Perspective

[NewHurtOne]

Any insight or advice would be appreciated. I will try and keep this as brief as I can. Still LOOONG

I am a 48(m) divorced 2 years ago, 4 children. Wife kept the house I kept my 401K. was married for 12 years. . Took everything I had to boost my credit and find an apartment in a nearby city so as to remain close to the kids. Me and my coparent are on somewhat amicable terms.

Had ZERO intentions of meeting somebody new or even wanting to date after finding apartment and moving in awaiting divorce finalization.I did however process my divorce. Long story short, an old high school crush now 46, (whom rejected me years ago then immediately got knocked up by a guy I cant stand and had 2 kids with but never married) reached out via Facebook. ( I hardly ever am even on FB, timing I suppose) ( It should be said I have turned down many such women who rejected me in the past, this one however slipped through the cracks , so to speak)

I vaguely entertained the thought of meeting up with her as she was requesting. We spoke on and off through messenger for a couple of months, maybe 3. Apparently since high school she has been in a string of bad relationships after another (I know I know, red flag), doesn't believe in marriage and was bitter about the fact she never got child support etc etc. She told me she had just gotten out of a relationship where she was basically the stepmom to a handful of little ones but and how hard it was to have to leave them. Now she was down and out she said and had lost everything after one of her friends committed suicide, her losing her car after being in an accident, and her father passing away around the same time and unfortunately was now having to live at her mothers.

I half halfheartedly agreed to meet her. I felt pangs of guilt even though my ex wife was the initiator of divorce. Later my ex wife would say I didn't even try to reconcile, which is patently false. . In either case, we were an instant hit. I am a few cities over she had never been to and was just thrilled to "finally meet and be with me, the guy she has really loved and had a crush on all these years". I told her I wanted to take things slow however with her having no transportation she used this to her advantage, and still does.

She started staying weekends and then I got tired of driving an hour back and forth twice a weekend so she talked me into staying as she needed a job anyway within walking distance. This is where things start to fall apart. She starts drinking heavily, like a 5th of vodka a day and smoking cigarettes all the time. Here I am trying to get away from that. Arguing ensues over bullshit. She makes a mess in the kitchen, leaves her clothes on the floor, lives out of bags, refused to hang them up etc. In short, acting like a belligerent child. I kick her [ ] out and take her back to moms. This goes on for months, back and forth. I find she still had pics of her and her ex in phone, an ex she DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT.

Apparently, at the time we began talking she was [having sex with] this dude that lives in her neighborhood that was also a previous ex. So, she left the other guy to go home so she could [have sex with] him, and then sought me out and was partying her ass off but just didn't have a pot to piss in . My cousins all told me she was bad news and to stay away from her, I wish I would have listened. I am just on option to her so to speak. So now , I am like what[ ] ? She gaslights me and says I told you about him, we didn't [have sex] , blah blah her story changes left and right. We start arguing when she gets belligerent and she says vile s*** so I say it right back, but then she hits me with the well he has a huge dick. Just terrible verbal and emotional abuse. I kick her out 5 more times. My dumb ass keeps picking her up , she keeps deceiving me, i think love bombing me I suppose.

I catch her on her fb with a new coworker,(28M married!) says its nothing, deletes him. Very suspicious. She quits as the job was shitty. We fight argue and bicker. I take her home but not before she lands another job. The new boss drives an hour to pick her up from her moms and brings her to her house where she stays for 3 months! Gives her an extra car to use! We are on and off. Her employer (female) gives her a 5 bedroom apartment for $600 a month on no credit and no deposit and she can walk to work! [ ]  Were on and off. Now she drinks daily, a bottle or less, a lot. She starts fights and argues and bickers and disappears almost every weekend but only lives a few miles away and has deactivated her fb (still suspicious) and gives me keys to apartment and phone password. Says she loves me and only me and doesn't [care] about any so called "options" she may or may not have. She is very attractive but acts like she doesn't receive or notice male attention however I think this is complete and utter bullshit and gaslights [ ] me. Swears she is true. I find a male pube on toilet seat , which seems odd. At work the bathrooms are separate.

So now, this woman has setup her treacherous lifestyle in my face and in the face of my ex wife and children I should mention. She hangs outside her apartment afternoons smoking cigarettes with her tits popped out , but "cant stand male attention". She wants me and only me. She starts arguments every Friday via text (never plans) but then blames me for treating her poorly and disappears to apartment and gets a bottle of vodka a day until Monday comes and she shakes and pukes from withdrawal. Then she begs and pleads and says she cant live like that she needs to do better and we get back together and everything is great until the vicious cycle continues. Its been going on almost 2 years, I love her but I want to slap the piss out of her ( i wont though , cuz laws) I do not see her the majority of weekends. Usually she calls every so often wasted on Sunday for a booty call it seems.

