How to react when you are the only one reaching out to get together

June 4, 2023

I have been friends with this girl for over 2 years now. At first, she would also write to me to hang out and it was once per month maybe when she did that. After the first 2-3 months of us knowing each other, I was mainly the one who would reach out to her to ask her if she wants to hang out and do something. She never said no, but at the same time, for almost 1 year now, I have noticed she hasn't initiated anything. And I like going out with her. Our friendship is not one where we talk daily, we only text when we want to go out. And for me it's fine, as it works since I also am not that much of a texter like I used to. But I don't know what to think about the fact that it's been constantly only me reaching out to her. And mind you, I write once a month , I am not suffocating her or anything with wanting to spend time together. I have started to feel a little bitter since aknowledging she will not ask me to meet if I don't say anything..

And right now I just want to let it be like this and wait and see if truly she will not reach out to me at all. I just don't know how to deal with the situation if I see that more than a month passes and she doesn't say anything. I did not want to jump to conslusions but I can't help but feel it is one sided in this case, as I feel that if you value someone's presence, you also initiate to see them, because it would feel good to see my feeling is reciprocated as well as I assume it feels for her when I am asking her to see each other.

In the last months she befriended a group of girls and goes out clubbing a lot and I don't know if it is because of this, but I just don't get it how some people when they find new shiny friends, they act as if the older one is not there and forgets.

My question is how would you react in this situation? What would you do? I really need some outside perspective...I have also went out to meet new people, but did not resonate with anyone yet. I will keep trying to make new friends, but of course, as always, you can't control when that is going to happen... And I don't know if it is even worth to tell her these things, because maybe I will come across as needy or she will dismiss me.

June 4, 2023

8 minutes ago, roses20 said:

My question is how would you react in this situation? What would you do?

I would get a new set of friends, simple as that. She likes who she likes and it's okay. She also may date a lot and just isn't thinking about it. I would just take the attitude that we'll see each other when we see each other and socialize more with other friends. What is so special about this girl you've only known for 2 years? She obviously doesn't consider you a close friend.

June 4, 2023

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I would get a new set of friends, simple as that. She likes who she likes and it's okay. She also may date a lot and just isn't thinking about it. I would just take the attitude that we'll see each other when we see each other and socialize more with other friends. What is so special about this girl you've only known for 2 years? She obviously doesn't consider you a close friend.

Thank you for your reply.

I have never been the type to just get friends. I have always had 2 or 3 close friends and that is how I felt most at ease. I like close friendships more than just ocasional friends. And I have met some new people lately, but nothing stuck, so I will keep trying.

Good question..for me it is special when I have a friend, because that means I feel good when i am with them and I like spending time with them. And it is not that often that we find people we really feel at ease. I can't just spend time with someone for the sake of it, if I am not feeling it. So I guess that is why it affected me. Also, it's not because of dating because she hasn't met anyone for some time to go on dates with.

I guess it just hit me that if I had not reached out to her and just let it be.. then we would have not seen each other in over 6 months at least

June 4, 2023

1 hour ago, roses20 said:

in the last months she befriended a group of girls and goes out clubbing a lot

How do you know each other? School? work? A shared hobby or interest?

Unfortunately it seems like you're drifting apart possibly because she's making time for new friends.

Are you dating anyone? Why not join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. That way you could see like-minded people on a regular basis and start making new friends.

June 4, 2023

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How do you know each other? School? work? A shared hobby or interest?

Unfortunately it seems like you're drifting apart possibly because she's making time for new friends.

Are you dating anyone? Why not join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. That way you could see like-minded people on a regular basis and start making new friends.

I will keep trying to find some friends, but it's not that easy... At least maybe not for me. My job takes most of my energy. I know the logical thing to do is to make new friends but that comes with time. I guess I was curious how to handle this emotionally somehow. I wish I was the type of person who can be detached from friends, but I am not. English is not my first language so there may be harder to convey what I mean.

June 4, 2023

Make sure you have a strong support system from other friends and family. It's kind of like picking the lesser of two evils. Make an effort to get her to initiate more or to fulfill your life in other ways besides her?

Build confidence in yourself to be okay with alone time, so you don't become too reliant on just one person.

What motivates you to continue this friendship? In terms of this particular friendship, what are you most grateful for? Is it just someone to hang out with? It doesn't sound like, from what you've written, that it involves a whole lot more...

