that conversation and I enthusiastically agreed.
• (Day 1 of official dating) The day we became official couple, she asked whether i was comfortable or uncomfortable with her having a friend (M) she dated briefly 2 years ago. If so, she'd tell me if they ever hung out or communicated. If not, she'd cut ties with him. I appreciated her honesty and I believe ex-partners can be friends so I communicated that I was okay with it.
• (2.5 months into dating) She asks one day if I'm cool with her seeing her friend and I tell her I feel uncomfortable. I asked about their history, and she emphasizes that there was nothing going on between since they last dated in 2021. She understands and provides messages that she cut ties with him immediately. I accepted her efforts and hoped to move on.
• (2.75 months into dating) I reluctantly check her phone and find messages that imply:
  • She slept with him a month before we started dating. She originally told me it had been a long time since they hooked up. I also see other messages that imply she might have done it the week before, too.
  • She stayed the night at his place a few days after we started dating, to have dinner with him (she did tell me she had dinner and got high with a friend and stayed over, but didn't specify who it was).
  • In messages with friends, she was comparing him to me and that she liked me more
• (2.75 still) I demand she text this friend to ask when they last had sex and his reply is "maybe January/February". She offers to call him on speaker phone and his answer changes to "last year".
• (3 months - now) I confronted her, asking about all these things, and she says/does:
  • She lied about the timing because she didn't want me to think of her as a slut and really liked me, and swears on her life that she has not cheated on me.
  • That her friend doesn't mean anything to her, and that she just kept him around while single as a hook-up and swears the last time they hooked up was actually December last year (although this goes against what she originally said when she asked me "how I felt about keeping that friendship").
  • She stayed only once with him: the night they had dinner and got high together but she says the dinner intention was to tell him in person that she was sexually exclusive with me.
  • She asked him to send over screenshots of their conversations to me so I can see their interactions. She was helping with work-related stuff and translating paperwork related to immigration. Most of it seems friendly from her side, but she appears to ignore the opportunity to push back on messages from him that come off as flirty.
  • She's offering for us to go to couples therapy, and that she acknowledges she messed up up keeping him as a friend and that the suspicious is valid and that she disrespected me in lying. She's been super apologetic.

I asked to see her phone again a few days later (I took pics of certain messages) and I found she deleted very specific messages (like one stating she stayed the night at his place either the week before or after we started dating) because "she didn't want me to think there was something going on when there wasn't". I can respect that people have histories with friends & just hookups before relationships, but this is how I feel:

• I'm bothered that she lied about the timing of events with the friend
• Even though she told me about him, I feel like she presented just what she wanted me to know.
• The fact that she deleted very specific messages after she offered to let me see her phone (and I actually did that) makes it hard for me to believe her. It's like even IF she didn't cheat on me, she lied about the timing of things and I keep thinking about things.

 

TLDR: partner lied about the timing of her last sexual encounter with a friend when telling me about him during conversation on how I felt about their friendship. Went through her phone to this out, and when i confronted her about it, found she had deleted specific messages about him.

Question 1: how would you feel if you knew your partner lied to you about a sexual past with friend, when they were the ones initially approaching you to ask how you felt about them based on incomplete information?

Question 2: even if you chose to believe your partner didnt' exactly cheat on you with a friend, could you stay in the relationship knowing they lied about something related to that friendship?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately there's a lot of headaches heartaches and drama for 12 weeks dating including distrust, shady behaviors and going through phones. It may be time to reconsider the relationship rather than just take breaks.

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.

Breaks usually make troubled relationships worse in addition to adding more distrust. For example, what happens "on break" now becomes yet another issue added to the already exiting ones..

Edited June 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[smackie9]

Yup time to walk away from this one. 

[JTSW]

What does it matter when she last slept with him when it was before you two were dating?

She honestly sounds quite sincere to me.

She knew you would overreact but you gave her the green light to keep him as a friend.

It sounds like you have some deep insecurities.

Have you been cheated on before?

[himynameismatchu]

18 minutes ago, JTSW said:

What does it matter when she last slept with him when it was before you two were dating?

She honestly sounds quite sincere to me.

She knew you would overreact but you gave her the green light to keep him as a friend.

