Relationships feel unnecessary

[Norell]

I'm simply trying to understand myself and not necessarily fix anything - since I don't feel broken. I hope you'll share your insights - especially if you've experienced something similar to me. Because of that, my post is not so much a question, but rather a hope of starting a discussion and exchange of knowledge and experiences.

I haven't been in many relationships, but they've always ended with me subconsciously putting in less and less effort despite feeling no drop in my love towards my partner and them not changing in a negative way. I became aware of this pattern when it happened again in my latest relationship.

After a lot of exploring and analysing my feelings, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I don't feel much benefit from being in a relationship. It sounds cold and calculating, but it's the best way I can describe what I'm feeling.
I've never had an issue being single. In fact, I've enjoyed the times I've been single, and I've never actively sought out relationships - they just happen. Thinking back, I can see that while I was single, I never felt any needs that required a relationship to be fulfilled.
Being in a relationship comes with boundaries and commitment, which means that my experience of freedom, mobility and spontaneity naturally gets limited to some extent. Even if it's only a small restriction, it seems that these things are so important to me that being in a relationship eventually turns out to subtract from my overall satisfaction with my life and my feeling of fulfillment.
People often talk about their partners and/or the relationship making them whole or filling out a missing piece. I've never felt that way, and I think it may be because I've never experienced this kind of need or a "missing piece" that only a relationship could supply.

I'm very much aware that what I'm describing may be labelled as commitment issues. Maybe it is. But to me it feels more like a discovery of my own needs/values and it would feel wrong not to listen to them. People always preach respect in a relationship, and I feel that not acknowledging my own needs would be disrespecting myself - the one person I can never not be in a relationship with.

So I'm really curious as to whether others have had this feeling that a committed, romantic relationship doesn't add to your life and have felt more content with being single.

[stillafool]

Yes I used to feel that way for many years.   My first marriage ended in divorce because I never really wanted to get married and have kids.  I just went along because I was young, that's what people expected and all my friends were getting married.  Obviously that was the wrong reason to get married and it only lasted a short time.  After my divorce I stayed single and loved it for the next 17 years until I met my now husband who I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life married to.  I love being married to him and am very fulfilled.  It really is okay not to want to get coupled or married.  I think in this day and age less and less people want marriage and children so you're certainly not alone.  It's also okay not to want to be in a commited relationship.  If you're happy don't question yourself.  Are you receiving negative comments about your choice?

[Foxhall]

Yes I am agreeing with you on balance,

Freedom and money I tend to view as more important than close relationships

physical health and well-being the most important- but after that I would prefer money and hence freeedom rather than close relationships- most people tend to disagree on the latter I think 

but in my view relationships and friends come and go- 

money and freedom to do as you please answer to no one- thats the wavelength to be on.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You may want to reconsider the view that ANY compromise is the equivalent of slavery or death. That's a vast overstatement and exaggeration. Lots of compromise is minor. Some compromise can be fun. I sometimes go out with friends, and I say, "hey, you choose where we're to go." I don't need to get my way on everything. 

Compromise also is two way. So you bend a little (and sometimes can later find that bending to be less onerous than you imagined) and the other person bends to give you what you want (and sometimes finds doing so extremely satisfying). 

The bottom line is you think that you can't have a satisfying relationship--that seems to be the statement you're making. Of course single people can be happy. Of course, and some of those single people were formerly married and are deliriously happy to be single and vow to not marry (and sometimes not even date) again. 

So no, you don't have to be romantically partnered to be happy. That seems pretty obvious and accepted these days--even if people want to be partnered. But maybe I'm wrong. 

 

Edited June 9, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[glows]

I can relate somewhat. I thoroughly love being single, never ever not enjoyed it at any time or phase of life. When I’m single it’s like a drug and it feels incredibly good. It’s practically a high, every single day. I can get up and do whatever I want when I want and for however long I want. Zero discussions. Zero debates. Zero negotiations and absolutely no check ins. It’s a vast expanse of tranquility and ecstasy. 

I’ve of course felt sad and devastated after break ups. I’ve not ever put in less and less effort in a relationship. It’s been pretty steady in terms of effort and loyalty. However people do change and relationships change too. I’ve loved every person I’ve been in a relationship with deeply and put my whole heart into it every step of the way. 

So here and there I’d say. I’m fine with either but being single has always definitely been a high.

[Lotsgoingon]

Love that phrase @glows"When I’m single it’s like a drug and it feels incredibly good." I'm cracking up. I'm single and I guess that's quite true to me more than I sometimes remember--OMG, this is hilarious!

[Els]

15 hours ago, Norell said:

But to me it feels more like a discovery of my own needs/values and it would feel wrong not to listen to them. People always preach respect in a relationship, and I feel that not acknowledging my own needs would be disrespecting myself - the one person I can never not be in a relationship with.

You are correct - there's absolutely nothing wrong with knowing yourself and knowing what you need, as long as you don't mislead anyone else (e.g. if you are having casual sex with someone, then state upfront that you don't want a relationship). Society in general tries to push everyone down the same train track, but you would be doing yourself a huge disfavour by listening to them and not being authentic to yourself.

I don't experience this with relationships, personally - I'd rather be single than in a mediocre relationship, sure, but I'm married to the person I love and it's been 15 amazing years and counting. But I do experience it with the societal pressure to have children. I'm childfree, and you wouldn't BELIEVE how many people try to convince me that I'm "wrong" to want what I want (a childfree life).

Be yourself. Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

[Alpacalia]

As long as you understand your motivations for abstaining from relationships, that is what's most important. After I was deeply hurt, I oscillated between wanting a relationship and being scared of getting close to someone again. Ultimately, I chose to abstain because it was a conscious decision, not out of fear or lack. I didn't want to distract myself with another person, instead, I wanted to invest in loving and accepting myself and healing my wounds. Plus, I didn't feel like I was in the right place to be a good partner to someone else.

Knowing the reasons behind your choice to not be in a relationship can make it an empowering decision. You're not denying yourself a relationship, but rather taking the time to prioritize your own wellbeing.

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Norell said:

 happened again in my latest relationship. I don't feel much benefit from being in a relationship. 

Exactly. Relationships are not required. It's a trade for if the benefits outweigh the comprise. In the case, it seems like the wrong person/relationship if you're not benefiting.

It's not cold or calculating or unusual. There are unfortunately plenty of relationships that do more harm than good. There are also relationships where people just coast along on autopilot out of complacency. (Which sounds like your last several relationships).

So being in a relationship is really your choice.  It's better to be free than be trapped.

Edited June 9, 2023 by Wiseman2