If it's meaningful to you, share your feelings with your friend. What's important here is that you appreciate her friendship, not just because she is the only person there for you. You can choose to support her when she is in need and be open to asking her for help when you need it. Put no pressure on yourself to initiate conversations, respond to her social media, or try to schedule time to spend with her.

The situation you've created is that you are the one who initiates contact to spend time together. She likely assumes that you are content with this equation and this setup, especially since you are not especially close.

June 4, 2023

34 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Make sure you have a strong support system from other friends and family. It's kind of like picking the lesser of two evils. Make an effort to get her to initiate more or to fulfill your life in other ways besides her?

Build confidence in yourself to be okay with alone time, so you don't become too reliant on just one person.

What motivates you to continue this friendship? In terms of this particular friendship, what are you most grateful for? Is it just someone to hang out with? It doesn't sound like, from what you've written, that it involves a whole lot more...

If it's meaningful to you, share your feelings with your friend. What's important here is that you appreciate her friendship, not just because she is the only person there for you. You can choose to support her when she is in need and be open to asking her for help when you need it. Put no pressure on yourself to initiate conversations, respond to her social media, or try to schedule time to spend with her.

The situation you've created is that you are the one who initiates contact to spend time together. She likely assumes that you are content with this equation and this setup, especially since you are not especially close.

A lot to answer here. From the outside it looks like I initiated as if that is the setup as you said. But it's not, or should not be normally. Because I have had friends in the past who would also initiate, it was not only just one person. It came to this because she would not initiate at all, but she never refused to spend time, so it did not felt like she did not want to, but at the same time, did not voluntarily initiate. And I like spending time with her just walking around the city, going to a caffe. We talk about life, spiritual stuff etc. This is to answer another question from your reply. It's not because she is the only friend I have, it is because I feel good when we go out. If it was something just to fill up time, I would not notice her not contacting me. Which is why I feel like this. Because there have been weeks without contact and she would not reach out. I just feel it's a little.unfair to just sit and wait for the other person to ask you out. I want to feel wanted too.

It is true that I do not have other support system near me and maybe if I had, I would feel less saddened by this issue.

What motivates me to continue the friendship is that I feel relaxed and recharged when we go out. I don't know about other people, but I don't feel good in the company of anyone, for me it takes more to feel good in someone's presence and be able to unwind and not go home drained. But the last times we went out, all she talked about was these girls and their clubbing nights on and on and I did not feel good. Just felt like she is trully happy with them and I have become just a spare (because before that, she only had me as a friend, and now she went out with them in 2 months more than she has with me in 1 year). That's just my honest feelings as I experienced them.

About the sharing part, I don't know if the moment will come for this, because I just don't want to say to her "you know, I noticed you never reach out to me and it kind of hurts" or something. I wouldn't even know how to word it honestly. I feel this would make her reject me even more, don't know why. Because it does feel like a pressure I would put on her. But at the same time, it is something I am feeling. But to be honest, I don't know why I have this feeling she can't be bothered with what I'm feeling. Maybe I am wrong, it's just a feeling.

Sorry, I wrote a lot

Edited June 4, 2023 by roses20

June 4, 2023

2 hours ago, roses20 said:

I like close friendships more than just ocasional friends.

This is understandable as most of us feel that way. This girl is not a close friend of yours or this thread wouldn't exist. She would be reaching out to you and inviting you to hang out. Maybe she likes going clubbing with a group of girls (like the ones mentioned) to meet guys and finds that more enjoyable than hanging out one on one with a girl. Are you dating any guys?

June 4, 2023

1 hour ago, roses20 said:

A lot to answer here. From the outside it looks like I initiated as if that is the setup as you said. But it's not, or should not be normally. Because I have had friends in the past who would also initiate, it was not only just one person. It came to this because she would not initiate at all, but she never refused to spend time, so it did not felt like she did not want to, but at the same time, did not voluntarily initiate. And I like spending time with her just walking around the city, going to a caffe. We talk about life, spiritual stuff etc. This is to answer another question from your reply. It's not because she is the only friend I have, it is because I feel good when we go out. If it was something just to fill up time, I would not notice her not contacting me. Which is why I feel like this. Because there have been weeks without contact and she would not reach out. I just feel it's a little.unfair to just sit and wait for the other person to ask you out. I want to feel wanted too.

It is true that I do not have other support system near me and maybe if I had, I would feel less saddened by this issue.

