Caught the feels

[catperson888]

Yep- the title sums it all up. 

Backstory: met this guy at the gym last year.  I'm a 36f and he is a 32m.  First we would just wave and say hi, then I started talking to him on the treadmill (not something I normally do, but since we exchanged pleasantries, why not?).  We got to talking, exchanged numbers, and a week or so later went on a date.  It went VERY well, but I think he was just getting out of something.  Over the course of this last year, we've seen each other sporadically- mostly because our schedules are the complete opposites and he travels (day trips) for work.  When we are together, we have a great time, great conversation, and amazing sex.  We don't text a lot-just to make plans to hang out.

Here is the rut: I am developing feelings for him, and I know it won't be reciprocated. I know this based on some reactions to conversations (although I never brought up 'us'). I need to tell him as that is what I need to give myself a piece of mind. I'm not exactly sure what I want to say. I'm thinking something along the lines of:

"I need to be completely honest with you- my feelings for you are stronger than what yours are for me; and I'm sure you're aware of it. I'm not in denial or oblivious to the fact that what you want and what I want are different. It leaves me with a feeling that does not sit well with me, and is too difficult for me to continue with what we have. When we hang out, I thoroughly enjoy it, and want something definitive. I just want to say 'thank you' for allowing me to learn about you, and from you. No need to respond back- just continue staying humble."

Any suggestions/advice? He really is a great guy, but our outlooks are different.

[Alpacalia]

Either the situationship will end without the need for a formal conversation, with communication gradually slowing, or one party will stop replying, signifying the end. Do not be hard on yourself for being truthful and mature about how you feel. 

Take control of your own wellbeing and draw a line under the relationship.

Cut off your association and move forward.

 

Edited June 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[catperson888]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Either the situationship will end without the need for a formal conversation, with communication gradually slowing, or one party will stop replying, signifying the end. Do not be hard on yourself for being truthful and mature about how you feel. 

Take control of your own wellbeing and draw a line under the relationship.

Cut off your association and move forward.

Thank you!  It is just tough bc I got out of a toxic back/forth relationship and he was the first one that I fell for, and we are compatible on so many topics.  My well being is my #1 concern, and he deserves the truth from me.  I can't pin this all on him as neither he nor I ever discussed what we ever want.  I am giving him a clean break and doing the dirty work bc I mentally cannot do this.

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, catperson888 said:

Thank you!  It is just tough bc I got out of a toxic back/forth relationship and he was the first one that I fell for, and we are compatible on so many topics.  My well being is my #1 concern, and he deserves the truth from me.  I can't pin this all on him as neither he nor I ever discussed what we ever want.  I am giving him a clean break and doing the dirty work bc I mentally cannot do this.

That sounds like a very difficult situation, and it is admirable that you are trying to be honest and give him a clean break. It can be difficult to walk away, especially one that started off with promise and compatibility. But by taking the hard steps now, you can put yourself in a better frame of mind and ensure that you are in a relationship that is healthy and true for you.

Good luck.

Edited June 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[catperson888]

21 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

That sounds like a very difficult situation, and it is admirable that you are trying to be honest and give him a clean break. It can be difficult to walk away, especially one that started off with promise and compatibility. But by taking the hard steps now, you can put yourself in a better frame of mind and ensure that you are in a relationship that is healthy and true for you.

Good luck.

I appreciate your kind words as it is a very difficult situation, but I can't lie to myself.  I can daydream, and a wishin' and a hopin', but that is where it ends 😕  I just needed this off my chest.

[Weezy1973]

I think what you wrote is fine except I’d take the part about you have stronger feeling than him. You don’t know what his feelings are. You can just say you want a relationship and know he’s not in the same space or something like that. 

[catperson888]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think what you wrote is fine except I’d take the part about you have stronger feeling than him. You don’t know what his feelings are. You can just say you want a relationship and know he’s not in the same space or something like that. 

Thank you for the insight, and I agree I shouldn't assume what his feelings are; I'm just going by actions that speak louder than words.  I am going to change that phrasing just so I'm not making assumptions.

[stillafool]

Was he the first one to ask you out or did you ask him first to get together?

[catperson888]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Was he the first one to ask you out or did you ask him first to get together?

When we first met at the gym, he wanted to go straight to breakfast.  I couldn't go that am, so then we chose a day to meet later that week. 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, catperson888 said:

When we first met at the gym, he wanted to go straight to breakfast.  I couldn't go that am, so then we chose a day to meet later that week. 