She makes me happy when she wants to. The majority of the time I am not happy, she does not meet my needs, and is not reliable. So I already have my answer there. She gives me anxiety and somehow makes me feel bad about myself and I honestly have never experienced this before. It is soul crushing. She blames and gaslights and deflects and manipulates and deceives. This woman literally did not even know the meaning of the word empathy! She is cruel and possessive and we are still addicted to each other. I know I need to end it. I could go on but believe it or not this is the short version .

Why do I still love her and vice versa? Has she [messed] my mind up and trauma bonded me ? There is no reason to stay since she causes me more grief than happiness I understand the logic but then why does my heart still belong to her? She has outright admitted jealousy and envy of me, my ex wife, etc. Does she just want her cake and eat it too? She doesn't want to let go of me. I have the keys to her apartment and the password to her phone and she swears up and down she isn't cheating but yall know as well as I [ ] be slick.

Is she just keeping me as a placeholder until something better comes along ? I mean , she obviously kept me on the back burner from the jump ,talking to me the entire time she was [having sex with] her ex. Leads me to believe she was talking to him while she was playing step mom with the other dude. How is it I love this woman? She has no redeeming qualities I can think of! She is unpatriotic, and weaponizes feminism. Whatever, Ill shut up . I will say she is a master at blame and deflection and manipulation. Also, drunks [ ]  lie, oh my god how they lie..I dont trust her further than I could throw her.

My question to you is WHY ? Am I just a toy to her? All she talks about is me me me, I am her screen saver on her phone. She "has given up everything for me to be here for me" (but ditches me every week!) I am so [ ] confused by this woman. I mean, I already know this s*** needs to end, but HOW? And also how do I come to terms with the possibility of this woman living down the street now just getting drunk and doing whatever she does with all her male orbiters . The s*** hurts and I am pissed at myself. I have definitely learned some boundaries. What sticks with me the most is, when someone tells you who they are, believe them . M gut feeling has been screaming at me as well the entire time. Thank you for any insight and guidance, I appreciate it immensely .

Edited May 30, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, NewHurtOne said:

I mean, I already know this s*** needs to end, but HOW?

By going NC with her, deleting and blocking her from contacting you.  Get independent couseling to get over her.  You're addicted to a bad girl.  Stop going back to her.  You have to help yourself and you can do it.

[Weezy1973]

What insight and guidance do you need? Honestly you know what to do. She is very damaged and while you may feel sorry for her, she will absolutely drag you down with her. You need to be an example for your kids and making good choices with your relationships is one of the things you need to do.

Dump her now. Seriously don’t wait. Dump her; Change the locks on your apartment if she has them. Block her on all social media and delete all of her contact info so you can’t contact her. Don’t wait. Don’t deliberate. Quick like ripping off a band aid.

[NewHurtOne]

I super appreciate you taking the time to reply thank you very much. I also believe this is the way. I will never understand how some people treat others as objects.. I will definitely look into counseling

[Alpacalia]

Yikes.

I think she saw a sucker in you a mile away after your divorce (I don't mean that harshly, I'm just saying she was likely to take advantage of your situation). Be careful when you're vulnerable, it's easy to be taken advantage of. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of again. Cut her off.

If you're still thinking "what if" she does this and changes and "what if" she does that it just means that you don't want to leave her. You're not ready to.

What is your expectation for this? Is it that she apologizes? Is it that she stops doing this behavior immediately that she has done for the past 15 or so years before she met you?

What is it exactly? Make sure you have that conversation and consider your future relationships. It's about YOU. It's not about changing her. Because you'll never be able to do that. She's busy creating the life she wants. Even if it's unhealthy. Even if it harms others, including you. She is making a choice, and you are joining her. She may not even be able to do what you want. She has her own problems.

Starting from a position of power and prioritizing your emotional and mental health is the first step in creating new expectations from here on out.

With her on the chopping block.

[NewHurtOne]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

What insight and guidance do you need? Honestly you know what to do. She is very damaged and while you may feel sorry for her, she will absolutely drag you down with her. You need to be an example for your kids and making good choices with your relationships is one of the things you need to do.

Dump her now. Seriously don’t wait. Dump her; Change the locks on your apartment if she has them. Block her on all social media and delete all of her contact info so you can’t contact her. Don’t wait. Don’t deliberate. Quick like ripping off a band aid.

Thank you I feel maybe she wants to try and get money out of me somehow, possibly by accusing me of abuse.. we have 100000 texts of hate between us.

[NewHurtOne]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Yikes.

I think she saw a sucker in you a mile away after your divorce (I don't mean that harshly, I'm just saying she was likely to take advantage of your situation). Be careful when you're vulnerable, it's easy to be taken advantage of. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of again. Cut her off.