What motivates me to continue the friendship is that I feel relaxed and recharged when we go out. I don't know about other people, but I don't feel good in the company of anyone, for me it takes more to feel good in someone's presence and be able to unwind and not go home drained. But the last times we went out, all she talked about was these girls and their clubbing nights on and on and I did not feel good. Just felt like she is trully happy with them and I have become just a spare (because before that, she only had me as a friend, and now she went out with them in 2 months more than she has with me in 1 year). That's just my honest feelings as I experienced them.

About the sharing part, I don't know if the moment will come for this, because I just don't want to say to her "you know, I noticed you never reach out to me and it kind of hurts" or something. I wouldn't even know how to word it honestly. I feel this would make her reject me even more, don't know why. Because it does feel like a pressure I would put on her. But at the same time, it is something I am feeling. But to be honest, I don't know why I have this feeling she can't be bothered with what I'm feeling. Maybe I am wrong, it's just a feeling.

Sorry, I wrote a lot

Good.

Evaluate the nature of your friendship as a whole. If it feels like a casual acquaintance, it's best to take it at face value and leave it as such.

If not, I'd say just have a brief chat with her next time you see her.

Keep things relaxed and friendly when you talk to your friend. No need for any heavy, emotional talks.

"Hey girl, I've noticed I'm the one to send you a message to chat. I'd like it if you were sometimes the one to get in touch."

Maybe she hasn't realized it yet, or maybe she's going through some stuff that's causing the lack of contact than a waning appreciation for the friendship. I mean, it's pretty easy to just stop being friends if she wanted to, right? If she's not interested in hanging out, she'd make some excuse. Just take note of what she says and see how you feel about it and if there are changes, if any.

Don't worry too much about how it comes across. By really paying attention to her response, you'll get a better understanding of where she's coming from. It might not bring about the changes you're hoping for, but at least you can say you gave it a shot and steer clear of the bitter barn.

Edited June 4, 2023 by Alpacalia

June 4, 2023

Does she have a boyfriend? I agree it’s understandable to feel this way. Her priorities may have shifted.

June 4, 2023

My husband has a best mate like this: The mate is always available and keen when hubby reaches out, but the mate forgets to do it in return. Hubby accepts this as being just the way it is. Then there's hubby's cousin who is always the one to get a gathering of the cousins happening....

While it's ideal to have both parties reaching out equally, not everyone is a natural organiser....and some people just get caught up and forget. But it doesn't mean that they don't care about you.

The way I see it is that you have three choices here:

1. Accept that they aren't great at organising, but continue with the status quo because you wish to keep the friendship going

2. You could address it with them using an "I statement". Something like "I really enjoy the time we spend together but I've noticed that it's generally me reaching out to you. I understand that life can be very busy, It makes me feel X. It would be great if you could reach out to me first on occasion"

3. Drop them.

June 5, 2023

So let's push aside all knowledge of who she is clubbing with now and push aside--just for a moment--that you always make the initial call.

How are your times with her when you do go out? This matters. If you have a blast with the person, that's one thing. If you leave the meetings dissatisfied, that's another thing.

Another question: let's go to when you meet, do you have a sense that she's not really treasuring you or that she's distracted?

Edited June 5, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

June 5, 2023

It is a Red Flag she doesn't really appreciate your friendship and is not making this even one of her priorities. It has been two years Now, And Still, You are the one reaching out. Never her. She may go out with you if nothing else crops Up, But it is clear she is more into the single life with her friends going Clubbing, And may even feel if she lets her guard down a hair to reciprocate some sort of Friendly Friendship, You may take it the wrong way and mistake it for more. That is the way I honestly see it. Focus on you. Don't bother with her. See if she comes to find out where you have disappeared? I frankly believe you deserve better treatment.

Edited June 5, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

June 5, 2023

I do feel good when I go out with her, that's why I wanted to keep the friendship and that is why this is strange to me and hence my dilemma. Like she also feels good when we go out, as we laugh and chat etc. So if she feels good with me, that's why I don't understand why she won't reach to hang out. She only did this in the first months of us meeting each other, as it was fresh I suppose. I know she said once to me "argh, I need to find someone who is more crazy to do stuff with". Maybe she is more adventurous, but she let it slide then and it felt weird. And now I guess clubbing satisfies her, but she was like this even before this clubbing phase.

I am the type of person who can't keep silent if an issue is bothering me. I hope there will come the moment when I can mention to her this and see what happens. Either way, even if she were to trully feel like maybe she is happier with the other girls, nobody would be that honest to say it, so I only expect some kind of excuse.

And no, she is not a busy person in that sense. She has a very flexible schedule and knowing this made me feel like this. Because I understand people who have commitments etc or a busy schedule.