It sounds like you have some deep insecurities.

Have you been cheated on before?

Hey thanks for answering.

 

To answer your question, i believe I have been cheated on before. 

 

Yes, I gave the green light based on the knowledge that they hadn't been together in 2 years. Had I known it was recently, I'd have said that i felt uncomfortable. And given she said she wanted to be "honest" about their relationship, I felt like she was trying to preserve their friendship more than really understand how i felt.

Edited June 20, 2023 by himynameismatchu

[JTSW]

Your reaction was a bit extreme if I'm being brutally honest.

[himynameismatchu]

Thanks for your honesty.  Can you elaborate on that, please?

[glows]

Just step back for a second. Question: Do you actually like this woman? I’m talking about her as a person, her character and goals. Is there anything here worth spending an extra moment deliberating? 

If the answer is yes then figure out whether you trust her. If you don’t trust her anymore end this. It’s unhealthy to keep going back and forth on something that has already happened. She seems insecure and afraid of being honest. You are insecure too - possibly due to being cheated on in the past? 

3 months dating is usually right smack in the honeymoon stage. Ask yourself whether it’s time to cut loose. If she wants to keep this friend and you’re not comfortable with it then agree to disagree and move on.

[JTSW]

19 hours ago, himynameismatchu said:

Thanks for your honesty.  Can you elaborate on that, please?

Well, she hasn't cheated on you.

She has offered to do anything and cut people out to make your comfortable.

Yes, she stretched out the timeline of when she last slept with him but it was before you were together so it doesn't really matter.

I personally think you are being a little over the top due to your past hurt by going through her phone and breaking up etc.

She is not the woman who cheated on you.

She clearly values your relationship by offering to cut things/people out of her life.

You need to relax a bit and tell her what you would feel comfortable with.

[Weezy1973]

She didn’t cheat on you but there’s so much drama already for a 3 month long relationship. If this is bothering you so much you need to write a post about it on an anonymous forum, yes, it’s time to end it. And maybe forego dating and explore your values when it comes to partners sexual past. 

[Grumpy Bob]

I'm honestly struggling to follow the issue here..

This isn't meant to sound judgemental, but you seem happy enough to be a sexual relationship with a promiscuous drug-user?  So what's the issue?

Sorry, but I just can't get my head around guys that want to find a woman who'll jump straight into their bed, but then seem mortified that maybe theirs' wasn't the first bed???

Yeah, she had had sex (and did drugs) with other men before you.  If you're looking for a virgin (at 30) then I can only suggest you find religion, be prepared to wait, and even then you might be struggling.  And that's pushing aside the obvious hypocrisy.

Now yes, I know that you'll CLAIM this is about honesty, but it's not.  

Firstly, you're all offended because she compared you (even favourably) to another man.  You need to grow a pair and grow up.  If you want to live a "sexually liberal" lifestyle, then you need to come to terms with the fact that the women you have sex with, won't be virgins and will themselves have had a variety of sexual partners.

Secondly, you've obviously made your insecurities obvious, and so she has tried to shield you from reality.  You keep talking about this "sexual exclusivity" but don't seem to understand what that means.  It means that prior to entering into that agreement with you, she was having sex with other men.  

In all honesty, your behaviour has been obsessive and controlling.

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, Grumpy Bob said:

In all honesty, your behaviour has been obsessive and controlling.

I have to agree with this. 

That's the impression I get too.

[Alpacalia]

Another point to consider.

Yes, it's fair to be uncomfortable about something and express it, and lying to you isn't a good sign either, but why did she lie? Perhaps she was afraid of how you would react to the truth or felt embarrassed about it. Why does she not feel comfortable being brutally honest with you? What makes you look at her phone regardless? While not defending dishonesty, there are quite a few things that compromise the trust that you described. I would ask why?

If you don't trust each other then why are you dating in the first place? There has to be free and honest communication between you both, which means respect, from your post it’s missing with both of you.

[JakeT]

You can’t become FRIENDS with someone you had a sexual relationship with. Once a lover always a lover.  Can’t go backwards. Once someone has sex with someone,, much easier to have sex again.   Either she is with you, or not.