So he was the first one to ask for your phone number and to go to breakfast?  If he was the one to make the first move he's obviously dating around and asking girls out.  Why do you think he's just getting out of something?  What makes you think his feelings are less than yours at this point?

[glows]

I’d condense it a lot more. “I have strong feelings for you and we want different things. It’s best we end this.”

As you say he’s aware. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I like what you both have right now and I think, I'd be scared he could grow cold feet and walk away.  Perhaps a Small HINT when together could be better but I believe if he  is not giving you any of his own Hints, He doesn't want to change the beautiful thing you have at this time.  It's your choice.  Your letter is lovely but just worried he may step back a bit.  My own Opinion:  If it is meant t🥰o be More, Mother Nature will give you that special seed you need.....

Edited June 13, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[catperson888]

38 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So he was the first one to ask for your phone number and to go to breakfast?  If he was the one to make the first move he's obviously dating around and asking girls out.  Why do you think he's just getting out of something?  What makes you think his feelings are less than yours at this point?

1- We both showed interest as we saw each other at the gym, would wave/acknowledge each other (it was a decent amount of times), and we saw each other out in the community at least once. So, it wasn't just a "hey, I see you for the first time, let's go for breakfast and here is my number" type of deal.

2- A woman's intuition and just things he said when we were out for lunch, and in passing.  We did talk about both our prior/past relationships to an extent.

3. - At times, his actions speak louder than words.  He's great when we are together, but texting and phone communication isn't.  If his feelings were on the same level as mine, he would show more interest and initiate. 

[catperson888]

30 minutes ago, glows said:

I’d condense it a lot more. “I have strong feelings for you and we want different things. It’s best we end this.”

As you say he’s aware. 

I really like this suggestion- thank you.  It is shorter and to the point.  He is definitely aware.  If he isn't, then I don't know.... lol

[catperson888]

24 minutes ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

I like what you both have right now and I think, I'd be scared he could grow cold feet and walk away.  Perhaps a Small HINT when together could be better but I believe if he  is not giving you any of his own Hints, He doesn't want to change the beautiful thing you have at this time.  It's your choice.  Your letter is lovely but just worried he may step back a bit.  My own Opinion:  If it is meant t🥰o be More, Mother Nature will give you that special seed you need.....

I understand what you are saying about the cold feet.  You are correct- he gives me no hints, nothing.  I asked a good friend of mine about what can be added/changed, and he suggested putting a brief statement along the lines in there about if I read this wrong and he does reciprocate.  He said adding that does leave the door open, but he knows where I stand without any manipulating factors.

[glows]

Ok. Then:

”I have strong feelings for you and want to see this progress but we may want different things. What are your thoughts?”

See what he says.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Ok. Then:

”I have strong feelings for you and want to see this progress but we may want different things. What are your thoughts?”

See what he says.

I totally agree with this version above. I totally agree with Weezy's suggestion that you don't know what his feelings for you are. I think whenever people are having an interpersonal conversation it's 1000 times better to just ask for what you want/state your feelings and then ask what they think.  Don't put words into his mouth, be open to be pleasantly surprised. Even if your instincts are right about what he does or doesn't want, you look like you are overthinking it and way too anxious about it, which might be exactly what he's afraid of, relationship-wise..things to get all heavy.  

I think many of the times when one person is giving more than the other person, often that happens because after a while people keep seeing each other with the assumption that this pattern is ok or it's all that person is deserving of in some way. The Strongest thing you can do to squash that perception is to speak up. It may change the outcome.. Maybe even not immediately but it's probably continued like this and in this pattern because you don't speak up. Sounds like from the way you phrased it that you aren't quite comfortable speaking up. Shorter is better. Direct and to the point. Open ended question...it's a conversation not a statement or declaration. Good luck

Edited June 13, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Alpacalia]

Is there a part inside of you that hopes for a response? A part of me feels that you would be less concerned with how the message comes across. Perhaps I'm wrong, and that you don't care either way.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, catperson888 said:

.  He's great when we are together, but texting and phone communication isn't.  If his feelings were on the same level as mine, he would show more interest and initiate. 

Sorry this is happening. Have you talked about being in a relationship vs FWB? Are you exclusive or seeing others? How often do you see each other in person and what type of communication are you hoping for in between getting together?  

Sadly he seems more ok with the status quo than you do. It's doubtful your message about ending it will change that. However it could help you to step back and see his response to it.

Since you're breaking it off, in effect, his only response could be accept it rather than step things up to save what you have. 