Also, I am not dating anyone at the moment. But even if I were, I would not want to make that as an escape to help me not notice this. For me friendships are important and I want a life outside someone I'm dating, like a support system.

My mistake generally I see is that if I have 1 or 2 friends, I feel comfortable and don't try and make other connections, I only rely on what I have because they are close and they fulfill my emotional needs. And then I don't know how something happens, and I am left again having to make new friends because the other may move, or you may distance yourselves etc.

About the first option with the organising, it's not about that, because most of the time we go to the same places, there is no need for some special organisation. And even if that were, she could reach out and say we could.hang out and ask me for ideas if she does not know.

I guess I will just wait and see what happens, if she will reach out or not. It's already been almost a month since we last saw each other, so it's already past the standard period of time when I reached out to her last. But if she doesn't...I don't know what I will do. Because I like hanging out with her, but I don't want to feel like I am needy by me reaching out and telling her what I noticed. It would feel as if I am pointing this and I don't know how she will respond.

Hope I covered all the replies

June 5, 2023

And another mistake I make is that I think "what if they will get upset if I go out with other people and make new friends"? So I don't, I am "faithful" to them. I know, sounds stupid... That's how you wind up in situations like these, by now wanting to upset someone. But in the past I did feel some friends were passive aggresive about me meeting new people so I think that is where this started.

June 5, 2023

11 minutes ago, roses20 said:

And another mistake I make is that I think "what if they will get upset if I go out with other people and make new friends"? So I don't, I am "faithful" to them. I know, sounds stupid... That's how you wind up in situations like these, by now wanting to upset someone. But in the past I did feel some friends were passive aggresive about me meeting new people so I think that is where this started.

So ... you're not doing anything with other friends, choosing instead to sit around and wait for a hang out with somebody you don't even really talk to? Please stop this.

June 5, 2023

2 hours ago, roses20 said:

I am not dating anyone at the moment.

,I only rely on what I have because they are close and they fulfill my emotional needs.

It's ok to want close friends and confidants. However you may want to start dating and round out your life a bit so you're not so over focused on this particular friend.

Please keep in mind that this, or any other friend is not responsible for your emotional and social life. It's up to you to reach out and find people to connect to, including a BF so you can have more one-on-one time with someone.

June 5, 2023

4 hours ago, roses20 said:

And another mistake I make is that I think "what if they will get upset if I go out with other people and make new friends"? So I don't, I am "faithful" to them. I know, sounds stupid... That's how you wind up in situations like these, by now wanting to upset someone. But in the past I did feel some friends were passive aggresive about me meeting new people so I think that is where this started.

Make other plans instead of waiting for her to contact you.

The next time you hang out, mention it casually to her.

Your friend and you may have different ideas about how often you interact. You might think it is important to catch up once a month, while she may believe meeting up every so often is sufficient. This could be why she does not reach out to you as frequently as you would prefer. If she has taken an interest in going out clubbing with a new set of acquaintances, it may be a much higher priority for her at this point. It's alright to acknowledge that her needs and ambitions may not be the same as yours, and you can both have individual trajectories.

It can be hard to break out of patterns like yours, but it's possible. Other friendships do not have to mean anything bad or negative to your existing ones (I don't know where you get that from...).

It's normal and healthy to have multiple friendships. Give yourself permission to pursue what makes you happy, even if that means making new friends. If your friends care about you, they will understand and support you. That doesn't have to mean betraying someone else. Challenge your assumptions and push yourself to make new connections and relationships-- even if it feels daunting in the moment. Friendships are not zero-sum.

June 5, 2023

Definitely find and make more friends because sooner or later the 1-2 friends you have will get married and won't be as available to you. Have you ever asked this friend if it would be okay for you to go out with her and the other girls clubbing?

June 5, 2023

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Your friend and you may have different ideas about how often you interact. You might think it is important to catch up once a month, while she may believe meeting up every so often is sufficient. This could be why she does not reach out to you as frequently as you would prefer.

It can be hard to break out of patterns like yours, but it's possible. Other friendships do not have to mean anything bad or negative to your existing ones (I don't know where you get that from...).

Perhaps... For this I will see how much time will it pass until she reaches out to me, if she does. It already has been almost a month.

About the second point, I got this from my past friendships where I saw that my best friends I used to have seemed bothered by the fact I would maybe not make plans every weekend with them or when I would meet someone new. Felt as if I had to report everything to them and explain why I can't do something. So out of fear of losing them (they were long term friendships), I kind of developed this tendency that I should only focus on them, after sensing the passive agressive feedback I received from them.

