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My perspective 10 years on.

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As the title states, this month marks the 10-year anniversary of the day my ex-wife walked out the front door of the home we’d built over our 15-year marriage.  She returned from time to time to share custody of our 2 small boys and pick up things she needed to start setting up her new life, but she never returned to the relationship, which she had actually left emotionally probably a year or two prior.  Although she had expressed discontent, and we were in counseling, “I want a divorce” still blindsided me like a tsunami where you see the water slowly retreating but never imagine it could return with a force that strips the land clean for miles.  But it does.  And it did.

I came to this forum at that time searching for a place to vent, find advice, and just generally not feel so alone. I come here today to look through my old posts, reminisce and remember where I was so I can recognize how far I’ve come.  In doing so I realized that a part of me is enshrined here, so I wanted to leave a final message for that person, and anyone else who finds themselves in that same situation right now. 

Let me start by saying, I know exactly how you feel.  I remember screaming into my pillow as loud as I could for as long as I could night after night until I passed out from exhaustion; running out of meetings at work or supermarkets mid-shopping to hide the emotional breakdowns that came on without warning; walking like a zombie for hours and hours having “I’ve made a mistake” conversations in my head with my ex that I was certain she’d initiate but never did.

I understand how vulnerable it feels to have the person you love suddenly become an adversary with all your secrets, and how scary it is to wonder how the unseen scars being inflicted on your children's psyche might affect their spirit in the future.  One year after my ex left, I was a 47-year-old part-time parent with no home, no job (too many missed meetings), a bed, a sofa, a coffee table, and a TV.  I believed my life was over.

But here I am, 10 years on, very much alive and happier than I’ve ever been. And I’m here to tell you this, you will get through this too. It won’t be easy. Right now you may still be in the deluge hanging on to a tree against the surging water.  Just keep hanging on. Get through this minute, then an hour, then a day. It will be like that for a while but trust me, the waters will recede. And when they do it's ok to mourn for what’s been washed away but never forget that your success is not determined by what you have or who loves you, but by your resolve to get back up every time you’re beaten down and take another step forward.  Whatever that next step may be.

And if you just do that, I promise you, there are so many new adventures, passions, opportunities, and yes, love, ahead for you.  You will look back in 10 years and understand why this has happened.  You may not see it as a blessing but you will see it as necessary, in order to become a much better version of yourself. Someone who not only gets back up, but is much harder to knock down. I know you don’t believe that, I wouldn’t have either when I was you. But I was you, and now I’m me. I have a new house, my own business, a lover who’s so much better for me, interests I would have never sought out otherwise, and 2 amazing men in my life who call me dad with pride.

Vent, seek advice and connect with others. Whatever helps to get you through these times.  

And most of all…

Just. Keep. Hanging. On.

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  • 3 weeks later...
14 hours ago, Dejuan said:

I needed to here this feel like I will never get over her 

Stop having sex with her and allow yourself to heal.

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