How to react when you are the only one reaching out to get together

[roses20]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Can't you just go back to the way it was before you started ruminating about it so much?  I know your emotions don't agree with this, but what you have described is a rather casual friendship  with a person you have known for 2 years, and spent some time with about once a month.  

You initiated, but it seems like you were both enjoying it.   Still, you saw each other infrequently, your friendship did not develop further, and you were happy with that, except for the fact that you did all the contacting.

Why not just call her and see if she's down for a walk or whatever you enjoyed together once in a while in earlier times?  

I will try and reply to everybody here.

Firstly, @NuevoYorko, I  did what you suggested a month ago or so, but now she is not free anymore, she needs to rest from the clubbing. So it is not as before, because before she was available and we could make plans 1 day in advance. Now she always says she has to see if she feels she has energy that day for us to see each other. That is the new context now. And the point was that I was already doing all the contact and to break it. Not do it again, which I have done once and it doesn't matter anymore, because she never knows if she will be able to see me because she is resting from her new activity.

@Basil67 Yes, you are right, people have the freedom to hang out with whom they want and invite whom they want. I also believe this. My issue was not with that in itself, that was a "bonus" let's say to the original issue of the topic. She could have had 100 other friends. But it felt odd that she would avoid inviting me, maybe because this has not happened to me before. And on top of me doing all the reaching out anyway, now we can't even make plans anymore because she is booked with them and I feel it's a bit unfair to not make space for older friends. I just place a lot of value on friendships, what can I say... some people care more about romantic side of life for example. For me friends are important. And you are right that I should not push myself in a group. But would you feel ok with the fact that a friend doesn't want you hanging with them and some other friends? ( I am asking this separately, not as a reason to push yourself in a group, just to clear that out, I know now that it's not ok to resist what is even if you liked things to be different). Like when you think of it, ot sounds as if she never liked you anyway and just hung out with you until something better came along. I guess this thought hurts me. Because I want to be friends with someone who doesn't purposefully try to avoid me being with their other friends. And it wasn't like I wanted to be all the time with them. But you know how you want something more (as a confirmation that you are worthy I guess) the more you can't have it? I guess I wanted confirmation that my suspicions are not true and that she is not trying to keep me away from them. But no, I would not want to be a part by force, you are right, this is how it looks from the outside. I just wanted to feel like I can belong in a group of girls which I liked, even if it was very sparingly. But not feel rejected all together. 

And from the outside, I would say the same things to someone, that people operate differently etc. Because on a rational level I know this, it is common knowledge. But when you are invested emotionally in a situation, it is not the same putting into practice what you know. And to be fair, until you guys said it, I did not take into consideration the fact that maybe all along, she was not seeing me the same way I saw her. I thought we were on the same page. So you opened my eyes on this. I guess I just wanted to know clearly where I stand with her, but as people said, I may never get that from.her part, that honesty I am looking for.

@Alpacalia I agree, I have been mulling over this, because I have not gotten closure with this situation. Closure by talking to her or closure by my suspicions being debunked and thinking it was all in my head. For me it was therapeutic to write here and read your replies, because I would have not seen a different perspective. I know this thread is very long, but there were many things to clarify and I guess it just extended itself as people were also asking some questions and for me it is helpful.

And yes, I am learning lessons from here, just because I kept writing was not that I did not understand, I just expressed my feelings. I am the type of person who doesn't feel good when bottling up feelings, that is why comversations are important to me, especially the uncomfortable ones, because you either make progress or learn a lesson if you have them. The thing is that she will eventually ask me if something is going on, so I think inevitably the topic will arise. But for me it is for the better, because it will clear things out.

And I want to thank you all for the time you took to reply to this topic. 

Edited August 20, 2023 by roses20

[basil67]

14 hours ago, roses20 said:

@Basil67 .....And on top of me doing all the reaching out anyway, now we can't even make plans anymore because she is booked with them and I feel it's a bit unfair to not make space for older friends. ... And you are right that I should not push myself in a group. But would you feel ok with the fact that a friend doesn't want you hanging with them and some other friends? 

This isn't about fairness, it's about their preference.  Also, you're again overstating your value to her.  If you were a treasured older friend and she wanted to spend time with you, she would make space for you.