June 5, 2023

Wow, toxic much.^ Do you still keep in touch with those people??

At least you know where the origins of this line of thinking is coming from. I’ve never in my life felt restricted by who I can be friends with by other friends. Would never have stood for it.

In regards to your friend here it does sound like she wants other company. She referenced wanting people who are more crazy and might find you boring or too clingy. I’d find the above treatment you described incredibly bizarre and want to get away asap. If she sensed that in you I’m not surprised if she was highly weirded out. It does seem like she enjoys a more liberal and free approach to friendships while you have other needs. Your personalities clash.

June 5, 2023

40 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Definitely find and make more friends because sooner or later the 1-2 friends you have will get married and won't be as available to you. Have you ever asked this friend if it would be okay for you to go out with her and the other girls clubbing?

That is the plan from now on

I am not a big clubber anymore like I used to be, I get tired easily. We went out last summer but it was hard to convince her back then to go at least once to the club. And now all of a sudden she goes with them every weekend. She only mentioned if I wanted to join once, but that was because I wrote her and asked her if she was free the next day to meet. But she knows that for the moment I am tired from work and prefer more chill things, so I think that invitation was just because I wrote to her unexpectedly, cause she knew I would say no.

anyway, I suppose her priority is this girls now, because she said she feels good with them. But it still hurts when all of a sudden a friend changes gears. I will get used to the idea and just do my thing. What can I say, it is what it is. And everyone's replies helped me put things into perspective and just not resist this change internally.

June 5, 2023

11 minutes ago, glows said:

Wow, toxic much.^ Do you still keep in touch with those people??

At least you know where the origins of this line of thinking is coming from. I’ve never in my life felt restricted by who I can be friends with by other friends. Would never have stood for it.

In regards to your friend here it does sound like she wants other company. She referenced wanting people who are more crazy and might find you boring or too clingy. I’d find the above treatment you described incredibly bizarre and want to get away asap. If she sensed that in you I’m not surprised if she was highly weirded out. It does seem like she enjoys a more liberal and free approach to friendships while you have other needs. Your personalities clash.

No, I ended those friendships because of other reasons too. I don't find myself to be clingy, we never talk outside of our meetings. And we only see each other once a month. I don't see how is that clingy. And when we met, we would also plan trips together, so it's not like we were 2 strangers and I was clinging to her. I don't think that promoting this idea of just be distant with someone to not be clingy is healthy, as it is normal to want to see someone you enjoy the company of. Also, the girls she is friends with now want to go out every week, and I only wanted once a month. And she does not seem to mind it, because that would be clingy to me.

June 5, 2023

24 minutes ago, roses20 said:

Anyway, I suppose her priority is this girls now, because she said she feels good with them. But it still hurts when all of a sudden a friend changes gears. I will get used to the idea and just do my thing. What can I say, it is what it is. And everyone's replies helped me put things into perspective and just not resist this change internally.

To be honest it doesn't sound like you and this girl are compatible as friends. How old are you two? She likes to go out and party to have fun with other people while you like to go on walks and talk. She probably finds that boring but will go along sometimes because she doesn't want to upset you. She did ask you to join them and you should have taken her up on the offer and met the other girls too. You say you get tired easily so she may not think your energy levels match. I really think she likes to go out and be around men and so does the other girls and that is why she enjoys spending time with them. If they are single girls this is normal behavior.

June 5, 2023

32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

To be honest it doesn't sound like you and this girl are compatible as friends. How old are you two? She likes to go out and party to have fun with other people while you like to go on walks and talk. She probably finds that boring but will go along sometimes because she doesn't want to upset you. She did ask you to join them and you should have taken her up on the offer and met the other girls too. You say you get tired easily so she may not think your energy levels match. I really think she likes to go out and be around men and so does the other girls and that is why she enjoys spending time with them. If they are single girls this is normal behavior.

We are the same age, not in our early 20s lets say. If I would have said yes to that offer, I would have been fake towards myself, as I don't like going clubbing as much. I don't want to be fake by saying yes so that I am not alone. And she always says what a good idea it was to go out and relax in a park etc, it's not like we are that opposite. She also enjoys it when we do it. But I suppose she prefers other activities more in comparison. But I did not get that from her, that she only goes for walks to not upset me, that is a little too much to assume. Because she also enjoys them

Edited June 5, 2023 by roses20

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