If you're still thinking "what if" she does this and changes and "what if" she does that it just means that you don't want to leave her. You're not ready to.

What is your expectation for this? Is it that she apologizes? Is it that she stops doing this behavior immediately that she has done for the past 15 or so years before she met you?

What is it exactly? Make sure you have that conversation and consider your future relationships. It's about YOU. It's not about changing her. Because you'll never be able to do that. She's busy creating the life she wants. Even if it's unhealthy. Even if it harms others, including you. She is making a choice, and you are joining her. She may not even be able to do what you want. She has her own problems.

Starting from a position of power and prioritizing your emotional and mental health is the first step in creating new expectations from here on out.

With her on the chopping block.

I agree, I admit it. I take my lumps on the chin its best to get it over with. My cousins said the same.

[NewHurtOne]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You need to be an example for your kids and making good choices with your relationships is one of the things you need to do.

I agree 1000 percent. Thank you . My kids met her a couple times they dont like her at all.. You are so right!  I hate this feeling of needing validation from my partner that never gave it..ugh

[NewHurtOne]

I have blocked and deleted her. The more time away the more I return to normalcy. I told her last night I was done and she hasnt replied since and i blocked her in either case.

Should I find someone that makes me happy? Or is this inviting trouble too soon?

[Alpacalia]

Delete/block her. And change your phone number.

[NewHurtOne]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Delete/block her. And change your phone number

Done. I actually changed my number twice since being with her. Such a pain in the ass. Do you believe she is a psychopath? I kinda think so ..

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, NewHurtOne said:

Done. I actually changed my number twice since being with her. Such a pain in the ass. Do you believe she is a psychopath? I kinda think so ..

Good.

I wouldn't worry about that for one second if I were you. To me personally it's enough not to matter a jot. Don’t engage in her petty gossip. Stand your ground and don’t let her intimidate you. Really, get yourself in counseling like suggested.

Since you have experienced verbal and emotional abuse, you're going to have to find a way to process and move forward from this so that you don't carry the pain and trauma of this experience with you into future relationships. 

Edited May 30, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, NewHurtOne said:

 . My kids met her a couple times they dont like her at all.. 

Please focus on your 4 children's wellbeing and safety. Figure out a cooperative coparenting plan with their mother. Take care of yourself and your mental and physical health.

It's not wise to expose your children to someone like this. Tell her it's over then delete and block her.  If it persists change the locks and get a restraining order.

Hopefully your association with someone like this won't jeopardize your custody and visitation rights. Your children need a safe stable environment so you need to provide that. Please get rid of this floozy.

Edited May 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[NewHurtOne]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Good.

I wouldn't worry about that for one second if I were you. To me personally it's enough not to matter a jot. Don’t engage in her petty gossip. Stand your ground and don’t let her intimidate you. Really, get yourself in counseling like suggested.

 

Since you have experienced verbal and emotional abuse, you're going to have to find a way to process and move forward from this so that you don't carry the pain and trauma of this experience with you into future relationships. 

Excellent advice thank you! You dont know how much it means to me...    I agree wholeheartedly ..Anytime I pick up on someone gaslighting me now I sincerely want to punch their lights out. The best course of action however is to just cut them off and turn your back. It blows my mind, I honestly have never has anyone in all my years tell me or even insinuate that I am a bad person. And yet she tried her hardest to break me down. Whatever consequences I have to deal with in the fall out I am ready to do so . She will have to deal with hers as well. Tee hee!

[NewHurtOne]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please focus on your 4 children's wellbeing and safety. Figure out a cooperative coparenting plan with their mother. Take care of yourself and your mental and physical health. It's not wise to expose your children to someone like this. Tell her it's over then delete and block her. 

Done, Thank you . VERY MUCH! My kids immediatley could tell something was off with her and had a natural disdain right off the bat...  I told my children they will never have to see that woman again and their faces lit up . She was trying to ally them to her and turn them against me in the few hours she was around.. They also said they agreed with me on whatever bs she was saying ..

Edited May 30, 2023 by NewHurtOne

[NewHurtOne]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Good.

I wouldn't worry about that for one second if I were you. To me personally it's enough not to matter a jot. Don’t engage in her petty gossip. Stand your ground and don’t let her intimidate you. Really, get yourself in counseling like suggested.

Since you have experienced verbal and emotional abuse, you're going to have to find a way to process and move forward from this so that you don't carry the pain and trauma of this experience with you into future relationships. 

Agree! I have since found writing page after page after page in a journal has helped me start processing it big time. Also the more time apart the more I return to myself..  One day, she will have to move again unless she drinks herself to death in that apartment... Either way even if she doesn't realize it or even care about it or meets the man of her dreams or whatever she will one day have to move again. To me that will be a move of shame. She put herself there.

