Caught gf in a lie about a guy friend

[Zach239]

Basically, my girlfriend (27f) has a good guy friend. She seemed a little bit too energetic whenever she talked about him. So I (30m) asked one day if they ever dated or hooked up. She said no. I’m usually good and not suspicious of anybody. However, for this particular case something just didn’t feel right. I looked at her previous messages to him that go back about a few months. Nothing suspicious- just looks like too good friends talking. However, I found a few saved screenshots of her messaging him a few months before she met me. Let’s just say they were kind of raunchy and talked about them doing things together. Now, I’ve met this guy. She introduced us. She’s even trying to get him and I to become buddies, lol. My main question is this- why lie? Is she ashamed of something? I did tell her at one point that I’m not comfortable with her being friends with guys she’s dated or messed around with. My other question could be this: does she truly not want to let go of a good friends? And what is going on in her head about wanting him and I to become buddies? Don’t worry I’m already planning on breaking out so I don’t get a lecture on that. I just want to know the answers to why and also I wanna hear some other opinions. 

[glows]

You both may have different definitions of what dated or messed around means and she may not be lying to you. What do you mean “breaking out”. Are you intending to break up with her? Are there other issues in the relationship? 

I don’t think it’s odd that she wants you to be on good terms with this guy but if she’s trying so hard and straining to get you to like him, yes, it seems odd. I’d think she picks up on your jealousy or discomfort. In what way is she getting you to be “buddies”?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Zach239 said:

: does she truly not want to let go of a good friends? I’m already planning on breaking out 

I think you know they're more than friends or at least want to be. If you're ending it, that's fine. You're not right for each other.

[ShyViolet]

You asked her if she and him had ever hooked up or dated... she said no.  Maybe that was the truth, since you only found text messages between them talking about doing stuff.  That doesn't mean they ever actually did it.  Why are you snooping through her phone or messages?  That's not healthy relationship behavior.  If you even feel the need to do that, then you shouldn't be with the person.

10 hours ago, Zach239 said:

Don’t worry I’m already planning on breaking out so I don’t get a lecture on that. 

What does this mean?  You are already planning on breaking up with her?  If so, then do it already and don't drag this out.  Everything else doesn't matter now.

[helloladies21]

What do you mean by raunchy exactly? One person's definition might be that, but another's might be light flirting between friends that never led to anything more.

IIf they really were talking about explicit sexual acts, you can bring it up again. Say something like "So there's really never been anything between you two?" If she denies it again and you're dead set on breaking it off anyway, confront her with what you found. No need to hide it at that point. 

[Alpacalia]

Probably because what she did prior to you getting together is none of your business. She may not feel the need to tell you about people she may have been attracted to in the past and text conversations she's had with other people. What was she supposed to do? Give you a transcript of their text exchange that occurred prior to meeting you?

At the end of the day, only she can tell you what's going on in her head. It's up to you to decide if you can trust her and accept her answer.

Doesn't sound like you do, so, onwards.

[JTSW]

How do you even know she is lying?

Nothing suggests that they actually hooked up.

It sounds like they connected a while back but felt more comfortable as friends.

I don't think you should be snooping through her phone, that's just wrong.

You sound insecure about him but the fact that she wants to be friends with her friend makes it sound like you are the one overreacting.

You clearly lack trust.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Zach239 said:

I found a few saved screenshots of her messaging him a few months before she met me. Let’s just say they were kind of raunchy 

Agree that ending it is the best recourse. Once people are policing and snooping through each other's devices and there's distrust about "friends", it's time to cut your losses.

[Mrin]

The second I lose trust in a partner my attraction to her dies. I may not end it immediately (I should) but the relationship is doomed. Period. What's wild is that my 6th sense is usually what tips me off and it has always been correct. Trying to think of a time when it wasn't... 

Mrin

[smackie9]

She lied because she knows you wouldn't like it. If you don't like this dynamic between them stop this relationship and tell her why. Maybe she will learn something from it. 

[Alvino Martins]

Well, buddy, relationships can be a real puzzle sometimes, huh? It sounds like you stumbled upon some raunchy messages from the past, and now you're wondering what's up with your girlfriend's behavior. Here's the deal: people's motivations can be complex, and sometimes they do things that might not make much sense to us.

In my past sugar relationship experiences, I've learned that sometimes folks keep connections open because it validates them in some way. Maybe it's about finding a new long-term relationship after their initial "benefit session," if you catch my drift. But hey, let's not dwell too much on the past, alright?

Now, about your girl and her buddy, it's possible she genuinely values their friendship and doesn't want to let it go. As for why she wants you two to be buddies, well, that's a bit of a head-scratcher. It could be innocent, or maybe there's a deeper reason behind it. The best way to get answers is to have an open and honest conversation with her. Share your concerns and feelings, and give her a chance to explain herself.

Remember, relationships thrive on communication, my friend. Just be upfront and let her know that her recent behavior isn't making you feel comfortable. It's important to hear each other out and see if you can find common ground.

So, gather your thoughts, plan that conversation, and keep your cool. Who knows, maybe you'll uncover some surprising insights and come to a resolution that works for both of you. Good luck, my man!

[Jesslyn]

On 6/7/2023 at 9:13 PM, Zach239 said:

Basically, my girlfriend (27f) has a good guy friend. She seemed a little bit too energetic whenever she talked about him. So I (30m) asked one day if they ever dated or hooked up. She said no. I’m usually good and not suspicious of anybody. However, for this particular case something just didn’t feel right. I looked at her previous messages to him that go back about a few months. Nothing suspicious- just looks like too good friends talking. However, I found a few saved screenshots of her messaging him a few months before she met me. Let’s just say they were kind of raunchy and talked about them doing things together. Now, I’ve met this guy. She introduced us. She’s even trying to get him and I to become buddies, lol. My main question is this- why lie? Is she ashamed of something? I did tell her at one point that I’m not comfortable with her being friends with guys she’s dated or messed around with. My other question could be this: does she truly not want to let go of a good friends? And what is going on in her head about wanting him and I to become buddies? Don’t worry I’m already planning on breaking out so I don’t get a lecture on that. I just want to know the answers to why and also I wanna hear some other opinions. 

Sounds like overthinking to me. If you think she is worth keeping regardless her past then just be in the moment. Otherwise, it does not look sustainable.