Would I feel OK with this situation?   Of course I'd be OK. I would never expect a friend to invite me to hang with her other groups in the first place.  I think I've said this repeatedly.

 

14 hours ago, roses20 said:

And from the outside, I would say the same things to someone, that people operate differently etc. Because on a rational level I know this, it is common knowledge. But when you are invested emotionally in a situation, it is not the same putting into practice what you know. And to be fair, until you guys said it, I did not take into consideration the fact that maybe all along, she was not seeing me the same way I saw her. I thought we were on the same page. So you opened my eyes on this. I guess I just wanted to know clearly where I stand with her, but as people said, I may never get that from.her part, that honesty I am looking for.

Yes, you've got it!

14 hours ago, roses20 said:

 I am the type of person who doesn't feel good when bottling up feelings, that is why comversations are important to me, especially the uncomfortable ones, because you either make progress or learn a lesson if you have them. The thing is that she will eventually ask me if something is going on, so I think inevitably the topic will arise. But for me it is for the better, because it will clear things out.

I have a different view here:  Your uncomfortable conversation (talking about her not inviting you/asking to be included in the future) made her uncomfortable and she doesn't want friends who make her feel this way.   If she valued your friendship, she would not be too busy or tired to meet.  So the only logical conclusion is that she's now actively avoiding you.  I don't think she will ask you if something is going on.....I think she will just disappear.  While you may value uncomfortable conversations, you still don't seem to understand these discussions can drive away the kind of person who sees those conversations as needy or drama. 

Sometimes you've just gotta read the room

[Esteban]

On 8/19/2023 at 1:51 AM, roses20 said:

I was actually curious about your experience. Maybe you can try again making a post. Perhaps there was an error with the site

OK, but keep in mind but this is just my experiences, I am not sure if it is relevant to you or not. To anyone else following the thread, this post is loosely related and you should be able to skip it and still follow the thread.

Also, I am male and had more than half male friends so it could be slightly different to female - female relationships.

I made a lot of friends at University (1998-2003) although many were people I went out with rather than anything else.

Sometimes I would realize that certain friendships were being sustained more by me, like I would notice that I had called/emailed/visited them twice in a row/three times and they rarely initiated anything. In such a case, I would normally stop contacting the person. I would never say "I would appreciate if if you be the one to call me sometimes" (I now wonder if this was a mistake).

Occasionally they would then contact me but more typically one of two things would then happen:

1 The relationship would end and I´d maybe even never see them again.

2 I´d then see them by chance in the street or at the University or at a large gathering we´d both been invited to and they would say "Hey, great to see you! We should go out!" At the time I saw this as somewhat insincere, as if they would only think of me if they bumped into me, then they couldn´t value the relationship. So I would wonder if the enthusiasm was faked. Some of these relationships could sustain themselves for quite a while on the basis that I would organize something or be the one to call them and take the initiative, and they would then reciprocate by being the one to suggest a social meetup when we happened to bump into each other by chance.

Eventually, over the years, I came to believe/understand that many of these people were genuinely interested in a friendship with me but just didn´t think to call me, would perhaps put it off because it feels like sticking your neck out and then forget, or just get busy.

A variation on this theme is when I would see one of these people and they would say "why haven´t you called or been over to visit?". I would not normally say "well I called the last two times and you didn´t reply to my last email either, so I was waiting for you to contact me" as that would be weird and I could never think how to best reply. Sometimes I´d just brush the question off, but it annoyed me. But some people are not keeping track of who is making more effort, and not making much effort themselves either. It´s not an ideal combination. Some of these people are probably popular people with lots of acquaintances who have never had to make an effort. I´m not sure how well this works out for them long term.

Once I left University I steadily lost all of the Uni friendships over the next 5 or 10 years.

In the future, when I have these relationships I think I will try actually saying something like "I´d appreciate it if you call sometime or be the one to suggest going out".

Anyway, that´s my experience. I am not sure how relevant it is to you though. It could be that your friend is one of those people that never make the effort. Although the way you tell the story does also make us wonder if she just likes other people more than you.

If that turns out to be true, try, as difficult as it is, not to feel any sense of inferiority or low self esteem. Just make an effort to focus on other friends or make new friends and not worry about her.

If you´re clingy you become less attractive as a friend.

Edited August 21, 2023 by Esteban

[Lisa]

Thread closed as per OP request