[NewHurtOne]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

What insight and guidance do you need? Honestly you know what to do. She is very damaged and while you may feel sorry for her, she will absolutely drag you down with her. You need to be an example for your kids and making good choices with your relationships is one of the things you need to do.

Dump her now. Seriously don’t wait. Dump her; Change the locks on your apartment if she has them. Block her on all social media and delete all of her contact info so you can’t contact her. Don’t wait. Don’t deliberate. Quick like ripping off a band aid.

Weezy, you got insight on this I appreciate it. What are your thoughts on the type of person I am dealing with?

[Lotsgoingon]

You got to get to some good therapy and don't go cheap--find a really good therapist.

Here's going to be the trick: curiosity is your friend. Harsh self-judgment is not your friend as far as insight into why you got involved in this predictably chaotic situation. 

There might be some "good" reasons why you got involved--like maybe Miss Chaotic has spontaneity and craziness and freedom that you haven't really experienced in your adulthood or with your ex. Maybe you were so thirsty for a little less rigidity in your life that you became vulnerable to her charms.

So find a therapist, go and commit to it as long as they are really good. And you will figure out the weak spot in your armor that allowed this chaos into your life and you'll be able to patch the weakness and move on. 

I'll tell you one more thing a friend of mine says. She has seen a lot of recently divorced people date and her conclusion is that recently divorced people are just not ready to date and part of it is that in a bad marriage, their social skills can easily deteriorate. So starting over is not starting over like a person your age, but like being a teenager with teenage maturity. Just a thought.

Hang in there. And quit asking about her. You volunteered and joined this relationship. This is about you. Someone who hangs with a psychopath has major problems themselves. Focus on you! 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, NewHurtOne said:

 the type of person I am dealing with?

Worry about yourself and your children. Reflect why you got involved with someone like this. That's the key.

[NewHurtOne]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You got to get to some good therapy and don't go cheap--find a really good therapist.

Here's going to be the trick: curiosity is your friend. Harsh self-judgment is not your friend as far as insight into why you got involved in this predictably chaotic situation. 

There might be some "good" reasons why you got involved--like maybe Miss Chaotic has spontaneity and craziness and freedom that you haven't really experienced in your adulthood or with your ex. Maybe you were so thirsty for a little less rigidity in your life that you became vulnerable to her charms.

So find a therapist, go and commit to it as long as they are really good. And you will figure out the weak spot in your armor that allowed this chaos into your life and you'll be able to patch the weakness and move on. 

I'll tell you one more thing a friend of mine says. She has seen a lot of recently divorced people date and her conclusion is that recently divorced people are just not ready to date and part of it is that in a bad marriage, their social skills can easily deteriorate. So starting over is not starting over like a person your age, but like being a teenager with teenage maturity. Just a thought.

Hang in there. And quit asking about her. You volunteered and joined this relationship. This is about you. Someone who hangs with a psychopath has major problems themselves. Focus on you! 

Thank you so much for this.... You are right on so many levels . Unfortunately I have a lot of tolerance to endure pain and suffering  and I let her in. Always believing things would have been different. I will go to counseling !

[NewHurtOne]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Worry about yourself and your children. Reflect why you got involved with someone like this. That's the key.

Will do you're right! I already know I guess I just let myself be blinded..

[NewHurtOne]

[I need to change my number] Probably the best way.. I am dreading it cuz why should I be the one to change my number. Grinds my gears bad. Plus its a huge pain in the ass if you have two factor verification on anywhere..

It sucks you can block them but still see if they are sending messages or not . Not gonna lie I have been suckered back in after responding to her BS after incessantly checking my settings. Ugh

So far so good. Day . One......

Edited May 31, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, NewHurtOne said:

 its a huge pain in the ass if you have two factor verification on anywhere.. I have been suckered back in after responding to her BS 

I would not bother. Especially with all the data and info associated with it including verification,etc . Take appropriate action such as resetting your phone settings, deleting her from ALL your devices,contact lists, social media and messaging apps.  Use appropriate measures to sever things, especially since you still seem overly attached. You'll need resolve and willpower to break your addiction to this drama.

[NewHurtOne]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

I would not bother. Especially with all the data and info associated with it including verification,etc . Take appropriate action such as resetting your phone settings, deleting her from ALL your devices,contact lists, social media and messaging apps.  Use appropriate measures to sever things, especially since you still seem overly attached. You'll need resolve and willpower to break your addiction to this drama.

Thank you wiseman for replying.  I agree and fundamentally do not want to have to change my number either truth be told. I have removed her from all.

[Alpacalia]

Case in point:

25 minutes ago, NewHurtOne said:

Not gonna lie I have been suckered back in after responding to her BS after incessantly checking my settings. Ugh