Alpacalia Posted May 31, 2023 Share Posted May 31, 2023 17 minutes ago, NewHurtOne said: She on the other hand has just been in a series of relationships her entire life- signalling to me a sign of a lack of maturity and accountability Going into it, you knew all this. It did not deter you from choosing to be with her despite the fact that she drank heavily and all the other warning signs you mentioned. Having initially disliked certain aspects of the relationship, don't be arrogant and shift all of the blame onto her. Don't pretend that you were unaware of what was going on; it is vital that you acknowledge your own role in what happened. Own up to your part in your own heartache. It was high stakes, but you rolled the dice anyway. Fate just wasn’t in your favor. Does this mean that you're dumb and clueless? Not at all - you're not a complete fool. We've all been in love and been blind to potential red flags. It's natural to be swept away in the moment; but, being in it together is both people making decisions based off of good judgment. Ultimately, don't beat yourself up over this. Learning lessons is an essential part of life, and even if the lesson is hard - it will make you stronger. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 31, 2023 Share Posted May 31, 2023 (edited) There seems to be a disconnect between you "not looking" and yet tolerating such a patently dysfunctional person (in a variety of ways) in your life, taking them back repeatedly, reconciling etc. Highs and lows, but never a moment's peace I'd guess. But you kept coming back for more. I think "perspective" would have entailed getting this person out of your life fairly early on, instead of maintaining the relationship you describe. I feel like maybe you are drawn to dysfunctional "high maintenance" women who are emotionally unstable? Does a part of you find this appealing? Are you "white knighting"? Anyhow, consider looking into what's known as the Drama Triangle and see if the dysfunctional relationship dynamics described there seem to apply to you and/or your partners. Sometimes becoming conscious of the dysfunction we (often unconsciously) accept in our lives can be the first step towards a better tomorrow. No one's perfect, but it's important to be able to recognize when a partner's problems are deep rooted and severe. Edited May 31, 2023 by mark clemson 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewHurtOne Posted May 31, 2023 Author Share Posted May 31, 2023 19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Going into it, you knew all this. It did not deter you from choosing to be with her despite the fact that she drank heavily and all the other warning signs you mentioned. Having initially disliked certain aspects of the relationship, don't be arrogant and shift all of the blame onto her. Don't pretend that you were unaware of what was going on; it is vital that you acknowledge your own role in what happened. Own up to your part in your own heartache. It was high stakes, but you rolled the dice anyway. Fate just wasn’t in your favor. Does this mean that you're dumb and clueless? Not at all - you're not a complete fool. We've all been in love and been blind to potential red flags. It's natural to be swept away in the moment; but, being in it together is both people making decisions based off of good judgment. Ultimately, don't beat yourself up over this. Learning lessons is an essential part of life, and even if the lesson is hard - it will make you stronger. I appreciate that thank you ! Over time I had learned about different relationships she was in and would never have agreed to meet her in the first place if I had known her past. She purposely hid much from me , she employed deception. . .however I am pretty keen on detecting BS so over time a put it together. She can deal with the fallout of her decisions on her own without me as I have more important things to focus on and I will one day I will laugh about it. Hands down I choose my kids over this woman as well as myself now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewHurtOne Posted May 31, 2023 Author Share Posted May 31, 2023 3 minutes ago, mark clemson said: There seems to be a disconnect between you "not looking" and yet tolerating such a patently dysfunctional person (in a variety of ways) in your life, taking them back repeatedly, reconciling etc. Highs and lows, but never a moment's peace I'd guess. But you kept coming back for more. I think "perspective" would have entailed getting this person out of your life fairly early on, instead of maintaining the relationship you describe. I feel like maybe you are drawn to dysfunctional "high maintenance" women who are emotionally unstable? Does a part of you find this appealing? Are you "white knighting"? Anyhow, consider looking into what's known as the Drama Triangle and see if the dysfunctional relationship dynamics described there seem to apply to you and/or your partners. Sometimes becoming conscious of the dysfunction we (often unconsciously) accept in our lives can be the first step towards a better tomorrow. No one's perfect, but it's important to recognize when a partner's problems are deep rooted and severe. Hey thanks for the reply! I have no idea but I would not doubt it. I will research this and I suspect you could be right. I did learn another thing she hid from me is that she is on all kinds of SSRis for a whole host of issues and takes them sometimes and sometimes not. I have never met a more entitled ungrateful person in my life and as much as she put me through I am the only one thus far to have put her in her place so to speak haha. Good! So far so good with no contact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 31, 2023 Share Posted May 31, 2023 8 hours ago, NewHurtOne said: I appreciate that thank you ! Over time I had learned about different relationships she was in and would never have agreed to meet her in the first place if I had known her past. She purposely hid much from me , she employed deception. . .however I am pretty keen on detecting BS so over time a put it together. She can deal with the fallout of her decisions on her own without me as I have more important things to focus on and I will one day I will laugh about it. Hands down I choose my kids over this woman as well as myself now. At least, now you know what you deserve and should not tolerate when having a relationship. None of this 'they did this and that' and should have done 'such and such.' The crossroads had come at a certain point. You remember when it was. The decision to sacrifice one's principles and integrity. It is this hard part that many refuse to see in ourselves and what we need to work on and heal. Don't waste the experience. Use it to your advantage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewHurtOne Posted June 1, 2023 Author Share Posted June 1, 2023 33 minutes ago, Nicole Wilson said: I understand that you're in a complicated situation with this woman, but it's important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. It's clear from your description that this relationship is causing you more grief than happiness. Trust your gut feeling and acknowledge that this woman may not have your best interests at heart. Ending the relationship may be difficult, but it's necessary for your own growth and emotional well-being. Surround yourself with a support system of friends and family who can provide guidance and help you through this process. Take time to reflect on what you truly want and deserve in a partner. Focus on healing and setting boundaries for future relationships. Remember that you deserve someone who respects you, meets your needs, and brings you genuine happiness. Thank you Nicole I appreciate it . I am guarding my well being and watch I dont become bitter. I just want to get back to the old me for my kids and to able to laugh again. Tomorrow will make almost a week of having not been together with her and things are already better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 2, 2023 Share Posted June 2, 2023 That’s it right there. Focus on the positives. Glad you’re feeling better. Don’t bother with her. It’s over. Onwards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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