Unfortunately many break-up messages are often more about pleas for change than definitively trying to end things. This could be why you're trying to word it so carefully. You still seem to have a stake in the outcome. 

Edited June 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

I wish you the best of luck.

He obviously cares about you.

[Alpacalia]

It initially seemed like your intention was to send him a message as a form of providing closure for yourself and moving on from a situation you're not happy with, demonstrating that you valued your exchange enough to end it on good terms, rather than just cutting off communication.

Do you hope to persuade him to change his opinion, or are you merely aiming to open the door for further discussion?

Your instincts are probably correct that he is okay with the situation as it is. Try not to focus so much on getting a particular reaction or response; instead, focus on what is best for you.

Take ownership of yourself and your needs, and have faith that the universe will take care of everything else.

Edited June 13, 2023 by Alpacalia

[catperson888]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It initially seemed like your intention was to send him a message as a form of providing closure for yourself and moving on from a situation you're not happy with, demonstrating that you valued your exchange enough to end it on good terms, rather than just cutting off communication.

Do you hope to persuade him to change his opinion, or are you merely aiming to open the door for further discussion?

Your instincts are probably correct that he is okay with the situation as it is. Try not to focus so much on getting a particular reaction or response; instead, focus on what is best for you.

Take ownership of yourself and your needs, and have faith that the universe will take care of everything else.

That is exactly my intentions- just closure on good terms.  I have no hard or no ill feelings, but I can't continue doing this to me.  It wouldn't be fair to any future prospects either if I'm stuck on this guy as well, or in this situation.  I can't persuade him for anything-- I just want to keep the door open for future discussion.  I'm not opposed to that at all- I'm just opposed to how this is coming about. 

[catperson888]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Have you talked about being in a relationship vs FWB? Are you exclusive or seeing others? How often do you see each other in person and what type of communication are you hoping for in between getting together?  

Sadly he seems more ok with the status quo than you do. It's doubtful your message about ending it will change that. However it could help you to step back and see his response to it.

Since you're breaking it off, in effect, his only response could be accept it rather than step things up to save what you have. 

Unfortunately many break-up messages are often more about pleas for change than definitively trying to end things. This could be why you're trying to word it so carefully. You still seem to have a stake in the outcome. 

Thank you!  We never had a conversation about either, or any conversations at all.  I'm not exclusive with him or seeing other people.  It isn't that I'm not opposed to it, just haven't found anyone.  We see each other sporadically (few times a month), and not sure about communication wise.  I have guy friends that I can send quick texts to about nothing, but there is nothing attached to our relationships.  I wouldn't be able to have that kind of r/s with him.

I also think he is okay with status quo, especially bc we haven't discussed anything otherwise- which I take some ownership for as this should have been addressed.  You're right about why I worded it so carefully, but in the same time to show no hard feelings.  I did enjoy hanging out with him, etc.

 

[catperson888]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Is there a part inside of you that hopes for a response? A part of me feels that you would be less concerned with how the message comes across. Perhaps I'm wrong, and that you don't care either way.

If this isn't what he wants or is looking for, I don't need a reason or him explaining himself.  I'm okay with no response, as that is a response in itself.

[catperson888]

11 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I totally agree with this version above. I totally agree with Weezy's suggestion that you don't know what his feelings for you are. I think whenever people are having an interpersonal conversation it's 1000 times better to just ask for what you want/state your feelings and then ask what they think.  Don't put words into his mouth, be open to be pleasantly surprised. Even if your instincts are right about what he does or doesn't want, you look like you are overthinking it and way too anxious about it, which might be exactly what he's afraid of, relationship-wise..things to get all heavy.  

I think many of the times when one person is giving more than the other person, often that happens because after a while people keep seeing each other with the assumption that this pattern is ok or it's all that person is deserving of in some way. The Strongest thing you can do to squash that perception is to speak up. It may change the outcome.. Maybe even not immediately but it's probably continued like this and in this pattern because you don't speak up. Sounds like from the way you phrased it that you aren't quite comfortable speaking up. Shorter is better. Direct and to the point. Open ended question...it's a conversation not a statement or declaration. Good luck

I surely don't know what his feelings truly are, and possibly he doesn't know himself.  It is funny you brought up the topic of what a person is deserving of- but we low key talked about some of that, and some level of personal respect.  If he is up for conversation, I won't say no.  You are 100% correct that I do not speak up.  I am not one who likes to rock the boat, and is pretty much go with the flow.